Work of the Heavens

A must-read post for anyone adopting or interested in adoption. Here is an excerpt:

Dear one, it is not the shoes and skin and hair and food you need to devote the most energy toward: It is their heart. No matter what age your child comes to you, abandonment runs deep and the wounds are severe. Broken biological attachment breaks something in our children, and it is the work of the heavens to fuse it back together.

Your child will come to you scared and alone and ashamed and insecure. At best. 

Read on for the rest of what Jen Hatmaker has to say.

Resources

I went back and found an older post I did that compiles quite a few of the resources that I have found to be most helpful. I amended it slightly below.

Resources for Adopting Kids from Hard Places

I’ve been working on a list of resources for adopting kids from hard places (internationally or from foster care). It is not exhaustive, but it is made up of the top resources I have found in the past several months. Here are the statistics (from Dr. Karen Purvis) about kids from hard places transitioning into families: 1/3 of children adopted from hard places make a seamless transition into their new home, 1/3 of children have significant issues and the last 1/3 of children have intense issues transitioning to their new home.

Here is the reality: At the very least, any child being adopted from overseas has likely:

1) experienced a lack of food/starvation

2) had parents either leave them or they have had to leave their parents to be adopted

3) left everything they have ever known to be familiar to them (even if they were ‘bad’ 

circumstances from our perspective, they were still familiar)

These events happen to nearly EVERY child adopted internationally, no matter what their age (except for newborn infants who have care from birth and are then adopted). These events are traumatic. There is a lot of loss and grief these kids will experience. In addition, every child is going to have to deal with the issue of attachment to varying degrees; they also have to adjust to new parents and learn to function in a new family – or maybe the first family they've ever been a part of. Add to all this the possibility of having bonded with a foster parent and leaving them, having a parent leave them in the street to fend for themselves, witnessing fighting, abuse, murder, experiencing physical and/or sexual abuse and you can begin to see why kids who are adopted from hard places will have significant trauma that their parents will have to help them through.

Parents adopting kids from hard places can’t to bring these kids into our homes, give them the love we have to offer, parent them like we parent our children who have been with us since birth and expect that they will be fine. It is not fun to think about, but it is reality. And this reality can be incredibly overwhelming. Trust me, I have cried many tears over this. There were about four Sunday church services in a row last fall that I bawled like a baby, grieving and crying out to God about these things. There is nothing that has made me long for and depend on the power of God like the thought of adopting kids from a very hard place. In addition to the grace and power of God, there are two main things I have learned (from Dr. Karen Purvis at empoweredtoconnect.org) in my preparation that have helped me the most when I begin to feel overwhelmed about the challenge of parenting kids from hard places:

1. Parents who have a realistic perspective about how difficult it can be to parent kids from hard places will experience more success and joy in parenting than parents who have an idealistic view of what it will be like to bring these kids into their home. An idealistic view involves thinking “we have so much love to give a child,” “when they come home it will be wonderful,” “our child will be so happy and thankful we adopted him.” Being as realistic as possible about the difficulties that lie ahead is very important.
2. Dr. Karen Purvis has said if parents use the tools available to help parent kids from hard places, she has never seen a child not progress to their full potential later in life.

With this said, below is a list of books, blogs and more that I have found to be the most helpful. I also put my own commentary after each one to give more description about why it is on the list. Most of them are on this list because they have been recommended by a number of people. Some I have read, some I have not yet read. My goal in compiling this was to have as many of the resources I may need in the future handy and available. I actually have many more on a longer list, but I’m posting what I think are the main important resources. This also includes therapists. I know that may sound scary, but again, I’ve done enough reading to know that it is quite likely that one or more of our kids could need adoption-specific therapy or other treatment. I’m not planning on taking our kids to therapy as soon as they get here, but it makes me feel better to know that I know who I can call if I need to down the road.

BOOKSThe Connected Child (Dr. Karen Purvis, et. al.) If I had only one book to read to help me prepare and to refer to when my kids come home, it would be this one.

Wounded Children Healing Homes (Schooler, et. al.) Not quite as practical as “Connected Child” but my second favorite book in preparing to adopt kids from hard places.

Attaching in Adoption (Deborah Gray) I started reading this book, but decided it would be better to read after the kids come home and I know the specific attachment issues we are dealing with because it is very in-depth.

Nurturing Adoptions (Deborah Gray) I am planning to read this after the kids come home as well.

Building the Bonds of Attachment: Awakening love in deeply troubled children (Daniel Hughes) I got this book from the library last week, but then found out the author is doing a webinar through Adoption Learning Partners on March 8th (see below), so I signed up for the webinar and took the book back to the library.

Theraplay: Helping Parents and Children Build Better Relationships Through Attachment-Based Play (Jernberg & Booth) I am really looking forward to reading this book. I like the concept of using play as therapy and look forward to learning more about how we can do that.

The Boy Who Was Raised As a Dog (Bruce Perry) This book is not about adoption, but rather about how the brain is affected by trauma. It is not a necessary read for most people, but it is probably one of my favorite books I’ve read EVER (I was a psychology and sociology major, what can I say?)! It is incredibly fascinating and lays the foundation for understanding why kids end up acting the way they do after they’ve had traumatic experience(s). Trauma literally changes brain chemistry. The good news is that there are ways to “re-wire” the brain through treatment, therapy and appropriate parenting techniques.

When Love is Not Enough (Nancy Thomas) For parenting a child with RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder), but there is good, good stuff in there that would be helpful to know for anyone adopting, in my opinion.

Parenting with Love and Logic (Cline & Fay) I don’t have much to say about this book, but have seen it recommended by a number of sources.

Inside Transracial Adoption (Steinberg & Hall) “Transracial adoption” refers to adopting a child of a different race than yourself and your spouse.

I’m Chocolate, You’re Vanilla: Raising Healthly Black and Biracial Children in a Race-Conscience World (Wright) Another book about the issue of transracial adoption.

BLOGShttp://www.onethankfulmom.com/ This is my all-time favorite blog for Christ-centered adoption information. It is an adoptive mom who simply shares what she is learning, the issues her adopted kids face, etc. Most of my book recommendations have come from her.

http://gatheredfromafar.com/ This adoptive mom does a great job of sharing what life looks like after adopting three girls (I think they were adopted as toddlers or a little older). It has helped me get a better picture of what life might look like for us. She is also a believer.

OTHER RESOURCEShttp://empoweredtoconnect.org/ (Dr. Karen Purvis) I’ve shared this website on my blog before. It is PACKED with incredible resources. I have looked at many of them, but decided to wait to use this as a resource once our kids get here (instead of reading everything on it now).

7 Gifts & 7 Insights Video Series (by Empowered to Connect) If there was just one resource on this entire post that I recommend the highest it is this. It is a series of 17 short videos by Dr. Karen Purvis. We were required to watch this video series by our agency and I am so glad we did. There is also a study guide that can be downloaded to go along with it. This video series is the nuts and bolts of what every family must know about adopting kids from hard places.

Healthy Touch (Texas Christian Institute of Child Development) This is a DVD that I have about the importance of using touch/massage with children to help bond with them. Touch is a powerful tool that parents can use to help their kids bond and attach.

Adoption Learning Partners This site offers an extensive variety of online courses to help prepare for adoption. We watched “Food for Thought,” which helped us learn about how to help our kids catch up from being malnourished. I am also going to watch "Connecting Your Family, Inside and Out" by Daniel Hughes in a couple weeks. Most courses cost around $15.

Adoptive Families Magazine This is a great magazine and is available at the Ames Public Library (or you can buy a subscription). Each issue covers a number of important adoption topics. I used to get it shortly after Abram came home, but found it not as helpful for a domestic newborn adoption (there aren't as many post-adoption issues to deal with in an infant, domestic adoption). I need to start looking at it again because I know it will be very helpful now that we are adopting three kids from Africa.

NUTRITION These are the best two websites I've found to help parents know how to help kids nutritionally who have been malnourished.

http://www.adoptmed.org/

http://adoptionnutrition.org/ (The Spoon Foundation)

December 13, 2011

I am having a very difficult time with Isaiah this week. You know how after you get married, it takes awhile for your true self (i.e. all your sin) to show up (at least it did for me!)? That is how I think it is with Isaiah. I find it so interesting that most people are afraid of adopting older kids because of the harder/deeper issues they will have. And it is true – their issues are deeper, and often harder - because they are older. Our girls have difficult issues that I know are lying right below the surface. Sometimes they come to the surface and sometimes they don’t at this point in time (I imagine they will all have to come to the surface eventually for them to be fully healed and attached). But, currently I am having a MUCH harder time on a daily basis with my three year old than with my older girls.

First, the disturbingly uneasy look on his face, along with other incredibly nervous gestures he does EVERYTIME I lay him down for bed or for a nap is beginning to kill me. It is so hard to watch him be in such pain. It is almost like he is in physical pain. Last night, when I laid him down for bed I asked him if he was sad. He nodded his head, yes. I also asked him another question, which he answered, that gave a clue as to why he is having such a hard time. OH THE DISTRESS OF AN ORPHAN! Last night (because I asked him those two questions) he had a very hard time falling to sleep and I eventually had to hold him so he would fall asleep. Meanwhile I wept as I held him and grieved for him.

Second, up until this week Isaiah has had a surprisingly small amount of disobedience issues. But, I have noticed that his behavior isn’t really out of obedience either. I’ve told Jason I feel like there is more to it – he has had an odd sort of compliant behavior. I’ve been re-reading “The Connected Child” now that the kids have been home a few weeks (which has been SO GOOD . . . there are so many things that either make more sense or help a ton reading at this point in the journey). Without giving away too much of what I think Isaiah endured in his past, I will just say that I read in "The Connected Child" that one sign of not being well cared for in the early years is “aggressive and demanding (controlling) or compliant and passive (dissociative) behavior.”

COMPLIANT AND PASSIVE. Ding, ding, ding!

Remember when I said a lot of times Isaiah will just not use his words/voice? I now see how this is partly due to his being passive (as well as not using his voice). It is hard to give examples of this complaint/passive behavior, but let me just tell you it is near-maddening. And I am SO tempted to lose my temper with this child when he acts that way – which is exactly opposite of the deep love and compassion he needs to heal from it. I am in need of much more of Jesus’s grace, mercy, love and self-control to deal with this. I am totally clueless as to how to discipline and train him through this behavior (so I will be consulting my friend who has been super helpful in the past). If any adoptive parents have any advice on this issue, please chime in!

All that I know is there are many clues pointing to the fact that my sweet little boy has had a lifetime of hurt in the few short years before he came to us. I think there is a myth out there that if you adopt younger kids, they will have few, fewer, or no “issues.” It’s not true. I went head over heels researching information about how to parent kids from hard places because we were adopting older kids AND three at one time (which scared the life out of me). But, what I found is that any child, at any age, is going to have difficulties (to differing degrees) if you adopt them from a hard place. I say this not to scare people away but to just say: do your homework and have realistic expectations. If you found out the child you were carrying in your womb or adopting was going to have a disease or a special need, you would do some research and reading from professionals and people who have been through it to find out what to expect and how you can best care for him/her. That is what I am talking about. “The Connected Child,” the ETC website and this blog are good places to start.

I was also reminded in reading "The Connected Child" that one effective thing we can do with Isaiah is to “match” his behavior. “Matching occurs when the pair (parent/child) behaves in synchrony, mirroring each other’s actions, sounds, and eye contact . . . it offers companionship and a feeling of safety. Matching helps bring and adult into the world of the child, ultimately empowering the child to come into the world of the adult . . . For example, if the child is leaning back on his hands, you can do the same. If the child is sitting cross-legged, you can do the same. Get to her level and mimic the child’s position” (p 85-86). This was a good reminder and something I am going to work on more this week with Isaiah (I think I could do it a little with the girls as well).

When I am having a rough day with Isaiah and look in his face to meet his need or correct him or (try to) bear with him in his suffering in learning to trust, I am reminded that this is going to be a LONG journey of healing. It is easy to feel like I am getting no where with him. But, I have to remember (and writing this is helping me remember) that each of these little tiny loving actions will eventually build up a road of trust, security and attachment for him . . . but it is going to be a long road. Many times today I kept repeating this verse in my head:

“Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” (Galatians 6:9)

So here I am, again, in desperate need of Jesus to show up and provide what I need to love and parent this beautiful, broken-hearted boy that the Lord has entrusted to us. I am thankful God has given him to us.

Learning & Adjusting

After seeking out some more wisdom (from my CA friend) a few weeks ago about our kids not seeing any of our family members, we learned more and adapted our plan a little. We are learning the point is not to NOT see or be around close family/friends, but the point is to be very careful about the interactions those friends/family have with the kids. (Besides not hugging the kids and acting excited to see them, it is really important that mom and Kate, or others, don’t feed our kids or help them with any needs they have – I have to be the one to do that.) So, I intentionally had Kate, Syd and Grey come over for lunch last week, my mom stopped by one night and we went to my mom’s office today. All of these went well. Being around mom and Kate helps the kids to know they are important people in our lives, but the way mom and Kate interact with them help the kids to not be confused about who to attach to. Mom and Kate are doing a great job of being nice but not being as outwardly loving as they would love to be. :)

Shortly after I posted (a couple weeks or so ago) that we learned it would be best for other family members/friends to not hug or be excited to see our kids, I got a couple responses in support of that seemingly ‘crazy’ idea (and I totally understand that it seems crazy . . . it seemed crazy to me at first, too). I thought I would post them here in case they will be helpful to others.

Someone who follows my blog (please email me here so I can answer your question) wrote the following:

“We adopted a 3 and 4 yr. old two years ago. We are still dealing with the attachment issues and behavior issues . . . When you talk about not letting others hug your children or act excited to see them it all makes since as after 2 years we still don't have that mother-daughter attachment bond and she is struggling with every relationship she has.”

The second response came from a friend of mine who asked a friend of hers (who adopted) about the very strict no visitor/very little interaction policy we have going on. The adoptive mom said if she had to do it again, she would do it this way. She realizes now they should have been a lot more strict about these things in the beginning.

Both my mom and sister said it helped to hear these things - because it is very hard for them to not see us much. This helped them know it is worth it.

I share these things in the effort that they might help others finding themselves with the same questions we have had (namely, how to parent kids who are not yet attached/from hard places). I was helped to know how to attempt this task in HUGE, HUGE, HUGE ways by a few (Christ-centered) families who have gone before us. Everything we are doing is just stuff that those who have more experience have passed on (mostly through blogs/emails). This new life has been comprised of lots of learning and adjusting, learning and adjusting, learning and adjusting. And most importantly, seeking God’s wisdom. While my friend from CA has given me tons of great advice, she has always encouraged me to seek God’s wisdom above all. God’s Word is the authority on parenting and on hurt children.

As you probably know, I did a lot of reading and researching to prepare for this new life. And it has definitely been helpful. Very helpful. But, after six weeks of having our kids home (which is a blip in the bucket), here is what I now wish I would have known from day one (some of this I read about, some not)– again, in case this can help others:

1. Set very firm boundaries (very little, to no, choices)

2. Give as much nurture as you possibly can

3. Have a very simple routine, staying home as much as possible, with few visitors and lots of play

4. Pray a lot – for your kids, with your kids, over your kids

5. Seek God’s wisdom (about your kids’ needs and how to parent them)

While there are many other important things, you can only keep a few things in mind at a time and those are my top five (at this point at least).

I’m thankful for the ups and downs that helped us get to this place. And heaven knows we will continue to learn and adjust how we parent our kids (doesn’t everyone?!). It is the ‘firm boundary’ part that has surprised me the most. I feel like I didn’t read much about that in my preparation. And I am now realizing it is one of the most important things. It is hard to do at first and causes difficult behaviors to rise to the surface at times (or often, depending on the week!), but it helps the kids feel safe and secure knowing the adults in their life are in charge and they don't have to be.

Never Give In, Never Give In

I just read this post by one of my favorite (and thus, very helpful, adoptive blogging moms). It is a must-read for anyone adopting, having adopted or loving and supporting those doing so. I also found it timely considering what I wrote yesterday about the song, "You'll Come."

Must-Read Blog Post

Just read this must-read blog post.

I completely laughed out loud reading these sentences:

"We need you after the airport way more than we ever needed you before. I know you’re scared of us, what with our dirty hair and wild eyes and mystery children we’re keeping behind closed doors so they don’t freak out more than they already have, but please find ways to stick around."

And then nearly cried reading this:

"And even through the tears and tantrums (ours), we look at our children and marvel that God counted us worthy to raise them."

I'm pretty sure we could not be supported any better than all of you are supporting us, so that is not the purpose of reposting this post above. It just contains so much of our current reality that I could never get put into words.

What to Expect When Our Kids Come Home

I'm posting a letter I just sent to our friends and family. First of all, I borrowed this idea from someone else's blog - but changed a lot of the details to fit our family. I thought I would post it in case it could be helpful to anyone else down the road. Also, my email list of family and friends that I sent it to is not very comprehensive and I'm sure there are people who should have been on my email list, but weren't. So, this should help cover everyone.

Dear Family & Friends –

Only six more days until we get to meet Zahra (Za-rah), Zoe (Zo-E) & Isaiah! We are so excited! We are planning to drive to Chicago Tuesday afternoon to not have to worry about traveling the day the kids get in. We are also staying in a hotel Wednesday night so that we can spend quality time with the kids before we load them in the van to drive home for six hours. Most of our family members are coming (and staying overnight, too), along with some friends. Anyone willing to make the long drive is welcome to come! We are going to have a big airport welcome and then keep it low-key at home for quite awhile, as you will see below. Jason is going to take about two weeks off from work so that will be wonderful!

As we reach the final days before our kids come home, we want to share with you what life is going to look like for our kids, what we plan to do to support them and how you can support us as we do that. Some of this may be more info that you care about so feel free to skim. JWe are so excited about this next chapter of life and so grateful for all the ways you have loved us, supported us and prayed for us to bring us to this time of meeting our children. More importantly, we are grateful for your role in helping three orphans have a family forever. God is so faithful! We look forward to you meeting and having meaningful relationships with Zahra, Zoe & Isaiah.

WHAT LIFE WILL LOOK LIKE FOR OUR KIDS

While we are thrilled to bring these three kids into our family, it is going to be extremely difficult for them. They are leaving and losing EVERYTHING they have ever known. The people, weather, smells, music, food, language, sights, sounds . . . EVERYTHING will be different. And even us, their parents, will be strangers to them. We will be the third (at least) set of caregivers they have had. They are likely going to be grieving the loss of everything they have ever known, while trying to adjust to their new lives in a new place at the same time.

Initially we will be doing everything we can to bond and attach to one another. Bonding and attachment are imperative in developing each child’s sense of trust, security and self-worth. The tools are the same as bonding with an infant: we need to feed them, comfort them, help them sleep, and meet all of their basic needs, repeatedly over time. However, it will be more challenging because the girls are older (we can't exactly rock them to sleep with a bottle!) and also because they have all experienced significant losses and trauma in their short little lives. They may be afraid of allowing us to care for them, bond with them and get close to them for fear that they will lose us just like the others they have lost in the past. In order to overcome these obstacles and have a strong bond with them, we will need to be their sole caregivers for awhile, especially in the beginning.

HOW WE PLAN TO HELP OUR KIDS ADJUST TO THEIR NEW LIFE

Based on all that we have learned, the following is what we plan to do to promote bonding and ease the kids’ transition.

1. Focus on the basics of getting everyone fed, rested and dressed each day. Although I have a more detailed schedule with a good mix of bonding/physical/sensory activities planned for the future, this is all we will worry about for the first few weeks. We also plan to let them know they can sleep on the floor in our room (for awhile) if that helps them feel safe.

2. Be the ones to hold, feed, comfort and bathe the kids until they understand that we are their parents forever.

3. Do everything we can do to ensure that their environment and activities are predictable. Establishing a stable, predictable routine from the beginning will significantly help reduce the kids’ anxieties and help them feel safe. Since they will not speak any English, we will post their daily schedule in picture cards on a bulletin board in the kitchen so they can see what they will be doing each day. When changes are needed, we will try to make only one change at a time.

4. Keep the stimulation to a minimum. I have pared down the toys in our house to a minimum since they will be easily over-stimulated by everything around them that is new. But, I did buy two packages of balloons (after seeing how much fun Owen Scott had with balloons the first few weeks). Also, for attachment purposes we want parents and siblings to be the most interesting “toys” for awhile.

5. Stay home with limited visitors. We plan to stay close to home with few visitors and limit (or avoid) outside gatherings for a good two months or so. These precious few weeks and months of our kids first being home will only be given to us once in their lifetimes. We can’t ever get this important time back so we want to make the most of it. While we will miss out on some things going on, we have the rest of their lives to introduce them to people and go places.

6. Transition to new names. In order to make the name changes easier for the kids, we plan to call them both of their names – Zahra ___________, Zoe _________, Isaiah ________ - for awhile. This makes me feel like my brain might explode, but hopefully after awhile it will get easier! (Please don’t mention their African names online until they are home.)
   
   
7. Help them learn English. Since they won't know any English, we will help them learn it just through every day life.

HOW YOU CAN HELP SUPPORT OUR FAMILY

1. Re-direct the children to us, their parents, to meet their needs. Re-directing is when a non-parent re-directs a child to their parents to meet his/her need. This includes requests for food, drink, comfort, lap-sitting, holding, bathing, etc. For example, if one of our kids comes up to you to try to sit on your lap, please re-direct him/her to one of us. This will be really important in the beginning (even at the airport). I know this may be difficult for some of you (ahem…grandmas!), but it is an important part of our bonding process. As the kids better understand our role as their parents, it will become less of an issue.

2. Keep what you know of our children’s story private. While we want to be open and transparent with our lives, we ask you not to share the facts surrounding how our children came to be our children. If one of our kids ever asks you about his/her history, please re-direct them to us.

3. Understand that we need to limit visitors at initially. At first, we will have very few visitors and they will be limited to people the kids will see on a very regular basis. This will help the kids adjust more to their environment and the people around them. We look forward to our kids meeting all of our friends, family and church family, but we will take our time in doing that. Also, if you do visit, please do not bring gifts for the kids. If you really want to give a gift, please give it directly to us – out of eyesight of the kids – so that we can give it to them when they are ready. This won’t be forever, but we don’t want them to think that their new life is about getting things.

4. Help us with meals. This is one of our biggest needs during the difficult transition time (first 2-3 months). My friend, Alyssa, has set up a system for people to sign up to bring meals to us. If you haven’t been contacted yet about this and would like to sign up to bring us a meal, please email her at alyssa.sheedlo@gmail.com. I guess one perk of making a meal for us is that you will probably get to meet our kids when you bring it to us. J

5. Help with Abram. Abram’s poor little world is about to get rocked to the moon and back! While he needs a lot of time with the kids to bond with him, he could also use some time with friends and family like he is used to. And, this will give us opportunities to focus more on the needs of the other three. After the first couple weeks, let us know if you want to spend time with Abram.

6. Pray for us. While we are about to cross the finish line of this adoption process, we are really just getting started. We appreciate your continued prayers during this time of adjustment and transition into this new life with four kids.

Thanks, again, for everything. We love you!

Jason, Jen & Family

What Every Parent Should Know: Video 8

The IDEAL Response for Parents

This video is right up there with the last one. It gives more great tools . . . but this time specifically for correcting bad behavior.

The IDEAL Response for Parents from Tapestry on Vimeo.

Don't Adopt!

My friend, Amanda, shared the quote below from this article by Dr. Russell Moore (author of Adopted for Life) on her blog recently.

If you want your “dream baby,” do not adopt or foster a child: buy a cat and make-believe. Adopting an orphan isn’t ordering a consumer item or buying a pet. Such a mindset hurts the child, and countless other children and families. Adoption is about taking on risk as cross-bearing love.

You should definitely read the whole article. It is excellent!

What Every Parent Should Know: Video 7

Parenting Strategies that Connect

"If I understand the way God loves me and disciplines me, when God disciplines me, my behavior is changed. I feel more connected to Him than I did before and I feel more content because I know of His love for me." This is the goal of the parenting strategies Dr. Purvis talks about in this video.

This video is THE BEST so far! So incredibly helpful! It is packed with very practical tools to parent children from hard places. It is just the basic information for these tools, so it won't explain how to implement them in detail. That is done in The Connected Child book (and other Empowered to Connect resources).

Parenting Strategies That Connect from Tapestry on Vimeo.

What Every Parent Should Know: Video 6

Understanding Sensory Processing

"If (a child is) not picked up and held, cradled and touched and nurtured, the brain simply does not mature in appropriate regions."

Understanding Sensory Processing from Tapestry on Vimeo.

What Every Parent Should Know: Video 5

The Importance of Giving Voice to Children

"Giving voice to a child is the very way they know they are safe."

The second part of the video addresses those who work with orphans in orphanages and how they can help give orphans voice in that setting. Janel Sullivan, I thought of you when I watched it!

The Importance of Giving Voice to Children from Tapestry on Vimeo.

What Every Parent Should Know: Video 4

The Impact of Fear

"All children have fears but our children (from hard places) have greatly intensified fears."

"Most of our kids (from hard places) have been afraid so long that they don't know it is fear they are experiencing."

It is so important to understand the issue of fear with our kids . . .

The Impact of Fear from Tapestry on Vimeo.

What Every Parent Should Know: Video 3

Looking at Ourselves to Help Our Children Heal

"We can't lead them where we haven't gone ourselves."

Interesting stuff . . .

Looking at Ourselves to Help Our Children Heal from Tapestry on Vimeo.

What Every Parent Should Know: Video 2

Focusing on the Whole Child

This one is rather simple - the title says it all. (By the way, these videos are only a few minutes each!)

Focusing on the Whole Child from Tapestry on Vimeo.

What Every Parent Should Know: Video 1

Empowered to Connect just launched a series of 8 videos with the most important, basic information that every parent adopting should know. I'm going to post one video per day to make it more manageable for you to watch them. I am so grateful for the wisdom and knowledge from Dr. Purvis and her colleagues. We fully expect bringing three kids with traumatic histories from another country into our family to be the hardest thing we have ever done. But, the valuable knowledge from Dr. Karen Purvis has enabled us to feel prepared with great tools to connect with our kids and help them adjust, and has given us therapeutic parenting skills for life-long healing in our children.

The first video below is Children from Hard Places. The thing I have found so interesting with all the information from Dr. Karen Purvis and the ETC website/resources is that there is always something new to learn. Even though I have read about as much of their info possible, I still learned new things watching this video.

A last thing I would add about this particular video today is that there is good information regarding domestic adoptions. Many people - myself included until very recently - think that if you adopt a child at birth or if you were in the room when he/she was born, your child is not at risk for the "hard places" risk factors. And it is simply not true. It took me awhile to be convinced but through a lot of reading and listening to Dr. Karen Purvis I fully believe that Abram falls in the category of a child from a hard place. Granted it is not nearly as hard of a place as our other three kids but there are still risks for him. The reason is that there is so much brain development in-utero that any stress a birth mother experiences directly affects the brain development of a baby before he is born. Dr. Purvis touches on this in the video. If you would like more information about this topic, please email me. I would be happy to talk more about this.

Children from Hard Places from Tapestry on Vimeo.

After the Airport

I was reeled in to read this excellent, but-will-not-give-you-warm-fuzzies blog post a few weeks ago when a friend posted one sentence from it:

You cannot just be into adoption to adopt; you have to be into parenting.

Considering the Cost

I came across another great blog post about adoption and finances and wanted to share.

The #1 thing I hear from people in response to our adoption is: “Isn’t it really expensive?” I want to step up on a soapbox every time and remind them that God owns the cattle on a thousand hills and what He promises He provides and all that Truth! But, lately, I have started to see that common question in a whole new way. Truth is, adoption is very expensive. It costs a lot more than just dollars and cents though. So if just the money thing scares you, then you probably aren’t ready for adoption.

Dan Cathy said, “A God inspired dream will never fit in your checkbook or calendar.” That is so true. Adoption is a God-inspired dream for us. We were not qualified by the size of our savings account, for sure! We weren’t qualified by how practical it seemed to add another 2-year-old into our lives a few weeks after moving, changing jobs, leaving family, etc., etc., etc. Adoption can cost a lot more than money. It has cost us our comfort, our “normal”, our sense of control, our plans, our understanding, our pride…and the list goes on.

I can remember placing all my focus on ways to come up with the money when we started this ride. But, honestly, getting donations and applying for grants was the easiest and most joy-filled part of the journey for us. The process of hearing people’s hearts and stories and watching them be obedient to the call to give towards our family was humbling and amazing! It wasn’t just a few checks from a few rich people that helped us reach the financial end. It was the many drops in the bucket from a faithful group of people all over the world who are passionate about Gods love for orphans, some of which we have never met.

So, to answer your question, folks: YES! Adoption is VERY expensive. But, the trade off is complete reliance on the Holy Spirit to weave together a story so much bigger than you. You just have to decide for yourselves if its worth it.

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Bethany Gaddis

I have been married going on 8 years to a worship pastor, a rock star, and the most involved and intentional dad I have ever seen! Together, we have the privilege of parenting three amazing children (Jaxon- 5 1/2, Jovie, 2 1/2, and Jaydn 2). Jaydn recently came to us through adoption from Uganda, Africa. We just moved to Little Rock, Arkansas, but I am a west coast girl at heart. I enjoy photography, adventure recreation, and teaching high-school students about the most important decision they could ever make: to follow Jesus. I enjoy writing as a way to learn life lessons out loud because, most of the time, the right (wise) answers are in me somewhere; I just have to dig to find them. I am a firm believer that this life is not my own, so I try my best to respond to every opportunity that crosses my path to give of my life, my love, and my resources.

Christian Alliance for Orphans

Over this past weekend Jason and I decided to attend the Christian Alliance for Orphans Summit VII on May 12-13 in Louisville, Kentucky. We are so excited! Since our kids won't be coming home until July or August we felt like this would be a good time to go. However, we will have JUST moved into our new house so I know it will be hard for me to leave with so much to do. But I know it will be worth it!

Jason is excited to network with some of the guys he follows from Christian Alliance for Orphans and Together for Adoption. I'm looking forward to hearing Dr. Karen Purvis and some of the other great speakers. We got to choose five diffferent break-out sessions to attend - they are going to be great!

SO . . . who else wants to join us??!! There are a group of Salt Company students going but we would love to have some other community people come along! You can check out the CAO website for more info or email me.

The Privilege of Saying Yes

This is a great article that summarizes a topic that is talked about at length in "The Connected Child." It is written in the context of parenting children from hard places.

From: empoweredtoconnect.org
By: Amy Monroe

One thing I’ve learned in my journey as a mom is the need for me to raise the level of nurture I bring to parenting in order to help my children build trust. My children need to trust that I will consistently meet their needs in ways that help them understand that they are precious and that their voice matters. Telling them I will meet their needs helps them to “know it;” showing them (over and over and over again) helps them experience it and learn to trust.

A great way to accomplish this is to give my children as many “yes’s” as I can. It is through my “yes’s” that I can best give my kids this gift of trust. In order to improve in this area, during a recent Saturday at home with my kids I committed to giving them as many “yes’s” as possible. Trust me, this wasn’t easy, but I need the practice and they need this gift. Throughout the course of that day I was intentional about catching myself before each and every “no” I was about to give. As I stopped to think every time I considered saying “no,” I asked myself a simple question: Can I give my child a joyful “yes” instead?

What I learned in the course of this day was truly insightful. I realized that I am often tempted to say “no” out of mere convenience or for selfishness reasons. In fact, in many situations giving a “no” had become my default response. But I discovered something even more amazing – the more “yes’s” I gave the better my kids responded to me and the more our connection was strengthened.

I know what you may be thinking about now – that as a mom we can’t always give “yes’s.” This is certainly true. But I am discovering that the more “yes’s” I give the easier it is for my kids to accept the “no’s” that are an undeniable part of learning and growing. In fact, as I am mindful and creative about giving “yes’s,” I have found that I can often give a “yes” to go along with many of my “no’s.” For example, when I found my six-year-old daughter Kate in the pantry looking for a snack just 15 minutes before lunch, I had to say “no.” But, I was also able to give her a “yes” by telling her that she could put her snack in a special place and have it after lunch. That “yes” represented a win for both of us, and allowed me to meet her need and put another, albeit small, deposit in our trust account.

Each day is full of countless opportunities for me as a mom to give both “yes’s” and “no’s.” My kids certainly need me to say “no” at times in order to help them grow, but they also need many joyful “yes’s” to help them build trust. I am learning that God has given me the responsibility to say “no” when needed, and the privilege to say “yes” as often as I can.

Amy Monroe writes a weekly column – A Mother’s Heart – on the Tapestry blog.

Something More To Consider:

Giving your child “yes’s” isn’t just about saying “yes” to his requests. You can also say “yes” to your child by learning to share appropriate levels of power him. Watch as Dr. Purvis explains this concept and its benefits for our children in terms of helping them grow and heal.