Christmas

It was wonderful. Lots of family and friends to celebrate with us. This year we did not travel anywhere, but Jason's mom and her husband came and stayed with us and joined in the Hotze Christmas Craziness. My friend, Molly, also came.

Abram started it off by showing one of his new moves . . . the splits. The only picture of all five of them. Next year . . . EIGHT!

Abram got a garbage truck!

One of the first presents someone opened was in a big box of packing peanuts. Greysen and Abram were in heaven. They sat in that box and played for so long. Just yesterday my dad told me his favorite part of Christmas was "two boys in a box of peanuts." It was pretty cute.

Trying on Grey's fireman hat.The peanuts made for great things to load and dump with Abram's new diggers.Abram and Greysen went through a stage a few months ago where they usually only fought when they were together. Not any more. They are like two peas in a pod and follow each other around. They love to do what the other one is doing . . . such as hiding under the dessert table! Crazy Uncle wearing Greysen's fireman goggles!Brady and Uncle J

Jason's mom made the girls adorable hats! Yes, that would be my dad. Again, the goggles made an appearance. But not on the little boy who got them as a gift! Welcome to my family.

The siblings.

After we opened presents, my mom was bound and determined to go sledding. So, all the guys, the kids and mom went. Kate and I went later to "take pictures."

We did take pictures, but we also got in on the sledding action. It was SO FUN! I have not gone sledding for way over a decade. Even the little monkey went sledding . . . and liked it.Kate was H.I.L.A.R.I.O.U.S on her first ride down. She hit two unexpected bumps (going off the edge of the sand bunker -we were at the Huxley golf course) and looked like she was riding a horse, flapping her arms like they were holding reigns. And then she landed like this. Hysterical!

Uncle and Brady getting ready to go down.

Miss bundled-up-Mya Kate.

Sydney was too cold and back home by the time we go there. And Greysen was sleeping. We all decided sledding will definitely become an annual Christmas tradition (as long as there is snow!).

All-in-all, it was a wonderful Christmas!

His Name: A Christmas Poem

He lay in the straw, for he hadn’t a bed
No pillow on which to lay his precious head
He smelled of the livestock, and was covered in grime
There was no telling when he would bathe the next time

He was born in a world that didn’t want him around
And he ached with a hunger as he lay on the ground
He cried out in the night, but did anyone hear?
Did anyone care that he lived in such fear?

Men came to visit, they brought gifts from afar
They hailed him as great and they called him a star
For a few days they spent every moment with him
But they left just the same and weren’t heard from again

Who will he become as this boy starts to grow?
Will he rule a great kingdom, will great wealth he bestow?
He has so much love that he’s wanting to give
But no one will have him, he has no place to live


We know of this boy, we see where he stays
But we pay no attention, our own lives in a haze
We feel in our hearts a tug to take this boy in
But our favorite show’s on and the phone rings again

We get so caught up in our own pompous gains
That we fail to give back, we forget of God’s plans
Our lives are no greater than this boy or his friends
God created us all to be with Him in the end

During this Christmas season, don’t forget of this lad
He is cold and he’s lonely, and he yearns for a dad
His mother took off and he still feels the shame
But his legacy is love, and orphan is his name

Tony Stewart

All They Really Want for Christmas

Okay, I know this song is about five years old. But, clearly this song means a lot more this year. You should watch the video to listen to it. (I pasted the lyrics at the bottom of this post.) I was decorating cookies with my nieces most of the day yesterday and I made Mya keep repeating the CD this song is on. I've listened to it more than five times today. And of course I can't listen to this song without my eyes filling up with tears!

I have some more thoughts . . . but you need to watch/listen to the song first:

I love this song because it allows you to think about life - especially at Christmas - from the perspective of an orphan with no family.

Can you imagine what it would be like to long for a family? Can you imagine the pain of that kind of loneliness? Can you imagine wanting to ask someone to help you find a family but knowing it has never worked before?

I've realized lately that the reason I nearly bawl my eyes out any time I hear about the plight of orphans is not just that they are lonely and longing to belong to a family. It is not because they are hopeless.

The plight of orphans tears me apart because there IS a way for them to have a family.

The way is ADOPTION.

Yes, adoption is hard. Yes, adoption causes you to have to give up the comfortable picture you have of your family and fork out all the money you have (and don't have!). But, God loves to provide all that you need. He is waiting to come through. And He loves to provide JOY. There is so much joy in doing something that God cares deeply about - even though it is hard.

While I have already experienced a ton of joy (along with gigantic fears, too) in following God down the path of adoption in the past few months, yesterday I was caught up in a different kind of joy.

The joy of knowing that I get to be the MOM to three kids who, if asked, would only want one thing this Christmas . . . a family.

To be given the privilege by God to give three orphans what their little hearts long for is an inexpressible kind of joy. Granted, it is not the kind of joy that can sustain the trials that are to come (meaning, don't adopt just to get warm, fuzzy feelings). But, this joy is a gift that I am treasuring right now.

"All I Really Want For Christmas" Lyrics:
Well, I don't know if you remember me or not
I'm one of the kids they brought in from the home
I was the red-haired boy in an old, green flannel shirt
You may not have seen me, I was standing off alone

I didn't come and talk to you 'cause that's never worked before
And you'll probably never see this letter, anyway
But just in case there's something you can do to help me out
I'll ask you one more time

All I really want for Christmas is someone to tuck me in
A shoulder to cry on if I lose, shoulders to ride on if I win
There's so much I could ask for, but there's just one thing I need
All I really want for Christmas is a family

Well, I guess I should go ahead and tell you now
If it's really true about that list you have
Somehow I always seem to end up in a fight
But I'm really trying hard not to be bad

But maybe if I had a brother or a dad to wrestle with
Maybe they could teach me how to get along
And from everything I've heard, it sounds like the greatest gift on earth
Would be a mom

All I want for Christmas is someone who'll be here
To sing me happy birthday for the next 100 years
And It's okay if they're not perfect or even if they're a little broken
That's alright, 'Cause so am I

Well, I guess I should go, it's almost time for bed
Maybe next time I write you I'll be at home

'Cause all I really want for Christmas is someone to tuck me in
Tell me I'll never be alone, someone whose love will never end
Of all that I could ask for, well, there's just one thing I need
All I really want for Christmas is a family

Adoption Update

I thought I would post an adoption update to report where we are at and some of the things we learned while spending time with Sonja from MLJ this past weekend.

We have been waiting for our 171H document, which is the approval of our Application for Advance Processing of Orphan Petition (I-600A). I called to check on the status of it last week and just this morning. They couldn't find it this morning and said they would check on it. I was a little frustrated. But, guess what I found in my mailbox this afternoon? Our 171H approval! It states, "It has been determined (by the US govt.) that you are able to furnish proper care to an orphan(s)..." Yippee!

As soon as we receive the adoption papers from C-country, showing that all three of our kids have been legally adopted in their country, we can send in our next (and last, I think!) document. I've been told our in-country adoption papers should be arriving any day. Our next/last document to send in is the I-600, which is a petition to classify an orphan as an immediate relative.

So, here is my estimated current timeline: Send in our I-600 in 2 weeks + 6 weeks for the I-600 approval + 4 weeks (for two embassy appointments) = about 12 weeks until our kids come home!

When you break it down into 2 weeks, 6 weeks and 4 weeks, all of the sudden it sounds like our kids are coming soon! AHHHH!

People ask us a lot if we are excited. While we are definitely happy and grateful to be adopting three kids, "excited" isn't exactly the word that describes the feeling I have. Maybe it does for Jason, I'm not sure! Because we are adopting three kids, we are expecting it to be C.R.A.Z.Y and very difficult for awhile when they get here. While I am definitely looking forward to looking at our kids' faces and wrapping my arms around them and while I can't wait for them to finally have a family to belong to, I can't exactly say I am "excited" for the chaos that will inevitably ensue. Let's just say I'm enjoying the calm before the storm right now. (And I'm trying to finish Abram's baby book/adoption story before then, too!)

Our time with Sonja over the weekend was so great. All five of the families from Cornerstone who are adopting from MLJ had lunch with Sonja and sat around for two hours asking questions and hearing more about C-country, the process, the kids, etc. What a blessing! Sonja has met our girls and she told us how sweet they are. When she talked about how much the orphans dream of having a family to belong to, I started to lose it! We learned that MLJ has a social worker that meets with our girls once a week to help them process their being adopted. I love that they are doing that. She said we should get a report from the social worker right before they travel.

Someone asked what the kids eat. She said a lot of chicken and rice (whew! I can handle that), hot dogs and other fairly normal stuff. She said they aren't allowed to have much, if any, sugar in the foster homes. :) Sonja said the foster moms grow to love the kids a lot. She said the moms will love getting pictures of our kids once they are with us, so they can see them in their forever families. I have a new-found love and respect for our kids' foster moms.

Well, that is about the extent of what I remember from our time with Sonja. Getting to hear so many more details was like making the fuzzy picture I have in my head much more clear . . . and REAL.

10 Questions for Parents Preparing to Adopt or Foster

The following is from Empowered to Connect, which I've already mentioned is probably the single best resource to help parents who are adopting children internationally or fostering children.

We believe it is critically important that parents who are preparing to adopt or foster a child must be honest and realistic about the journey and the challenges that lie ahead. Just as Jesus in Luke 14 challenged those who would follow him to ‘count the cost,’ so too parents who respond to God’s call to adopt or foster must be willing to count the cost of the adoption journey and prepare to “lay down their lives” to love their child and help him or her become all that God intends.

The following questions are designed to help parents (and parents-to-be) begin to honestly assess the journey ahead…and what it will require. We encourage you to thoughtfully and prayerfully consider these questions. They are not meant to scare you or in any way discourage you from continuing on this amazing path. Instead, our desire is simply that these questions will point you toward the hope and help that you need to form a strong and lasting connection with your child as you faithfully follow God’s call in your life.

1. Are you willing to acknowledge and fully embrace your child’s history, including that which you know and that which you will likely never know?

2. Are you willing to accept that your child has been affected by his/her history, possibly in profound ways, and as a result that you will need to parent your child in a way that exhibits true compassion and promotes connection and healing?

3. Are you willing to parent differently than how you were parented, how you have parented in the past, or how your friends parent their children? Are you willing to “un-learn” certain parenting strategies and approaches that may not be effective with your child, even if you have used these strategies and approaches successfully with your other children in the past?

4. Are you willing to educate yourself, your parents, family and friends on an ongoing basis in order to promote understanding of your child’s needs and how best to meet those needs?

5. Are you willing to be misunderstood, criticized and even judged by others who do not understand your child’s history, the impacts of that history and how you have been called to love and connect with your child in order to help him/her heal and become all that God intends?

6. Are you prepared to advocate for your child’s needs, including at school, church, in extracurricular settings and otherwise, in order to create predictability and promote environments that enable your child to feel safe and allow him/her to succeed?

7. Are you willing to sacrifice your own convenience, expectations and desires in order to connect with your child and help him/her heal, even if that process is measured in years, not months?

8. Are you willing to fully embrace your child’s holistic needs, including his/her physical, emotional, relational and spiritual needs?

9. Are you willing to seek ongoing support and maintain long-term connections with others who understand your journey and the challenges that you face? Are you willing to intentionally seek and accept help when you encounter challenges with your child that you are not equipped to adequately deal with?

10. Are you willing to acknowledge that you as a parent bring a great deal to the equation when it comes to how your child will attach and connect? Are you willing to honestly examine (on an ongoing basis) your motivations and expectations relating to your adoption journey? Are you willing to look at your own past (including your past losses and trauma, both big and small) and consider how your past may impact your interactions with your child? Are you willing to consistently examine your role as parent as you experience challenges and difficulties along the journey?

As you read through the above questions, you may have concluded that some of the questions didn’t apply to you and your situation. That may be the case to some extent,as every adoption and foster care experience is unique. However, we encourage you to spend some time reading and talking with other experienced adoptive and foster parents about what you should realistically expect as you travel this journey. We find that parents sometimes start with less than accurate assumptions about how the adoption or foster care journey will unfold, and as a result they are more likely to form unrealistic expectations. We believe that these questions are helpful and instructive for all parents considering or pursuing adoption and foster care, and we hope that as you work through them they will lead you toward greater insight and understanding.

© 2010 Empowered To Connect

Don't Miss This Sunday!

I just want to post a reminder about the meeting with MLJ Adoptions C-country program director this Sunday, December 19th at 4:00p at the Cornerstone Church Cafe area.

This meeting is open to ANYONE . . . in Ames or outside of Ames, part of Cornerstone or not, thinking seriously about adoption, or just wanting to hear more.

This is seriously an AMAZING OPPORTUNITY! To be able to sit down and talk directly to a representative from a very reputable adoption agency - and in this case, the woman who established the C-country adoption program for the agency - and ask her anything, get more information, meet other families asking similar questions . . . incredibly valuable! In my experience, you usually have to go to these agencies to get this and they usually charge a fee. This is FREE and right here in Ames!

I hope to see you there!

Slumber Party

It had been way too long since we had a slumber party with the nieces and nephews, so that is what we did this past weekend.

And with Grammy in the house, you know there were crafts involved! Coloring ornaments was first. Even for the little guys.

I must say I loved this craft project because it is a good record of how big Abram's foot and hands are at this age. I'm definitely keeping Abram's reindeer! Here is Greysen showing off his.

Snitching mini marshmallows!

Our slumber party staple is malts. Uncle Jason got a little carried away with the squirty whipped cream . . . straight in the mouth!

Abram and his malt.

After Abram went to bed, we watched the new Karate Kid movie. It was so good, but Aunt Nen couldn't make it through the movie and was the next to bed.

Hot chocolate in the morning.

We just so happened to get our first snow of the year the night the kids spent the night. The little boys were in HEAVEN watching the snow plow in the morning!

One last group shot before they went home. It was definitely a good taste of what it is to come this Spring when our house is filled with three more little people permanently.

And lastly, the little monkey all bundled up for the snow. He puts up with his gloves because they have soccer balls on them.

Adoption Program Director Coming to Ames

I've mentioned before that we are adopting through MLJ Adoptions, out of Indianapolis, IN. Sonja Brown, the country director for the country we are adopting from, is flying to Ames on Sunday, December 19th. Her purpose is twofold:

1) Meet with the families who are already in the adoption process - since there are several right here in one place!

2) Meet with families who are interested in knowing more about adopting from C-country in Africa. She will be having a roundtable discussion to give info, answer your questions, etc. Here are the details:

Sunday, December 19th

4:00p

Cornerstone Church Cafe area

This meeting is open to ANYONE . . . in Ames or outside of Ames, part of Cornerstone or not, thinking seriously about adoption, or just wanting to hear more.

Please join us and spread the word to let others know about this great opportunity.

CBS Evening News video about Adoption

You have to watch this VIDEO (please bear with the inital comercial). It is from the CBS Evening News recently about a family who have adopted orphans with HIV. So cool!

Adoption & Orphan Care Meeting Handout

I thought I would post one of the handouts from the Adoption & Orphan Care meeting we organized this past Sunday. Feel free to implement one or more of these actions or use these ideas in your own church. Adopting and/or fostering kids is not the only way you can care for orphans (although I will mention it is the only way to eliminate the orphan crisis in our world!).

"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."
James 1:27

ORPHAN CARE ACTIONS

1. PRAY for families adopting. PRAY for the orphans they are adopting.
“ADOPTION IS NOT CHARITY, IT IS WAR.” (Adopted for Life, Moore)
- Email pray.families.adopting@gmail.com to be on a prayer team for one or more families adopting orphans. Families will send out prayer updates regularly.

2. GIVE money to families adopting.
- Give to a specific family or give to the Cornerstone general fund, knowing that some of it goes to help support adoption. (Cornerstone gives grants to families adopting.)
- Plan a fundraiser for one or more families.

3. SUPPORT families adopting or fostering children.
- Hand down used clothes, shoes, books, games, toys, car seats, etc. See the "Needs" tab of the D6 Families Interchange page (Cornerstone's online community)
- Provide meals
- Give gift cards for groceries, clothes, etc. once the kids arrive.
- Make a habit of asking families what they need when you see them (before and after child(ren) arrive).

4. VISIT orphans and orphan workers.

5. JOIN Adoption & Orphan Care group on Cornerstone's Interchange website.

6. TALK to a family who has adopted or is in the process of adopting.

7. READ Adopted for Life by Russell Moore.
- Or read any of the following: Crazy Love, Forgotten God (Chan), Radical (Platt), The Hole in Our Gospel (Sterns)

8. FOSTER one or more children.
- Call 1.800.243.0756 and get an info packet mailed to you
- Attend info session Monday, Dec. 6
- Attend 10-week class to be trained beginning Feb. 15 in Ames

9. HOST a Rosebud student (providing hope for an underprivileged Native-American teen for a year or more)
- Email Roger Wheeler: rogw@iowatelecom.net

10. ADOPT one or more children.
- Meet with Sonja Brown, MLJ Adoptions C-country Program Director, on Sunday, December 19th at 4:00p at the Cornerstone Café. (Yes, that's right . . . she is flying in from Indianapolis!)

I spent the majority of the time talking in-depth about adoption, including how to finance an adoption.

What's In a Name?

A Family

I read a great article in the Des Moines Register yesterday about a girl named Sam who was just adopted at age 19. It is such a cool story (that of course made me cry)!

I actually know Sam. The foster family she lived with in Ames is friends of ours and go to Cornerstone. They are the family she mentioned in the story that taught her a love for God.

This story just reinforces my last blog post about BELONGING. Every child - even a young adult - longs to belong to a family.

Enjoy reading the article .

They Belong to Us

I've been meaning to share some of the processing I've had to do to wrap my heart around the fact that there are two girls in Africa who are my daughters. I think it is important to share because one great fear I know a lot of people have is that they won't love an adopted child like their biological children. Of course I don't have a biological child, but I have no doubt that I don't love Abram any less than a mom loves her biological children. :)

International adoption is different. You are all of the sudden shown a picture of child a million miles away and you have to decide if he or she will become your son or daughter. In theory, it sounds like a wonderful, glorious moment . . . the day you finally see a picture of your child. In my experience, however, it is a heavy, daunting feeling.

When I first saw our girls' pictures, I felt SCARED. TO. DEATH. I was scared of how emotionally wounded they might be. I was scared if they would love me as their mom or not. I was scared if I would love them as my daughters. Will they ever attach to me? I think a lot of this had to do with the fact that they were 5 1/2 (actually 7 now)and six years old and not the cute, snuggly little 3-4 year olds I was expecting. I didn’t get those warm, fuzzy feelings you get when you look at cute little African orphan babies in a slideshow.

Another thing happened as soon as we accepted the referrals of our "older" girls, almost three months ago. I became very aware of my niece Sydney's little 4-year old world. I noticed how much of life she comprehended, her language, her affection and all of her 4-year old cuteness. It made me ponder how long it would take our girls - 7 and 6 years old - to catch up with all that she understood of the world around her. It overwhelmed me at times.

During the time of my heightened 4-year old awareness, I spent a weekend away with Sydney (and Mya, Kate and mom). For two to three days after that trip, I was depressed. I was so incredibly sad for all of the 4-year old crawl-up-on-your-lap cuteness that I will have missed out on in my girls lives. I did a lot of crying, grieving those losses.

But, grief is a gift from God. He gives us the tool of grief to move from one place in our heart to another, new place in our heart. I am so thankful for grief (though it is no fun at all to go through). During this short time of grieving, I read the following from Oswald Chambers (My Utmost for His Highest, Sept. 25):

“Our Lord's making of a disciple is supernatural. He does not build on any natural capacity of ours at all. God does not ask us to do the things that are naturally easy for us - He only asks us to do the things that we are perfectly fit to do through His grace, and that is where the cross we must bear will always come.”

I also read: "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment." (1 John 4:18)

And finally: ". . . in quietness and trust will be your strength" (Isaiah 30:15)

My heart was (and often still is) overwhelmed at the thought of bringing in these two older girls who have had significant neglect and trauma in their short little lives. But, God's truth spoke peace into my weary heart. My strength and ability to love and help these girls rests solely on God. There is a sweet freedom and joy in this place.

Sure enough by the next week I felt the beginnings of love for my daughters. Making a photo album for them helped. Buying shorts and shirts and underwear for them helped. But, it has been a process . . . a process that involved a lot of tears while crying out to God during worship at church for about four weeks in a row, asking Him to do what seemed impossible from my point of view. Jesus has been faithful and He has grown a fierce love inside me for my girls.

Just this past week, we received new pictures of all three kids. The girls were wearing the clothes and flip flops we sent and holding the baby dolls we sent. And they looked SO DIFFERENT from their first pictures in the orphanage. I honestly thought they sent me the wrong pictures of my girls. 10 weeks in a foster home, receiving love, nurture and better nutrition has made a huge difference. Not to mention the knowledge that they are no longer orphans. Our social worker said the girls were smiling because they know we are adopting them.

In one of the pictures we received, our six year old daughter was holding the photo album we sent with a picture of Jason, Abram and I on the cover. The look on her face is so cute. You can tell she is happy, almost proud, to be showing a picture of her family. Just three months ago they were orphans with no hope, no family, no one to love them as their own. And you could see it on their sad, empty faces in their first pictures. They now not only have hope, but a family.

In the most recent pictures, both girls are wearing a nametag that says LEE, _ _ _ _ _ (first name). They finally BELONG to someone. They BELONG to the Lee's.

They belong to us.

Say Yes!

If you were at Cornerstone this past weekend, you saw this video. If not, you have to watch it. These kids are the voice of the 140 million orphans in the world.

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. James 1:27

It is overwhelming and often confusing to know how to start helping orphans in their distress.

Come to Cornerstone tomorrow, Sunday, Nov. 21st, at 10:30am in The Box to learn how you can take steps toward caring for orphans in their distress. Yes, adoption and foster care are a big part of answer, but there are also many other things you can do.

Hope to see you there!

Wounds

A new friend of mine who is battling the difficult journey of infertility recently asked me if the grief of infertility still affects my life. While it is not something I currently struggle with, the wounds of infertility never entirely go away.

But, I am grateful for that. Because many days, if not every day, I still look at Abram through the lens - created by the wounds, I am sure - of what it was like to not have a child. And it makes me so incredibly aware of what a gift he is and what a gift it is to be a full-time mom.

Lately when I see all the fun and adorable things Abram does as an 18 month old, I have been thinking about how these are things I dreamed of - and had to grieve - three and four years ago. When you are in the dark valley of infertility it isn't just a newborn baby you long for and dream of.

It is THIS:

And THIS:Watching the garbage trucks drive by 5-6 times every Monday morning.

And THIS:Driving his sippy cup in his dump truck!

And THIS:

Taking everything he can reach out of the refrigerator while I made dinner.

And then climbing all the way in the frig!

And lastly, THIS:

A sweet, sleeping baby boy.

GOD IS FAITHFUL!

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3

Here's a Way to Care for Orphans

Help our friends, Jason & Jess Crawford bring home two orphans from Africa (same country as us!). Attend their fundraiser THIS Sunday:

Christmas Shopping with a Cause
Sunday November 21st, 3-6pm
Coldwater Golf Links
615 South 16th
Ames, IA

Find out more details on their blog.

Can't attend the fundraiser? How about just giving them money? They are relying on God for 100% of the funds they need to adopt. They are only able to move forward in the adoption process as God provides money for them.

And here is something to think about . . .

If you've ever thought, "I would like to adopt, but we don't have any/enough money," then think again! The Crawfords are in the same boat. And they are stepping forward in faith and obedience, trusting God to provide every last dollar they need. You can read about their journey here. God has already begun providing in some awesome ways.

It is Orphan Awareness & Adoption Month

I can hardly stand to even look at this picture. It tears my heart apart.

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. James 1:27

If you live near Ames, you should come to Cornerstone (Equipping Room) this Wednesday night at 6:30p to hear a few families share about their experiences caring for orphans. It will be a great opportunity to think about how you can care for orphans.

If you can't come, ask God how He would have you begin to care for orphans in their distress. Maybe it is by praying for a family that is adopting or doing foster care . . . giving money to a family that is adopting . . . giving a grocery gift card to a family who has already adopted or is doing foster care. . . taking a meal to a family who has adopted or is fostering.

We all can do something to care for orphans. Now is a great time to start!

Tools, Resources & Goals for Foster & Adoptive Families

Below is the fourth post in the series I mentioned in my last post about being a foster parent. I thought his insights and resources are just as relevant to adoptive families (adopting children from hard places) as foster families.

By the way, here is a tip if you are a family wanting to gather resources to prepare to adopt a child(ren) from hard places. I know how overwhelming it can be to see a resource mentioned but not know what to do with it because you are not ready to read it right now. Anytime I come across something I think will be helpful I put it in my "Read for C-country" email folder. Even if I come across something that is not in an email, I copy and paste it into an email (like the title of a book) and still file it in the same place. That way when I get ready to start reading, I can go to the one place and choose what to read next. Just a little tip from the organizer part of my brain!

Tools, Resources, & Goals for Foster Families - Part IV

As a follow up to the first 3 blogs about fostering today’s abused, neglected, and abandoned kids, I want to share a few tools and goals that have made this one of the best decisions we have made. As I previously stated, it isn’t easy, but if you understand the greater mission and purpose this opportunity gives us, the rewards are tremendous.

Our greatest support comes from our licensing agency. Choose wisely, ask lots of questions (for instance, do their standards of care exceed the state’s requirements?). We use Christian Family Care.

It's important to understand what these kids have missed and what they need. We take for granted a few simple things about childhood. Imagine the countless hours of face-time healthy babies are given, the innumerable times a baby drops something on the floor only to have it re-appear in his her mother’s hand, the myriad of sounds and expressions exchanged by a baby and a parent. Kids that are abused, neglected, and abandoned miss out on all of that.

It came home for us when our son joined our family at 3 ½ years old (literally). Immediately noticeable was his undeveloped speech. A lot of kids that come from hard places suffer the same delayed-speech. There are many scientific reasons behind this but one of the main reasons is that he simply missed out on the noise making that naturally happens from birth to early childhood. As he settled in his first night, I sat him down on my lap to read him stories and after the second page he got up and walked away. It eventually became evident that he had never had a book read to him before. The book was about farm animals and we were joined by our youngest son who was 15 months old at the time. At 15 months, he could make the sounds of most everyday animals. Our new foster son didn’t know any of them. Other struggles for him were the inability to look people in the eyes and being too clingy and affectionate with everyone (friends and strangers). Most of these issues are diagnosed or explained as Attachment Disorder. Click on the hyperlink to read the in-depth Wikipedia entry. The short explanation is that it happens in the first 3 years of life when a child has a need and that need is not met or inconsistently met. Attachment Disorder effects psyche and brain chemistry.

One of the greatest resources to learn about what every child needs is Tim Kimmel’s Grace Based Parenting. Tim explains that every child needs a secure love, a significant purpose, and a strong hope. These kids have been deprived of all 3 and our goal as foster parents is to purposefully build these needs into each child’s heart. Purposeful means that you can’t trust that taking over the parenting of a child at 3 ½ and treating them like nothing happened in the past will work. My son loves to be held. No, he actually craves to be held. He’s a healthy 8 years old and he still asks for “uppy.” I carry him around, in front, on my back, on my shoulders. It doesn’t matter how much he weighs, he needs to connect with me, attach to me, and have distinct face-to-face time with me. We are building into him a secure love that he will take with him for the rest of his life. That is, he will always know that he is lovable and that someone loved him.

Another great tool is the Kids Flag Page. Based roughly off of the DISC profile, this resource gives you the “heads up” on how your new foster child is hardwired, what makes him special, and why he may be unique in your family dynamic. It will help you learn the best ways to connect and correct your child. For instance, let’s say that you and your spouse are paced a little slower and lean more towards the methodical. You are getting ready to leave for church so you excuse your foster daughter from the breakfast table and tell her to go upstairs, brush her teeth, comb her hair, put on her shoes, get her bible, and get to the car. You get busy getting yourself ready and are soon in the car waiting. Exasperated, you go back inside, head upstairs, and find her sprawled out in the hallway in front of her bible coloring the unfinished handout from last week’s Sunday school. Based upon your profile, this is disobedience and needs to be punished. After all, your own kids were all able to get ready for church. The problem is, your foster daughter is not hard-wired like you or them. She is from “Fun Country”, easily distracted and has a hard time remembering the laundry list of tasks assigned to her. The Kids Flag Page will help you interact with different kids that have different styles.

Finally, Dr. Karyn Purvis and Dr. David Cross are the world’s leading authorities on attachment issues. Their book, The Connected Child, is must read for all foster and adoptive families. You can find out more about Drs. Purvis and Cross at their website: http://www.child.tcu.edu/.

My wife and I have a simple goal as foster parents: that each child in our home, no matter how long they are there, will experience a loving relationship that will stay with them forever. My vision is that when I end up in eternity and am strolling along the streets of gold, a stranger will approach me with a strong embrace and say, “You were my foster dad! You are the reason I’m here!”
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Peter Bartolini is a member of Family Matters’ board of directors and is part of our Speaker Team. He and his wife Julie have been foster parents since 2004. They have 3 children, Natalie- age 9, Morgan- age 8 and Sammy- age 6. They currently have the blessing of an 11 month old foster care placement living in their home and bringing them joy daily. Since they became foster parents, they have had 19 foster kids in their home and look forward to many more! Peter blogs at http://peterbarto.wordpress.com/.

Being a Foster Parent

A friend told me about an awesome series of posts on being a foster parent at the Family Matters Blog. I am posting Part I on my blog because it is fantastic! I especially love that he addresses the biggest fear people have with the idea of foster parenting.

Why I am a Foster Dad - Part I

James 1:27 tells us that “Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction….” It really is that simple. In the context of James’ letter, he was encouraging those who follow Jesus to be followers of action, Jesus’ actions: “But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks intently at his natural face in a mirror. For he looks at himself and goes away and at once forgets what he was like. But the one who looks into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and perseveres, being no hearer who forgets but a doer who acts, he will be blessed in his doing” (verses 22-25). So I had to ask myself, what does it mean for me to “visit the orphan in their affliction.” To obey this, not everyone is supposed to become a foster parent, but everyone is supposed to have a part to play in taking care of our community’s orphans. For my wife and me, we already had the tools, we saw the need, and we already weren’t sleeping through the night, so it has been an easy transition to bring these special kids into our home, our family, and our hearts.

Moreover, when I read Matthew 25, and Jesus explains what the final judgment will be like, he summarizes our earthly actions by saying that what we did to “the least of these” – those we saw in need – we did to Him. I have to ask myself who, in my life, was the least of these. The answer was the 10,000 children in Arizona who are abused, abandoned, and neglected.

There are a lot of responses and excuses people tell me about why they can’t be a foster parent. The number one excuse I hear is that it will be too painful to let them go. I understand that. It’s true. But if you run that through the filter of Jesus’ Gospel, run that excuse parallel to Jesus’ own words: “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me” (Matt 16:24). Jesus picked up His cross for us, he bore the pain of death and the punishment caused by our sins. Can I bear the pain of falling in love with a child and letting him or her go? One thing I glean from the gospels is that Jesus didn’t live a life for Himself – it wasn’t about Him. In the same way, we aren’t bringing these kids into our home for us, we do it for them. Simply put, it isn’t about you or the pain you will feel, it’s about these kids.

The reality is that someone needs to become a mom and dad to our community’s orphans. I wonder why there aren’t more Christ followers operating within the foster care system. Why not us? Why not you? There is pain, it’s trying at times, but there are many blessings that we receive. We have been fostering kids for the past 6 years and have had 19 kids in our homes. Some of them stay a few days, some a few months, and one of them has become a permanent part of our family. There are more great times than there are tough times, although the tough times have been hard. Those are the times when you really have to dig deep and see the face of Jesus in these kids, seeing that you are doing this unto Him and not the crying, screaming child that is carrying around more pain than a child should carry. Following Christ isn’t easy, but He’s good. God smiles on me at the right moments.
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Peter Bartolini is a member of Family Matters’ board of directors and is part of our Speaker Team. He and his wife Julie have been foster parents since 2004. They have 3 children, Natalie- age 9, Morgan- age 8 and Sammy- age 6. They currently have the blessing of an 11 month old foster care placement living in their home and bringing them joy daily. Since they became foster parents, they have had 19 foster kids in their home and look forward to many more! Peter blogs at http://peterbarto.wordpress.com/.

Abram's 1st World Series

I couldn't let the moment pass by without capturing it. We let him watch part of the last game of the series with us. We were sad the Rangers lost.

When Abram saw the baseball game on TV for the first time, he walked all over the room swinging his bat with one hand, trying to do what he saw. It was so funny.

Much to many people's disbelief, Jason is not a big baseball fan and never follows what is going on in the season. But, he does enjoy watching the World Series (espeically if the St. Louis Cardinals are playing!). I've never watched a Major League Baseball game and not heard Jason say he "played against that guy" or "played with guy." That is the fun part for me.

Halloween Fun

Just had to post a few quick pics of the Lee.Ehresman Halloween festivities.

Jason carved the "A" pumpkin. Here they all are!

Little Miss Pirate Girl

My sister, in all her creative genius, made the girls' costumes. She designed Mya's out of clothes Mya already had and a couple things from Goodwill.

Little Miss OwlSydney's owl costume takes the cake! Kate cut tall triangles out of old shirts the girls had and then glue gunned them onto a shirt for Sydney (she wore a long sleeve black shirt under it for trick or treating) in the pattern you see. And she cut and attached pink foam onto a pair of sunglasses for the eyes. Seriously too cute!

The little boys dressed in borrowed costumes from my neighbor. Abram loved wearing his costume (believe it or not!).