I saw this here. She got it here.

I saw this yesterday on a blog I follow and it caused me to breath a little sigh of relief. My world feels like a lot of chaos right now. Reading this made me look forward to the changes God has in store for us. 

I also breathed another sigh of relief last night as I was holding Isaiah on my lap and looking at my other kids . . . because I thought about what three of their lives used to look like and where they physically used to live. As much I as feel like we are struggling to provide what they need (in terms of structure, activities, discipline, etc.), in that moment last night I was grateful that they simply had a family to belong to and a safe place to live. For last night, that was enough. 

I didn't mention in my post last night that Jason left on a short business trip Sunday night and is coming home this evening (I didn't exactly think all of cyber-space needed to know I was home alone with four kids for two nights!). So, of course, this has added to the chaos. We've had this trip on the calendar for several weeks so the kids could have plenty of time to know about it. We talked more about it over the weekend. The girls have been okay with Jason leaving and being gone. This is another benefit of adopting kids that are a lot older - they are able to think literally so when we say daddy is coming home Tuesday, they can look at the calendar and know what that means. We also intentionally drove Jason to the airport and are going to pick him up so the kids can see the airport and airplanes, etc. which helps their understanding of what is going on.

Isaiah, on the other hand, has had a harder time. When I put Isaiah to bed Saturday night, he was full of distress (like when he first came home) and it took him a long time to go to sleep because he knew Jason was leaving the next day. Before we drove to the airport on Sunday, Jason gave Isaiah his pillow and told him to take good care of it and give it back to him when he got home (my CA friend gave me this idea of giving a child something that belongs to the person leaving to take care of because it helps them grasp the concept that the person is coming back). I had already told Isaiah he could sleep with me while daddy was gone, which has increased his felt safety the last two nights. As soon as we dropped Jason off at the airport, Isaiah started crying and cried all the way to Ankeny. I hated that there was nothing I could say that would make him feel better. He just has to learn overtime that his parents won't leave him. Yesterday he asked where daddy was in a really sad voice. I reminded him where he was and when he was coming home and told him to go get daddy's pillow. Having him go get the pillow allowed him to do something with those emotions he had and it reminded him (better than my words, probably) that daddy was coming back.  

I'm excited for us to go get Jason at the airport tonight and see the looks on the kids' faces when they see him coming. I'm also excited to have my husband home!

Barely Still Afloat

After the smiley pictures from the last couple posts, I thought I would share how we are really doing. You know me . . . I like to keep things honest around here!

I was beginning to feel like we were starting to sink downward before we left for Burlington. Once we got home, I quickly came up for air but soon felt like we were starting to sink again. This past Saturday night Jason and I agreed that our ship is definitely sunk.

It is not one big behavior or one child or even a few big things. Its just EVERYTHING. A big part of it for me was having an intense 8 days in Burlington caring for tons and tons of needs with little-to-no downtime.  And then coming home to kids with bigger-than-usual needs. I don't think I ever mentioned that one of the kids told us they wanted to go back to C twice in the last week. I realized this was probably somewhat "normal" but it sure was hard to hear and it was hard see the reality of how badly this child was hurting. In desperation I wrote my go-to friend for some advice about all of this and as always it was good. Here is just one small part of her email to me:


I would also imagine that the timing of this (going to Burlington) just happens to fall at a time where the honeymoon is wearing off for both you and them.  Language is probably improving and also they may be feeling some sense of security and maybe even a tinge of emotional feelings towards one or more of the others in your family - which, because love has hurt so much in the past, will totally freak them out.  


She hit the nail on the head about the timing of all of this. I think the honeymoon was starting to wear off right before we left. Abram was having a hard time then. I was sensing that we needed much more structure. Another one of the kids was starting to have a hard time.

I feel like I keep coming up for air but can barely catch my breath before I go under again. I know Jason feels the same way. I now understand the need for respite care and why my CA friend told me we have to plan monthly overnight getaways for just Jason and I. We were just starting to make a plan for that before we left. We were going to have my mom come once a week for a few weeks to watch the kids and put them to bed while we have date night to ease in to going away overnight. But, we have scrapped that and we are now going to get away this weekend even though it will be hard for the kids and will mean more regression. We have reached desperation and have to get away in order to be of any use to our kids. We have so little time during a "normal" week to talk about things (because we typically don't compromise getting 8 hours of sleep - I guess that is one thing that is going well!). And lots of things have piled up that need talked about and figured out.

A lot of things in that pile are non-adoption related, practical, every day things that usually get figured out gradually as you add children one-by-one in chronological age to your family. Should the kids pick up the play room once a day, every other day or less? After the girls help clean up in the kitchen, do they need to ask my permission to be excused (sometimes they forget to do something, etc.) or not? How long should the kids sit at the table after they are done eating? What time do the girls need to stop talking and go to sleep at night? How can I make sure that all four kids are brushing their teeth twice a day!? I could go on and on. Seriously, there are probably 100 items on this list that spin around in my head all day long. (I know part of this is my personality. I am a perfectionist and I realize that contributes to the problem. But, I'm learning that with four kids, perfectionism or not, it is plain chaos without a plan -or at least guidelines - for all of these things).

And then there is the schedule that needs a big overhaul.

And then there is our marriage that needs some attention. While our marriage is not falling apart, the stress of all of the above has brought a couple large cracks to the surface that need attention.

And there are always some adoption-related issues with the kids in that pile of things that need evaluated and discussed.

Also, we realized Saturday night that we are both in need of better self-care plans. Ironically, I just read the "Parent's Self Care" section in Attaching in Adoption on Friday morning while I was exercising. However, I left the gym early because I was so overwhelmed with my life (now that's bad!).

I thought I would share a few of the tools mentioned for self-care because they are good. And I actually remember seeing these exact things on one of my favorite adoptive mom's blog awhile back (but I can't find the exact post) because the author of Attaching in Adoption was this family's therapist.

Fifty Pleasures "When parents have begun to be too worn out, it is often because they have spent so much time doing tasks that they have deleted the fun or enjoyable things in their life. I like to see parents make a list of fifty items that give them pleasure . . . going to a movie, bubbles in a bath, getting a latte, sleeping Saturday morning . . . Every week, the person must attain fifty check marks on the list."

Support group Jason and I were actually hoping to start a class/support group at Cornerstone this semester  for parents parenting kids from hard places. But we just had to cancel it due to our ship being sunk at the time being. :) (At least I can smile while saying it, right?!)

Sleep

Pleasurable hobbies Something that does not involve the kids. This is why I continue to blog. It is a much needed hobby/outlet for me.

Quiet Time to Process Daily. This is what nap time is for in my world.


Respite Care

Jason and I went to bed Saturday night completely at the end of ourselves.

But that is not the end of the story. As He always does, God came through for us. Sunday's worship service at Cornerstone was awesome. God met us right where we were at through it. In addition to worshipping to songs filled with truths from God were exactly what we needed to hear, the message was about personal worship and how "all of life is an opportunity to worship." Because of the immeasurable holiness and goodness of God, and the fact that He spoke the world into motion, not to mention his incredible love for us, there is no reason during any given day to not worship God. Our hearts were set on things above (Colossians 3) and though I wept most of the way through singing in worship, Jason and I both drove away from church refreshed and renewed.

No matter how hard life gets, God is worthy of our worship and praise. Jesus is worth it all! That is what I felt by the end of church on Sunday. And I was thanking God for the privilege He has given us to care for these {former}orphans. I know that He is working in all of this for our good and His glory.

So, because of Jesus, and how He came through for us on Sunday, we are afloat again. Barely. But we are in the boat, trusting Him to carry us along.

Another Week in Pictures

Isaiah came to me again with his monkey, but this time wanted him to ride in his hood. Love his imagination. Not to mention how his smile melts my heart!

Zoe put her extensions into a form of pigtails herself and it was so cute. So was her outfit.

One day last week the kids had sardines for lunch. Fine. But, I kept smelling fish all afternoon. I could not figure out where it was coming from. Until I opened the storage container cabinet at snack time and found Zoe's left-over sardine in an open plastic container. That will do it! To her credit, I told her to put it in a plastic container after lunch. I just forgot about the fact that she doesn't necessarily know to put a lid on it and put it in the frig. Or maybe she does know and she did this on purpose. I have no idea!

Abram is posing near the sardine, showing off the big scrape he got on his chin from falling off the kitchen table bench. After he fell off the bench (that he stands on to listen to songs on my computer) THREE DAYS IN A ROW, he was officially banned from standing on it any longer!

Was it last Thursday when it snowed big, beautiful flakes? I can't keep my days straight. As soon as the snow started falling I heard Zoe yell, "Thank you God for snow!" Within minutes the girls were outside playing in it.

Happy dance.

Happy girls.

Zoe took tons of pictures of what she was playing with last Friday afternoon. I posted a few to get a glimpse into her little world . . . which is quite creative (using my cloth coaster from Thailand as blankets).

(I bought this set of four small plastic black dolls before the girls came home and I'm so glad I did. They are probably Zoe's favorite things to play with.)

I should have also taken pictures of her electrical engineering skills this past week. It started with her taking apart a toy to get rice out of  it so it would work again (success!) and then two days later she found an old alarm clock downstairs that didn't work, took it apart and got it working again. 

Seriously, this girl is amazing. Jason and I often marvel at the way she thinks so creatively, quickly, resourcefully. She is brilliant in practical, creative ways . . . quickly figuring out ways to meet needs that she sees or just be creative with what she has to work with. 

And to top that off, I went to the play room late Friday afternoon expecting to corral the kids to help me clean it up and this is what I found (thanks to the 100+ pictures Zoe took that day I have pictures to show her hard work!).

Did I mention she is task-oriented?! Wow. It is so fun to be able to see more and more glimpses of how God has created this amazing girl. 

And lastly (thanks again to Zoe taking pictures that I was not even aware of!), it was fun to find this picture from right after nap time on Friday.

Last Week in Pictures: Part 3

Last Saturday (in Burlington) when the girls were asking to go home every few hours, I texted Kate to see if Sydney could pack a bag and stay with us when they came for the funeral. I thought that would be fun for our girls and give them something to do while we stayed a few more days with Rhonda. 

Shortly before Mark and Kate were leaving Burlington Sunday evening I thought it would be fun if Mya could stay, too. Mark and Kate gave the green light (for her to miss school 2 days!), but in order to all fit in our van on the way home, we had to send Abram home with them. It was quite the spontaneous turn of events but such a provision from God. I already wrote about what an incredible gift it was for me to see all four girls having tons of fun. Not to mention how it helped my girls survive a few more days away from home.

Here is a glimpse of their time together in Burlington . . . 

  

After dancing for a long time, they asked to eat oranges. It was around 10:00p, but we didn't care!  Zoe then decided to make orange juice out of the oranges. She's drinking her orange juice here.

 More dancing!

Sometime on Monday Mya said to me, "It is a good thing Zoe and I have the same middle name (Kate) because we like to play together." [Side note: A big reason Jason and I gave our girls the middle names of Jen and Kate was because Mya and Sydney also each have one of those names as their middle names.] It was so fun to hear her say that. And it is true. Mya and Zoe are both VERY task-oriented and like to have time alone. Meanwhile, you can tell from above that Claire and Syd are great buddies. So fun to watch their little relationships unfold. God is so good!

 Finally at midnight we made them go to bed! :)

Monday morning we painted all of their fingernails. Rhonda's sister, Karen, brought over lots of fingernail fun for us to use! At one point Rhonda and I were painting nails and my mom (who stayed in a hotel and came back in the morning) did a puzzle with the other two, all at the table. It was wonderful, fun, girl time!

But, of course, we couldn't have Mya and Sydney with us and not take them to our favorite place. So back to Burger King we went while Jason went to an appointment with his mom.

 My favorite pic! Going down the slide together.

Meanwhile, Isaiah got to have a lot of quality one-on-one time with his daddy, which was SO GOOD for him! 

Isaiah had a couple really hard days while we were gone, but by the end of it, he was doing so well. In fact, when I sat on the couch with him the night we got home and gave him milk (which we hadn't done for over a week), I felt like I was holding a different boy. A more secure and confident boy. And most notably, I felt differently toward him. I felt much more attached to him. And to be honest, I felt like I loved him more. Another gift from our faithful God. I think the fact that Isaiah went through this rough time away from home and saw that we came back home and mom and dad are still here helped him make even greater strides toward attachment and trust. 


Hopefully the same is true of the girls. We are still waiting to see. The last few days have been difficult. I've seen "going back in age" behaviors in one of the girls I have never seen before.  But, today they are both more back to the girls I remember before we left for nine days.


The only problem is that I am not! 

Last Week in Pictures: Part 2

Miss Resourceful was at it again. I loved it!

This was the scene in the back corner of the church sanctuary during part of the visitation last Saturday night. 

Jason's dad, Tom, came up from Texas. (Love that guy!) It was the first time he got to meet the kids. It was so wonderful to get to spend time with him.

 It is an incredible blessing that Tom and Rhonda have a good relationship.

 Time for p-pops.

 And then reading books. I love that Rhonda was up for this, even after the visitation.

The funeral was Sunday. Sunday was the hardest day (well, maybe ever so far). All morning long we debated which of the kids (who were all struggling) would go (and sit on a chair for an hour with lots of "strangers") and which would stay with my mom, who also came - another blessing. It seemed there was no good option. I was so at the end of myself I couldn't see straight. But, God came through.

Abram needed to stay for a nap - that was clear. Zoe said she wanted to stay and play, which was great. We decided Isaiah would be okay playing with Zoe. That left Claire, who wanted to go with us. Perfect! It seriously worked better than we could have planned it. I was so relieved.

Backing up just a bit . . . Saturday morning I woke up early to go to Target by myself (the night before I told Jason I had to get out by myself just for an hour or so!). Later that day the girls and I went to Goodwill (a brand new one!) to look for a couple things we needed. It turned out to be a really fun - and much needed - bonding time for the three of us. We also bonded later that night trying to figure out what to wear to the visitation.

So on Sunday, then, Claire and I had another little bonding time getting dressed up. While at Target the day before I found a dressy, longer black coat 70% off that I got for myself to wear with my dress. Look who ended up wearing the new coat:

I seriously felt like I was looking at the live version of an American Girl doll or something. It turns out Claire was also wearing my green shirt (it was a little big) and my necklace. She wears girls size 14 but the little girls section doesn't have much selection in that size, so I tried the women's section, size XS, for a sweater for Claire and it was perfect! She (and Zoe, too) like to be extra modest (which I am quite thankful for!) so the coat worked perfectly with her outfit and she wore it the whole afternoon.

It was so much fun to share clothes with Claire. Sharing clothes with my daughters is something I dreamed of. I just had NO IDEA it would be THIS SOON!! Sheesh. (BTW...when Claire first got home her hands were a little smaller than mine. Not anymore . . . they are the same size as mine!)

Here is the only family photo we got. Abram had already left with Ehresmans and it was the best we could do. No further commentary needed.

Last Week in Pictures: Part 1

Here are a couple pictures a day or so before we left for Burlington last week.

This isn't the best picture, but I had to include it because Owen Scott picked out the headband and flower that Zoe is wearing (and also some for Claire). Early on after the girls got home Owen was at a store with his mom and asked if he could get these things for the girls. Too sweet, that boy! I keep forgetting to tell Maria that the girls love wearing what he gave them.

Moving on to Burlington . . .

This is how the boys kept occupied at the Hospice House Tuesday night.

 With a little help from Zoe.

I think I might forever be endeared to the Burger King in Burlington because it so saved my sanity a number of times.

The second time we went, there were actually several other people eating in the little play room. So, my kids hid out in the tunnels . . . and took a bunch of pictures!

I kept this picture in here for a little older children adoption tip. If a child has a hard time with physical touch, one good place to start is to let them walk on your feet like Jason is doing below. Jason did this with the girls quite a bit at first and now just does it for fun.

 Hanging out at Grandma Rhonda's one of the first nights. And, another Owen Scott hair flower siting!

This must have been a day we didn't go to Burger King and burn off energy. The boys and Zoe were jumping from the chairs.

Or, over the chair back in Zoe's case!

Sometimes Abram needs a little extra help getting his legs flipped over him. :)

 Poor Abram.

 Meanwhile Claire sat back and watched.