My wonderful friend, Jill, sent me two blog posts in the last 24 hours that God has used to speak to my heart. Go is revealing to me - through these posts and His Word - that He has a lot of work to do in my heart, namely with my issue with fear. And He is using my kids' distress to do it. Here is the first post, specifically on fear. Here is an  excerpt from the second post:


There’s a God-Man on the other side of this discomfort, waiting to meet me. And the greatest lie keeping me from Him is the belief that if my circumstances (big or small) would change, I would find the freedom I crave.


He is what I crave.

The words "freedom" and "crave" hit me so deeply because a number of times the past two days, I have been craving/longing for the day that the girls are attached and past this behavior that is so unbelievably difficult for me to know how to handle. I have thought that once that happens, I will be free. Not free from parenting them, but free from the deep anxiety of parenting them with all of their post-adoption issues. Lie exposed. God is using my circumstances to draw me closer to Him so that come what may - attachment or even no attachment - He is all I crave. Whew. I've got a long way to go.

He continued speaking to me this morning in my Jesus Calling devotional:
You are on the right path. Listen more to Me, and less to your doubts. I am leading you along the way I designed just for you. Therefore, it is a lonely way, humanly speaking. But I go before you as well as alongside you, so you are never alone.


Peace flooded my soul.

I also meditated on 2 Peter 1:3-7 . . . His divine power has given me everything I need for life and godliness. I do not have to fear that I will not know how to respond to my kids' behavior. God has given me everything I need.
.

Four Months

In case anyone is counting, our kids came home four months ago today.

Jason and the three kids (Abram wimped out) made this snow-woman (as the girls called it) on Saturday. I must say it was one of the cutest snowmen that I've seen. 

I really don't have any thoughts on that milestone. I'm just thankful for the grace God gave me to get through today. It was another incredibly rough day with the girls. I felt like I was treading water all day, barely hanging on. But, I can say that God's grace was sufficient. The kids are in bed and I am still breathing. Jason called me on his way home (he had to work late) just a little bit ago and I was sobbing on the phone with him. After I calmed down, I heard the girls' bedroom door open. They heard me crying and wanted to know why. I fumbled my response.

I will say it again. God's grace is sufficient. He provided wisdom after I asked (after I possibly blew it . . . I don't know if I did or not and that is part of the problem!) and a little victory at the end of the night with one of the girls. I am trusting His faithfulness for tomorrow. He listens to my cry for help.

For he has not despised or disdained the suffering of the afflicted one; he has not hidden his face from him but has listened to his cry for help. Psalm 22:24

What I'm Thinking About Today

But I trust in you, O Lord;

I say, 'You are my God.'My times are in your hands;

Psalm 31:14-15a

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body.

2 Corinthians 4:8-11

Last night I printed off a list of all the verses in the Bible that mention afflicted and distress. I need to know what God has to say to about these things as they describe much of my kids' lives and are also quickly becoming the theme of my own life. The second time "afflicted" is used in Psalms is in chapter 10, verse 17. I opened my Bible to read the verses surrounding this verse and found the rest of the sentence, well...quite relevant. 

You hear, O LORD, the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry, defending the fatherless and the oppressed, in order that man, who is of the earth, may terrify no more.

Psalm 10:17-18

The Weekend: Fun & Firm Boundaries

My dad and brother were in town this past weekend so that made for lots of fun, family time. Saturday night the kids had ice cream before they watched a movie. The way the four girls play together and have fun continues to be one of the sweetest gifts. 

The weekend was full of lots of good family time, but it ended yesterday late afternoon with another incredibly difficult, raging episode with one of the girls (as a result of me enforcing a consequence for something she chose to not do). It only lasted 20-30 minutes but left me absolutely racked with anxiety like I have never felt before. I think the unknown of how long these episodes will last and if/when she will snap out of them caused a mountain of anxiety within me. I know this is "normal" behavior to expect from older adopted kids with a past like our daughters', but knowing it is normal does not change the anxiety. While I was making dinner afterward, I prayed and meditated on Scripture. It is a whole new way of life I'm learning . . . to trust God in the middle of these excruciatingly difficult times.

She did snap out of it (like she has each time so far. . . we just don't have a long enough track record for me to feel confident she will always come out of it) and we had a good family dinner together. And remember the eye contact I wrote about last week? A few times at dinner, I noticed she tried to glance at me. I could read her face and I knew she was expecting me to look at her harshly for what she did. But, I did't. I tried to look into her eyes lovingly as much as I could to tell her she is OKAY. Even after a raging fit, I love her and she is OKAY. With my eyes I told her, you are going to be OKAY in this family. Your are going to be OKAY with me being your mom and with me being in charge.

She let me rock her after dinner last night and she sat in my lap longer than usual. Before bed she jumped on my lap in a fun way to say goodnight - which was more affectionate than before. And this morning I showed her the new socks I bought her yesterday (she has been asking for "strong" socks because she has worn holes in most of hers!). She was very happy when I showed them to her. I helped her take them out of the package and put them away. After we had them put away she said, "thank you," very genuinely and simultaneously reached over to me and gave me the biggest and first real hug she has ever given me. I hugged her for as long as she would let me and I had to fight back the tears the whole time. All the awful anxiety was worth it in that moment. Kids that are not attached do not know how to give and receive love. This was the first genuine display of her giving me love, which means she is beginning to attach. Praise the Lord!

Those darn very firm boundaries: I have to rely on every ounce of grace God can give me to impose them and I have to trust Him for how my kids will respond to them, especially knowing both the girls reactions can be incredibly difficult to deal with. But, guess what? They are working. Even after the horrible episode two Wednesday's ago there was a difference in my daughter afterward . . . in several small ways she was more affectionate than ever before. And after yesterday afternoon, another increase in genuine affection. Granted, it is very small, but it is big progress in the right direction from my perspective. THANK. YOU. JESUS.

And while enforcing very firm boundaries causes responses from my girls that that the enemy wants me to fear, the reason the boundaries work is because kids, like my daughters, who have been left to be in control of their entire lives (making sure they got fed, were kept safe, slept, etc.) will only trust and attach to a mom who is STRONG and not going to let them get away with their control games. I'm learning all of this from "When Love is Not Enough." Nancy Thomas says that a doormat mom makes her kids feel like they are the dirt under the door mat. Ouch! Kids from hard places know that if they can cause mom to cave and back down then they have more power than her and she is not a mom they are willing to trust and attach to. So while they hate the firm boundary (like any child), it makes them feel safer, which enables them to trust.

The problem is that often I do not feel strong. In fact last night after the rage, I felt so incapable of being the strong, firm-boundary-setting mom that my daughters need me to be. Fear is my biggest weakness and every day the enemy throws his darts at my weakness. He tempts me to fear how my girls will respond so that I will back down. Last night I was feeling so weary from the battle. I honestly didn't know if I could bear the battle with fear and anxiety. I wanted to throw in the towel. I tried to tell God that He picked the wrong woman for the job. But, God's Word prevailed. He was faithful to restore my soul and prepare me for a new day of setting firm boundaries and giving lots of nurture. I went to bed at complete peace.

And this morning when I woke up here is what I read in my "Jesus Calling" devotional:

Keep your eyes on me! Waves of adversity are washing over you, and you feel tempted to give up. As your circumstances consume more and more of your attention, you are losing sight of Me. Yet I am with you always, holding you by your right hand, I am fully aware of your situation, and I will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able to bear.

And in Psalm 31:7-8 (just what I "happened" to be reading):

I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul. You have not handed me over to the enemy but have set my feet in a spacious place.


Jesus, thank you for showing up for me every hour of every day and continuing to carry me. This task You have called me to is so incredibly beyond my capacity. I am so thankful that your strength is perfected in my weakness because my weakness is so great. Thank you for your Word that speaks directly to my soul. Teach me to walk in it every minute of the day. 

Little Life Moments

Sometimes it is just the very little things that God uses to bring joy into my day. Like the way Abram was holding his adult-size mug of hot chocolate yesterday morning. He was tapping his fingers on the side of his cup and looked like an adult in a miniature body. I loved every second of it!

 Isaiah's smile always makes me smile.

 Yesterday the boys had finished their lunch and gotten up from the table. I was cleaning up in the kitchen while the girls were finishing their lunch - leftover fish, spinach and fu-fu (Congolese food) from the night before. They were so happy and having so much fun (notice their arms intertwined) that I just had to get my camera out to capture the moment. No matter how hard things are at times, I don't want to forget these ordinary life moments when they are so happy and content. 

If my camera would have worked, I would have pictures from our sledding outing this morning to add to this post. The kids were SO excited about the snow, of course. God gave me the grace to be a fun mom this morning take them sledding after breakfast (knowing the snow would be melting soon). Fun is not my forte to begin with, not to mention going outside in the snow to "play." But, like I said, God gave me a good dose of grace to be willing do just that this morning. And I am so glad He did. First, just to see the beauty of God's creation was amazing. Zoe kept saying, "it is bee-u-tee-ful!" (that is the way she says the word - love it!). The girls also said a number of times that it looked like Narnia outside. Watching the girls each pull a boy in a sled three blocks to the hill we went to filled my heart with joy. It was a fun morning.

I feel like I am walking around in a bit of a fog this week so I was especially thankful for these little moments of joy the past two days.

Eye Contact

There are a bunch of things we need to start implementing from "When Love is Not Enough," but we are holding off until Jason can finish the book and we can move forward with a unified effort. Until then, my number one main goal each day with my kids right now is EYE CONTACT.

I'm learning from Nancy Thomas just how important eye contact is for kids who are not yet attached or trusting. This applies to any child who has just been adopted, not just a child who you later realize is dealing with attachment issues. In fact, this is one thing I wish I would have known before our kids came home so I could have started it from day one. None of our kids would/could look us in the eyes, which I was not surprised by. But, I let that be the norm for the first four months, thinking that they would look at us when they were ready or able to. NOT SO!

Here is what I'm learning about how important eye contact is:


'Eye contact' is not just looking at your child. It is the reaching into their soul with your eyes - rested, loving, powerful eyes that say to your child, 'You're okay. You have me...' This telegraphs into the child's mind as, 'I'm okay.' You will reinforce this message to your child over and over, throughout the day, throughout life.


Eye contact is POWERFUL - even very brief eye contact. Eye contact is an expression of love as well as a weapon. You must be very conscious of how you are using eye contact. Keep it soft and loving. One brief look of daggers from your eyes can undo weeks of work.


If you are tired, exhausted, or angry and look into your child's eyes, the message you send is 'What am I going to do with you?' Your child will think, 'Mom doesn't know what she is doing. I have the power.'

The last statement helps explain why the number one step in Nancy Thomas's book is for parents to take care of themselves and be well rested!

This morning I had all the kids downstairs playing as I was working on some laundry. Our basement is unfinished with just framing up between the rooms. I was standing in the laundry room behind the counter and Zoe and I started playing "store." She would come to the "window" and ask me for things to buy and I would go find something to pretend with. We did this for a long time and it was such a great way to have tons of smiling eye contact and positive interaction in one chunk of time (with four kids that is not always possible). I didn't think up this game or make a plan to do it. This was totally God coming through for me, people! I have been crying out for God to help me make the most of opportunities to show nurture to my kids because without nurture there is no trust, without trust there is no attachment and without attachment there is no healing.  I'm starting at the beginning, praying for opportunities for lots and lots of nurture with the kids.

Then we went to the park before lunch. Isaiah asked for lots of under-doggies on the swing. Each time after I pushed and ran under him, I turned around and gazed into his eyes as long as he would let me. Another awesome opportunity for good chunks of eye contact. God is so faithful!

Meals and snack time are the set times that I especially work on eye contact. I don't always get a lot of it (yet), but I am training myself to be available for eye contact (even with Abram) as much as possible. Incorporating the provision of good food, along with eye contact is a powerful combination for attachment.

Lastly, Nancy Thomas reiterates something about eye contact several times throughout her book:

Every minute you spend looking lovingly into your child's eyes will save you about an hour of pain when they're teenagers.

Now that is good advice for any parent!

Some MLJ Adoption Stats

I've been meaning to post this article from our agency's blog ever since I read it. I already loved MLJ Adoptions and knew they are doing a great job, but Jason and I were both surprised at all that went on through the agency in 2011 and the astounding growth. A fun read if you are interested!

Resources

I went back and found an older post I did that compiles quite a few of the resources that I have found to be most helpful. I amended it slightly below.

Resources for Adopting Kids from Hard Places

I’ve been working on a list of resources for adopting kids from hard places (internationally or from foster care). It is not exhaustive, but it is made up of the top resources I have found in the past several months. Here are the statistics (from Dr. Karen Purvis) about kids from hard places transitioning into families: 1/3 of children adopted from hard places make a seamless transition into their new home, 1/3 of children have significant issues and the last 1/3 of children have intense issues transitioning to their new home.

Here is the reality: At the very least, any child being adopted from overseas has likely:

1) experienced a lack of food/starvation

2) had parents either leave them or they have had to leave their parents to be adopted

3) left everything they have ever known to be familiar to them (even if they were ‘bad’ 

circumstances from our perspective, they were still familiar)

These events happen to nearly EVERY child adopted internationally, no matter what their age (except for newborn infants who have care from birth and are then adopted). These events are traumatic. There is a lot of loss and grief these kids will experience. In addition, every child is going to have to deal with the issue of attachment to varying degrees; they also have to adjust to new parents and learn to function in a new family – or maybe the first family they've ever been a part of. Add to all this the possibility of having bonded with a foster parent and leaving them, having a parent leave them in the street to fend for themselves, witnessing fighting, abuse, murder, experiencing physical and/or sexual abuse and you can begin to see why kids who are adopted from hard places will have significant trauma that their parents will have to help them through.

Parents adopting kids from hard places can’t to bring these kids into our homes, give them the love we have to offer, parent them like we parent our children who have been with us since birth and expect that they will be fine. It is not fun to think about, but it is reality. And this reality can be incredibly overwhelming. Trust me, I have cried many tears over this. There were about four Sunday church services in a row last fall that I bawled like a baby, grieving and crying out to God about these things. There is nothing that has made me long for and depend on the power of God like the thought of adopting kids from a very hard place. In addition to the grace and power of God, there are two main things I have learned (from Dr. Karen Purvis at empoweredtoconnect.org) in my preparation that have helped me the most when I begin to feel overwhelmed about the challenge of parenting kids from hard places:

1. Parents who have a realistic perspective about how difficult it can be to parent kids from hard places will experience more success and joy in parenting than parents who have an idealistic view of what it will be like to bring these kids into their home. An idealistic view involves thinking “we have so much love to give a child,” “when they come home it will be wonderful,” “our child will be so happy and thankful we adopted him.” Being as realistic as possible about the difficulties that lie ahead is very important.
2. Dr. Karen Purvis has said if parents use the tools available to help parent kids from hard places, she has never seen a child not progress to their full potential later in life.

With this said, below is a list of books, blogs and more that I have found to be the most helpful. I also put my own commentary after each one to give more description about why it is on the list. Most of them are on this list because they have been recommended by a number of people. Some I have read, some I have not yet read. My goal in compiling this was to have as many of the resources I may need in the future handy and available. I actually have many more on a longer list, but I’m posting what I think are the main important resources. This also includes therapists. I know that may sound scary, but again, I’ve done enough reading to know that it is quite likely that one or more of our kids could need adoption-specific therapy or other treatment. I’m not planning on taking our kids to therapy as soon as they get here, but it makes me feel better to know that I know who I can call if I need to down the road.

BOOKSThe Connected Child (Dr. Karen Purvis, et. al.) If I had only one book to read to help me prepare and to refer to when my kids come home, it would be this one.

Wounded Children Healing Homes (Schooler, et. al.) Not quite as practical as “Connected Child” but my second favorite book in preparing to adopt kids from hard places.

Attaching in Adoption (Deborah Gray) I started reading this book, but decided it would be better to read after the kids come home and I know the specific attachment issues we are dealing with because it is very in-depth.

Nurturing Adoptions (Deborah Gray) I am planning to read this after the kids come home as well.

Building the Bonds of Attachment: Awakening love in deeply troubled children (Daniel Hughes) I got this book from the library last week, but then found out the author is doing a webinar through Adoption Learning Partners on March 8th (see below), so I signed up for the webinar and took the book back to the library.

Theraplay: Helping Parents and Children Build Better Relationships Through Attachment-Based Play (Jernberg & Booth) I am really looking forward to reading this book. I like the concept of using play as therapy and look forward to learning more about how we can do that.

The Boy Who Was Raised As a Dog (Bruce Perry) This book is not about adoption, but rather about how the brain is affected by trauma. It is not a necessary read for most people, but it is probably one of my favorite books I’ve read EVER (I was a psychology and sociology major, what can I say?)! It is incredibly fascinating and lays the foundation for understanding why kids end up acting the way they do after they’ve had traumatic experience(s). Trauma literally changes brain chemistry. The good news is that there are ways to “re-wire” the brain through treatment, therapy and appropriate parenting techniques.

When Love is Not Enough (Nancy Thomas) For parenting a child with RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder), but there is good, good stuff in there that would be helpful to know for anyone adopting, in my opinion.

Parenting with Love and Logic (Cline & Fay) I don’t have much to say about this book, but have seen it recommended by a number of sources.

Inside Transracial Adoption (Steinberg & Hall) “Transracial adoption” refers to adopting a child of a different race than yourself and your spouse.

I’m Chocolate, You’re Vanilla: Raising Healthly Black and Biracial Children in a Race-Conscience World (Wright) Another book about the issue of transracial adoption.

BLOGShttp://www.onethankfulmom.com/ This is my all-time favorite blog for Christ-centered adoption information. It is an adoptive mom who simply shares what she is learning, the issues her adopted kids face, etc. Most of my book recommendations have come from her.

http://gatheredfromafar.com/ This adoptive mom does a great job of sharing what life looks like after adopting three girls (I think they were adopted as toddlers or a little older). It has helped me get a better picture of what life might look like for us. She is also a believer.

OTHER RESOURCEShttp://empoweredtoconnect.org/ (Dr. Karen Purvis) I’ve shared this website on my blog before. It is PACKED with incredible resources. I have looked at many of them, but decided to wait to use this as a resource once our kids get here (instead of reading everything on it now).

7 Gifts & 7 Insights Video Series (by Empowered to Connect) If there was just one resource on this entire post that I recommend the highest it is this. It is a series of 17 short videos by Dr. Karen Purvis. We were required to watch this video series by our agency and I am so glad we did. There is also a study guide that can be downloaded to go along with it. This video series is the nuts and bolts of what every family must know about adopting kids from hard places.

Healthy Touch (Texas Christian Institute of Child Development) This is a DVD that I have about the importance of using touch/massage with children to help bond with them. Touch is a powerful tool that parents can use to help their kids bond and attach.

Adoption Learning Partners This site offers an extensive variety of online courses to help prepare for adoption. We watched “Food for Thought,” which helped us learn about how to help our kids catch up from being malnourished. I am also going to watch "Connecting Your Family, Inside and Out" by Daniel Hughes in a couple weeks. Most courses cost around $15.

Adoptive Families Magazine This is a great magazine and is available at the Ames Public Library (or you can buy a subscription). Each issue covers a number of important adoption topics. I used to get it shortly after Abram came home, but found it not as helpful for a domestic newborn adoption (there aren't as many post-adoption issues to deal with in an infant, domestic adoption). I need to start looking at it again because I know it will be very helpful now that we are adopting three kids from Africa.

NUTRITION These are the best two websites I've found to help parents know how to help kids nutritionally who have been malnourished.

http://www.adoptmed.org/

http://adoptionnutrition.org/ (The Spoon Foundation)

Unfailing Love

"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul." (Psalm 143:8)


After a hard time trying to sleep last night, God was so faithful to renew my heart and spirit this morning and show me the way I should go, specifically in parenting my daughter who had a rough time. The enemy would have me cower in fear and loosen up my expectations for my daughter so as to avoid the conflict and hard stuff that may come. That would be settling for less than her full healing. I wrestled with all this yesterday and last night. God is teaching me so much. Primarily that I need to obey Him in parenting her and trust Him for what that might bring about. Surrendering to do that has given me so much peace. I am feeling much more normal today and am so thankful! I know much of that is a direct result of so many of you praying for us. We are so incredibly grateful for your prayers. As in . . . I'm not sure we would make it if so many people were not praying for us! In addition to praying for our daughter (and our other kids who still have a lot of healing needed in their hearts), please pray for me to parent out of faith and obedience and not out of fear.

Getting to hang out with some GOOD friends last night (on the calendar for two weeks - God's timing was so perfect!) also helped me a great deal because I was able to share and process much of what happened on Wednesday. Not to mention just being with good friends . . . that always does a heart good!

I wanted to post part of an email Jason sent to the elders of our church (so that they could pray for us). It is so insightful into the spiritual battle of adoption and orphan care:

The plight of a (former) orphan has to be one of the worst effects of sin and evil in this world. They were impoverished, abused, neglected, shamed, and abandoned to defend themselves and all the while being deceived that it was all their fault...then even when partial redemption has come (through adoption), they continue to suffer the effects of being an orphan and have the twisted thinking and feeling that on some days it would be better to be an orphan again (this has been expressed multiple times) or worse. 


Also, I need to recant something I said yesterday in my post. I said, "All the extreme, scary stuff might not end up applying to you (especially if you are adopting younger kids). But, then again, it might." A friend of mine who has also adopted commented on that and wisely said,


I would encourage parents adopting any child of any age to have a broad perspective on the challenges of babies/children from hard places. There's no security that adopting a younger child won't have RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder). The unattached child's disconnect comes from unfulfilled needs as infants. 


So true. In total honesty, I put the part about younger kids in parentheses because I was trying to soften the blow and not freak people out (I know I can sometimes come across that way)! But, the reality is that most of the indescribable pain in orphans - and therefore bad behavior that we see as parents - comes from their needs not being met the first three yeas of life.

Do not lose heart, though. Just start reading "The Connected Child" or "When Love is Not Enough" or a number of other great resources out there. AUnsk God to prepare you. Follow blogs of parents who are parenting kids from hard places (I guess you are if you are reading this!). That is why I try to be so honest about the good, the bad and the ugly. I was prepared so much through following a few families who did the same. The more prepared you can be ahead of time, the less life will feel like a "crisis" when hard times come.

Pictures

Isaiah got his hair cut last weekend. Not a happy time for him, despite the sucker.

 The ever-fashionable Zoe!

And speaking of fashion, she did something amazing yesterday. She had two pair of socks that had holes in them (she wears out socks like crazy!). In the morning I said we could throw them away and she said, "use for baby." Great. Yesterday morning she scrubbed them with soap by hand, rinsed them and dried them on the towel rack. After lunch she finished drying them with my hair dryer. Shen then asked for my sewing kit. While I was blogging during rest time, she CUT. AND. SEWED. BARBIE. CLOTHES. OUT. OF. HER. SOCKS. WHAT?!?!?!?!? I seriously about fell over when I saw what she did. 

Because here's the deal . . . I stitched up a tear in her barbie's dress in her presence once. I showed her how to thread a needle and tie a knot a the end of the thread. And then as I was sewing it I was thinking, "I should really be showing her how to do this. This would be a great training opportunity." But, I didn't! 

 I asked her yesterday if she learned how to do this in C and she looked at me like I was crazy. She just  figured it out on her own - something she has had to do a lot of in her life. This last picture below is of the back sides. I was trying to show that not only did she sew all the way down the back of the dresses, on all but one of the four outfits, she sewed the seam on the INSIDE. Even on the shorts she cut and sewed for the boy doll. 

There is some serious brilliance inside of that girl. 

 The boys have been doing a lot of driving in the basement this week. Zoe has fun pushing and swinging them around in their cars, too. Today we took their tricycles to the basement and they did all kinds of fun things, including taping little cars to their trikes . . . while I was sitting on the steps with Claire, putting extensions in her hair.

 A photo courtesy of Zoe. How I love Isaiah's eyes.

 Just a typical day in the play room.

Bath pictures are always my favorite!

We Survived Yesterday

If you were on Facebook yesterday, you know a little about our day yesterday. It was definitely the hardest day since the kids came home and possibly the hardest day of my life to this point.

I can't give the details, but I had to call Jason to come home ASAP from Des Moines in the morning and at one point I texted him to drive faster. It was an ENORMOUS spiritual (not to mention emotional, physical and mental) battle for about 3.5 hours with one of our daughters. It was traumatic for me, left me exhausted and with knots in my stomach, and I'm still recovering.

The good news is that I understand what was going on, for the most part.

I'm learning A LOT from a new book called, "When Love is Not Enough" (Thomas), a book about parenting kids with attachment problems (yes, that includes one, if not both our daughters . . . I am working on a blog post with more on that and the book). Here are some of the factors, from my perspective, that contributed to the event and aftermath of yesterday:

"At the core of the unattached is a deep-seated rage, far beyond normal anger . . . born of unfulfilled needs as infants. Incomprehensible pain is forever locked in their souls, because of the abandonment they felt as infants."

"In response to neglect or abuse, they came to believe that they are bad, unlovable people who don’t deserve our tender, loving care." (From an article and blog post I did a few weeks ago.) Dr. Karyn Purvis says that most kids from hard places have a shame-core the size of Texas.

Lastly, based on "When Love is Not Enough," I have been increasing my level of "being in charge" with the girls (which naturally decreases their control) and increasing nurture with them. I have been giving them tons more loving eye contact (when we are eating at the table and otherwise), many  more hugs and the big one is that Tuesday night I rocked each of them, while they sucked on a carmel. (More on that in an upcoming post.)

Chances are my daughter started to think (after more nurture and especially the rocking with sugar the night before), "that feels good" but quickly realized, "ah-oh! If I let in these good feelings of closeness with my mom, I will lose her" (because her past has taught her that's what happens). That, along with having an incredibly negative view of herself  and realizing she was losing some control created a perfect storm.

Not to mention that everything that happened was straight from the pit of hell. Jason commented a number of times about how EVERY step and aspect of adoption is war. Satan HATES orphans being placed in families and will do anything to destroy that from happening. "Adoption is not charity, it is war." (author unknown)

Because I understand what is going on from the reading I've done - and from my CA friend's help, I know what happened is somewhat "typical" given our daughter's history (sure didn't look or feel "typical"!). If God had not prepared us the way He did, we would be sitting in shambles today, questioning how we would go on as a family. I'm incredibly grateful for God's grace in preparing us the way He has.

So, if you are planning to adopt, can I just say this (not that I haven't said it in the past!):
Read. Prepare. Learn about what is going on inside the heads and hearts of kids from hard places. Understand what you are getting into. All the extreme, scary stuff might not end up applying to you (especially if you are adopting younger kids). But, it might happen. And you will be so thankful you are not trying to figure out what just happened in the midst of a traumatic event.

I'm thankful to be able to report that our daughter is doing great today (and was doing great yesterday after the hard stuff ended). But, the fight for spiritual freedom for her soul, the fight for her being able to trust me and the fight for her attachment to me (all part of the same battle) are long from over. Please pray that God would do this work in her heart and that He will give us abundant wisdom to do our part.

This morning we were listening to the Esmerelda CD (like we often do) and my daughter was just singing along (like she always does). Here is what she was singing: "God hears the broken. God hears the cry of their heart. Sorrow and suffering, He sees. He sees me." I wanted to fall on the floor and sob. As she sang, I begged God to make those truths realities in her heart. How I long for her to know that He SEES her and all of her sorrow and suffering.

Isaiah 61:1-3 sums it up pretty well.

¹ The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, 
   because the LORD has anointed me 
   to preach good news to the poor. 
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, 
   to proclaim freedom for the captives 
   and release from darkness for the prisoners, 
² to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor 
   and the day of vengeance of our God, 
to comfort all who mourn, 
 ³ and provide for those who grieve in Zion— 
to bestow on them a crown of beauty 
   instead of ashes, 
the oil of gladness 
   instead of mourning, 
and a garment of praise 
   instead of a spirit of despair. 
They will be called oaks of righteousness, 
   a planting of the LORD 
   for the display of his splendor.


We trust God to do this work and look forward to the day that our daughter displays HIS SPLENDOR.

Oh, Lord Jesus, please let it be!

Blog Post for MLJ

After I kept writing Sonja, at our agency, about all the wonderful things our girls were telling us about how they were cared for in foster care and by the MLJ staff in C, she asked me to write a post for MLJ's blog. The post is called "The Benefits of Foster Care in C." You can read it here.

I waited until now to post it because she included (with our permission) the referral pictures of our kids. I wanted to post them on my blog myself first, which I did yesterday.

The Girls: THEN & NOW

I feel like I have to take a deep breath before I begin this post . . . for reasons I can't really put words to right now. Maybe by the end of the post I'll have some words to describe my feelings. 

I'm posting the girls' "then" pictures together because we received many pictures of them together, they are always together and well, its just hard to think of one of them without the other. :) 

August 2010 - Claire's referral picutre

This is the picture that is hardest for me to look at/think about/process. I think you will agree that it looks nothing like the Claire we know now. NOTHING. When we received her referral picture the agency said she was 5 1/2 years old. We knew she was probably a little older than that. It is insane to think that she was probably really around 10 years old at that time. Obviously, she was very malnurished.

We received this picture a little later.

This is the referral picture we received of Zoe, saying she was six years old. 

She looked about the size of our niece, Mya, who was six years old at that time, too. So, six years old seemed pretty reasonable. (Even though we had in mind to adopt two girls between 3- 5 years old. Ha! God's plans are so not our plans . . . and I'm thankful for that!)

November 2010

Claire

The girls are both wearing clothes we sent them and I am fairly sure they are both size 6 shirts. SIZE SIX! And look at Claire. She looks fairly young in this picture (almost younger than in her referral pictures). She looks like she could be six years old in this picture.

Here is the astounding part: one year later, November 2011 (home for a month), Claire was (and is) wearing size FOURTEEN. I'm not lying, people! Size FOURTEEN. Most of her size 14 clothes are getting to small as I type this. And she wears women's size 6.5 shoes! I think this is part of what makes her referral picture hard to look at . . . now knowing {about} how old she really is and how young she looks in her first pictures. (My best guess currently is that Claire is at least 12 years old and Zoe 10 now. But we still say 10 and 8 because the girls both talk about Claire being 10 and Zoe being 8. We'll have to cross that bridge later.)

Zoe

December 2010
Claire, looking more malnourished than in her referral picture. Perhaps she grew taller for a bit.

Zoe

January 2011
Claire

Zoe

February 2011

This was the first picture we received of the kids TOGETHER and something about seeing them together made them finally begin to feel like my children. 

April 2011
I LOVED seeing the girls together, interacting in this picture. 

And I disticntly remember thinking Claire's hand looked like the size of an adult hand. I wasn't sure if something was making it look out of proportion or not, but now I know that it was an accurate thought. I've already mentioned in a previous post that her hands are the same size as mine!

Claire

Zoe

May 2011
One of my favorite pictures EVER of the girls together.

Claire

Zoe

July 2011
It was fun to see another picture of them all together.

September 2011 

(The last pictures we received, 1-2 months before they came home)

Claire

At this point I realized all of the size 7-8 clothes I had for Claire were not going to be big enough so I reorganized their dresser (for probably the 5th time since we had received their referral pictures) to include size 10-12 for her. 

Zoe

Before I do the "then" and "now" comparison pictures, I want to share something pretty amazing God allowed us to receive. Over a month ago I became friends on Facebook with the mom of a boy adopted from C who our girls know. Shortly after, this woman said she was looking at a blog that has pictures from an orphanage in C a couple years ago and she came across this picture that she thought looked like our daughter. My heart started beating faster as I clicked my way to the picture:

When I saw it (and by the way that is not Isaiah that Zoe is holding) my stomach sunk, I wept and then I almost had to gasp for air. To see a picture of my daughter, who I had come to know and love - in a  "normal" day in her former life was something that can't be described in words. Once I gathered myself, I realized what a priceless treasure it was to get one more tiny piece of her life before she came to us - even as hard as it was to think about (some orphanages in C are good and some are bad . . . our girls' orphanage was not good). The picture must not have been taken too long before we were matched with Zoe because she looks similar size in her referral picture.

Which leads me to THEN:

And NOW:

I think what is so hard for me about seeing the girls and thinking about them before we were matched with them isn't - surprisingly - so much about all they have endured (because I am reminded of that daily when I see their survival behaviors). What kills me and makes me weep even as I type is this: 

What about all the others like them who haven't yet been taken care of by a family or adopted into a family? 

The girls' referral pictures represent the millions of orphans in the world. But, I now know those {former}orphans personally. I know their personalities, I know how they like to wear their hair, I know if they like ice in their water or not, I know how they laugh and I know what makes them cry. I know them.

143 million orphans are longing for just even one person to know them . . . so they can ultimately know that Jesus knows them. 

The fact that there are three less orphans in the world is something to praise God for to be sure. But, Jason and I have talked a number of times since the kids have come home about how adopting three orphans surprisingly does not make us feel like we have done anything to "help." It doesn't satisfy the God-given longing to care for orphans. Instead, it has only allowed us to be more aware of  and see deeper into the hearts of hurting, lonely and hungry children. 

I guess those are the words to describe what looking at the girls' "then" and "now" pictures is like. 

A Big Gathering

Saturday night we had a BIG C_ _ _ _  Party! 

All nine families from our church who are adopting from C or have already adopted were able to come, along with a C family who lives in Ames, a C student who goes to Iowa State and an Ames woman who is a missionary in C. Someone counted a total of 51 people! What an amazing thing God is doing in our community.

The picture is missing one family that had just left (bummer!) and Stephanie Loveland who took the picture. Thanks, Steph!

 "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."

Ephesians 3:20-21

Last Week in Pictures

Watching the Super Bowl

So sweet! Claire and Abram's relationship continues to grow. Several times this past week she picked him up and put him on her lap to read to him. Makes my heart happy!

 Wearing "nakeds" and playing "guitars" would probably sum up this last week for the boys.

 Thursday night we went to Kate's to hang out and eat dinner. The girls cleared the furniture so they could dance to music. Their dancing then turned into this . . .

 And then this . . .

(Brady, the only one missing, jumped in on the next round.)

Hanging out with my sister in her kitchen listening to loud laughter and shouts of happiness from all the kids playing together has got to be one of my favorite things on earth right now. Thankful for that gift this week.