The Swampland of Trauma and Grief

Time for a quarterly report. :)

We are just emerging from a three-month-long (Feb-April) journey trudging through the swampland of trauma and grief with our most attachment-challenged child. Deep, deep, painful waters. But, very necessary for her healing. From my own journey through the grief of infertility, I remember learning that grief is God's gift to help us get from one place in our heart to another.

Shortly after my RADish wrote me her first ever love note, she told Jason and I her entire. life. history. for three hours one early February Sunday afternoon. Amazing evidence of her trusting us enough to entrust us with her life story, but oh, so vulnerable . . . which then led to three months of nearly daily rage, turned to grief (MAD covers SAD). Early on in these three months, God helped me to see that my sweet girl was profoundly sad (behind all that mad, controlling behavior), so I changed my approach to empathy and God used that empathy in the midst of her mad, mad, mad to begin really reaching her heart. God is so good to gently lead and guide us in the way we should go.

Sometime in March, I started a blog post (never posted) that describes part of the three-month swampland!

I don't ever want to forget the pain and agony it is for a child to have to learn to trust again. To learn to love again. I don't want to forget the torment of a child entangled by the evil and oppression of abandonment and rejection.

I don't want to ever forget what it is like to have my child entrust her entire life history to us. While I'd like to forget, I don't want to forget the utter horrendousness from which God has rescued her. I don't want to forget laying on the couch because I could not function after hearing it all, but hearing Jesus whisper to me, "I know. I know."  I don't want to forget the encouragement it was to realize she trusted us enough to tell us. I don't want to forget what it was like to really SEE her and KNOW her and how that has helped me love her better. I don't want to forget that I think she is the bravest girl I have ever known in my life. 

I don't want to forget what it is like to see her twirl around in my living room, realizing she is already a shining display of God's mercy and love, even though her road to full healing is still quite a long ways off. I don't want to ever forget knowing clearly - after hearing her full history - that our God carried my sweet girl every single day of her life. He rescued her from unbelievable oppression and evil.  I don't want to forget how this knowledge spurred me on to keep enduring the very difficult days.

I don't want to forget God's "incomparably great power" (Ephesians 1:19) that can transform a child from darkness to light - often on a daily basis. I don't want to forget what it is like to walk by faith, trusting God is working and healing, even though what my eyes see looks absolutely opposite: Desolate. Hopeless. I don't want to forget how thankful I am for the Holy Spirit who gently guides me to know what to do and when to do it as her mom when I ask Him for wisdom.

I believe that we are in the middle of some major progress towards healing and attachment with our child. But, it has been rough - to say the least. I don't ever want to take for granted all that she and we have been through when things are going smoothly again. Because I don't want to ever forget what an unbelievable miracle it is for this child to have survived such abandonment and rejection and be able - through God's mercy and power - to begin to trust again. 

I don't want to ever forget the sweetest blessing and relief to my own soul to spend hours rocking my baby girl, with her head buried deeply into my chest, learning to trust like a newborn baby.

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“Grief is not something to be fixed. It is something to be borne, together.” (Melton)

My sweet girl and I . . . we have been bearing up under her grief . . . together. What does a child need most when she is very, very sad? A mommy to comfort her, snuggle her close and hold her tight, carry her, rub her back and pray for her . . . often for hours in a day. All of the grief of the past three months has produced the fruit of a stronger-than-ever attachment growing between her and I because I have spent so much time comforting her. And more importantly, she has let me. So painful, but so beautiful.

I so badly want to do something to remove the painful, shattered pieces from my daughter's heart. Instead, God wants me to go to the depths with her in her grief, comfort her and speak Jesus's truth to her broken heart. He is near to the broken-hearted. He is her Healer. He is her Redeemer. He is her Savior. He is right now taking the broken, painful, yucky, owie (the way I pray it with her) pieces of her life and He is making something beautiful out of it.

This is my hope. My God is able and I believe He will continue healing her.

{Somewhere along the way, Abram turned four, Isaiah jumped on a bike and rode it without training wheels the first time and my oldest girl has become an awesome, mature helper to this mamma!}

Go Read This: Mine

It has been a very tough week for us. This blog post sums it up quite perfectly: Mine.

My Heart . . . In Other's Words

I have read two different blog posts in the past 24 hours that put into words nearly exactly what is going on in my world lately. I couldn't help but share them in case they could encourage others, too. The weight of the "tension" my daughter carries and all of the "not yets" are threatening to pull me under lately. I'm so thankful to be living as an adoptive mother in 2013 where other adoptive moms can mentor me from afar via the internet and be used of God to help me know how to keep on going. 

From Owlhaven:

Adopted children constantly live in the tension between the happiness of the adoptive-parent side of the story and the sadness that led them to be relinquished in the first place.  We as adoptive parents need to be aware of the tension that causes the child.  They’re carrying a lot.  The human body can’t hold it all.  It will be expressed somehow.


From Every Bitter Thing is Sweet (this post is word-for-word, in better words, what is going on in my heart at this moment):

And here she is again. Another of my days at risk of being absorbed into this vortex, I moan under my breath, feeling the weight of what’s not yet healed in her and all of its uncertainty.
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Their not yet isn’t a time to be tolerated, but one to be cherished. He is training your eyes to see Him and your heart to receive Him, right here in the utter weakness that threatens to reek of failure.

And if you can find Him here, His love just might pull a total-life takeover.

Praying for God to help me find Him in all of the "not yets" and "tension" that is carried around and frequently spills over. 

The Boys

I haven't taken many pictures since Christmas, but I just downloaded what I have and thought I'd share what the boys have been up to lately. Having two boys six months apart continues to be one of my favorite things in life! Sure, they have their share of fighting and not sharing, but their friendship and playing together definitely WAY outweigh their spatting.

 Two little boys in sweatshirts and vests and hats with shovels is an all-time favorite of mine.

They love to use my decorative jars as drums. The lampshade and glass jar on the shelf are also part of their drum set. Normally, I wouldn't let them bang on decorations like that, but look at him? It is one of the cutest/fun things they do, so I have let it go!

I guess another thing I have let go . . . the glider rocker that gets turned into a rocket ship, boat, house and in this case . . . a teeter-totter. The chair is a hand-me-down from my sister. It outlived her rocking her four babies and I currently use it to rock my three non-babies. It has had a good, long life so why not use it as a teeter-totter!

Not sure what this is.

They love to help in the kitchen, of course.

Not sure what was going on this day. I think they were playing "office" with Zoe because Abram has an ink pen attached to the collar of his shirt. They were also probably playing "hotel" since they have shorts on. They love to pack up their bags in their room and take it to the back room to their "hotel" (a tent they've made out of the table).

Riding horses 

(The bungee cords we gave them for Christmas get a lot of use!)

Baseball in the front room with dad. Why not?

 Lots of "Narnia" goes on with the shields and swords. And the goggles, of course!

Love them!

Go Read This: On Raising Gracious Kids

Not even an hour ago as I was rocking one of my boys before nap time (have I mentioned I am squeezing every last ounce of "baby" out of both of them!?), I was praying and telling Jesus that if anything remotely good ever comes out of my parenting these kids it will be ONLY because of Him...ONLY because of His grace and mercy. The task seems so impossible lately.

And then I just read this blog post from Life{in}Grace. Wow. It hits me smack-dab right where I am. Definitely one of the best things I've read on parenting as Christ-follower. I started thinking about the people I should send it to and the list kept getting longer so I decided I better just put the link on my blog!

Go read it!

A Mountain Range + A Second Chance

I'm not sure whether to laugh at myself or cry thinking about the fact that I thought we were on the other side of the steep mountain of parenting a child with RAD (reactive attachment disorder) three weeks ago! Perhaps we did reach the other side of the first mountain. We are now embarking on the second mountain in the mountain range of loving and parenting a child with attachment challenges.

Our RADish had another ginormous rage this week. There wasn't much reconciliation at the end and she woke up not doing well at all. I seriously felt like we were back at the beginning, her behavior very similar to a year ago. Part of me couldn't believe it.

But, I simultaneously remembered what my friend and mentor, Jen Summers, has told me many times: as children with RAD heal and attach, the difficult behavior is very cyclical and will circle around and around, the circles getting wider and wider as the child heals and attaches (which means the really difficult behavior will come around less and less). I thought we had seen this to some extent, but now I really get it. She came as emotionally close as she ever, ever has at the beginning of February (telling me on paper for the first time how much she loved me). And in less than two weeks she has circled all the way back. I don't know the exact attachment terms to use, but basically it was very scary for her to be that vulnerable with us and show us she loved us (one hallmark trait of attachment disorder is not being able to give or receive love and affection...her showing me love like that was a HUGE step for her). She needs more time to test if we are really going to be trustworthy and not leave her or hurt her or stop loving her. So, up the mountain we will keep climbing. At first I was pretty discouraged by this . . . or maybe just completely worn out from the battery of manipulation and opposition that we haven't seen so intensely for so long. But then God allowed me to see what a gift of grace this "going back to the beginning" is . . . its a second chance.

First of all, though earlier this week reminded me a lot of last year, it really is vastly different. She reconnects with us MUCH quicker after testing us. There is a good amount of attachment in place that she can come back to. HALLELUJAH! She lets me hug her, look her in the eyes and she practically asks to be rocked, carried and held in between all the crazy behavior. In fact, I have carried my sweet girl (who is getting to be about the same size as me!) on my hip like a toddler more times than I can count in the past two weeks. She asks for it, nearly jumping up on me, and she loves it.

Sidenote: God created our brains to develop sequentially. So if a child missed a development stage in her first three years because of the lack of a loving, primary caretaker meeting her need(s), she needs to go back and have that need met before her brain can move forward in development (otherwise the child will remain stuck). Do you know how much you hold and bounce a baby/toddler up and down in your arms and on your hip? A TON, right?! The closeness of being held tight and the up and down bouncing movement are two of many normal things you do as a mom that develop your baby/toddler's brain . . . and you don't even realize at the time - you are just being a mom. Isn't that SO interesting??!! I have LOVED learning about how God created the brain to develop and then how trauma affects the brain. The effects of trauma on the brain have devastating effects (ie RAD), but God, in His grace, created our brains to be able to heal from trauma. (This is a big part of why we haven't focused much on school since the kids have been home, but have given them tons and tons of time to relive their early preschool years of playing. Playing also develops the brain.) Okay, enough of my tangent!

Going back to the beginning in some senses with our RADish is a gift because as I have learned more and more about parenting a child with RAD, I thought many times how I wish I could have a do-over. A second chance to do a better job. The learning curve is SO INCREDIBLY STEEP. And boy, OH BOY, did we ever falter our way through this last year, trying to provide firm boundaries for crazy, crazy control and manipulation and trying to provide strong nurture, even though she acted like she didn't want it. As my confidence grew in providing firm boundaries and nurture, as I learned to not fear her fits and as we began to see her doing better, many times I thought, "now that we actually have a clue how to parent this stuff, she is doing much better and we don't need to use it."

Well, we need to use it now. Even though it is only one year's worth of experience and we still have a ton to learn, parenting difficult RAD behavior with one year of experience is a HUGE GIFT compared to parenting RAD behavior having no experience like the first time around. Equally as helpful is the gift God gave me in conquering fear in my heart. Since I no longer fear any of her antics in response to me saying no or providing a firm boundary, I/we are tightening up the boundaries even more, saying, "no," 100 times a day, as she badgers and schemes for one more thing.

My friend Jen has told me from the beginning that kids from hard places need very HIGH STRUCTURE (firm boundaries) and very HIGH NURTURE (physical affection, soft eye contact, rocking, calm joyful words, etc.). {Also, part of the structure and nurture is not getting ruffled by your RADish attempts to control and manipulate. Without Jesus, this would be impossible for me!} After more than a year of attempting to do all of this, I feel like I am just now finally understanding just how firm firm boundaries need to be. Alongside giving her as much physical affection as possible my job is to be the absolutely unshakable, unmovable authority in her life, along with Jason, of course (which is really what every child needs, it is just often harder with a RADish child). Even though she pushes so hard against it, our unwavering authority - along with God's truth, power and love - is what allows her to feel safe and know she can trust us, which ultimately leads to her healing. Without God's power and truth in my own life, I could not be the mom my RADish needs.

It is a gift to now have a second chance to be even MORE loving and MORE firm with our authority for our RADish this time around. After doing just that this past week, our RADish has been doing awesome the past two days. In fact, she has just finished writing a 10-page story! I have seen this time after time. After holding tight to our loving authority in her life during her times of testing, NEW LIFE literally comes pouring out of her. But it makes sense . . . God created us all to live under His authority. Living under God's loving authority is where true LIFE is found because Jesus is the WAY, the TRUTH and the LIFE (John 14:6)! This challenges me in my own walk with Christ even as I type this.

Learning to be an unmovable authority in my RADish's life has been the single most difficult thing God has asked me to do on this journey of adopting three kids from a hard place. RADishes are so out of control and push so hard against your authority that you feel like it is impossible to fully be in charge of them. It is hard not to give in on things. I just want to encourage any of you parenting RADishes to ask God to help you provide as tight of boundaries as you can for your child(ren), lots of love/affection and the ability through the Holy Spirit to not get flustered by their control and manipulation. If He can do this work in me, He can do it in you! It is hard to do when you don't see results from it right away. But, hold firm, pray and trust God. He will use your loving authority + physical affection + calmness/staying positive in response to manipulation to bring healing. I am SO THANKFUL that He uses our feeble attempts in parenting toward healing in our kids' lives.

My friend, Jen Summer's, favorite blog post was featured on We Are Grafted In this week. It came at the perfect time for me to read again this past week. If you are in the middle of the difficulty of parenting a child with attachment challenges, you will find her post incredibly encouraging! It is also great to read if you want to understand more about the journey of parenting a child with attachment challenges. 

And Then the Enemy Attacked . . .

Three weeks ago was one of the best weeks we have had as a family and it was preceded by several good weeks. God was doing some really cool things. I blogged about it for heaven's sake! Homeschooling was going great, our RADish was showing more signs of healing and attachment than ever before and life was, dare I say . . . normal?  Not to mention God had already begun using Jason's job - though officially a fundraising position - to advocate for some kids in the foster system who need families and want to be adopted.

And then last week the enemy attacked . . .

Last Tuesday night our sweet RADish had possibly the worst raging episode up to that time. It was by far the most evil. To be honest, I thought these terrible rages might be behind us. She had made so much progress in attachment that I was surprised by the need to test our love was still there. But, alas, I am still learning a lot about the complex world of attachment challenges. When the rage was over, she allowed me to give her tons of love and affection, so that was good. But, to have grown much more emotionally close to my girl and then have an episode like felt like whiplash and triggered some of my own trauma from last year.

The very next night we were in Ankeny having dinner with a couple who wanted to know more about adoption. My mom called me frantically to tell me that Abram was having a febrile (fever) seizure. He had had a fever that day and this was his 5th or 6th febrile seizure since he was about one so I told her to stay calm. Then mom said Abram's mouth and nose were blue. That has never happened before. I hung up, called 911 (as I cursed the enemy) and we raced back to Ames, praying and frantically texting and calling people to pray. Abram came out of the seizure normally, after about two minutes, but the paramedics still took him to the ER in the ambulance (with my mom) to have him checked out. We arrived at the hospital the same time as the ambulance. Besides looking terrible from being sick, he was fine and we were able to go home a couple hours later. (P.S. The last febrile seizure Abram had was the very first night our three African kids slept under our roof . . . Hello spiritual warfare!)

And just for fun. . . before I went to bed Wednesday night, I listened to a message I had on my phone. It was Sam's Club telling me that the two containers of spinach I bought (and we had eaten part of, of course) were being recalled for ecol i. Seriously?!? At this point, I almost laughed. Really, Satan, do you think Jesus is not bigger than ecol i?? 

Sometime during one of those days last week, I took Zoe's hair out and then did hair for the better part of two days. (While I really love doing the girls' hair, doing hair completely takes over life and I lose all control of everything else, which I don't like!) Suffice to say we were a little weary by the end of last week. Jesus and His Word sustained us and we were so thankful for the many friends and family praying for us.

The verse I happened to be memorizing last week was 2 Corinthians 9:8 . . . "And God is able to make EVERY grace overflow to you, so that in EVERY way always having EVERYthing you need, you may excel in EVERY good work."

God made many, many graces overflow to us last week in the midst of spiritual attack, but perhaps the biggest grace (if there is such a thing!) is how God's TRUTH has CONQUERED FEAR in my heart. As Jason and I drove from Ankeny to Ames (25 minutes), not knowing what was going on with Abram, having no idea if he was breathing or not . . .

I DID NOT HAVE FEAR IN MY HEART.

I think I need to say it again . . . I DID NOT HAVE FEAR IN MY HEART.

The ONLY explanation for this is God's grace and the power of His TRUTH that has overcome my fear. If Abram's incident would have happened in any of the previous 35 years of my life, I would have been an anxiety-wrecked woman, paralyzed by fear. But, as I went through the worst case scenarios in my head in the car (as I'm guessing every woman does!), God's powerful truth overcame them.

If the worst happened and Abram died . . . death has lost its sting because of Jesus' death on the cross. I would see my boy again in heaven and while immensely painful, God would use it for good here on earth. God has every one of my kids' days numbered. I can rest in God's sovereignty. (Little disclaimer: In no way do I mean to say if you have lost a child, just believe these truths and everything will be okay. I know it is much more complicated and difficult than that. I say what I did to show how God's truth helped me in my few minutes of fear, not how easy it would be to deal with the loss of a child.)

If Abram did not get enough oxygen to his brain and he was impaired in some way . .  we would still be okay. We are parenting kids with difficult issues now and God would see us through it again.

People, this is not the me that I have known most of my life! I recently listened to an excellent message series by Beth Moore where she encouraged women to let God live through you in a way that you no longer recognize who you are. I cried in awe of God when I heard her say that because I realized it was true of me. I don't recognize myself with this new freedom to NOT FEAR. Yes, I still struggle with fear and I have to FIGHT it with TRUTH, but fear no longer enslaves me.

The primary way God has overcome fear in my life is through my sweet RADish girl. Parenting her has exposed every weakness and frailty in me. All of her crazy, difficult, manipulating behavior in the past year left me feeling unimaginable losses of control (which led to fear). In learning to parent her from a Biblical perspective, God has given me hundreds of opportunities to BELIEVE HIS TRUTH in the midst of situations that looked and felt absolutely out of control and horrible. I can easily say this past year has been the most heart-transforming for me than any of my other 18 years of knowing Jesus. I am so grateful to God for what He has done.

To God be the glory as He continues to heal my daughter . . . and me.

An Update . . . Really!

I must say it felt a little bit weird to 1) actually open my blog and 2) click on "new post." I haven't been sure I would blog again. I'm not even sure why. Just a new stage of life, I guess. But, I've been thinking about doing an update since the beginning of the year. And a few days ago I received an unbelievable gift worthy of showing off God's power and glory. So, lo and behold, here I am writing a blog post with an update for the first time in three months!

Thanksgiving was very hard for the kids and for me. Turns out I have had expectations of what Thanksgiving would be like when I had a family. And we weren't the happy, close-knit family I envisioned (at least not yet). I had a huge breakdown Thanksgiving night. I remember telling Jason through my sobs, "... and my kids don't even tell me that they love me." This had been the case for the previous year and it never bothered me. But all of a sudden my kids not ever telling me they love me - along with many other adoption-related issues - did bother me. Ahhh! Part of the problem was that Thanksgiving coincided with the transition from "the crazy/hard first year" to "normal life." Although the first year of adding three new kids with traumatic histories to your family at one time is CRAZY and HARD (but absolutely worth it!), the nice part about it is that if your kids haven't brushed their teeth in two days, you can say "well, its the first year!" After we hit the one-year home mark (October 28th), I think I thought life was supposed to be more normal. But, ha! much of it still wasn't "normal."

Christmas was WONDERFUL! I lowered my expectations, focused on Jesus, we limited extended family time (for the sake of normalcy for our kids) and we didn't travel anywhere. Success! Praise the Lord!

New Years Eve was a disaster! Oh boy. We tried to go to an indoor water park/hotel for a couple nights with several good friends. Our RADish still struggles with a great deal of fear and staying in a hotel pushed all kinds of her triggers (I saw in hind sight). I had breakdown #2 of the holidays in the front seat of our van while driving away one night earlier than we planned, leaving all of our friends.

January has been GOOD! It has been filled with more homeschooling than last semester, increased structure in our days and little time away from home. The combination of those three things has been wonderful for all of us! I do school with the girls every Monday-Thursday morning (Fridays we clean - woohoo!). We are focusing on reading well. Zoe is reading very, very well and while Claire is  a ways behind Zoe, she continues to make great, steady progress. Attachment and healing are still our main priority with the three kids (two of them more than one).

Jason started a new job at the beginning of January. This is an amazing answer to an over two-year prayer of mine (and a good friend!), asking God to provide Jason a job in Ames. He had previously been commuting 40 minutes TWICE a day to Johnston. Not only did God give him a job in Ames, but God provided a job that allows Jason to fund raise (his profession) for an organization (LSI) that does a lot of work that we are passionate about - namely adoption and foster care, but LSI also helps refugees, disabled, elderly, etc. Jason travels a little, but most days he is now home shortly after 5:00p. Its GLORIOUS! Perhaps this is why January was so good. Just kidding. But not totally! His working in Ames has been an amazing blessing in many ways in the short month he has been there. God is so good!

This picture (we sent for Christmas) tells the story almost better than my words could:

GOD IS HEALING OUR CHILDREN! 

You can see it in their faces. 

They belong to us and we belong to them.

It is hard into put words to the slow, steady climb of attachment and healing as it continues after the first year. Without fail, every step forward still comes after pushing and testing to make sure we are not going to leave, not going to stop loving them. Although our RADish still has a lot of crazy, controlling and manipulating behavior, I have seen significant growth in attachment over the past few months. Having that attachment in place makes it much easier to endure the crazy (not-yet-fully-attached) behavior. She has recently started giving me hugs for the first time since she has been my daughter, 15 months ago. She asks for Jason and I to hug and kiss her goodnight every night. And just in the past couple days she has started sweetly and genuinely thanking me for normal things I do for her or give her. HELLO healing!! 

Perhaps the most telling evidence of God's power and healing is a note my little RADish wrote me last Friday. She got upset at me for something. Two hours of manipulation ensued. I asked for her forgiveness for my part of the mishap and then pulled her on my lap and rocked her, holding her tight (she now snuggles in and lets me hold her tightly, which never used to happen). We talked about what happened. I told her I can see Jesus healing her heart more and more, that I love her and that I am so happy she is my daughter. A little while later, I got a delivery from the mail man (Isaiah!) with a note that said:

I'm so happy that you so happy to

Thank you for talk to me a good thing

You my best mama

Love you mama

You make me so happy

Thank you for every thing

Oh, the wonders God has done (Psalm 40:5)! Of course tears fell out of my eyes reading her note. Jesus is truly the HEALER of the broken-hearted. He is turning my daughter's heart of stone into a heart of flesh (Ezekiel 11:9). His truth is triumphing the evil and lies that used to hold her captive. There will still be hard days ahead (in fact, she's in a big funk as I type this!). But, I feel like we have made it - BY THE GRACE OF GOD - to the other side of the steep, steep mountain that is loving a child with an attachment disorder. The arduous climb up that mountain has, without question, been WORTH IT! 

Praise be to the Lord God, the God of Israel,

    who alone does marvelous deeds.

¹⁹ 

Praise be to his glorious name forever;

    may the whole earth be filled with his glory.

Amen and Amen.

Psalm 72:18-19