November 30, 2011

We had an uneventful morning, which was a change of pace. I needed to be in Huxley at 10a to sign up for a new gym membership. (Exercising officially starts back up in my life tomorrow around 5:00a . . . I spent the past year training myself to get up before 5a to exercise because I knew when the kids came that would be my only time to exercise. Its time I get back on it!)

Since we were in Huxley, I asked the girls if they wanted to stop by Aunt Kate’s house for a little bit. They both said yes so we did. We ended up spending a surprising two hours there. Two wonderful hours for me, getting to hang out with my sister . . . AND see my kids do so well at her house. That was a HUGE blessing! Abram had a blast playing with Greysen and asked if he could stay. And the girls did very well. They were very content and seemed to enjoy the toys they found to play with. By the second hour they were playing with Sydney a little. Isaiah did great, too. At one point all six of the kids were sitting around the table eating popcorn (I made sure I was the one who served it to them). It did my heart good to see that. I’m sure Kate’s too.

At one point I asked Zoe if Claire had gone outside and she said, “Claire no outside.” I was almost shocked to hear her say that! And then I realized, “oh yeah, they really are going to be able to speak English some day." Life has had to go on without English. I accepted the huge language barrier at some point a few weeks ago and we have gradually worked our way up to being able to function at a basic level very well with our limited language. Because of all that, I’ve realized that there is part of my brain that thinks this is how the communication will be forever. So, when I heard Zoe say that broken English sentence I almost leaped with excitement getting a tiny glimpse of what it might be like someday to really communicate with them.

However, we are talking YEARS before the girls will be able to really speak comprehensive English. I think this was part of my freaking out about the language barrier in the first weeks. Our girls aren’t going to just “pick up English quickly” like I was expecting. At their older ages, it is going to take a long time (especially since we are keeping them home from school to help with attachment and trust and healing). But, fortunately, by the grace of God I am okay with that (at least this week!). They have the rest of their lives to learn English (and this is the best time to learn to trust and attach). A friend sent me a really interesting and helpful link about learning English as a second language which shed more light on the issue.

In other news I'm sure you are dying to hear, we are taking the kids to the infectious disease doctor in Des Moines tomorrow (to check for parasites, etc.), and I have personally collected two poop samples this afternoon for the appointment – only one to go! Sorry if that was too much information - you know I like to keep it real around here. Just trying to explain the whole thing to the kids was pretty funny. I haven’t ever mentioned the how open the topics of suba (pee) and sumba (poop) have been since the first day the kids got here. And with all the beans we were eating in the first weeks, let’s just say we had a very sinky house (and still do often!). Honestly, at times in the very, very first days, this topic provided the comic relief/ice breaker that we needed to make us all laugh together. So, having to tell them I needed them to poop, etc. wasn’t that big of a deal since they announce to us when they are doing it anyway. J

Out of nowhere before dinner, Zoe brought me the framed family picture we have and showed me that she wanted her hair like it is there (extensions with beads) for Christmas. I asked Claire if she wanted the same and she said yes. The girls are already greatly anticipating Christmas. It is really fun. I have been wanting to do some advent stuff with them, but most of what I saw is too complicated for my kids with little English. We decided to just read the Christmas story over and over, leading up to Christmas . . . maybe even have them act it out after a while, etc. And then tonight I got a message from a friend saying that she is giving me all the materials, along with the website, that she is using with her kids – making it SUPER easy for me to do with mine. In fact the stuff is in my mailbox right now she said. I cannot tell you the huge blessing this is to me. I am so excited. Once again, God provides through His church . . . it is so beautiful!

Tonight Jason and the kids listened to worship songs (around the computer in the kitchen) after dinner. And I was thankfully able to use that time by being in and out of the kitchen with them, but actually making a legitimate grocery list for the first time in 5 weeks and changing the laundry that I started but has been sitting in the washer for way over 24 hours (because I am trying to do it on my own like a big girl now!) and picking up some remaining Christmas decorations (stars) that I thought I would get hung in the front window (I finally just decided that what I have done is enough because I was tired of looking at them sitting there). It felt good to be able to do some housekeeping things that haven’t gotten done in a long time. If I had more time I would take a picture of my craft room to show you more evidence of the grace of God – in that it is a total pit. And you know how I love that room in all of its organized glory. But it is okay that it is a mess right now. IT IS OKAY. I just keep telling myself it is OKAY.

November 29, 2011

(Written last night but edited this morning to take out some detais because we have decided to not share so many details of what happened - which is hard for me because I am a detail person and I like to be honest – but it is the right thing to do.)

When Jason came home from work tonight he asked how I was doing and I said, “I am doing pretty well. Considering how the day went, I should not be doing as well as I am.” That is evidence of God’s divine power continuing to provide everything I need for this new life.

I had a very difficult time with one of the girls . . . a total of 3 hours worth of a difficult time today. Fortunately and even now, God’s grace has allowed me to feel compassion for her soul that is in turmoil. A lot of the stuff I read previously helped me to understand the immense amount of shame kids from hard places feel (on top of the shame from sin, which we all have). I so badly wanted to share the gospel today and let her know that Jesus died for her sin and shame. But, I couldn’t. So, as I sat there with her and rubbed her back, hugged her and loved her, I prayed the gospel over her and I prayed that God would show His unfailing love to her . . . that He would help her know she is treasured by Him . . . that He delights in her . . . that He created her in His image to bring Him glory. I am so powerless to do the work that needs to be done in her heart. But, our Lord can do it. (My friend has encouraged me to pray out loud for and over the kids and read Scripture over them, especially when they are having a hard time.)

All of this – my attitude toward her, the compassion I have for her, the fact that all three other kids were happily and contently playing/learning English when all of this was going on is nothing short of the power of God at work in my home. God is coming through for us each hour of the day!

I announced we were going outside after lunch and got huge cheers and high fives. We went to the little tiny park by my friend, Jill’s, house and spent an hour there (which is a long time for the girls to spend at a park when they aren't riding their bikes). All four kids went down the slide probably 50 times or more and LOVED each and every trip down. It is so awesome to see the girls – in moments like this - relive the younger years of their lives that they missed out on. Watching them swing the first couple weeks and now sliding . . . I can just see 4-5 year old girls in their eyes. A friend (the one who has given me loads of advice) I talked to today said that you cannot underestimate the healing that comes for older kids getting to play like preschoolers. That was encouraging to hear. And it is good for their bodies to have all that movement (that they likely never had). AND, I should say in my former life going outside in this weather to play would be about the last thing I would ever want to do. But, in my new life, bundling up to go outside in 30 degree weather is a wonderful gift. So thankful God has changed something in me with that. J A perk of going to that park was me getting to chat with Jill, who came out for a little bit.

Difficult behavior started again when we got home. But, my friend (from afar who I talked to on the phone today) had just got done telling me that this behavior comes out because she does not want to feel what she is feeling – the vulnerability of having to trust and obey. I read Psalm 16 over her as she laid on her bed this afternoon (here are verses 5-10a):

“Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance.

I will praise the Lord, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me. I have set the Lord always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.

Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure, because you will not abandon me to the grave . . .”

The boundary lines feel anything but pleasant to my girl (which is why I chose to read that Psalm over her). {I actually read this verse a lot the first few weeks when the boundary lines were not feeling pleasant to me.} When I read the last verse above, it stopped me in my tracks. The day that her BODY can REST SECURE will be monumental . . . It will be the day she TRUSTS that neither God nor her parents will abandon her. And oh, that “a” word found in that last sentence . . . it struck a deep place within me while reading this passage over my child who has had first hand experience with that word.

Onto more lighthearted things . . . I was amazed (and thankful) for how wonderfully the boys played together ALL DAY! Wherever one was, I was sure to find the other. A friend loaned us a second Little Tikes car (so Abram doesn’t have to ride on top and fall and cut his head open!) and they had a blast, each having a car to “drive.” Abram was going to Des Moines to the office. J

Claire helped me make a wreath, which was fun. I got a bunch of evergreen branches free when we bought our Christmas tree and wanted to make a wreath for the front door. I have never done that before, but hey, I’m HOME now. J Mom got me a wire template-thing to use for it. Claire also helped me make 2.5 batches of banana muffins before dinner . . . because since she loves them and ate the last two earlier today. Zoe improved her English score which was a highlight for her. And she finally found her little black dolls (a family of five and the dolls are smaller than Barbies . . . I found these online and bought them before the kids come home and she LOVES them) so she was back to being creative, playing with them the hour before dinner – which was wonderful!

I noticed today that Isaiah is understanding a lot more English. Hallelujah! While I was putting his p-pops on him I ran through the new scenario for bedtime (again after talking to my friend on the phone today). I told him I would give him milk and hold him for awhile and then put him in his bed. I said I would rub his face a little and then leave. And I told him he couldn’t get out of bed, that he needed to sleep in his own bed all night. He was totally tracking with my whole conversation and said, “okay,” a number of times. Woohoo!! After I gave him his milk, I ran through what was going to happen again. I laid him down and rubbed his face and could tell he was a little uneasy (he always scratches his head or chest or face when he is nervous/uneasy) but I told him repeatedly I am right here in the house and he can say my name if he needs anything. It is over an hour later and he fell asleep without any whining/crying. Wow! If he would have started whining, I would have gone to his door and told him that his is okay, I am right here, etc. and basically let him whine/cry it out like we did with Abram once we wanted him to sleep through the night. I feel good about this plan (at least for now) because I think we are past the initial stage with him. We’ll see how it goes in the coming nights.

I didn’t plan ahead of time to talk through the “scenario” with him, but as I was talking him through what was going to happen I remembered that Dr. Purvis highly recommends doing this. I know I should do it more with the girls during the day to help them know what we are going to specifically do. I think they understand enough English to at least try. I also think it would continue to improve their responses to my direction because it reduces anxiety. Need to work on that.

Often times when I go to bed I think of things that could be done better from the day, but fortunately I simultaneously hear the voice of my friend (same friend!) who said that learning to parent kids who are not attached is a huge learning curve (as is any kind of parenting for that matter). So, I keep that in mind and don’t get too bent out of shape. I just trust God that He will lead and guide me the next day. As you can see, He totally is. I almost feel like I’m having an out of body experience sometimes because most of the day it is not me doing what I am doing. God is doing it through me. I did expect parenting in this new life to be a lot about working out difficult issues like the ones I dealt with today. So, having that expectation has helped. And, again, having a very simple life and schedule allows me – by the grace of God - to spend a total of three hours on a day like today dealing with the distress of having been an orphan. I'm so thankful for God's provision and wisdom in all these things.

After dinner we tried a little family reading time and it went pretty well. Afterward while a couple kids were finishing brushing their teeth, Claire and Isaiah were in the kitchen looking at my computer. I have no idea what prompted me, but the thought of showing them them the pictures from Congo that are on Sonja’s (our agency program director) Facebook page struck me. They didn’t know most of the younger kids, but Claire knew most of the older ones, who were all boys (which to be honest, scared the life out of me!). There was one picture of a very dingy concrete space and she motioned that it was familiar. She was trying to come up with the word and I said, “orphanage?” She said yes. I said (thumbs up) good? Or (thumbs down) bad? She gave me a big thumbs down. Zoe came a little later along with Jason and we all looked at all the pictures again. I cannot even begin to express all of the emotions I had watching my children, standing in my kitchen, look at pictures of a horrible place they spent part of their life in. It is almost too overwhelming. But, out of that comes . . .

#6 Reason I’m thankful we adopted older kids: They can remember parts of their past and (once they can speak English) will be able to tell us (possibly, through God's grace). Though a potentially painful experience for them, their past is still a valuable part of their life story. Just even getting to see the girls point out the people and places they knew was a blessing (that younger kids would not able to do).

November 28, 2011

After our morning routine and helping the boys do their laundry J, all four kids played in the back room for about an hour. I decided to forgo the “schedule” and just let them play since we are transitioning back into real life today. The boys were playing (trains) very well together. Before the kids came I remember saying that once Abram gets over the adjustment he will love having a brother to keep him company while he plays and today I got to see it. And how I loved seeing it! I also cracked up when as he was playing he was telling his trains to say “I’m sorry.” Abram has gotten plenty of practice with those words over the past four weeks!

After the girls took baths, one of them wanted to wear shorts for the day. When I told her that she couldn’t (we were about to go run errands), she moved away from me and did her pout/fit thing. I made her sit on the bed as a consequence (which meant me physically dragging her to her bed) and went to her every five minutes to ask if she was ready to say, “okay, mom.” I also laid out two other options of pants for her. I probably went to her 6 or 7 times to see if she was ready to say, “okay, mom” before she finally said it. Each time I went to her, though, I knelt down and gently rubbed her back and her legs and tried to show her as much compassion as I could. I even prayed outloud for her once (and silently many times). During that half hour, each time I went to her and she refused to say, OKAY, I knew a battle was taking place in her soul. Though I couldn’t physically see it, my spirit (through the Holy Spirit) sensed it. The stronghold of “I’m the only one who can take care of me,” was being confronted. In the past she would not even let me sit near her or touch her during a time like this, so the fact that she let me try to comfort her in the midst of her inner turmoil was a HUGE baby step. She also had a few tears in her eyes most of the time, too. It was almost like a tiny part of her was starting to want to give in to me being her mom but that darn stronghold is not going to go down without a fight . . . which brings these verses to mind as I am writing this:

"The LORD will fight for you, you need only be still.” (Exodus 14:14)

“For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. (Ephesians 6:12)”

My role is to be still and let Jesus fight this battle for my child’s trust. And God totally provided the wisdom I needed to handle the situation the best I could. More than anything, He gave me peace and calm that has not always been there when I have to confront this child. He is indeed being faithful today to do what I trusted Him for last night (and this morning):

“His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness according to our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.” (2 Peter 1:3)

{I like this version better than the one I posted last night.}

He is providing all that I need!

I had a few more episodes similar to this with the same daughter before rest time. When she does not get her way (like with the shorts) and I set a boundary, she often will almost try harder to grasp for her way afterward. After lunch she had to sit on the bench for 10 minutes but she didn’t completely freak out about it like in the recent past. Shortly after that, I had to set another boundary and she started to turn to walk away and then decided to obey. HALLELUJAH! I could almost see in her face that she knew that I was serious about the boundary line and she knew she couldn’t win. So, there is a big victory for the day. I know there are many more battles to come, but I don’t dread them. Jesus will fight them and they are productive battles, moving us toward healing and trust.

Before we left for errands, I found Claire in the bathroom putting her hair in little poofs. I loved that she had the idea to do this and I thought it looked so cute. So, I gave her tons of praise and told her how much I liked it and that it was such a great idea. The look in her eyes was priceless. Let me see if I can try to describe it . . . I saw confidence in her eyes, perhaps the satisfaction of having a mom in her life to find pleasure in her. God created each of us to have parents to show us His love and pleasure (and discipline when we need it). Children from hard places, who most likely had parents who left them, can have a very hard time knowing they are valued and treasured. That is what I saw in Claire’s eyes . . . I saw that she saw I treasured her. And it was worth every heartache so far.

Rest time went well . . . all four fell asleep. I wrote Sonja, from our agency, and asked if there is anyway the girls could talk to Marie, the main attorney getting it all done in C. Every time the girls see a picture of Marie they put their hand up to their ear like they are talking on the phone . . . meaning they want to talk to her. This has happened a number of times so I decided to see if we could do it. Marie is headed back to Congo tomorrow so she ended up calling today, during snack time, which was perfect! And I cannot tell you the joy it brought to me – because it brought a lot of joy to the kids. You’ll see it in the pictures (when I am able to post them). What a wonderful gift from God today.

After that we bundled up and went to the park. A good friend is loaning us her double jogging stroller so we don’t look like quite the parade/circus doing down the street. We played at the park for about 45 minutes and then the kids played outside in the driveway for another 30 minutes. Claire road her bike up and down the sidewalk and the other three did a surprisingly great job of trading off with the other riding toys. It was a fun afternoon. After dinner we all played Chutes and Ladders at the kitchen table. Everyone enjoyed it (the little boys had cars so that kept them occupied in between spinning) - except for Zoe when she had to slide down the chutes. :)

It is a beautiful thing seeing a family starting to form around here. I’m feeling a lot less like there are just six people living under one roof (which is definitely how it felt in the beginning). Yes, there are still challenges and lots of lack of communication and lots of things to deal with now and down the road when we can explain things more. BUT, we are becoming a family . . . laughing together, crying together, forgiving one another, loving one another (the girls have started giving us hugs from time to time) the beginnings of serving one another (Abram threw Isaiah’s banana peel away for him and then later Isaiah helped Abram put his shoe on . . . incredibly minor details that were a big deal in my world today). I can already see how being home spending TONS of time tether with no where to have to be, as well as not having the kids be around others has contributed greatly to our family starting to form.

I am very thankful.

November 27, 2011

I tried to get Zoe to take her earring out or find the other one this morning, but she was not having it so I didn't push it. Going to church went great. We had been listening the last several days to several of the songs that we sang at church (thanks to Todd Wallace!) and it was fun to see the girls try to sing along a little. Actually one of the girls was sort of making fun of the other for trying to sing. It was a NEW thing so it might her a little uncomfortable, I think. I have read that you should only introduce one new thing at a time for kids from hard places and boy have I seen that to be true!

In addition the girls wanting to go, Jason and I love being able to go worship and also see friends (who are our family) even if we can talk much. Since we sit up in the family friendly area (because we are keeping Isaiah with us) we usually hang out up there after the service to miss the big crowd exiting. Today a couple people came and chatted with us which worked really well because the kids could walk around. (HINT: If you want to talk to us, come up there after the 9:00a service!) We also hung out with the Scotts a little at church afterward, which was really great. The girls seemed semi-happy to see “Scott” (aka Owen) and Claire even asked Maria to hold Gibson (which I loved seeing!). Seeing just five of the Congolese kids running around at church was such a wonderful sight. It made me excited when all 20 some of the Congolese kids being adopted can hang out together!!

Jason played the dime/dice game with the kids while I made lunch. Right before lunch, Isaiah was standing on the stool by the stove “helping” and I guess put the ladel in the soup in a way that made some of the soup splatter on him, causing six blisters on his chest and two little burn spots on his face. Poor guy.

The girls were begging to go outside after lunch and Jason took them even though it was really cold – and they were not wearing enough clothes. After the boys woke up from naps we did our weekly weekend family outing for ice cream. We also stopped by Target because I needed to get a few things. I was telling Jason about what I said in last night’s blog post about the way people look at me in stores with all four kids. And he knew just what I was talking about when he pushed the (semi-like) cart with the boys in the toddler seats, Zoe in the infant/toddler part of the cart and Claire standing on the end of the cart. We were again, quite the sight! Thankfully, I am okay with it now.

While I was tracking down hot chocolate, I lost Jason and the kids and then found them in the toy section. Great. The girls were begging for more Barbie dolls clothes. This is where being able to speak to our girls with more than, “no thanks,” would be incredibly helpful. Instead, we stood there and tried to explain that we don’t have money to just buy things like that whenever they want. Jason said, “do you want to eat or do you want that?” Of course they wanted the doll clothes instead of eating. J We headed to the check-out lanes with two girls with very bad attitudes and Isaiah whining because he saw something he saw that he wanted, too. As we were walking out of Target, I was reflecting on how the condition of my girls’ hearts was nearly identical to that of my own just this last week, wanting a different life than the one God is giving me. They wanted what they did not have. They were not content with having just been taken out for ice cream and given many other wonderful gifts this past month. When they are home, they are fine not having more doll clothes. But seeing all the doll clothes out in the world made them want it. Just like me. When I see other families out there in the world, I am tempted to want what they have and not be content with what I have. I almost chuckled walking out of the store thinking about the smile that must have been on God’s face knowing that He is teaching me just as much as we were trying to teach our kids in that moment.

The bad attitudes continued before, during and after dinner. One of the girls kept asking for a number of things to eat after she had already had her limit. She was still grasping for control, upset at not getting what she wanted. Fortunately, the girls asked me for Christmas lights for the little tree I gave them for their room and I was able to spend the next 30 minutes or so helping them put them up. They were very excited about the lights, especially since after putting them on the tree, we strung them along a couple walls of their room. It was a good time of connecting with them after the big disconnection earlier.

I am at nearing my wit’s end with Isaiah and his sleeping. I’m sending out an email to a couple of adoptive moms before I got to bed because I need HELP. I was back to holding him, but the last four nights after I give him milk, etc. he gets out of my lap and wants to go to his bed (or our bed). Last night I started laying him down in our room with more lights on because Abram likes to sleep with it very dark (we trained him to do that) but I’m pretty sure the darkness scares Isaiah. Isaiah has been waking up the last few nights in the middle of the night. Last night at 12:51a, he woke up, I took him to the bathroom as always and then sat with him in his room so he could go back to sleep. But, he was not going back to sleep. So, I took him to our room and put him on the floor right beside me. He still did his little whine/cry thing. So, after an hour of all this, I finally put him in bed by me and I got the worst sleep ever. This pattern can’t continue. I am willing to go the extra mile for bonding but at this point I’m not sure what that is. So I am turning to those who have gone before me, hoping they can help! Part of the problem is that he takes a pretty long nap. But, I don’t make him nap. I simply sit him on the bed with books and he falls asleep, which makes me think he is tired and needs the nap. Maybe I should wake him up after an hour. Might have to try that.

Going to bed early tonight so I can finally get up early and get back to my normal early morning routine. What a gift to have Jason home for FOUR days in a row. I imagine tomorrow will be tough, but I am trusting in this:

“His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.” (2 Peter 1:3)

He will give me everything I need to make it through tomorrow.

Someone must have taken this before church this morning (while I was straightening Claire's hair).
I tried to get a picture of Claire holding Gibson but he was on his way out of her arms. :) I love the smile on her face.
This is what I found when I went to check on Isaiah during his rest time/nap. Cutest picture ever!
The girls outside doing what they LOVE to do!
Here comes Zoe across the street.

Pictures

Eating popcorn (or copy-corn as Zoe calls it!) one night of Thanksgiving break.Little Mr. Cutie Pants helping Jason with the lights last night.
Abram's gash to the head. It looks a lot better here than in real life.
Isaiah was the attacher of the ornament hooks. This kid loves little detailed jobs like that. He would put on a hook and hand it to his sister over and over.
Claire went to work on the back side of the tree.While Zoe worked on the front.
Ta-da!
I put our six stocking holders up last night but didn't get out our stockings because I realized I didn't have any for the African kids. So, I bought three $1 stockings this morning that will do for now (until Grammy - the maker of all stockings in the family - can make one for each of them). They were quite content with them. Isaiah cracked me up with his:

As I was lying on the couch tonight holding Isaiah so he would fall asleep, I was looking at our Christmas tree, realizing it so symbolizes our life right now . . .

For one, it is FULL of ornaments (from the picture you cannot tell nearly how full it is). Much like how full our life now feels. And it is not very orderly. In fact, it is quite chaotic in places. In some spots there are two ornaments right up against each other. In my former life, this would have never happened - evenly spaced ornaments were a must! But, having two ornaments where only one should belong reminds me of how Zoe has been running around here for over a week with only one earring in and I haven't even cared. There are more important things going on in our family.

On my own, I would have never chosen to decorate my tree like this. But, surprisingly, I really, really love it and I think it looks beautiful, despite the chaos.

Sort of like my life right now.

November 26, 2011

It has been a good few days. I took a little break from blogging by watching a movie Thursday night and hanging out with the Wheelers last night. Yay! Thanksgiving day was good. It was so nice out so we spent a lot of time outside. The kids did well with Mom and Ed here for lunch. They were MUCH quieter than normal and one of the kids freaked out a little after lunch because they were here, but all-in-all I would say it was pretty “successful.” And, we didn’t even have rice (I was planning to make it but forgot. Good thing they loved the rolls I made).

I have mentioned that we are keeping to ourselves and away from even close family for a lot longer than expected. And the few, short times we we are around family, we have let them know their interactions with the kids need to look a lot different than normal. Here is the email that I sent to my mom and sister this past week:

I have mentioned that I would tell you more info about interacting with our kids. This is going to be hard to hear – and hard to do . . . it is hard for me to have to ask you to do. BUT, it is what will allow us, and you, to have good, healthy relationships with the kids in year from now.

Based on advice we got, it will be best if you don't give the kids hugs or even act excited/happy to see them. Just be pretty aloof with them, not giving them the time of day (so to speak). I know it sounds crazy. And I told you it would be hard to hear.

They need to attach to us and it is going to take awhile (1-2 years because of their older age). If they get warm, happy faces and hugs from you guys it will confuse them about who their primary attachment should be to. Should they attach to you, who every time they see you, you are warm and happy? Or to us, who a lot of times have to put structure/discipline in place (along with the warm/happy connecting)? It might be more fun to attach to you (in their minds). Not only that, but they will likely want to attach to you - and not us in the near future - because you are more "safe" (in their minds) . . . attaching to you would allow them the benefits of attachment without the responsibility of having to learn to trust you for their needs to be met. We are parenting them in a way that they need to trust us and that is going to get harder for them at some point before it gets better (if not, wonderful, but we are expecting it to get harder before it gets better).

I know you have a bunch of love and desire for relationship with them inside of you - and I'm very thankful for that. But the more you can use that love and desire to help point them to connect with us (and not you) and help us connect with them (as you are doing by helping in tons of ways), it will help us get to the end result - attachment to us - quicker. And keep in mind it is only a season. Once this season is over (probably a year, which I don't like hearing anymore than you do, I'm sure) and they are attached and trusting us, you will be free to 100% have a relationship with them.

This whole thing is probably one of the hardest parts of this new life for me because it is so totally not what we were expecting (or even thinking about).

Thanks for trying to understand. Love you both!
Jen

Mom did a great job of being here on Thanksgiving, but being very low key and not interacting with the kids much. And it didn’t seem awkward, which is good, too. Way to go Mom!

The last few days I have continued to process some issues in my heart. I think dealing with the difference of adopting “older” kids vs. “a lot older” kids was part of it (as I talked about in one of my last posts). But, there was more to it. I think I would be having a hard time even if the girls were 7 & 8 (the ages we thought they would be). Here is the ugly, honest truth of my heart: I was jealous of those who adopted or are adopting younger kids. I was jealous of all of the warm, fuzzy feelings that go along with adopting adorable little orphans (not that I don’t think my daughters are cute…in fact, I think they are incredibly beautiful…but I think you get the picture). Yes, families adopting cute little kids have to go through very hard times but those hard times are countered – to some degree – by how cute and adorable the kid(s) are because of their age (much like it is with a newborn baby). For example, in the grocery store, people don’t look at me like, “oh, look how cute those kids are.” No, they look at me like, “why on earth is your 9 year old daughter riding in your cart?!” (I’m over it now, but this was really bothering me last week.)

The truth is that I am a selfish, rotten sinner and my heart is wicked. I have been mad at God because His plan for my life included an adoption of older kids without the warm, fuzzy feelings. (Yes, Isaiah is cute and cuddly, but that gets overshadowed by the challenges of the girls a lot of the time.) And I'm a feeler, darn it. I want the warm, fuzzy feelings!

So, when I went running on Thanksgiving, I was able to think through why I so desperately wanted the warm, fuzzy feelings. God helped me see what I am really longing for is REDEMPTION. But, I want it now, on my terms, in the form of warm, fuzzy feelings – to make the challenges of my new daily life FEEL better. And God wants to teach me to wait for His redemption of our children’s lives. And this will most likely come in His way . . . the way of the cross – which means death to myself.

Jason wisely said that even though there is hope after death, the process of dying is still painful and hard. So, I am learning to die. Learning to pick up my cross daily and follow Christ in His death. These verses came to mind while I was still running:

“Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it. What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit their very self?” (Luke 9:23-24)

I hate that it takes no time at all to fall back into seeing life from my own, selfish, tainted perspective. I so desperately need God’s grace to see from His perspective – to see that He is giving me the privilege of learning to love four children like Jesus loves. He is giving me the privilege of getting to be part of His story of redemption and glory in the lives of three orphans. And there is a lot of ME that needs to DIE in order for that to happen. I’m thankful God helped me process through all of that and come out with a much more peaceful, thankful heart. He is faithful!

Yesterday Jason took the boys to run some errands and when he came back, he handed me the book, “Kisses from Katie.” He went and bought me that book because he thought it would help me endure during this time of life. What a great husband! I have mentioned Katie’s blog before on my blog. Her life is incredibly inspiring and she recently wrote a book about it. And just a few pages in, it is definitely a great book for me to read right now. It is helping me see more from God’s perspective and less from my own.

Until yesterday I had zero plans of decorating or doing much of anything for Christmas this year. But, the girls have been asking a lot about “pen-o-wen” (whatever that is) and since we had three more days of the Thanksgiving break with not much to do but stay home, we decided yesterday, why not decorate for Christmas! While Jason took the girls on an errand yesterday during nap time, I got out the Christmas decorations and put them on the kitchen table for them to see when they got home. I was almost giddy getting to do this. I loved it! We also decided to go get a real tree since it was something fun we could do as a family. When we told the girls in the afternoon we were going to get one, Zoe starting singing, “Christmas tree, Christmas tree” over and over while dancing a little jig in the kitchen. They were excited! I have thoroughly loved decorating for Christmas. I’ll have to post a picture of the tree. I let them decorate it themselves and it is loaded (I constrained myself to only move a few ornaments)!

Thankful reason #5 for adopting older kids: Having fun and making memories decorating for Christmas together. I have been reliving my childhood days of decorating for Christmas with my mom and sister. Those are some of my favorite memories.

I did quite a bit of baking yesterday (another batch of sweet potato rolls because the girls LOVED them, banana muffins and granola). Jason and I have recently been talking about how – although there are a lot of challenges of this new life - we both are enjoying the simplicity of it. Like getting to bake a lot because I am HOME. Decorating for Christmas because we are HOME. Making applesauce with the girls the other afternoon because we are HOME. Going to the park with the kids everyday because we don’t’ have anywhere else to go. In my former life, I would run to Target or anywhere else whenever I wanted to and I thought I would miss that. But, surprisingly I don’t (at least so far). Besides Jason going to work, we don’t have to hurry anywhere. And having lots and lots of family meals together has been so wonderful and provided great times of bonding.

This morning I ran some errands by myself (yay!). On my way home, Jason called to tell me that Abram fell and cut his head pretty badly. Of course he did. We couldn’t go another month without an Abram injury around here! Jason took him to the doctor to make sure it didn’t need stitches and he didn’t, thankfully. In other Abram news, he finally chewed his gum for a couple hours or so without swallowing it – which is a big accomplishment. Both of these things made me want to call Abram’s Tia Leti in Texas. Abram and I left a message and she called back a little later. Abram talked to her for one of the first times. He told her that he “bonked his head.” It was so wonderful to talk to her and it leaves me with a mix of emotions knowing Abram has a wonderful birth family in Texas who we can talk to and our other kids . . . we will have no connection with them this side of heaven. I am okay with that but I know this will be a reality we will all have to work through in the future.

Having Jason home for three days in a row has been a dream for me. And still, one more day to go. Instead of dreading Monday coming, I’m trying to look forward to approaching it with the new perspective God has given me.

I'll finish with a funny glimpse into our world: One of Zoe’s earrings had been hurting her ear sometime over a week ago. So, I took it out and put peroxide on it for a couple days. But, she didn’t take the other earring out and as of today (way over a week later), she still is wearing just one dangly earring! It is little details like this that just don’t even make it onto my radar these days (especially since we don’t really go anywhere). As Jason was reading the Bible to the kids tonight I was sitting still long enough to look at her and I thought, we have got to take care of that (hopefully before church tomorrow)!

Well, this is long enough. I have been writing it a little at a time over the past few days. Looking forward to going to church tomorrow.

More Pictures

If only Isaiah didn't know I was taking the picture.Typical Isaiah . . . just hanging out with Zoe Mujinga as she plays.
This is how the boys watched part of the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade this morning.(The laundry baskets were in the living room because I actually did our laundry by myself today! Mom has still been doing much of it. The girls do their own on one day of the week, with my help; and I even have the boys help me do theirs on a separate day. I really like keeping the girls/boys/our laundry separate. It makes for much less sorting.)

Today Isaiah woke up from his nap crying (and wet, which explains why he doesn't have pants on, I was in the middle of changing him - I think he got scared when he woke up). I could tell he just needed held so I held him and was surprised that he fell back to sleep. Clearly I feel asleep as well since I am pretty sure I didn't start out with my face totally smashed against his. :)

Zoe Mujinga took a bunch of pictures tonight. I had to post this one

because it is such a typical moment in our new life . . . After dinner. In the middle of doing dishes/cleaning up the kitchen. Isaiah found some balloons to play with. Zoe is playing with the camera. And I am trying to figure out what the girls were trying to tell us at dinner so I've got the couldn't-live-without-it-Lingala-dictionary out showing the word for "understand" to Claire Muad. The girls kept asking us about something having to do with "Jingle Bells" (they would say "Ben-o-wen, ben-o-wen" to the tune of Jingle Bells). They started doing this after they saw some Christmas decorations on the neighbor's house shortly before dinner. I finally had to look up the word "understand" and try to tell them that we do not understand what they are asking about "Ben-o-wen" so we can't answer if they can do it tomorrow or not!

After "Lion King" had just started tonight. They were loving it.

I went to the store while they watched the movie because we only had two eggs left! I enjoyed getting out by myself. I did some crying the car in the Walmart parking lot, I talked to my sister while I was in Walmart and I talked to my best friend from college on the way home. All-in-all, a good little getaway for me. :)

While I was sitting in our driveway talking , the movie got over and all four kids came out the front door in their p-pops (a very cute sight!). By the time I got in Zoe had the camera out again and took this picture.

#4 Reason to be thankful for adopting older kids: There are actually pictures of Mom (and Mom and Dad together) because the kids can take them!