The Privilege of Saying Yes

This is a great article that summarizes a topic that is talked about at length in "The Connected Child." It is written in the context of parenting children from hard places.

From: empoweredtoconnect.org
By: Amy Monroe

One thing I’ve learned in my journey as a mom is the need for me to raise the level of nurture I bring to parenting in order to help my children build trust. My children need to trust that I will consistently meet their needs in ways that help them understand that they are precious and that their voice matters. Telling them I will meet their needs helps them to “know it;” showing them (over and over and over again) helps them experience it and learn to trust.

A great way to accomplish this is to give my children as many “yes’s” as I can. It is through my “yes’s” that I can best give my kids this gift of trust. In order to improve in this area, during a recent Saturday at home with my kids I committed to giving them as many “yes’s” as possible. Trust me, this wasn’t easy, but I need the practice and they need this gift. Throughout the course of that day I was intentional about catching myself before each and every “no” I was about to give. As I stopped to think every time I considered saying “no,” I asked myself a simple question: Can I give my child a joyful “yes” instead?

What I learned in the course of this day was truly insightful. I realized that I am often tempted to say “no” out of mere convenience or for selfishness reasons. In fact, in many situations giving a “no” had become my default response. But I discovered something even more amazing – the more “yes’s” I gave the better my kids responded to me and the more our connection was strengthened.

I know what you may be thinking about now – that as a mom we can’t always give “yes’s.” This is certainly true. But I am discovering that the more “yes’s” I give the easier it is for my kids to accept the “no’s” that are an undeniable part of learning and growing. In fact, as I am mindful and creative about giving “yes’s,” I have found that I can often give a “yes” to go along with many of my “no’s.” For example, when I found my six-year-old daughter Kate in the pantry looking for a snack just 15 minutes before lunch, I had to say “no.” But, I was also able to give her a “yes” by telling her that she could put her snack in a special place and have it after lunch. That “yes” represented a win for both of us, and allowed me to meet her need and put another, albeit small, deposit in our trust account.

Each day is full of countless opportunities for me as a mom to give both “yes’s” and “no’s.” My kids certainly need me to say “no” at times in order to help them grow, but they also need many joyful “yes’s” to help them build trust. I am learning that God has given me the responsibility to say “no” when needed, and the privilege to say “yes” as often as I can.

Amy Monroe writes a weekly column – A Mother’s Heart – on the Tapestry blog.

Something More To Consider:

Giving your child “yes’s” isn’t just about saying “yes” to his requests. You can also say “yes” to your child by learning to share appropriate levels of power him. Watch as Dr. Purvis explains this concept and its benefits for our children in terms of helping them grow and heal.

Unique Adoption Supporting Idea & Story

I can't get my link function to work, but I found the video/story below from www.rageagainsttheminivan.com.

If you have time to watch the video, you totally should. I love this story for several reasons. First, it is a GREAT idea for caring for orphans when you are not at a place in life to adopt yourself. Second, if you continue to watch the video it switches to the story of the family who is adopting a boy from Ghana. My jaw dropped when they said it was after the earthquake in Haiti that they decided they needed to adopt NOW . . . not down the road after they have 2-3 biological kids. The Haiti earthquake is what God used to prompt Jason to start looking into caring for orphans.

Another part of this family's story that is strikingly similar to ours is that they primarily decided to adopt from Ghana because they learned that several other families in their county had adopted from Ghana and there is a growing community within these families to help their children know their roots and stay connected to other kids adopted from the same country. Hmmm . . . sounds like what God is doing here with C-country. So cool!

Lastly, I about got tears in my eyes when the dad adopting talked about how their church community has come around them and used their gifts and skills to contribute to their adoption. I haven't talked a lot about that, but that is so true for us. Some day I'll have to blog about all the incredible ways God has provided for us using His people. God is so faithful!

Okay, onto the video from the www.rageagainsttheminivan.com:

This video is a great example of how someone can play a part in helping children find families – without adopting. International adoption is expensive. Stupid expensive. Not everyone is in the position to do it, and not everyone should do it. But a couple from my church decided that they would play a role in another couple’s adoption. They are getting married, and instead of registering, they are asking for donations for my friends Steve and Sarah Carters’ adoption.

Wedding Gifts from Nick Benoit on Vimeo.

Good Advice

My favorite blog that I mentioned on my resource list a couple posts ago takes reader questions and often posts them for her readers to comment on. That way, the blog author is not the only one answering but so are many other people who have probably dealt with similar issues.

A couple months ago I submitted a question to her about discipline and she posted it as her Tuesday Topic this week. I read some of the comments tonight. Some are quite interesting and don't really apply to us. But some others were GREAT and SUPER HELPFUL! I'm not going to talk about that discipline question here (you can read it from the Tuesday Topic link). But, what I do want to share is part of the comment one of the readers posted.

What she posted is not new information to me, but was great encouragement to do what we have been planning to do once the kids get here. I thought I would post it so you can get an idea of what our lives are going to look like when our kids come home:

Spend a LOT of time at first going back to that "first year" of life phase (even with the oldest) and do a TON of rocking, holding, bottle feeding, eye contact - all of the things that answer the question "am I o.k.? will you meet my needs?" - over, and over, and over, and over. Do NOT overindulge in the American way of giving them all of the stuff and experiences they have never had - it is WAY too much sensory overload and it is overwhelming in a BAD way. DO have very tight boundaries (in the way that you would have with an infant or toddler). A 6 year old adopted child from a trauma background is NOT 6! I would GREATLY encourage you to not seek to do any type of "school" work during the first year. Keep them home with you and live the infant/toddler/preschool years with them. This is going to be a MAJOR year of change, some chaos, and learning for both you and your children. (I say this as one who has adopted large sibling groups two times now!). It is hard, but it is very good!

The gal who wrote this comment blogs here.

The only thing I'm a bit unsure about is not doing any type of "school" work during the first year. I get where she is coming from but I'm not sure how that works when kids who are seven years old have to be enrolled in school or officially doing home school (which we were planning on). I wrote her to ask more.

God Did It!

He allowed our house to be sold in THREE WEEKS flat! We sold it this past Saturday . . . the same day we got the two new pictures of our kids. Talk about God's faithfulness! I wanted to wait until the "sale pending" sign was in our yard to blog about our house selling, but I don't know when that will be and I couldn't wait any longer to share the news!

Seriously, who but God could do all of this:

- take two people who were dead set on staying in their house and change their minds about moving . . . a few months before we adopt three kids!

- provide a house that is perfectly suited for our new, growing family IN our neighborhood, IN our price range when we weren't even looking

- provide the money we need to make the purchase of a house possible through generous people and our church the SAME week this house came on the market

- cause NOT ONE PERSON to even look at the house we want to buy in the three weeks we had a contingent offer on it (anyone could have made an offer on it and bought it and we wouldn't have been able to buy it) . . . This is amazing to me!

- Allow our house to sell after only three weeks on the market (and ten showings) . . . again, AMAZING!

"How great are your works, LORD, how profound your thoughts!" (Psalm 92:5)

We close on our house on April 29th, which is a little later than we were hoping, but we'll take it and make it work. At this point, it seems our kids won't be here until June or so.

Here is our new house: 630 Jewel Drive

It is not much to look at from front (especially when you don't like brown, like me!). BUT this house has TWICE as much space on the main level as our current house (there is a big family room on the back of the house). It has a full basement that is completely gutted so our kids can ride trikes and bikes and jump rope and play basketball now and then we can finish it in the future. IT HAS A GARAGE! (Our current house does not have a garage.) IT HAS A DISHWASHER (something else our current house does not have!). It has a great back yard. It has an updated kitchen with all new appliances, an updated bathroom (that is 2-3 times the size of our current bathroom) with all new fixtures/tub/vanity, all new light fixtures throughout the house, new door knobs and two new sets of sliding glass doors (off the kitchen and off the family room). Besides painting, there is very little we have to do the house to enjoy living in it.

All of this and we weren't even looking! We so don't deserve this.

The house does have dark brown trim throughout and the kitchen was all updated in browns (did I mention I do not like brown?). But, since everything else about the house was so great for our family, I got over the brown quickly and decided it will be a good challenge for my decorating skills.

Let the packing begin!

All Three Together

We got two new pictures from our agency over the weekend. Up to this point the pictures we have gotten are of each of the kids individually. However, this time we got two pictures of ALL THREE OF OUR KIDS TOGETHER! I cannot even tell you how wonderful and amazing it is to see them all three together . . . looking like the siblings that they are. AMAZING!

What's more is that from the picture we could see Zahra being the protective older sister, holding Isaiah back from running away, while Zoe was just smiling ear to ear, having a great time. It is fun to get to see a glimpse of their personalities through the pictures so far - especially these two.

When you have to begin these mother-child relationships from thousands of miles away, it is crazy what a simple picture can do to your heart. Looking at them all three together, I felt deep inside my soul that these are my kids - in a way I can't explain but that is more real than ever. I've never felt more like their mom than I do after seeing these last two pictures. God is faithful because as I've blogged about before, growing to love older kids through just a picture is a definite process. God continues to do the work that only He can do to graft these children into my heart.

The only trouble with feeling more like their mom is that it makes me want to wrap my arms around them. The picture of the three of them popped into my mind half-way through the last song at church on Sunday and of course, I lost it! Many tears, wishing my kids could be home.

Resources for Adopting Kids from Hard Places

I’ve been working on a list of resources for adopting kids from hard places (internationally or from foster care). It is not exhaustive, but it is made up of the top resources I have found in the past several months. Here are the statistics (from Dr. Karen Purvis) about kids from hard places transitioning into families: 1/3 of children adopted from hard places make a seamless transition into their new home, 1/3 of children have significant issues and the last 1/3 of children have intense issues transitioning to their new home.

Here is the reality: At the very least, any child being adopted from overseas has:

1) experienced a lack of food/starvation

2) had parents either leave them or they have had to leave their parents to be adopted

3) left everything they have ever known to be familiar to them (even if they were ‘bad’ circumstances from our perspective, they were still familiar)

These events happen to nearly EVERY child adopted internationally, no matter what their age (except for newborn infants who have care from birth and are then adopted). These events are traumatic. There is a lot of loss and grief these kids will experience. In addition, every child is going to have to deal with the issue of attachment to varying degrees; they also have to adjust to new parents and learn to function in a new family – or maybe the first family they've ever been a part of. Add to all this the possibility of having bonded with a foster parent and leaving them, having a parent leave them in the street to fend for themselves, witnessing fighting, abuse, murder, experiencing physical and/or sexual abuse and you can begin to see why kids who are adopted from hard places will have significant trauma that their parents will have to help them through.

Parents adopting kids from hard places can’t to bring these kids into our homes, give them the love we have to offer, parent them like we parent our children who have been with us since birth and expect that they will be fine. It is not fun to think about, but it is reality. And this reality can be incredibly overwhelming. Trust me, I have cried many tears over this. There were about four Sunday church services in a row last fall that I bawled like a baby, grieving and crying out to God about these things. There is nothing that has made me long for and depend on the power of God like the thought of adopting kids from a very hard place. In addition to the grace and power of God, there are two main things I have learned (from Dr. Karen Purvis at empoweredtoconnect.org) in my preparation that have helped me the most when I begin to feel overwhelmed about the challenge of parenting kids from hard places:

1. Parents who have a realistic perspective about how difficult it can be to parent kids from hard places will experience more success and joy in parenting than parents who have an idealistic view of what it will be like to bring these kids into their home. An idealistic view involves thinking “we have so much love to give a child,” “when they come home it will be wonderful,” “our child will be so happy and thankful we adopted him.” Being as realistic as possible about the difficulties that lie ahead is very important.
2. Dr. Karen Purvis has said if parents use the tools available to help parent kids from hard places, she has never seen a child not progress to their full potential later in life.

With this said, below is a list of books, blogs and more that I have found to be the most helpful. I also put my own commentary after each one to give more description about why it is on the list. Most of them are on this list because they have been recommended by a number of people. Some I have read, some I have not yet read. My goal in compiling this was to have as many of the resources I may need in the future handy and available. I actually have many more on a longer list, but I’m posting what I think are the main important resources. This also includes therapists. I know that may sound scary, but again, I’ve done enough reading to know that it is quite likely that one or more of our kids could need adoption-specific therapy or other treatment. I’m not planning on taking our kids to therapy as soon as they get here, but it makes me feel better to know that I know who I can call if I need to down the road.

BOOKS
The Connected Child (Dr. Karen Purvis, et. al.) If I had only one book to read to help me prepare and to refer to when my kids come home, it would be this one.

Wounded Children Healing Homes (Schooler, et. al.) Not quite as practical as “Connected Child” but my second favorite book in preparing to adopt kids from hard places.

The Boy Who Was Raised As a Dog (Bruce Perry) This book is not about adoption, but rather about how the brain is affected by trauma. It is not a necessary read for most people, but it is probably one of my favorite books I’ve read EVER (I was a psychology and sociology major, what can I say?)! It is incredibly fascinating and lays the foundation for understanding why kids end up acting the way they do after they’ve had traumatic experience(s). Trauma literally changes brain chemistry. The good news is that there are ways to “re-wire” the brain through treatment, therapy and appropriate parenting techniques.

Toddler Adoption: The Weaver’s Craft (Mary Hopkins-Best) I haven’t read this yet, but I am about to start it. This is one of the only toddler-specific resources I have come across.

Attaching in Adoption (Deborah Gray) I started reading this book, but decided it would be better to read after the kids come home and I know the specific attachment issues we are dealing with because it is very in-depth.

Nurturing Adoptions (Deborah Gray) I am planning to read this after the kids come home as well.

Building the Bonds of Attachment: Awakening love in deeply troubled children (Daniel Hughes) I got this book from the library last week, but then found out the author is doing a webinar through Adoption Learning Partners on March 8th (see below), so I signed up for the webinar and took the book back to the library.

Theraplay: Helping Parents and Children Build Better Relationships Through Attachment-Based Play (Jernberg & Booth) I am really looking forward to reading this book. I like the concept of using play as therapy and look forward to learning more about how we can do that.

Parenting with Love and Logic (Cline & Fay) I don’t have much to say about this book, but have seen it recommended by a number of sources.

Inside Transracial Adoption (Steinberg & Hall) “Transracial adoption” refers to adopting a child of a different race than yourself and your spouse.

I’m Chocolate, You’re Vanilla: Raising Healthly Black and Biracial Children in a Race-Conscience World (Wright) Another book about the issue of transracial adoption.

BLOGS
http://www.onethankfulmom.com/ This is my all-time favorite blog for Christ-centered adoption information. It is an adoptive mom who simply shares what she is learning, the issues her adopted kids face, etc. Most of my book recommendations have come from her.

http://gatheredfromafar.com/ This adoptive mom does a great job of sharing what life looks like after adopting three girls (I think they were adopted as toddlers or a little older). It has helped me get a better picture of what life might look like for us. She is also a believer.

OTHER RESOURCES
http://empoweredtoconnect.org/ (Dr. Karen Purvis) I’ve shared this website on my blog before. It is PACKED with incredible resources. I have looked at many of them, but decided to wait to use this as a resource once our kids get here (instead of reading everything on it now).

7 Gifts & 7 Insights Video Series (by Empowered to Connect) If there was just one resource on this entire post that I recommend the highest it is this. It is a series of 17 short videos by Dr. Karen Purvis. We were required to watch this video series by our agency and I am so glad we did. There is also a study guide that can be downloaded to go along with it. This video series is the nuts and bolts of what every family must know about adopting kids from hard places.

Healthy Touch (Texas Christian Institute of Child Development) This is a DVD that I have about the importance of using touch/massage with children to help bond with them. Touch is a powerful tool that parents can use to help their kids bond and attach.

Adoption Learning Partners This site offers an extensive variety of online courses to help prepare for adoption. We watched “Food for Thought,” which helped us learn about how to help our kids catch up from being malnourished. I am also going to watch "Connecting Your Family, Inside and Out" by Daniel Hughes in a couple weeks. Most courses cost around $15.

Adoptive Families Magazine This is a great magazine and is available at the Ames Public Library (or you can buy a subscription). Each issue covers a number of important adoption topics. I used to get it shortly after Abram came home, but found it not as helpful for a domestic newborn adoption (there aren't as many post-adoption issues to deal with in an infant, domestic adoption). I need to start looking at it again because I know it will be very helpful now that we are adopting three kids from Africa.

NUTRITION These are the best two websites I've found to help parents know how to help kids nutritionally who have been malnourished.

http://www.adoptmed.org/

http://adoptionnutrition.org/ (The Spoon Foundation)

THERAPISTS (Notes by Anne Hrbek, a mother at Cornerstone to two biological girls and two girls adopted from foster care who have had significant behavioral issues.)

Karen Combs (fantastic attachment therapist -- plenty of experience). Wonderful lady. Adoptive parent of a child with significant mental health problems. She will travel and does in-home therapy.
Karencombs@netins.net
641-487-7832
66684 110th Street
McCallsburg, IA 50154-8014

Tracie Engstrom
tlengstrom@gmail.com
Play therapist
Good with children/teens with attachment and trauma problems. Does family therapy as well.
232-0411
Located in downtown Ames (across from Wheatsfield in Pyle office building)

Carol Leland (Youth and Shelter Services)
cleland@iowatelecom.net
Therapist -- experienced adoptive parent with internationally adoptive children with significant mental health issues.
233-3141
YSS office is on South 5th street (across from Panera).

Denise Best, therapist
Denisebest@mchsi.com
Adoption & Attachment Treatment Center of Iowa (Iowa City)
Fantastic attachment therapist. Difficult to get appointments with since she has gotten very well known.
319-338-2722. Last I heard doesn't take T-XIX insurance.

If anyone has any other resources to add to this list please let me know! And feel free to pass this onto others.

First Refugee Arrivals

I'm copying and pasting Janel's blog post about the first refugee arrivals. It is so exciting! Burma is a neighboring country to Thailand, where I lived for two years, so I would LOVE to go meet the Burmese refugees who are coming and help them. But, Jason says we have a few things going on here. :) Okay, okay, he is right! For now, I'll just keep encouraging everyone to see what you can do to donate some items and I'll offer to drive the donations to Ankeny. I think they will need donations for the next several months.

First Arrivals!

WOW…the donations are already pouring in!!! Thank you to everyone who is spreading the word about this need and dropping off donations at the gym. We are getting so much great stuff! Just wanted to do one more post on this so that you could see this organization in action! On Wednesday, the first family of refugees arrived at the Des Moines airport. Valerie shared some pictures with us and said I could share them here on the blog.

Here is the little family from Burma. Their total travel time was 22 hours! Their little girl is 10 months old.

And here they are being shown the ropes at their new apartment in Des Moines.

And here is a collage of items that were donated and set up in their apartment (table & chairs, baby clothes, bed frame, mattress, sheets, comforter, pack n’ play, and toys). Just wanted you to see that your donations are going to be used!!!!!!!!!!!

For this family USCRI had to purchase the couch, lighting, toiletries, a few of the kitchen items, and food with their government allotted money (most purchases were made at the Salvation Army). Now that the word is out, I think there will be no problem in getting every single item donated that is needed for the refugees apartments.

Thanks again for contributing to this need and for spreading the word!

More Prayer for the Klausers

Here is the latest update from the Klausers two nights ago (it took me awhile to post it since I was working on what is below). Thank you for praying . . . God is moving! Please keep praying.

Many people have asked me to help explain how it can be that a birth mom could take a baby back after he has been with an adoptive family for two months. Believe me, I have been trying to figure it out, as I have been FURIOUS about this situation. I am not an expert, but from my own experience, looking into Minnesota adoption law and emailing my social worker, here is my stab at it.

- After a baby is born in any state, there is typically a waiting period of 24-72 hours (exact time varies by state: Texas is 48 hours, Minnesota is 48 hours, Iowa is 72 hours . . . Rhode Island is 15 DAYS - had to throw RI in there because it is crazy!) in which the birth parent(s) cannnot sign a consent to terminate parental rights. The purpose of this waiting period is to give a birth mom time to recover from labor and delivery and then be able make a decision when she is fully recovered.

- Once the initial waiting time is over, a social worker from the agency will visit the birth parent(s) and ask if she/they are ready to sign the consent to terminate parental rights. Most birth parent(s) sign the papers at this point. When we adopted Abram, his birth mom signed the papers at this point, shortly after the 48-hour mark.

- Many states' law ALSO includes a time period, after terminating parental rights, where the birth mom can change her mind. In Iowa this time period is 96 hours. In Minnesota, it is 10 days. In Texas, there is no time period in which the birth mom can change her mind; once she signs, that is it, the adoption is complete (definitely a blessing for us!). In the case of our friends in Minnesota, even if the birth mom terminates her rights, she will still have 10 business days to change her mind before the adoption is complete.

- What if the birth mom doesn't sign the consent right away? There are several different scenarios:

1) The birth parent(s) may decide to parent and at this point would take the baby home from the hospital with her/them.

2) The birth mom/parents may want more time with her baby before terminating her rights. Abrazo (the first agency we used) encouraged us to definitely give the birth mom that time. Don't pull back away from her; love her and give her that time - it may be the only time she has with her baby.

3) This "extra time" a birth mom may want before having to sign the papers is the tricky issue because she could just keep on taking "extra time." So, some states have laws to give birth moms a time frame in which she HAS to sign or chose to parent. That is what is going on in Minnesota. The Klauser's birth mom could have signed the papers after the initial 72 hour mark but she did not, she wanted more time to think about it. In Minnesota birth moms have 60 days to decide whether to terminate rights or parent. In Texas the time frame is 7 days and in Iowa this extra time frame is not given by law. On one hand, it makes sense to give a "cut-off" time for a birth mom to make a decision. I am absolutely pro-birth-mom-rights. And I understand that she might need some time to think it over. But, 60 days seems like a LONG time to have it drag out - TOO LONG! In my opinion early on in this 60-day period a birth mom should be receiving good counseling from the agency to help her make a decision soon - for the benefit of everyone involved. The other thing that is tricky about this wait time is that from my experience with Abrazo, they would RARELY let a baby go home with an adoptive family if the birth mom has not signed the consent. Their purpose in this is to protect the adoptive family from what the Klausers are dealing with. However, Texas also doesn't have the 60-day period for a birth mom to decide. This leads to the fourth scenario.

4) If the birth mom is not ready to sign papers at the time of hospital discharge the baby can go to foster care. Most agencies have good, licensed foster families available for this situation. But, understandably birth moms may not like this option and further, a family who has been matched with a birth mom for many months would rather take the baby home - even if the birth mom is unsure - than have it go to a third party (foster family).

- The finalization of an adoption is the last step to complete an adoption. But it is more of a formality than anything. For an adoption to be finalized in Iowa, a baby (or child because it works the same for foster care) must be in a family's home for 180 days (6 months). During that time the social worker will come for 1-3 more visits to check to see how things are going. Once it is confirmed through these reports that the child and family are doing well and six months have passed, the adoption can be legally finalized - this takes place in front of a judge in court. For us, that meant we had to go back to Texas and finalize before a judge in that state since that is where Abram was born. This varies by state. This six-month waiting period is not a time where the birth mom can choose to take the baby back. Not at all. The state is just making sure that you are fit to parent this child. Only things like abuse or neglect could cause the adoption to not be finalized at that point.

If you made it this far in reading, way to go! That was a lot of jargon to read. Hopefully that helps explain things and doesn't confuse you even more. Post any questions if you have them.

Sweet Opportunity to Help Refugees

I learned about this from my friend, Janel Sullivan. You can read her whole post here.

Between now and September the U.S. Committee for Refugees and Immigrants (USCRI) is going to be helping approximately 110 refugees resettle in Des Moines (from Zimbabwe, Burma, & Iraq). [Jen's personal note: God is bringing the nations to our backyard and we have a great opportunity to serve them (and HIM!)] Currently USCRI is in desperate need of household donations and also for volunteers from the community as refugees have already started arriving just this week.

Below is a list of the items needed that must be in the homes once the refugees arrive. As you do your spring cleaning this year, PLEASE consider USCRI as a possible donation site for old furniture, clothing, and other household items. Donations can be dropped off at Jake’s gym in Ankeny starting today (3305 SE Deleware). Drop-off times are Monday through Thursday 4pm-9:30pm, or if you need to drop off at a different time get in touch with Jake to arrange this (jake@kingdomhoops.com). There will be large signs directing you to the storage/drop off area once you enter the main door. USCRI will also pick up any donations that you cannot bring in! [Note from Jen: I would be more than happy to collect a van-load of items and take them to Ankeny if you only have a few things to donate. Please email me at jenniferailenelee@gmail.com.]

Here is the list of items needed, and volunteer information is outlined below:

Furnishings
-Mattresses (twin, double)
-Box springs
-Bed frames
-Dressers, set of drawers, shelves, or other unit appropriate for storage of clothing
-Kitchen tables
-Kitchen chairs
-Couches or equivalent seating
-Lamps

Kitchen Items
-Tableware (forks, knifes, spoons)
-Dishes (plates, bowls, cups)
-Pots & pans (sauce pans, frying pans, baking dishes)
-Mixing/serving bowls
-Kitchen utensils (spatulas, wooden spoons, knifes, serving utensils, etc.)
-Can opener
-Baby items

Linens & Other Household Items
-Bath towels
-Bed sheets and blankets
-Pillows and pillowcases
-Alarm clocks
-Paper, pens and pencils
-Light bulbs

Cleaning Supplies
-Dish soap
-Bathroom/kitchen cleanser
-Sponges, cleaning rags, and/or paper towels
-Laundry detergent
-Waste baskets
-Mops, brooms
-Trash bags

Toiletries
-Toilet paper
-Shampoo
-Soap
-Toothbrushes
-Toothpaste

Food
-Ready to eat food
-Baby food

Come on, let’s start knocking out these items so that Valerie and USCRI Des Moines can use their government money allotment for things greater than household items!!!!!!!! Let’s get Jake’s gym packed to the brim!!!

USCRI Des Moines is also in desperate need of manpower - people willing to serve their TIME and volunteer! Valerie has had a very difficult time finding people who are willing to help refugees. As families pour in USCRI needs volunteers to help set up apartments, aid in transportation, and mentoring these families as they acclimate to their new environment and life. An interest in volunteering does not require a commitment ahead of time. Rather, your name will be placed on an email list and notification emails will be sent out for the needs as they arise. As a volunteer you will also receive a newsletter with updates and an opportunity to attend an orientation for this specific volunteer work. If you are interested in volunteering email Valerie at valeriemayerstubbs@gmail.com and you will be added to the volunteer email list

Keep Praying for the Klausers

Here is the latest from the Klausers: "Praise, But Its Not Over Yet."

Here is their update.

PLEASE PRAY

Please pray for our friends, Nate and Natalie Klauser, who are experiencing the most gut-wrenching situation:

"Please pray for our family! We received a phone call yesterday saying that Caleb's birth mom wants him back after being with us for two months. We have 48 hours left with our son and our hearts are hurting."

You can read more on their blog.

Acquiring English

I'm thankful for how God has equipped his church with people who have many different gifts and talents and are willing to share them with those of us adopting. There are several people at our church who teach ESL (English as a Second Language) and one of them passed on several great resources for me. Perhaps the most helpful was this article with many great tips on how to help older kids who are adopted acquire English during the first few months and years. Even if you are adopting younger kids, I think many of the tips could be helpful.

P.S. Our kids will only know French when they arrive!

English Acquisition for Internationally Adopted Children

Apr 12, 2001 - © Susan Ward

When adopting an older child internationally, some of the main questions revolve around language. How will we communicate? How quickly will she learn English? Below are tips and notes based on my experience with Hannah. Hannah had just turned six when she got home from Russia.

Hannah was a bit of a wonder child in that she was completely fluent with almost no accent after 9 months. Part of the reason is that she is very, very bright; she has an excellent memory; and most importantly, she had excellent Russian language skills which provided the foundation for her to learn her second language. She was also very eager to learn English.

Hannah's mastery of English was very quick. After three years home, she reads above grade level, writes poetry, and understands very subtle nuances of the language. Her language abilities quite remarkable and are probably not typical.

General language tips: -learn as much Russian (Chinese, Vietnamese, etc.) as you can and use it for the basics i.e."It's time for bed." "Do you need to go to the toilet?" "Come here" "Would you like an apple?" "I love you" "You're my daughter."

-When speaking Russian doesn't work, draw pictures and pantomime.

-When you're not communicating in Russian, speak English to your child constantly even when they don't understand it. For example, when you're going for a walk, just chat in English about what you see.

-Start reading as soon as your child is home and read every day

-Teach a game where they have to use English like "Go Fish" (I taught Hannah this on day 2)

-Resist asking them to repeat things for you in English, they'll do it when they're ready

-When they start to speak English, instead of correcting them, repeat it back correctly. For example if Hannah aid, "Yesterday I eat ice cream," I would say, "You ate ice cream yesterday?"

-Early on, get one of the phonics games. It helps them learn the alphabet as well as sounds

-Make language fun--after Hannah learned her alphabet, we did lots of verbal alphabet games

-As Hannah's English began to take off, my rule was I only corrected one thing per day

-Get a translator/tutor. I had a Russian graduate student who spent a couple hours with Hannah each week for a couple months. They were speaking Russian, but Olga was also teaching Hannah basic English i.e. vocabulary, numbers, a few letters, etc. I also used Olga to translate the "big" issues i.e. safety topics, upcoming Christmas, the aunt she was about to meet who was pregnant, etc.

Watching an older child begin to comprehend then to speak English is one of the many miracles of older child international adoption!

The copyright of the article English Acquisition for Internationally Adopted Childrenin Adoptive Parenting is owned by Susan Ward. Permission to republish English Acquisition for Internationally Adopted Children in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.

Domestic Adoption Resource

I want to share with you a great organization doing domestic adoptions in case anyone is interested. If we were wanting to adopt a newborn baby domestically, this is probably the "agency" we would use. Although Christian Adoption Consultants is not an agency. Tracie Loux is a consultant who works with many different adoption agencies (often in states that have good adoption laws, meaning less waiting time to terminate parental rights). This allows the adoption process to go pretty quickly.

You can subscribe to her blog and receive their current available situations (I posted the most recent below). Every time I get these, it makes me want to adopt one of these babies!! Clearly, that is not happening anytime in the near future.

You can also email her and she will send you more information about how the process works.

Updated Available Situations

FEBRUARY 3, 2011

by tracieloux

AA, Gender Unknown, Due March 15th (UT), 17K plus medical (5-7K)

AA, Gender Unknown, Due March 23rd (OH), 17K plus legals of 6K

AA, Gender Unknown, Due April 6th (UT), 17K plus medical (5-7K)

AA, Boy, Due April 6th (UT), 17K plus medical (5-7K)

CC, Boy, Due March 1st, 30.5K plus medical

CC, Boy, due late Feb, 37.5K

These situations are representative of the situation available to our clients from the agencies we work with. This is a partial list and changes frequently.

If you have any further questions please feel free to email me at tracie@christianadoptionconsultants.com

Adoption Quote

My friend, Sarah Vint, passed this quote onto me from an adoption story she read. A mom who placed her baby for adoption said,

"Adoption is never about feeling good. It's about choosing something that nearly kills you for the betterment of someone else's life."

That, my friends, is The Gospel!

Another trip to the ER

We had another trip to the ER last night, which makes two trips to the ER in less than a year. Abram woke up yesterday not feeling well. He was lethargic and had a fever most of the day but he hadn't been sick very long so I wasn't that concerned. At around 4:30a, I was holding him on my lap on the couch and he had a seizure. A horrifyingly scary experience for any parent. My friend Mandy Stenberg's son had a fever-induced seizure a year and a half ago, so I was guessing that was what was going on, though it was still very scary. Especially when he went limp after the seizure. We jumped in the van and headed for the ER ASAP. Jason called Mandy on the way to the ER and put her on speaker phone. It was an incredible blessing - and evidence of God's grace to us - to be able to hear her tell us that was Abram was doing was "normal" for fever-induced seizures. She also told us what to expect for the next hour after the seizure. What a blessing!

The ER confirmed that Abram's seizure was fever-induced. It was 103.7 after we got there. They monitored him for about three hours and then sent us home. He was also diagnosed with RSV (which I figured he had). We've been giving him alternating doses of Tylenol and Ibuprofen to keep his fever down. The poor little guy is miserable today and of course it has been hard to sleep with all the coughing he is doing.

Here are some pictures of the the grand occasion. He was quite out of it for the first half hour or so.


Once he was fully awake and with it, he cried and cried because he wanted "out." The little guy was tired of people poking and prodding him.

Aunt Kate and Greysen stopped by this morning. I guess the good thing about them both being sick is that we don't have to try to keep them away from each other! We've been watching a lot of Abram's favorite train movie today.

All-in-all, we are so grateful for God's grace that carried us through that stressful time. The whole time I was holding Abram on the way to the hospital, I was telling Jesus that we knew He created Abram and was holding him together. There was nothing we could do to change what He already knew was going to happen. What a blessing to have a living God to trust in!

Road Trip to Kansas City

This past Saturday morning we - all 6 of the Ehresmans and 3 of us - packed up their Expedition and headed south to Kansas City. Kate and the girls held down the back. The little boys and I sat in the middle row (and thankfully they slept part of the way down...and ALL the way home). Mark, Jason and Brady were in front.

We stopped at Wendys for lunch on the way down and the little boys got a fun ride.

Then we all piled out at William Jewel College in Liberty, MO . . .
To watch Jessie Wheeler play basketball.
Of course Uncle Roger was there.
And of course he shared his pop with Abram! (Abram got his first sucker from Roger last year during one of Jessie's basketball games.)
Abram was so excited to get to play with a ball. All the way down he said, "ball," "oop," and "Nic" (meaning Nic Wheeler, who was going to be there, too).And someone else came to the game with her mom: Renae Masson. I texted Julie on the way down to let her know we were going to the game and she and Renae came, too. Fun! Jason played with the kids during most of the game. :)

Here is Jessie in action.

Someone had a little popcorn during the game.


After the game, we drove to our hotel, which had a water park. It took the little boys awhile to get warmed up to the idea Saturday evening.
Brady and Mya slept in our room.
Watching cartoons in the morning.
Breakfast
The Lazy River.
Mark and Sydney
Kate and the kids.
Abram got a little closer to the water, but still wasn't thrilled about it.
However, as soon as he got to play with the ball and "oop" in the water, he was IN HEAVEN! And Jason got a good arm workout for sure.

Mya loved the obstacle course.
We had a great time. However, all that togetherness led Abram to catch Greysen's virus he now has (RSV). But, I'll save that for the next post.