November 16, 2011

November 16, 2011

So thankful for the hour to myself this afternoon . . . I need it today! It has been a long day already and it is only 1:43p. The kids were all very happy to see their dad this morning after not seeing him last night. The morning routine went well until I told the girls (who were playing dolls at the time) that it was time to sit at the table in the back room to do writing. I got a big, gruff, “NO THANK YOU,” from one and defiance from the other. I asked a few more times and helped them know they need to say, “Okay, mom,” but to no avail. Jason was still home so he got down and told them they need to obey their mom. One of them got up and very reluctantly went to the table. The other continued in defiance and buried her head even further, giving us jello-arms if we tried to help her up. Jason and I were getting frustrated at each other because this had raised our stress levels to the roof and neither one of us know what to do to handle this situation (and Jason needed to go work – at a coffee shop). Somehow the second one did go to the table, but was turned backward and still had her head buried. I gave her a very stern, “NO THANK YOU,” which later upset her. I have no idea if that was the right or wrong thing to do. Then, I got down on my knees and offered her two choices (writing or coloring). I offered those choices several times and after awhile she started doing one of them. Several more minutes later she came back and was in step with me and what we were doing. Sheesh! Unfortunately, I expect this type of response to get worse before it gets better.

Meanwhile, the boys played together FOR THE FIRST TIME – Hallelujah!! We have the Little Tykes Cub Cadet car in the back room and they took turns pushing each other back and forth. Then, they found a jump rope and tried tying it around the car and pulling it, etc. It was really fun to watch them start to interact positively. Thank you, God, for that blessing in the midst of the other chaos!

On a funny note, the girls have been wearing shorts the past two days. And if not shorts, they often wear capris. I had all the spring/summer clothes downstairs packed away but during the first week when everything was new, they found it and brought a bunch of those clothes up. Since I couldn’t/can’t explain things like, “we don’t wear shorts in the winter,” I just let it go and am tolerating their dresser drawers barely shutting because they have so many clothes stuffed in them. In time, we can deal with the clothes issues.

I had printed off the lyrics to a couple of the girls favorite songs - Mighty to Save and Our God is Greater to copy as a way to practice writing. I have to stop and do a side-note story about this song because I don’t think I’ve mentioned it yet. Jason and I first heard the Chris Tomlin song, “Our God is Greater” right after we decided to adopt three kids and learned that the girls were 6 &7 years old, which was much older than we were expecting (which is why their current ages are even MUCH, MUCH older than we originally expected). Anyway, I was beginning to process through what adopting “older” girls meant (which meant a lot of dying to my dreams and grieving their losses, having learned their stories). It was in the midst of all of that that I first heard “Our God is Greater” and it quickly became the Lee Family Adoption Theme Song. There were so many things about this adoption (as I started doing research) that seemed too hard and too scary and God used this song in huge ways to help me trust Him. Here are the lyrics:

Water You turned into wine
Open the eyes of the blind
There’s no one like You
None like You
Into the darkness You shine
Out of the ashes we rise
There’s no one like You
None like You

CHORUS
Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God…

Into the darkness you shine
Out of the ashes we Rise
There’s no One like You
None like You.

Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God…
Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God…

BRIDGE
And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?
And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?
What can stand against?

There are SO MANY truths in these lyrics that apply to our family. They applied before the kids came home – as I trusted that our God is greater and stronger than any of the trauma and heart break that I knew (and mostly didn’t know specifically) our kids had endured. Before the kids came home I trusted that God would have to show up for us as Healer and through His power heal their broken lives. And before the kids came home I trusted that if God was for us then nothing would completely overtake us in stepping out in this daunting journey.

So how much more do I believe and trust these things now that our kids are home?!?! If Jesus can turn water into wine and open the eyes of the blind then He can heal and transform our children and He can teach us how to parent them even though they can’t understand 90% of what we say. I could go on and on about every lyric/truth. I am so thankful to have songs to sing and truths like these to cling to during this time. Hearing our kids, then, sing this specific song after all the explanation is even more AMAZING!!

I had made homemade finger paint the other day so I got it out and we colored it with food coloring and painted with it. All four seemed to like it, but when I had to take Abram in the other room, I came back and found the girls gone. They must not have liked it all that much. I made them come back to the table, sit on the bench and use their words to ask me if they could be finished. They each did and got a high five from me and went on their way to the back room with happy hearts. Part of this parenting thing is just teaching them say things like that, fully realizing they weren’t being disobedient, but they just have never had to ask to be excused from something.

Jason came home for lunch and part-way through lunch I decided I would try implementing read and rest time for the girls - after all - for a number of reasons but one of them was about to fall asleep at the table after eating lunch. I let them play a little bit after lunch while I got the two boys down for naps. At 1:00p I wrote out and showed them, “At 1:15 you are going to rest and relax in your room.” My good friend, Misty, who I lived in Thailand with and who is an ESL teacher found a link for us to purchase a Lingala-English/English-Lingala dictionary on amazon.com. JACKPOT! It came the other day and has been very useful a number of times. Under the words rest and relax I wrote the Lingala words and they understood what I was trying to say. I showed that to them around 1p to give them a head’s up (they each have watches and I guess know how time works – I don’t know – but I do know they know their numbers). I went in to get them at 1:15 and got a lot of reluctance. One came with me and choose the couch (I decided to split them up so they would not talk but could really rest, which is what my friend encouraged me to do), though not too happy about it. I set out some books for her to look at and set out a blanket. Not long after I saw her wrapped up in the blanket looking at a book.

I had to go get the other one and let’s just say the next 20 minutes were not pretty at all. There were the most tears I have seen from her when I put her in her room to rest. I went back in a couple of times. At some point I realized that she may not like being in the room alone (remembering that FEAR is still a big factor) and I decided that it was okay if she did her rest time in the same room as her sister. But, I did not want to just let her go be with her sister in a way that allowed her to let her tears and fit communicate what she wanted to me. So, in the midst of loud crying and tears I tried to ask her if she wanted to go in the living room with her sister. I had to go through this a number of times before she calmed down, realizing what I was saying. After awhile she nodded yes, but I needed her to say, “yes, please, mom” to use her words.

At this point there is way more I don't know in parenting these kids than what I do know. But, I do know an important part of parenting kids from hard places is teaching them to use their words and helping them know that their voice matters. Because at some point someone stopped listening to their words (or crying, if a baby) when they asked for their needs to be meant, and kids from hard places therefore will use other (mis)behaviors at times to try to communicate their needs. Such was the case this afternoon. Part of it, clearly, is language, which is so frustrating to me because it just presents one more barrier for the kids in learning to use their words to have their needs met. If she could speak my language, perhaps she would have said, I don’t like being alone. Or, perhaps she wouldn’t have because she doesn’t yet know how to use her words when she is upset and needs something. I’ll never know. Fortunately, God helped me to see that she might have been scared to be alone, which happened to be the case.

She did finally say, “yes, please, mom” - not very clearly and without eye contact but I let that go in this instance because the whole thing was an emotionally very painful thing for her. We can work on eye contact later. Even as I write this it is helping me to see how much her sister probably provides a HUGE feeling of safety for her in this new, big scary world. She came out and sat on the couch opposite her sister. I tried to explain that they couldn’t talk because this was resting time. They did try to talk twice, but I just went in and told them not to and now as I type this about an hour later both girls are snoozing away on the couches. They did, indeed, need to rest. Praise God for rest time!

The rest of the day went pretty well. There was lots of jumping on the couches onto pillows before dinner - initiated by Zoe Mujinga. She was creative in how she did it and I know she needs more physical activity than her sister, so I was okay with it. Every mom knows the hour before Dad comes home is the hardest. :) After dinner there was more jumping by Zoe and the boys and Dad. Claire Muad sat on the couch with me while I rubbed her legs and put lotion on her feet. In the last few days I have felt the need to find more ways to provide nurture for the girls. Knowing that Claire Muad like physical touch helps but it is still hard to get that in sometimes with three other kids. I know a big nurture activity (from reading and from my friend's advice) is to try to have one of the girls sit on my lap and try to make a fun game out of feeding her M&Ms. I have been nervous to try it because I know it will be a bit awkward. But, I felt the need to do it to increase nurture with them was worth it. There was a window of time while Jason was giving the boys a bath that I did it.

And yes, it was a bit awkward (at least for me). The whole point is to look in their eyes when I feed them the M&M's. I just tried to be kind of funny about it and it seemed to work okay. It is not like any attachment light bulbs went off or anything . . . it is just one baby step in the grand dance of attachment. Once the other girl saw the first getting M&M's she raced to put her P-pops (PJs) on so she could have some. At least the ice is now broke on this, which will make it easier (I hope) for me to do this with them more.

A friend from church stopped by this afternoon with a new toaster (w/ room for 4 slices - yay!) for us, along with some puzzles for the kids. What a BLESSING! Another friend brought some fun stuff for us tonight (including Diet Coke and Frappaccinos for me - yay and yay!). I also wrote my friend (who encouraged us to keep our girls home from school) about how to handle the very difficult/defiant situation this morning. Her advice was very, very helpful. If I weren't so exhausted, I would share it, but that will have to wait for another time (perhaps when I am able to implement it...I'm sure there will be a golden opportunity at any given moment tomorrow). One part of her email was a great reminder . . . even though the kids are seeming more comfortable with more days in our family under their belt, the fact remains that, "She is scared and sad and angry right now. She doesn't trust you or even know that you are trustworthy - and with good reason (based on her past experiences). She is trying to survive and it will take a while to earn her trust." We are only less than three weeks into this journey and it is easy to forget that in the midst of crazy behavior. I'm thankful for the reminder tonight.

And so, God continues to come through for us day-by-day.