Happy {& Sad} Birthday Abram!

Perhaps I should have titled this, "What I Want You to Know about Birthdays and Adoption."

While today is a wonderfully happy, joyful day, celebrating the gift of Abram's life, it is also profoundly sad. I cried myself to sleep last night grieving for Abram's birth family in Texas who I know loves him deeply and misses him - especially terribly on his birthday. I cried for the pain and grief his birth mother carries with her regularly. I cried for his Tia Leti, thinking about how I would feel if my sister placed a baby for adoption two years ago. I would miss that little boy SO MUCH on his birthday.

And I cried for Abram. As he gets older, I begin to see adoption through new lenses. Can you imagine having been created by God through two people who you never see? Can you imagine realizing you were formed inside the womb of a woman you never see? For some reason, God allowed me to imagine it and it hurt so badly. It seemed so wrong. It is not how God created life to be (but we live in a fallen world). Even though Abram has a great life and a great family those things do not erase the loss of biological ties for a child who was adopted. Thankfully God - by His grace - has redeemed that brokenness and most days of the year, we can feel great and happy about adoption (or not even really think about it at all). But birthdays are triggers for the losses that are part of every adoption. There is a near 100% chance Abram is going to feel all of this someday . . . and I wept for him having to do that.

I cried again today when I talked to Tia Leti on the phone. She told me she got out the pictures of her holding Abram for the first time right after he was born. Oh, the tears we both cried. We talked about how we both know that our relationship/situation is the best, but it is still hard. Even the best adoption situation still involves loss and pain and grief. Here is Leti's comment on my Facebook status this morning about Abram's birthday today:

"I was going to try not to boo-hoo today but i just can't, thinking about the first time i held him! Happy Birthday lil man! YOUR presence has brought strangers together to be one loving extended family all the way from Texas to Iowa! Love you with all my heart! Tia Leti"

There is no question our lives are filled with greater joy because of Abram and how God brought two families together to create a new extended family. So we of course joyfully celebrate his life today. None of his birthdays, though, will ever be without some sadness of what he has lost and what his birth family is missing. But - again, thanks be to God - the sadness is not in vain. It makes us truly long for heaven when there will be no more pain and all of the wrongs of our fallen world will be made right.

Now, onto the HAPPY! Abram LOVES trains so we planned to take Abram to ride the Boone & Scenic Valley Railroad train. However, it turns out that Ms. Details here missed the part of the website that said, 'These trains will operate from Memorial Day Weekend through October 31.' OOPS! To my defense, though, I did call and ask if they were open on Easter and they said 'yes' so I guess I got some wrong information.

Well, as you can see from the pictures below, Abram still had a blast and didn't even notice that we didn't actually ride a train. (Whew!)

And then to DQ for some birthday ice cream (of course)!

We will definitely be going back to Boone to actually ride the train after Memorial Day. Maybe we can talk Tia Leti into coming to visit to join us!

So Much to Blog About . . .

So little time right now.

I could blog about how we are moving in three days and while I'm thrilled to be moving to a new house, I had to do a little mourning for the house we are leaving. It was the first house I bought (while I was still single) and I put a lot of blood and sweat into this house, making it totally and completely mine (and then ours). My sister said to me last night, 'isn't weird to think about someone else living here?' That explains my feelings exactly.

After we thankfully sold our old couch on Craigslist and hauled it upstairs the other night, Abram wanted in on the action. He so badly wanted to carry that chair upstairs!

I could blog about how excited I am to drive to Chicago a few days after we move to celebrate with our good friends (who are in our connection group at church) when they meet and bring home their son from C----. He will be the first of all the kids coming to Central Iowa from C----. I absolutely cannot wait!

I could blog about the great get-together we had with many of the families in our area adopting from C----. It continues to be an incredible blessing to walk together with many other families through the C---- adoption process. We even had a new single gal from Pleasant Hill join us because she is adopting from there as well. That makes TWELVE families in our little Central Iowa area who are adopting from C----. God is doing an incredible thing!

And then I could on and on for a long time about how we got new pictures of our two girls being silly together, looking totally and completely like the true sisters that they are (though they are not biologically related). I should probably process the feelings I have when I look at those new pictures of them. They will be a year older when they come than they were when we accepted their referrals, which means they will be 7 & 8 when they arrive. While I know WITHOUT A SHADOW OF A DOUBT that God has led us to adopt these two girls (and our son), my current feelings could be summed up as completely freaked out! Good thing I have until August to continue to have God prepare my heart.

Urgent Need

I learned of this need through a blog I follow. As my heart broke for this girl, I decided I had to post this on my blog in the hopes that it might somehow, possibly reach someone who could give this beautiful girl a family. At the very least, I hope this girl will provide a real-life face to the need to adopt orphans. Even if you can't adopt her, perhaps you can you can start the adoption process to adopt a different orphan so that he or she does not end up with four weeks of his/her life before there is no hope.

"This week IBESR, the Haitian Social Services, informed the orphanage that if Elange is not matched with a family within the next 4 weeks, they will not allow her to be adopted. The reason is that she must be under 16 years old at the time she is issued her visa. Elange’s chances are running out and the very worst part of it all is that she knows. She knows that no one has chosen her. She has watched as one by one parents have come for their children, her friends, while she watches and waits. She begs me, over and over again not to leave her there forever. She begs me to find her someone. The last time I left she reminded me on my way out the door, to show her picture to all of the people who might want a bigger girl. She understands, she knows people want babies… SHE deserves to be someone’s 'baby'."

Beautiful

The days will come when you don't have the strength
When all you hear is you're not worth anything
Wondering if you ever could be loved
And if they truly saw your heart they'd see too much

You're beautiful
You're beautiful

You are made for so much more than all of this

You're beautiful
You're beautiful

You are treasured, You are sacred, You are HIS

You're beautiful

I'm praying that you have the heart to fight
Cause you are more than what is hurting you tonight

For all the lies you've held inside so long

They are nothing in the shadow of the cross

You're beautiful
You're beautiful

You are made so much more than all of this

You're beautiful
You're beautiful

You are treasured, You are sacred, You are HIS.

You're beautiful

This is Elange. Most of you met her here. My heart has been so heavy for Elange, this week the weight overloaded. I found out something that breaks my heart. This week IBESR, the Haitian Social Services, informed the orphanage that if Elange is not matched with a family within the next 4 weeks, they will not allow her to be adopted. The reason is that she must be under 16 years old at the time she is issued her visa. We are already pushing it. No one really knows the average adoption timeline for Haiti post-earthquake but given the rate that our files are moving through, we estimate around 9 months. This does not give Elange time to wait.

The reality of this situation is that if someone does not step forward and chose this precious girl she will be lost. Her dreams of becoming a doctor will be impossible. If she does not get adopted she will have to leave the orphanage. Her life will become like hundreds of thousands of other Haitian women. She is worth so much more than that!

Elange’s chances are running out and the very worst part of it all is that she knows. She knows that no one has chosen her. She has watched as one by one parents have come for their children, her friends, while she watches and waits. She begs me, over and over again not to leave her there forever. She begs me to find her someone. The last time I left she reminded me on my way out the door, to show her picture to all of the people who might want a bigger girl. She understands, she knows people want babies… SHE deserves to be someone’s “baby”.

Right now I am doing everything in my power to keep the promise that I made to Elange, to tell everyone I can, to show her picture, to make sure she has a chance to be known, loved.

Elange needs a family to step forward with either a current Haitian approved dossier OR current USCIS approval for international adoption. Because of the time limits she needs someone that is paperwork ready.

For someone with current USCIS approval (not specific to Haiti) an application can be made to rush their status for another country. This will need to be done right away.

The current criteria for adoption from Haiti are…

-Couples must be married for at least 10 years.

- At least one parent must be 35 years or older.

- Couples may have no more than 2 biological children.

- Single men are not allowed to adopt, single women are acceptable and must be at least 35 years old.

- FDPD also requires that adoptive parents must be of Christian faith.

The fee for Elange’s adoption is $10,000. It is big, it is scary. God is bigger. Financial concerns are the #1 thing that hold people back from adoption, please don’t let that be the case for this girl. We are working on setting up a fund for the costs associated with this adoption. There will be some sort of scholarship in place to help mitigate the cost of this adoption. We don’t know yet what that will be, but that is what faith is, “being sure of what we hope of and certain of what we do not see”.

I believe with all of my heart that God has plans for Elange’s life. I believe that He longs to rescue her. His plans are not dependent on our abilities, finances do not intimidate Him. The only thing that can prevent God from doing a big work in this life is fear. He only requires you to step out in faith, His promises cover the rest.

Please, if you would like information about adopting Elange contact me. Let’s give this girl a chance!

Finally . . . Forever

We are rejoicing with our friends today that Caleb is officially, forever a Klauser as of last night!! PRAISE THE LORD! You can read more on their blog.

Thank you to all who prayed. I know the Klausers are so grateful for your prayers. Those of us who followed their story definitely witnessed God hearing the cries of His people and throwing the mountain into the sea (as Natalie has said). May He continue to receive glory through this story that He is writing.

What She Wants You To Know About Being a Birth Mom

Again from Rage Against the Minivan, I am passing on a GREAT post written by a birth mom to help those of us who have not placed a baby for adoption understand a little of what life is like for them. Abram's adoption allowed me to gain monumental respect, appreciation and even awe for women who choose adoption for their baby. Birth moms have got to be some of the bravest women in the world.

Today’s guest post is by LeAnn.

What I want you to know about being a birthmother? It hurts. Not the physical kind of pain, although that can happen if I stress out to much, but it hurts mentally and emotionally. It messes with my psyche. There is a void in me that nothing can fill. The place that is deep inside and nobody else sees or feels like I do.

I was dating the guy who I thought I was going to marry. We talked about marriage and our future plans quite often. I loved him like I never loved before. I thought he felt the same way. Needless to say that when I found out I was pregnant he bailed. He wanted nothing to do with me or the baby.

He was adamant about giving the baby up for adoption from the beginning. I was not interested in it at all. I went through pregnancy counseling. I counseled with the pastor from my church. I still was not interested in giving the baby up for adoption. Everyone around me seemed to think that it was best. I didn't have any support for keeping my baby, I only had support for giving my baby up for adoption.

Toward the end of my pregnancy I did decide that it was best for the baby if I gave him up for adoption. With no support from anyone if I was going to keep the baby I thought the baby deserved a loving home and 2 parents. Everyone around me was on board with that decision since they wanted that all along anyway. I got to be involved in every step of the process of adoption.

What I want you to know about being a birthmother is that there is not a day, sometimes hour, or minute that I do not think about the baby boy that I gave birth to. I wonder if he is eating good. I wonder if he makes friends easily. I wonder if he is like me or his birthfather. I wonder if he will respect the decision I made and forgive me. I wonder if he wishes that I would have kept him. I wonder if he tortures he drives his older sister nuts like most brothers do. I wonder if he is truly happy. I wonder about every aspect of his life. I love him just as any mom who loves their children. That will never change. I did not give him up for adoption because I didn't want him. I still have days that I wish I wouldn't have given him up for adoption.

I got married and waited 7yrs to have children because I didn't want to have kids just to replace him. I now have two kids with my husband and its bittersweet. I love my children but everything that they do is a reminder of what I didn't get to see my firstborn do and experience with him.

I have great joy knowing that my son was placed in an awesome family. We have an open adoption and I think that has helped me deal with all of this.

I think the hardest part of this is the psychological damage it has done to me. I didn't have anyone to turn to after my son was placed for adoption. No one understood what it was like. No one wanted to talk about it. My self esteem took a huge nosedive and my trust in people became almost nonexistent. I lost friends. I still have trust issues today. No one talks about it even now 13yrs later. I feel awkward bringing it up to people. Whenever someone asks how many kids do you have I always hesitate and wonder if I should say 2 or 3. I don't hesitate because I'm embarrassed about my son or the situation, I hesitate because I don't want to make people uncomfortable.

I suffer from depression. Not the I can't get out of bed and hardly make it through my day kind but the kind where I'm not fully who I used to be. I used to be fun and outgoing, full of life. Now I'm more reserved and quiet. I'm afraid of getting to close to anyone for fear of being hurt again. I am not a downer. I don't complain and cry for hours on end. I'm the opposite. Its almost like I don't have any feelings at all. I don't go through my day dreary and sad. I keep it all inside. I don't think anyone knows the depth of my sadness or the ache I feel. I haven't given up on life and that it is full of wonderful things in spite of the trauma I have endured.

It is a continual process of forgiveness - my ex-boyfriend who abandoned me - for the people involved in my life that weren't supportive - for the people who are in my life but don't want to talk about it. I get it. Its uncomfortable. Very few people can fathom handing their child over to someone else to raise and understanding the circumstances around the adoption.

I am not looking for sympathy. I was old enough and mature enough to understand the depth of my situation and that it would effect the rest of my life. I want you to know that birthmoms don't give their babies up for adoption because they don't want them. More than anything they WANT what is BEST for the baby even if it means it is not what is best for the them.

Please if you know a birthmom (or dad) give them a hug. Be willing to listen to them and not judge. Be there for them. Next Mothers Day give a hug and or a card to a birthmom. It is the worst day of the year for them even if they have other kids. If you happen to know the date of the birth offer them an ear that is willing to listen. Offer them a babysitter to watch her other kids so she may have some private time to grieve and to remember the wonderful life she brought into this world. Just be willing to be there for her. It doesn't need to be a huge amount of time. You don't have to understand what she is going through, just so she knows that she is loved and not judged.

As birthmothers we know the sacrifice of giving up something that is totally against our internal instincts. But we also know that we have blessed a family beyond measure with a baby that they could not conceive of on their own. I am truly blessed to have found a family for my son that loves me. That is open to him about me. They make me feel welcome in their lives. i have never in 13yrs felt that I picked the wrong family for my child. I feel an absolute peace about the family I placed him in.

Thanks for letting me share,
LeeAnn

The Kids' Foster Mothers in Africa

A staff member from our agency recently traveled to C---- for the first time (and escorted a child home). She wrote a post on our agency's blog about her experience and let me tell you, it made my heart very happy!

"Those waiting to bring home your C----lese child might be comforted by my experience. I was most impressed with the foster mothers. They would remind you of your grandmother or favorite aunt. They were beautiful ladies, dressed in a classy style, and very loving to the children in their care. Some had even given the children nicknames based upon their personalities. The little guy I was escorting would laugh and giggle when his foster mother talked to him. It was obvious they had bonded and she knew how to meet his needs. This is very healthy for attachment; it will make your adjustment less difficult because your child has learned to trust adults to care for his needs."

What an incredible blessing to know our kids are being taken such great care of while they wait to come home. I have been (not as often as I would like) praying for our kids' foster mothers, that God will use them in a unique way to provide the love and care our kids need right now. When I begin to worry about how long they have been in foster care (longer than planned since our process keeps getting delayed), I have to trust God that He is using their foster families for His purposes in their little lives. Getting this report this week was incredibly encouraging!

All Good Things Must Come to an End

Including Grammy (or 'G-Bee' as Abram has started to call her, which cracks us all up!) moving out of our basement and into her and Ed's recently purchased house in Ames. While she is only moving a few blocks away (five blocks from our current house and two blocks from our new house!), there is a little boy who will definitely be missing his G-Bee. And all the . . .

Fun

Early morning hang-out timeReading timeTLC when Abram was sickMore reading timeSewing timeAbram loved helping Grammy sewAnd of course, lots of playing timeThank you mom for all the fun, the LOADS of free babysitting, help with laundry, help with hair cuts and help with a hundred other things - including coming upstairs to get Abram in the middle of the night a couple weeks ago when he fell out of his big boy bed and we did not hear him (oops!). We loved having you live with us! Glad you will still be close.

Sorry to make you cry, mom, but I had to do this post!

My Birthday

I had to share a couple wonderful gifts I got for my birthday. The first is the famous (to my fellow C-country/Africa adopting moms) necklace.

The second is another necklace I got from my mother-in-law that is purple (of course!). It is a little hard to see the 'T' at the end, but it says, ADOPT. I have never seen anything like this and I love it. Also, her purchase of this gift for me helped feed one orphan for a month. SWEET!Probably my favorite gift on my birthday was getting to watch my boy play with his new train in his p-poppers in the morning. Even though I have been a mom for almost two years now, I can still remember the aching feeling of not being a mom. Which is why hearing Abram say, "watch mommy" is my absolute favorite sound in the world right now.He also got a little electrical Thomas.
We like to have extended birthday celebrations around here. My friend, Molly, came and stayed with us Tuesday night. On Wednesday Jason took the day off. We ate Thai food for lunch. YUM!
I was really hoping Abram would love it. He tried a pad Thai noodle and ate a couple bites of fried rice but that was about it. We'll have to keep trying.
After lunch we went to see the horses on campus (behind Fredricksen Court).

Abram also got to see a train go by (you can see it in the background), which provided double the entertainment.

We had a great time.

Abram's Birth Family

I took everything off Abram's bedroom walls last week to pack them. I happened to set the picture frame of his birth family on the table temporarily. He loved getting to look and touch the pictures. It was a great time to talk about his family in Texas and remind him of how much they love him. And how much we love them, too!