The Weekend: Fun & Firm Boundaries

My dad and brother were in town this past weekend so that made for lots of fun, family time. Saturday night the kids had ice cream before they watched a movie. The way the four girls play together and have fun continues to be one of the sweetest gifts. 

The weekend was full of lots of good family time, but it ended yesterday late afternoon with another incredibly difficult, raging episode with one of the girls (as a result of me enforcing a consequence for something she chose to not do). It only lasted 20-30 minutes but left me absolutely racked with anxiety like I have never felt before. I think the unknown of how long these episodes will last and if/when she will snap out of them caused a mountain of anxiety within me. I know this is "normal" behavior to expect from older adopted kids with a past like our daughters', but knowing it is normal does not change the anxiety. While I was making dinner afterward, I prayed and meditated on Scripture. It is a whole new way of life I'm learning . . . to trust God in the middle of these excruciatingly difficult times.

She did snap out of it (like she has each time so far. . . we just don't have a long enough track record for me to feel confident she will always come out of it) and we had a good family dinner together. And remember the eye contact I wrote about last week? A few times at dinner, I noticed she tried to glance at me. I could read her face and I knew she was expecting me to look at her harshly for what she did. But, I did't. I tried to look into her eyes lovingly as much as I could to tell her she is OKAY. Even after a raging fit, I love her and she is OKAY. With my eyes I told her, you are going to be OKAY in this family. Your are going to be OKAY with me being your mom and with me being in charge.

She let me rock her after dinner last night and she sat in my lap longer than usual. Before bed she jumped on my lap in a fun way to say goodnight - which was more affectionate than before. And this morning I showed her the new socks I bought her yesterday (she has been asking for "strong" socks because she has worn holes in most of hers!). She was very happy when I showed them to her. I helped her take them out of the package and put them away. After we had them put away she said, "thank you," very genuinely and simultaneously reached over to me and gave me the biggest and first real hug she has ever given me. I hugged her for as long as she would let me and I had to fight back the tears the whole time. All the awful anxiety was worth it in that moment. Kids that are not attached do not know how to give and receive love. This was the first genuine display of her giving me love, which means she is beginning to attach. Praise the Lord!

Those darn very firm boundaries: I have to rely on every ounce of grace God can give me to impose them and I have to trust Him for how my kids will respond to them, especially knowing both the girls reactions can be incredibly difficult to deal with. But, guess what? They are working. Even after the horrible episode two Wednesday's ago there was a difference in my daughter afterward . . . in several small ways she was more affectionate than ever before. And after yesterday afternoon, another increase in genuine affection. Granted, it is very small, but it is big progress in the right direction from my perspective. THANK. YOU. JESUS.

And while enforcing very firm boundaries causes responses from my girls that that the enemy wants me to fear, the reason the boundaries work is because kids, like my daughters, who have been left to be in control of their entire lives (making sure they got fed, were kept safe, slept, etc.) will only trust and attach to a mom who is STRONG and not going to let them get away with their control games. I'm learning all of this from "When Love is Not Enough." Nancy Thomas says that a doormat mom makes her kids feel like they are the dirt under the door mat. Ouch! Kids from hard places know that if they can cause mom to cave and back down then they have more power than her and she is not a mom they are willing to trust and attach to. So while they hate the firm boundary (like any child), it makes them feel safer, which enables them to trust.

The problem is that often I do not feel strong. In fact last night after the rage, I felt so incapable of being the strong, firm-boundary-setting mom that my daughters need me to be. Fear is my biggest weakness and every day the enemy throws his darts at my weakness. He tempts me to fear how my girls will respond so that I will back down. Last night I was feeling so weary from the battle. I honestly didn't know if I could bear the battle with fear and anxiety. I wanted to throw in the towel. I tried to tell God that He picked the wrong woman for the job. But, God's Word prevailed. He was faithful to restore my soul and prepare me for a new day of setting firm boundaries and giving lots of nurture. I went to bed at complete peace.

And this morning when I woke up here is what I read in my "Jesus Calling" devotional:

Keep your eyes on me! Waves of adversity are washing over you, and you feel tempted to give up. As your circumstances consume more and more of your attention, you are losing sight of Me. Yet I am with you always, holding you by your right hand, I am fully aware of your situation, and I will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able to bear.

And in Psalm 31:7-8 (just what I "happened" to be reading):

I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul. You have not handed me over to the enemy but have set my feet in a spacious place.


Jesus, thank you for showing up for me every hour of every day and continuing to carry me. This task You have called me to is so incredibly beyond my capacity. I am so thankful that your strength is perfected in my weakness because my weakness is so great. Thank you for your Word that speaks directly to my soul. Teach me to walk in it every minute of the day.