ONE YEAR!

Last Sunday (October 28th) marked our ONE YEAR mark with our African kids! We were out of town over the weekend for a family wedding so that was part of our celebration. After thinking about the craziest  year of our lives and making it to the one year mark, I decided to celebrate all week long last week!

What an incredibly different family we are one year later!

TO GOD BE THE GLORY FOR ALL HE HAS DONE IN US, FOR US, WITH US, THROUGH US AND IN SPITE OF US.

I'm a little late blogging about the big one year, partly because we were out of town and partly because all last week I was processing all that it means to have made it to the one year mark. At first, I almost didn't want to think back on the year. It was by far the hardest year of my life and in many ways, I didn't want to relive some of it. But, it was also the most WORTH IT year of my life and God did SO MUCH. I'm really glad I blogged a lot when they came home so I can read what happened and remember the details. Otherwise, it would be impossible to remember much of what happened. It is like a decade worth of life happened in just one year. In fact, my friend Jill (who walked very closely with me through this last year) said, "in some ways it seems like they have been home for a year and in other ways, it seems like they have been here for TEN YEARS." She was right on.

Last Monday I decided I would work on a photo album for the kids all week (if I don't do it now, I can't see when it might ever get done!). It has been good to go back and look at all the pictures from when the kids came home and talk to them about it. The girls haven't had too much to say about it. Claire said she was surprised to see all the people at the airport because she thought the escort would bring them all the way to our house. :) Isaiah was such a baby when he came. I feel like he has grown up three years worth (which is probably true, emotionally).

Last week I also decided to read each corresponding day from last year on my blog as I go along in the next weeks (today I read what I blogged on November 5th last year, etc.). Reading things like, "I saw Claire first (at the airport) and her eyes lit up when she saw me. She came right toward me to give me a hug," is something I do not remember, but it so fun to think about now that I really know her. Of course her eyes lit up - that is Claire! I didn't remember that Claire and Abram were buddies so soon at the restaurant and he asked to sit by her. I could go on and on! I'm trying not to cringe too much at the many things I said were good to do that I would not do if I had new kids placed with us now. :) But, hindsight is 20/20, right? All the reading in the world could never prepare you for adding three kids (two being older) to your family when you have only had a two year old. 

I've realized half of the incredible difficulty of the past year was not having a routine of life for older kids that our girls could jump into. Trying to make up our daily routine, figure out expectations, decide how we wanted our kids to act at the table and every other thing that usually becomes part of your family DNA over time - all at once - was a huge challenging factor (having nothing to do with adoption issues). I'm very glad to be over that hump. 

Another thing I have thought about is that "Gotcha" Day is just not the word to use to describe and celebrate the day our kids came into our family. I have no problem with other people using this word (and don't worry if you said it to me!). If you have been reading my blog, you know my kids have each struggled in HUGE ways adjusting to our family. In many ways their coming into our family has not been a happy thing for them. While we are so thankful (beyond words) that Claire, Zoe and Isaiah are part of our family, their coming into our family TO THEM represents a TON of loss, grief and trauma. Some days even now, two of my kids are still trying to figure out if they are happy to have been "gotten" by us and be part of our family. Homecoming Day is a better way to describe it for our family. 

And, I am very much praising God for the family that we are today. Just the fact that we feel like a REAL, TRUE FAMILY is an incredible blessing and evidence of God's work in all of us. He has done so much. My two favorite things about God in this last year: 1) Watching Him move mountains (healing my children), right in front of my face many, many times and 2) Seeing God come through for me EVERY time I needed Him to. 

I'm so glad God has allowed me experience all of the ups and downs of this past year. The highs were HIGH and the lows were LOW. Hard as it was, I wouldn't trade any of it for the world. Watching three former orphans become your children, learn to love and be loved (or at least on their way), develop personalities and talents and abilities and begin to hunger for spiritual things has blessed my life in unbelievable ways. Not only are my kids completely different kids than they were a year ago, I am different person and a much different mom. God has used this last year to allow me to know Jesus more, depend on Him more and live on His Word more than ever before. I don't ever want that to stop!

Zoe

Zoe and Claire with their cousins (and best friends), Sydney and Mya.

You guys, Zoe is doing SO WELL. I have had a hard time getting this post started because I am afraid I will not be able to do justice to all the ways God is working in her life - all the ways He is healing her. There wasn't really one event. (Or maybe it was the "just go throw a fit over there" bit that helped us turn a corner. Ha! I'll never know.). But about two weeks ago, I noticed her heart and disposition take another turn . . .

A turn toward me.

There is no greater joy when you are doing the attachment dance.

I don't think I ever wrote about the time about a month ago when she was SAD (I think this was a huge healing/turning point). She was sad about something she wasn't able to do (that I didn't let her do because she was trying to use manipulation). It took me about 1.5 hours to realize she was SAD and not MAD. Remember how Dr. Karyn Purvis says that "mad is really covering sad"? She was SAD and not mad for the first time ever. This means she felt safe enough and she trusted me enough to show her real feelings. I was able to encourage her that God was making her heart stronger because she was sad instead of throwing a fit. I empathized with her and told her that God gave kids mommies to comfort them when they feel sad. We rocked with candy and I had THE BEST bonding time with her EVER. I was able to literally pour out my love to her in words (while tears ran down my face), telling her how much I love her and how she is one of the most amazing girls I have ever known in my life. Because I am telling you - SHE IS.

While there is still some crazy behavior, there is such an evident and strong attachment to Jason and I forming in her. I remember reading somewhere about an easy sign of attachment:  if you glance at your child and smile and they naturally smile back - that comes from having an attachment. She totally does this. I see so much LIFE and SPARKLE in her eyes now - not fear!. She lets me hug her many times a day. She'll even let me crawl up in bed with her and snuggle with her! We are starting to see such a fun-loving girl come out of her. She laughs A LOT (and so hard!) She snaps out of her fits and funks so easily (we are talking seconds here, people!).

Zoe is my super task-oriented girl (kind of like the old me - before I had four kids!). She is always doing something. Whether crafting up something with my glue gun, reading books, coloring, cooking, doing her doll's hair, playing with dolls, dancing, and on and on. From the moment she wakes up until her head hits the pillow, she is doing something. Her abilities and talents seem to be never-ending. She can sew a Barbie dress from her old jeans, she can dance like nobody's business, she can cook, she can sing, she can write (more on that below), she is very athletic (though we haven't ventured out into that world yet), she loves to help Jason in the yard (she mowed the yard the entire summer!), she taught herself to read over the summer and I could go on. I'm telling you . . . she is amazing!

But, what is even more exciting than all of this is how Zoe's spiritual life is forming. About a month ago she asked me (rather out of the blue): "Mom, when God's people ran away from him (in the Old Testament), did He punish them or forgive them?" WOAH! We hadn't just read a certain story nor did she hear that question somewhere. She was genuinely wanting to know. It was a really good question! It was such a great opportunity to share the example of when Abram (using her as an example would have been too much) disobeys, Daddy has to discipline him, but Daddy disciplines him AND loves him AND forgives him at the same time. Because this is exactly what God does for us. Sometimes God has to do something (that feels like punishment) to stop us from going the wrong way. I remember praying that God used that time to help her see how our boundaries and structure in her life are LOVE. Getting to share truth like this regularly with my girls is my favorite part of parenting these days!

About a month ago, Zoe started writing in a notebook. And she really hasn't stopped writing! Not only do I think writing is probably one of Zoe's God-given gifts, but I think God is really using it to help her express thoughts and feelings that she has inside that she is not yet ready to say out loud.  She writes stories and songs and prayers. The things she writes about BLOW MY MIND AND HEART AWAY. They usually are about God's truth and what He has done for her, thanking Him for giving her a good family, thanking Him for forgiving her and on and on. Can you believe this?! It fills my heart with incredible JOY.

Another way I can tell her attachment is growing and she is healing is how she interacts with her brothers. She didn't used to have much of a relationship with them (because if you don't have an attachment with one or more parent, you literally don't know how to have relationships with anyone else). But she has started to form relationships with both the boys. It is so fun to see. She helps them and she makes tents and forts for them and most recently she has been playing "school" with them (hilarious!). Abram loves to run up and give her a hugs, which is so sweet (especially if you knew how non-existant this was).

Hopefully you can see what an amazing work God has been doing in Zoe's life. So many other little things have happened that show God's healing in her life but I can't remember half of them! Getting to be part of God's redemptive work in her life has been the HARDEST but MOST WORTH IT thing I have ever experienced. I love her so incredibly much! Getting to be her mom is one of the greatest privileges I could ever have imagined. I can't wait for how God will continue to heal and restore her and use her life for His glory.

Claire

 I thought I would give a little update on the girls (first Claire, then Zoe in the next post). We have had two VERY GOOD weeks with the girls. Way more non-therapeutic parenting going on than therapeutic parenting. I am praising God for His goodness and grace to continue to heal my kids.

It has been fun to start helping the girls see some of the gifts that God has given them, help them be able to use them and encourage them as they use their gifts. This part of parenting is awesome! God has given Claire a gift to love and help younger kids. It is very evident in her life.

God provided a really great opportunity for Claire to use this gift a couple months ago. The girls go to a homeschool coop class (drawing) for one hour every Tuesday. There is a Kindergarten/1st grade coop class two hours a week at the same building on Thursdays and the teacher was looking for a helper. After hearing how much Claire loves helping out at church with younger kids, the teacher asked if Claire could be her helper. It is such a win, win, win situation. Claire loves helping younger kids, she is good at it (she is not shy, but confidant and takes initiative to help) and she is sure to learn a lot in that class. I love how God orchestrated this!

A couple months ago I asked Claire to give the boys a bath and put their p-pops on because I was finishing up Zoe's hair after dinner and Jason was working late. Not only did she do that, but when I went in the boys room to check on them, I found Claire reading to the boys on the bed, one boy on either side of her (she can't even really read yet, but she tells stories from the pictures - I love it!). Each boy had their own monkey all wrapped up in a blanket. Abram's monkey had a diaper on (just like he wears) and Isaiah's monkey had a pull-up on (just like he wears). Of course Claire had helped them do all of that. It was too stinkin' cute!

Claire is VERY relational. She likes being around other people and I am still amazed at her confidence in interacting with others. She is also quite perceptive when it comes to relationships. She is very aware of people's feelings and interactions. The other day we had some new friends over (three kids, their mom and their grandma). After they had been here for about ten minutes, I looked over and saw that the grandma had a glass of water. And that was because Claire (unbeknownst to me) had already asked if they wanted water. Sheesh! She put me to shame in the hospitality department! Combining her past experiences (being in need and being an older child helping others in Africa) with her budding maturity and gifts from God, this girl has an amazing heart to help other people. If you were to ask her what she wants to do when she gets older, she would tell you she wants to go back to Congo and help kids. If this is God's plan for her, we would LOVE to cooperate with God to help her achieve it. 

But for now we are working on helping her obey mom and dad. :) She struggles with this (of course - what child doesn't?!). She is so much like me . . . the oldest child of the family who is often times too responsible for others and tries to be in charge too much and she is very emotional. It is great to be able to impart God's truth to her daily as we parent her now. On more than one occasion I have told her that I think God has great plans to use her life for His kingdom (which she is excited about) but obeying mom and dad is the best thing she can do to prepare for that now. :) 

Claire is my laid-back, likes-to-lounge-around girl. I love how genuine she is. She has matured SO MUCH in the last months so she doesn't like to play nearly as much as she did before. She and I share lots of clothes these days. :) School is not Claire's strong suit, but little by little she is starting to make progress with reading and math. She loves to listen to stories so in addition to me reading to her, she listens to a lot of stories on CD and books on CD from the library. She loves hugs and reminds us if we have forgotten (or if she thinks we will forget!) to give her a hug and kiss before bed. 

I am so incredibly blessed to be Claire's mom. SO BLESSED. I can't imagine my life without her. She is doing so well that I feel like she has been my daughter forever. In fact, sometimes I am caught off-guard when a situation reminds me of what her life used to be like before she came into our family. It almost doesn't seem possible. I am blown away by God's ability to HEAL and RESTORE a child's life after he/she has been through and witnessed such tragedy. It has been an amazing joy to watch God work in her life and see her blossom into the girl (on her way to being a woman really fast!) He created her to be. Words could never express how THANKFUL I am that God chose me to be her mom. He is so GOOD!

Claire with her cousin, Mya.

Facing My Biggest Fear: The Fit

Fear is my biggest weakness. Satan knows it and has preyed on my fear in a number of ways throughout my life and now is no exception. God is also quite aware of the fear in my heart and is graciously using my RADish to really dig out the root of it. At the Nancy Thomas seminar we attended a few weeks ago (SO GOOD!), I realized that the biggest issue needing addressed in my parenting was my fear of my RADish's fits. It sounds so ridiculous, doesn't it? Fearing a fit? Sheesh, Jen, get it together. 

But, I fear her fits because they make me feel COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTROL. They are big, ugly and leave me having no idea what to do. OUT OF CONTROL = FEAR in my sinful heart. God is trying to change the equation to OUT OF CONTROL = TRUSTING THAT GOD IS ABSOLUTELY SOVEREIGN AND TOTALLY IN CONTROL (no matter how it looks or feels). I am such a slow learner because this continues to be one of the biggest things I struggle with!

God used my time with Nancy Thomas to help me gain more tools to deal with my RADish's control and manipulation - especially THE FIT. 

The Monday after the conference, I had a prime opportunity to use one of my new tools. Of course, my RADish most often throws fits when I say NO. In hindsight, I realize that (prior to seeing Nancy Thomas) I would dance around my "no" to my daughter out of fear of the fit. As the fit started going down, I would often say, "well, if you can ask me with respect..." and then I would often let her do or have what she was asking for. (Occasionally this is not bad to do. But I was doing it a lot.)

So, the Monday after the conference, the kids and I were at a gas station waiting for our van to get worked on. I got the kids popcorn for a snack. My RADish was badgering me (it is a very aggressive/manipulative kind of asking that's hard to describe) to get something else for a snack. This is where in the past I would have made her ask with respect and just got something else so I didn't have to deal with a fit. Instead, thanks to Nancy Thomas and GOD'S GRACE, I laid down a very firm, but positive, "No. We are having popcorn." A big fit began, as expected. So (here comes the new tool...), I pointed to a nearby chair and said, very positively and without sarcasm,"Hey Zo, see that chair right there? That would be a really good place to throw a fit. Just go over there and throw a fit." She squirmed in her chair, a little frustrated, and tried a new angle with the fit. I said, "its okay, you can stay right there and give me your best mad." After I said that, I saw her face change. Her countenance deflated as she realized her fit was not ruffling my feathers or affecting me one bit. (And that is the point of most therapeutic parenting techniques for kids with attachment issues - to do something to address the behavior without letting it ruffle your feathers. This helps explain why the learning curve is so darn high!) 

After a little more squirming she stopped her fit completely and went about a normal conversation. Strike up the hallelujah chorus...I wanted to do a cartwheel right then and there! As we walked back to where our van was, I was marching and walking goofy and she joyfully followed, right in step with me. We were back in connection, enjoying each other. Thank you God. 

I felt such victory that day because not only was the "go throw a fit" tool successful, but God helped me overcome my fear of her fits. Laying down firm NO's is crucial to providing the high structure that will lead my RADish to trust me and fully heal. If she can get me to cave a lot who is in control? She is. And she cannot trust me if I am not strong enough to be in control and stand firm against her control and manipulation (that she has had to use to survive). But attachment-challenged children PUSH and PUSH and PUSH your every button (and they know your exact button!) to make darn sure they are going to be able to trust you. 

God used that day to boost my confidence to keep giving firm no's when needed, which is A LOT considering how constantly she asks for things. Yes, we need to give as many YES's as we can to meet needs and provide high nurture. That is why we make our kids ask for everything - to get water, to go to the bathroom, to put salt on their food, to have a napkin, etc., We are making up for the 100,000 needs an infant has in the first year of life. When that infant gets 100,00 YESes that first year, they TRUST and ATTACH to their parents. But, we are also providing all the NO's a parent gives in the second year of life (and beyond) as a child explores his/her boundaries. The NO's help them feel SAFE (even though they don't like hearing it). The YES's in the first year (+) and the NO's in the second year of life (+) are what help children develop a conscience (from "Understanding and Treating the Severely Disturbed Child" by Foster Cline via Nancy Thomas). This was a very cool new thing I learned from Nancy Thomas a few weeks ago.

If you made it through all of this, thanks for reading and tracking with me as I process all of this! 

Life These Days

Remember me? Yes, it has been awhile.

I feel like life these days almost defies words. In a lot of ways we have found our new normal. My kids very much feel like my kids (probably not 100% yet, but we are getting close). I love them so much and can't imagine life without them. We don't have very many big crisis moments (hours of rages and days full of disrespect) anymore. And for that I am SO THANKFUL. And  just in the past few weeks there has been MAJOR evidence of God's healing and attachment in my RADish - more than ever before. HALLELUJAH! Seriously, it is one of the most amazing things to experience.

But, there is still constant crazy manipulative behavior (many different varieties) daily, even in the midst of a lot of healing. As life gets more "normal" the challenges become more constant throughout the day. There for awhile I wasn't sure if crisis mode was harder or constant mode is harder. The constant manipulation and control is exhausting and emotionally draining to endure and to try to figure out how to parent. And the transition to more constant, controlling behavior was difficult (as are any kind of transitions for me). In crisis mode, there is no choice but to cling to Jesus for my every breath and word. But, as the crazy behavior became more of a normal part of my day, I found myself in my default self-sufficiency mode. There were a few weeks in there that I felt I was totally in a spiritual fog, trying to learn how to trust in Jesus moment by moment in what seemed more like more normal life. God is faithful and His Ways are always the best. I didn't understand those foggy weeks, but I'm glad they are over.

Another sign that life is beginning to resemble a new "normal" is that I exercised all five days in a row last week . . . for the first time in a YEAR! And what's more is that I actually showered five days in a row for the first time in almost year, also. :) And I even am wearing makeup today 'just because' (in the past I needed to have a darn good reason to take the time to do that!).  These things all contribute to life feeling more "normal" even in the midst of lots of crazy behavior. I guess I am finally learning to function well with the CRAZY (not-yet-attached behaviors).

Part of the crazy is Isaiah. While his behavior doesn't look crazy, he is struggling a lot right now, and his behavior is a bit puzzling and very frustrating. Sometimes I feel like he is the least attached of all the kids. So, I am back to rocking him and singing with him and asking God for wisdom to know what else we should do to love and care for him.

Over the summer I felt able to start doing a few things for other people, a few more things outside our home, going more places, etc.  But, I've had to pull most of it all back in so that I have enough emotional energy to parent my kids well. Oh yeah, and to home school . . . a little! We are still very much on the low-intensity side of home schooling.  But, it is fun to see the girls start to learn to read.

I'm thankful to feel more and more equipped every day to handle the control and manipulation that goes on. In some ways I feel like I am just now "getting it." Practice doesn't make perfect, but I'm realizing PRACTICE (along with the Holy Spirit!) does help a great deal in learning this whole other world called therapeutic parenting. Dealing with a child day after day with attachment issues really is like stepping into  completely OTHER WORLD. That's the only way I know to describe it. The other day I felt like I've learned more in the last year than I if I would have went to college this last year!

But, I'm so THANKFUL. God continues to give me so much joy and peace in the midst of the crazy and the teenager attitudes (oh yes, lots of that, too!). There is no other explanation for it besides Jesus being alive and living in me through the Holy Spirit. I'm thankful for all the fun we have together as a family. We laugh our heads off together most nights at the dinner table. Even though there is still a lot of crazy, taxing behavior, we are more bonded as a family than ever before. Ah, what a difference that makes! It think that is what makes the biggest difference right now. Feeling more bonded as a family and seeing with my own eyes evidence of attachment in my RADish makes handling the hard, crazy behavior so much better. I'm thankful to the point of tears to see signs and to start to FEEL an attachment with my younger daughter. I'm thankful for all of the opportunities we have to speak the Truth to our kids and to see the girls really start to get spiritual things.

Most of all, I'm thankful that God continues to be faithful to us and come through for me EVERY TIME. Like last Wednesday . . . it was our first home school coop field trip (to the orchard/pumpkin patch). I hardly even remember the details of what happened before we left, but my RADish took off on a manipulation frenzy. I am usually able (by the grace of God) to stay calm, but the stress of needing to get out of the door by a specific time was pressing in on me and I was about to LOSE IT! (This is exactly why our life is such that we don't HAVE to be anywhere at a certain time most days.) After contemplating not going, I got everyone in the van but I was an emotional wreck. I was a wreck from the bewilderment of manipulation and I was nervous not knowing how it was going to go for my kids to be at a new big place with tons of people. And to be completely honest, I was feeling alone thinking about being with lots of other families who don't understand what it is like to live with RAD and to have just spent your morning detangling the webs of control and manipulation. I prayed as I drove and I specifically asked God to come through for me and provide what I needed. I didn't even know what I needed.

As I pulled in the parking lot, the woman getting out of the van next to me was a very dear friend of mine who mentored me as a new believer and has shaped my life a ton since then. I don't get to see her very often and I didn't expect her to be there. I think my heart rate went down just simply seeing her standing there. She came over and gave me a big hug, not knowing how much I really needed a hug in that moment. God blew me away having this friend be the very first person I saw. We then ended up in a tour group with this friend and two other friends of mine.  I spent the rest of the day with the second two women and their kids - one of which is my daughters' friend. God provided exactly what we needed. He is so faithful!

I would not trade this life for anything. It is not easy, but I love watching God come through day, after day, after day.

Love Don't Cost Nada

Our friend, Jason and Jess Crawford, are adopting two kids from the same country as us.  Jason Crawford's employer is generously hosting a fundraiser for their adoption this Friday night. It sounds very fun! We are going and we have tickets to sell also. Let me know if you would like tickets.

She Needed Me

The girls had their first hour-long home school co-op class (drawing) this past Tuesday (its a once a week class). They had been looking very forward to it and of course Zoe had been trying to convince me that she should stay there all day. :) When we got to their class, guess who was hanging onto me with both hands, scared out of her sweet little mind? Yes, my Zoe. As the class was starting, I if she wanted me to wait outside the class by the window so she could still see me. She did. I told her I could stay as long as she needed and she could wave me off when she was ready for me to go. Twice, as I stood at the window, she looked up at me for reassurance. After about 10 minutes, I saw the girls talk and then Claire waved at me that I could go.

As I drove off, I felt more like Zoe's mom than I ever have in the past 10.5 months. I was filled with incredible hope and joy because MY GIRL NEEDED ME. AND SHE DEPENDED ON ME for those 20 minutes before and after her class started. I was her lifeline in those moments. Oh, the joy for this mom!

As I drove off filled with more hope than I have had in awhile, I also felt like God gave me spiritual eyes to see all the love, trust, care, nurture and structure that I have poured into her for the last ten months. God helped me see that it is all still in her . . . it has not been in vain (contrary to how I feel a lot). He encouraged me to keep believing that SHE WILL TRUST ME  - it is just going to continue to take a lot of time.

Observing Zoe in that classroom (and at two different social events this past weekend - hiding) has reminded me of an important truth about attachment. A secure attachment with a parent is the basis for all other relationships. Kids are not able to have healthy relationships if they do not have a secure relationship with a parent. Even with my nieces and even with a couple friends she knows from church, Zoe struggles to have normal/real/healthy relationships with them right now.

God has used these observations to encourage me to keep on making attachment our number one focus right now. Even when I feel misunderstood by people who don't understand why our kids aren't in public school or why the girls don't read yet or why they don't have many friends yet. I feel like we are walking a road much less traveled, but I know it is the best path for our family right now.

Cornerstone's Adoptive Family Picnic

This past Sunday we had a first-ever, church-wide adoptive family picnic. Having these 18 FAMILIES all in one spot, with 29 ADOPTED KIDS (not to mention many bio kids) running around and playing joyfully, talking about 9 MORE KIDS COMING HOME SOON was an incredible blessing to say the least.

"Many, LORD my God, are the wonders you have done, the things you planned for us." 
Psalm 40:5 

Since not all the adoptive families could come, here are the church-wide adoptive numbers (as far as Jason and I have figured out):

27 adoptive families

43 adopted kids

13 kids on the way

Most of this adoptive activity has all happened in the past five years. 

God is on the MOVE!!

Overdue Update

I'm not sure why it has been so long since I've blogged. Perhaps because we started home school two weeks ago. Or perhaps because I'm actually (finally) exercising regularly early in the mornings so I've been going to bed around 9:00p every night. Or maybe because I have been taking lots of naps lately during rest time.

Here is the best way I know how to sum up life lately . . .

One day I feel like: What in the world am I doing parenting two near-teenagers (who are still working on attachment)?! This is IMPOSSIBLE. I have no idea what I am doing.

And then the next day: Getting to share God's truth with my girls (who can understand so much more now) is the BEST JOB IN THE WHOLE WORLD. I love this!

Back and forth. Back and forth.

And of course, there are the two boys. They have their fair amount of trouble, but they play so well together most of the time. Watching them play together or ride their red trikes together or dig in the dirt together is one of the biggest joys of my life right now.

Zoe had a really hard time accepting that she had to stay home for school. To quote the last blog post I did weeks ago, there was "screaming, kicking, hysterical hysterics" the week before we started school.  But it was more than just a "school" issue. It was very much a trusting mom and dad issue that she was struggling with. Trusting that we know what is best for. The fact that she is so mad about not getting to go to school shows where her heart is and it is not near us, it is not trusting us. She needs more time at home to heal and attach.God used that very difficult day three weeks ago to help her grieve and move forward and by the next day, she had her back pack on, eagerly asking me if we could go get the home school room ready. I was so thankful!

And by "home school," let me just tell you, it is very laid back "school" we are attempting here. Attachment and healing are still our number one priorities. The first few days of school both girls struggled with heart and attitude issues BIG TIME - which again is why they need to be home . . . so we can work on those heart issues that never got worked on when they were toddlers, then kindergartners, and all the other younger years we missed with them. Home schooling is providing some much needed structure in our mornings that is turning out to be SO GOOD for all of us. Overall, after two weeks, I would say home schooling is going well.

Some days life feels rather "normal." And then other days it seems as if my three African kids' past trauma is spilling out everywhere. By the end of this past Thursday, I felt worn to the bone by all the trauma responses . . . worn out by the constant attempts to control, worn out by the gigantic emotional episodes and worn out by the dead-pan, lifeless looks. By the grace of God, I am learning to come alongside them and patiently help them to learn how to use respectful words to express the big feelings they have inside of them, instead of using the unhealthy ways they used to survive. Lately, I feel like this is all I do. (Maybe this is why I have been taking more naps lately!) And I don't always do it with grace and patience. I fail a lot. But, God is working on my heart, just as He is working on theirs.

Some days I am so encouraged by how far all of my kids have come and other days it seems like my kids are not ever going to be fully healed and attached. Just this past week when I was discouraged about this, God gently reminded me that these are former orphans that we are caring for (I often forget because they are MY KIDS!). He is asking me simply to be faithful to care for them. And not worry about how their lives are going to turn out. That gives me much PEACE.

And then there are days like yesterday that I am filled with such joy at the little things. I stopped by the bread store close to my house and left the kids in the van while I ran in. When I came out of the store, the parking lot was filled with the loud sound of all four of my kids singing, 'Our God is Greater' at the top of their lungs through my van windows. It was an incredibly sweet sound that brought a huge smile to my face!

But, perhaps the sweetest moment YET in this whole adoption journey took place a few weeks ago. Claire and I were sitting on the deck, doing her nails. Through a series of conversations, we were talking about the details of her adoption. It was fun to talk about now that she can understand so much more. She asked me about the first picture we got of her so we looked at it on my computer. We were talking about how small she was and she said she was so small because she was sad and scared then. She was standing close to me and I had my arm around her shoulder as we looked at the picture of that very small, sad girl. She said, 'I was so sad inside, but nobody knew it.' Without hesitating (because the Holy Spirit pushed the words out of my mouth), I said, 'but Somebody DID KNOW that you were sad . . . didn't He?' She nodded her head in agreement and moved closer into me. I turned to her and put my hands on each of her shoulders. I looked her right in the eyes and said, 'God SAW you and He HEARD you (she told me earlier about something she prayed that God very clearly answered) and He RESCUED you. And He brought you into this family to heal your heart and help you know Him really well. He wants you to learn a lot in school and He wants to use your life to help others . . . . because you know what it is like to not have a mom and a dad.' Of course, by this point tears were filling my eyes. Getting to speak God's truth into my kids' lives is one of the greatest joys I have ever experienced.

So, let the roller coaster continue. The lows are low and the highs are high, but it is all WORTH IT . . . for the glory of God!

Dead On

Many of  you have probably heard of Jen Hatmaker or read her blog or books. The woman has a way with words to say the least! She just wrote a blog post called "The Truth about Adoption: One Year Later" about the stages her family went through the first year of adopting two older kids.

It is DEAD ON. Oh my! I didn't know whether to laugh or cry at all the things she said that hit the nail on the head for us. I did laugh and cry reading it because 90% of it is so true of our experience. I loved the way she ended writing about how God is enough for all of us in adoption. The truths she shared were so powerful.

Go on now . . . read her post here!

We Are a Different Family

It is a rare occasion that I can compare so overtly what our adopt-three-kids-at-one-time family is like now to what it was seven or eight months ago. It has been a slow and often tedious process. But, last Thursday night I got a glimpse of the difference between the earlier months and now.

After dinner we all walked to a park near our house. We haven't been to parks much in this summer due to the heat (and our great back yard). When we got to the park Thursday night with our soccer ball and volleyball and started playing in the open, grassy area, waves of memories flooded over me. I could not help but be transported back to all the times we went to that park as a family in the early months right after the kids came home - when we were all bundled up in winter coats.

PEOPLE! We were an incredibly different family at the park Thursday night than that family we took to the park many months ago in the cold weather. I mean A. REALLY. DIFFERENT. FAMILY.

It felt like we were family - you know, people who actually know each other really well. We laughed a lot, we called the kids by the nicknames we have for them and we were relaxed and just having fun with them -  not on guard every minute wondering what they were going to do, how they would react and needing to be super intentional about every interaction with them. We were an {almost} normal family at the park. We were not two parents with a toddler and three kids we loved deeply, but barely knew. Such a tangible "feeling" of difference in who we are as a family was a sweet blessing to experience last week. THANK YOU, JESUS!

A few people have asked me lately if my African kids feel like my kids now. It is a good question. I can say for sure that my feelings of my kids being my kids has definitely grown TREMENDOUSLY since they first came home. That I know for sure. While I've never parented a biological or adopted-at-birth 9 or 11 year old, I am fairly certain that it is still a little different. Not quite 100% "there" - whatever "there" is.

Claire is the most attached and probably feels most like my daughter at this current moment in time. With Zoe, it honestly depends on the week/day and whether or not RAD behaviors are rising to the surface or not. When RAD is present, it creates this unavoidable distance in our relationship. In order to love and parent the RAD, I have to disconnect emotionally from her (to some degree) to not take things personally and be able to parent her in the way she needs (providing consequences and firm boundaries for crazy/controlling behavior). If I didn't disconnect emotionally, I would react very poorly to her (read: get very angry). Disconnecting allows me to not let her crazy behavior affect me as much. So it is taking longer with her and that is okay. I still love her just as much as I love my other kids (and in some ways in a more special way because I have invested a lot of blood, sweat and tears in her life). Isaiah also still cycles through his disconnected times and in those times I do not feel the same toward him as I do Abram. But, like with Zoe, each time they cycle back around to a more emotionally healthier Isaiah or Zoe, my attachment and "feelings" toward them grow, too. So, yes, they feel like my kids, but it is still different . . . we are getting there and I am confident God will provide all the feelings of them being 100% my kids in His time.

Before the kids came home and I read about attachment and realized my kids might not feel like my kids for a long time, I'm sure it scared me to death. This is an often-asked question/fear when I talk to people who are interested in adopting. And it is a legitimate question, but not something to fear. I think the enemy loves to make us feel like it will be a miserable nightmare if our kids don't "feel" like our kids after we adopt them. It is simply not true. It is a lie from Satan. God's grace is sufficient and He gives us everything we need to joyfully love them - even if we don't have the feelings to go along with it. And it is selfish of us if we say "no" to adoption because we are afraid we can't love them like our other children or if we think they won't feel like "our" kids.

We love because Christ first loved us. (1 John 4:19)

As a relationship with our child(ren) grows over time, so do the feelings. God entrusts us with a life (or two or three) and asks us to lay down our lives and love them, no matter what our feelings toward them. It is not always easy (but neither is loving kids who completely feel like your own kids!), but the blessings of getting to experience the relationship with a newly adopted child grow is amazing. It is like sitting on the sidelines watching God work right in front of your face. I wouldn't trade that gift for anything.

Friends + Adoption + Your Old Stuff

Our good friends, Brian and Allie made an announcement on their blog yesterday. We might be a little bit excited that they are adopting two kids from the same country as our kids!

My friend, Maria, is having a garage sale this Saturday and all the money will go toward Brian and Allie's adoption. If you have stuff to get rid of and want to donate it to the garage sale, you can bring it to my house anytime this week (before Friday at noon) and I will take it to her. Email me or text me to let me know if you want to drop stuff off.

Maria is my good friend who, with her husband Bobby, have two boys from the same country as our kids - and our kids all lived together in foster care before they came home to each of our families. Bobby and Maria are half-way through the adoption process again, but this time to adopt two GIRLS from the same country as our and their kids.

I love what God is doing!

Hard to Say Goodbye

I realize I am quite fortunate in that I have never had a really good friend move away. 

But today, a really, really good friend is moving away . . . 

with her husband and two red-headed boys, back to her home country - THE SOUTH (Louisiana to be specific)! 

And while I am so excited for what God has in store for them, man, it is hard to see her go. 

Mandy, I have loved living these last ten years with you in my life as a close friend.

God has blessed my life through you and your friendship in more ways than I will ever know. 

I love you so much!

{Now, if I can just stop crying!}

Lots of Baseball

This past weekend there was baseball with Grandpa Tom in the play room . . . 

And baseball with Dad, Grandma Rhonda and Uncle (yes, all the kids just call him "uncle"!)

Birthday Pre-Party

This past weekend was the big July/August family birthday party celebration for Zoe, Claire and two of my sister's kids, Brady and Sydney. Jason's dad from Texas came Friday at noon, along with his mom and Grandma (who had not yet met our new kids). The actual birthday party was at our house on Saturday. But we started celebrating early at my sister's house the night before. 

All of the guys out on the deck at Kate's house.

The four girls came upstairs at one point having been playing "dress up." See the super cute red dress Claire is wearing?

Um, yeah . . . that is my sister's PROM DRESS!!! It fit nearly perfectly and looked ridiculously cute on Claire (so Kate let her bring it home for fun). Just add that - along with the fact that she and I basically share all of our clothes now - to the growing list of things I certainly did not anticipate experiencing with my daughter only nine months after she arrived. God's ways are so much higher than ours!

With the big birthday party weekend, Jason and I fully expected Zoe to struggle. And, it happened. Since Sunday we have had lots and lots of control and manipulation going on. And man! As much as I knew to expect it, I have such a hard time adjusting back to the mode of parenting needed for RAD behavior. I am so thankful for the four really good weeks we had in July. Wow, they were so wonderful. But, boy, they make the going back to RAD-parenting seem even harder. On Monday, I asked God if this could please be the last time we have to go backward before she is healed and attached. (While I know God can do anything, I know this is probably not realistic). I honestly didn't know if I could manage it much longer. I had such a hard time getting my heart to fully trust that God is in control - even when the behavior was so crazy and pushed every single last button I have.

Thankfully, by the grace of God, after three days, I am finally in the mental, emotional and spiritual place I need to be to effectively deal with the RAD behavior (because really the issues those three days were just as much with ME). Translated, this means I am completely helpless and need Jesus to help me every step of the way. It means I trust that God IS in control and I believe with my whole heart that He IS working everything I see with my eyes for our good and His glory. It means He WILL give me everything I need for life and godliness (i.e. parenting this behavior). It means I believe God is for me and that He is fighting this battle. It means I pray a lot more for my daughter's healing and attachment.

I am in my own attachment and trust dance with my Creator, have you noticed this? Self-sufficiency is one of my sinful tendencies and it creeps in ever so slightly, but grows and grows until God has to lovingly take away my control and help me trust Him fully again and depend on His Word alone. It is so similar to parenting my daughter.

Need Your Teeth Brushed?

Abram would be happy to help you out! 

 Last week he asked Claire if she would play "dentist" with him. 

She's such a good sport. And Isaiah is a good cup holder.

I completely laughed my head off when I went in the bathroom and saw this whole scene!

Reading

One of my current favorite things lately is watching - or just hearing - Abram "read." Hearing what he comes up with to retell the stories he has heard many times is just the cutest darn thing. 

And speaking of reading, I started back up teaching the girls to read a few weeks ago (after a faulty start at the beginning of the summer!). I started with Explode the Code and Zoe whizzed through the entire first book with little to no help from me! Claire struggled with it a lot. So, I am onto my third method in teaching Claire to read: "Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons." I think I will be sticking with this one. I think it is best suited to help her with her struggle to learn to read. I may actually use it with Zoe, too, to fill in any gaps she may have from teaching herself to read English. :)

A Great Summer Night

Last Wednesday night we had a crazy, crazy wind storm - that was not the great summer night! We lost power, got the kids out of bed and all huddled downstairs in our unfinished bathroom for about an hour. Not a great picture (taken in the dark with Jason's phone), but here are four of us in the shower. 

Claire was pretty scared. Abram couldn't stop talking the next day about how we were "hiding" downstairs in the bathroom.

Here is the view from our deck at Claire's party on Wednesday afternoon:

 And  . . . here was the same view Thursday morning:

Our apple tree (that was loaded with apples) went down and took three sections of our neighbor's fence with it. OOPS!

In all the tree-falling-down-excitement that morning, someone thought it would be fun to take my picture . . . in my p-pops, not yet having brushed my hair. Just keeping it real here!

Jason and my brother-in-law were able to cut up and remove our tree from the neighbors yard that night. 

Meanwhile the kids picked up all the sticks in the yard from the storm and then got to have ice cream sandwiches. I actually took this picture to send to Abram's Texas family because he is sporting his Texas Tech shirt from them.

And then it was time for the real fun to start . . . emptying the pool

And then cleaning the pool. Not a great picture of Zoe, but she goes to town helping Jason clean the pool whenever they clean it. 

The kids have loved eating the little, sour apples from our tree. I'm pretty sure this is the "Africa" in them and I love it! Sad to not have an apple tree anymore.

It was super fun to stay outside, working in the yard as a family as it was getting dark (and past the boys' bed times).

A little fire for our sticks.

Notice a sleepy someone in the background with his blanket as we were finishing up?

Due to the fire we made and the heat, a bath was in order, even though it was late.

Working hard, getting dirty, having fun, staying outside after dark . . . a great summer night as a family!

Lake Fun

Last Sunday we took off right after church and drove to Grey's Lake in Des Moines. We had our picnic there after the zoo several weeks ago and the kids have asked multiple times to go back to swim. We packed another picnic lunch and then swam and played and swam and played.

It was a super fun few hours!

Definitely My Daughters

A few weeks ago, on her own initiative, Zoe decided to play "garage sale." She even made cookies and cut fruit to sell . . . to the boys, of course. Claire doesn't always play these kinds of things with Zoe, but she got in on the action. 

I loved it! They are definitely MY DAUGHTERS!