Adoption from the Inside Out (From Empowered to Connect)
By: Dr. Karyn Purvis, Michael Monroe
For many, the adoption process begins by surveying agency information, evaluating financial considerations and tackling mountains of paperwork, all while working through a complex array of questions, doubts and even fears. Likewise, once a family welcomes a child home their attention generally turns to the everyday aspects of parenting, as well as dealing with the extras that come with being a family who has been woven together through the miracle of adoption. While these are all important aspects of the adoption process, they can often crowd out some equally important steps along the way. One important, but often overlooked, aspect is the need to engage the adoption journey from the “inside out” — through ongoing, honest self-reflection and self-evaluation.
Starting from the Inside
We know how important it is for adoptive parents to engage in a self-evaluation process intentionally focused on assessing their motivations for adopting and examining their expectations about what they will likely experience. While this process may be time consuming and even at times a bit uncomfortable, it is always time well spent.
Properly Motivated — Being honest about motivations can be a tricky thing. However, it is critically important that you start with healthy motivations. It is not so much that there is one single “right” motivation for adopting, as there are several wrong motivations — motivations that often can lead to great disappointment and much hurt and heartache for everyone involved.
At its core, adoption should not be a humanitarian cause aimed at “rescuing” a poor, orphaned child or “fixing” a broken child, as heartbreaking as their children’s realities may be. It is equally important not to adopt in order to try to prove something or to make a point, nor because it is the “in” thing or even the “Christian thing” to do. Invariably, motivations such as these can cause a parent to bring a great deal of unnecessary “baggage” to the new parent-child relationship, resulting in unrealistic expectations, disappointment and a host of other negative outcomes.
Instead, a primary motivation for adopting must always be love — love that a parent has and is willing and able to unconditionally give to a child for a lifetime. This love is not merely a sentiment or a feeling, but rather a true commitment of the heart, soul, mind and body. Motivated by this kind of love, parents are far better well-positioned to partner with their child in order to build a healthy and trusting relationship. With this foundation parents can then begin to empower their children, help them heal and allow them to fully experience the blessings of a forever family.
Ultimately, adoption must be more about the child than it is about the parent. Although there is no denying the “mutual blessing” of adoption, it is essential that parents be willing to ask themselves difficult questions and provide honest answers to ensure that they are properly motivated and can thus provide the necessary foundations for a healthy relationship and a positive outcome.
Realistically Expecting — Adoptive parents who maintain realistic expectations throughout the entire adoption journey are far more likely to thrive even in the midst of the challenges that often arise. As a family travels the adoption journey it is essential that they avoid overly romanticized notions of how the adoption experience will unfold. There will undoubtedly be major milestones, “miracle moments” and breakthroughs filled with joy as a child begins to receive and respond to the love and care showered upon him or her. However, there will also likely be some amount of frustration, disappointment and pain as well.
No doubt every family truly believes they are adopting the “perfect child.” However, early on in the adoption process our heads often know, though our hearts may forget, that even though you may adopt the “perfect child” for your family, your child is not “perfect.” The good news, however, is neither are you. So every adoptive family should fully expect to encounter some challenges and bumps along the roadway as together they seek to learn and develop a healthy, trusting relationship. Our experience is that no family is completely immune.
The challenges start right away for some families, and unrealistic expectations can have a lot to do with both the cause and the ultimate outcomes. Some families travel half way around the world to adopt a young child and when they arrive at the orphanage they may unrealistically expect the child to instantaneously connect with them and them with him or her — the so-called “mommy or daddy moment.” While this does sometimes happen, for many reasons it is not always, or even generally, the norm. In fact, children who seem to instantly “attach” may be in reality exhibiting an attachment issue called “indiscriminate friendliness,” which will require guidance over time to help them understand how to create a healthy parent-child attachment.
Likewise, some adoptive parents choose to adopt older children only to be surprised that after a short “honeymoon” period the child, plucked from an orphanage in another country and culture and removed from all that is familiar and “safe” to him or her, is not grateful and compliant. Instead, the parents find themselves struggling with issues relating to communication, making good decisions and learning to follow the rules. More generally, they find themselves facing the challenge of helping the child fully understand what it means to be part of a family.
Regardless of the challenge or issue that arises it is all important to remember that the solutions and successes will not come over night. What is called for is “investment parenting,” though for many of us, accustomed to our fast paced society of instant gratification and quick results, the “return” on the “investment” is painfully slow in coming. The “investment” can be made in any number of ways, such as taking time off work for an extended period after a child comes home in order to help him or her connect with the new family. Some families make the “investment” by not putting the child in school or daycare immediately to allow for more time and interaction with parents and family members.
When a child comes into our family through birth we naturally expect several months of sleepless nights, dirty diapers and constant attention. Likewise, when a child comes into our family through adoption, parents should expect to make an equal “investment” of time to help the child feel safe and connected, even if the diapers and feedings are replaced with One additional key to creating realistic expectations is to be sure not to travel the adoption journey alone. Other adoptive families can often be the best resource for helping sift through what to realistically expect. It is important, however, that these experienced adoptive families are willing to be honest and open about their experiences – both the highs and the lows. Support groups, church ministries and other communities of families are a great place to connect with families like these to learn about what you should realistically expect and how you can best be prepared to respond.
It’s Never Too Late to Ask the Right Questions
While honest and critical self-evaluation is vitally important early on in the adoption process, it is never too late for parents to start looking “inside” to ask themselves the right questions. As challenges and issues with a child arise it is all too easy for parents to assume that the problem, and therefore the solution, lies completely with the child. However, this assumption can often mask the true reality and serve to only further prolong the pain and frustration.
It is critical for parents to be willing to not only assess their motivations and expectations on an ongoing basis, but to also be willing to explore their own histories and address what they may find. In order to guide a child toward healing, parents need to know the path themselves. All things being equal, parents who fearlessly explore their own history and how it may affect their parenting are parents who are generally better prepared to welcome a child home and begin partnering with their child so they can connect and heal.
Melanie Chung Sherman, an independent adoption social worker in Texas and a Korean adoptee herself, explains: “Parenting can bring an array of emotions and feelings to the surface. When parents build their families through adoption, many times unresolved issues such as grief and loss due to infertility, past abuse and neglect, past addictions or health problems come to the surface. The child’s deep needs can often trigger these unresolved issues of the past and the impacts can ultimately find their way to the child. If parents do not intentionally and honestly assess themselves and begin to work toward healing for unresolved issues, the adoption dynamics can compound these past traumas and prevent parents from fully embracing the complexities and joys of the adoption journey. Self-assessment and self-evaluation must go well beyond the home-study and become an ongoing part of how to engage the adoption journey as it unfolds. It is no doubt messy and difficult, but the long-term rewards will be substantial for the well-being of the child and the entire family.”
This is reinforced by recent research from the TCU Institute of Child Development documenting specific critical parent issues that can become hindrances to positive outcomes for adoptive families if the issues are not explored and resolved. These issues include childhood losses such as the death of a parent, death of a sibling, divorce, alcoholism of a parent, trauma, neglect or abuse. Adult losses that need to be explored include miscarriage, divorce, death of a loved one and trauma. In addition, numerous researchers have documented significant positive shifts in families where the parents are able to process their own histories. In turn, these parents are empowered and able to guide their children through a similar process.
Approaching adoption from the “inside out” is an important ongoing part of the adoption journey that can be incredibly beneficial for both you and your child. The life-long journey of adoption is filled with blessings and joy, though it can also bring its fair share of challenges, loss and pain. In the end, however, we have come to believe that the truest blessing of adoption is not in living “happily ever after,” but rather in the God-kissed opportunity to unconditionally give your love away with the hope that your gift will be fully accepted and will transform the life of a child – forever.
A Few Questions to Consider . . .
Here are a few questions that can help you examine your motivations, expectations and any unresolved issues that may affect your ability to fully connect with your child:
• What are the reasons why I want to adopt?
• Is adoption more about me or the child I will welcome into my family?
• What issues or challenges do I expect to encounter as I parent my children? How do I plan to deal with those issues and challenges?
• How will I respond if things don’t turn out as I have planned after I bring my child home?
• How will those around me, such as friends and family, react if things do not go as planned?
• Are there issues in my past such as unresolved grief, loss, abuse or trauma that I have not adequately dealt with? If so, how do I plan to address and deal with those issues?
Reprinted from the December/January 2009 issue of Adoption Today magazine.
The Lee Three
Showing posts with label Adoption Motivations and Expectations. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Adoption Motivations and Expectations. Show all posts
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Why Are We Adopting Three Kids?
This is a popular question so I thought I would answer it today.
The bottom line is that we feel God has led us to the decision to adopt three kids from a country that starts with a C in Africa. (I'm no longer posting the name of the country to help protect adoptions from that country. Countries have shut down adoption programs because of misinterpretations from blogs. So, I'm playing it safe.)
In the midst of praying and talking through things a few weeks ago, here are the factors God used to lead us to THREE:
- Since we started trying to have kids, we have wanted at least four kids.
- There are 4.5 million orphans in the capital of C country.
- The adoption tax credit change makes it even possible to think about adopting three kids.
- There are 4.5 million orphans in the capital of C country.
- Adopting three now eliminates going through another adoption process (with all of its paperwork) in the future to get us to four kids.
- There are 4.5 million orphans in the capital city of country C.
- It would be an overwhelming adjustment to bring two kids from another country into our home. Bringing a third child into our home will increase this adjustment but won't triple it.
- Did I mention there are 4.5 million orphans in C country's capital?
As you might imagine, we have received a number of interesting reactions when people hear we are adopting three kids. And I would be lying if I told you I haven't ever had a doubt that this is what we should do. I have had my doubts from time to time. The doubts typically come after a number of questioning or negative responses. They have also come when I start to read about the emotional issues our children are going to have.
I have known that there are issues - many issues - kids have to deal with when they are adopted from another country. Issues with hoarding food (because there has never been enough food), problems with bonding and attachment (because likely they have never had a secure attachment to someone that has made them feel safe and loved), the stress of learning a new language, identity issues because their names change and on and on. I hope to post about some of these things as we dive into learning them ourselves. Over the past weekend, I read just a little about a couple of these things. And it overwelmed me.
At church on Sunday, our pastor, Jeff, shared a quote that very much summed up what was happening in my heart:
Despondency arises through listening to ourselves and our self-assessment instead of looking to God, recalling His purposes, living according to our dignity in Him and rediscovering in Him our source and power. (J. Alec Motyer, "The Prophecy of Isaiah," p. 387)
Once I look to God and His purposes again, all is well with my soul (this is the continual battle of life for all believers in Jesus).
I have said it before, and I'm sure I will say it many more times: adopting three kids is going to be extremely difficult. And I want to be clear about something: We are not doing it because we think we have the ability to help three kids adjust to life here or to because we think we can muster up the parenting skills or because we are so spiritual and think we can help save the world. No. We have very little to offer. We are completely incapable of taking on this challenge. We are merely jars of clay in the had of an almighty God who cares about the least of these on our earth.
For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness,"made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body.
2 Corinthians 4:6-11
We are staking this whole adoption - coming up with the money we need, getting a vehicle, helping three orphans transition into our family - ON GOD. If in two years or five years from now you look at our family and we are doing okay, you can be sure that it had everything to do with God and His power.
A quote from the book Crazy Love that I got from my friend, Janel's recent blog post,
sums up why we are adopting three kids from Africa:
"God doesn’t call us to be comfortable. He calls us to trust Him so completely that we are unafraid to put ourselves in situations where we will be in trouble if He doesn’t come through." –Francis Chan
The bottom line is that we feel God has led us to the decision to adopt three kids from a country that starts with a C in Africa. (I'm no longer posting the name of the country to help protect adoptions from that country. Countries have shut down adoption programs because of misinterpretations from blogs. So, I'm playing it safe.)
In the midst of praying and talking through things a few weeks ago, here are the factors God used to lead us to THREE:
- Since we started trying to have kids, we have wanted at least four kids.
- There are 4.5 million orphans in the capital of C country.
- The adoption tax credit change makes it even possible to think about adopting three kids.
- There are 4.5 million orphans in the capital of C country.
- Adopting three now eliminates going through another adoption process (with all of its paperwork) in the future to get us to four kids.
- There are 4.5 million orphans in the capital city of country C.
- It would be an overwhelming adjustment to bring two kids from another country into our home. Bringing a third child into our home will increase this adjustment but won't triple it.
- Did I mention there are 4.5 million orphans in C country's capital?
As you might imagine, we have received a number of interesting reactions when people hear we are adopting three kids. And I would be lying if I told you I haven't ever had a doubt that this is what we should do. I have had my doubts from time to time. The doubts typically come after a number of questioning or negative responses. They have also come when I start to read about the emotional issues our children are going to have.
I have known that there are issues - many issues - kids have to deal with when they are adopted from another country. Issues with hoarding food (because there has never been enough food), problems with bonding and attachment (because likely they have never had a secure attachment to someone that has made them feel safe and loved), the stress of learning a new language, identity issues because their names change and on and on. I hope to post about some of these things as we dive into learning them ourselves. Over the past weekend, I read just a little about a couple of these things. And it overwelmed me.
At church on Sunday, our pastor, Jeff, shared a quote that very much summed up what was happening in my heart:
Despondency arises through listening to ourselves and our self-assessment instead of looking to God, recalling His purposes, living according to our dignity in Him and rediscovering in Him our source and power. (J. Alec Motyer, "The Prophecy of Isaiah," p. 387)
Once I look to God and His purposes again, all is well with my soul (this is the continual battle of life for all believers in Jesus).
I have said it before, and I'm sure I will say it many more times: adopting three kids is going to be extremely difficult. And I want to be clear about something: We are not doing it because we think we have the ability to help three kids adjust to life here or to because we think we can muster up the parenting skills or because we are so spiritual and think we can help save the world. No. We have very little to offer. We are completely incapable of taking on this challenge. We are merely jars of clay in the had of an almighty God who cares about the least of these on our earth.
For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness,"made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body.
2 Corinthians 4:6-11
We are staking this whole adoption - coming up with the money we need, getting a vehicle, helping three orphans transition into our family - ON GOD. If in two years or five years from now you look at our family and we are doing okay, you can be sure that it had everything to do with God and His power.
A quote from the book Crazy Love that I got from my friend, Janel's recent blog post,
sums up why we are adopting three kids from Africa:
"God doesn’t call us to be comfortable. He calls us to trust Him so completely that we are unafraid to put ourselves in situations where we will be in trouble if He doesn’t come through." –Francis Chan
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Now is an Incredibly Amazing Time to Adopt from C Country in Africa!
Since Jason and I decided to move forward with this second adoption, there are many things we have learned that compel us to share why right now is an incredibly amazing time to adopt orphans from C Country. (We are not giving the name of the country to protect adoptions from this country. Countries have shut down adoptions because of blog posts that were misinterpreted. We are just playing it safe. Contact me and I would be happy to tell you the country.) Please keep in mind the information we are providing is what MLJ Adoptions is currently experiencing and with any international adoption process, the process can change and there are no guarantees.
- About a year ago, Sonja Brown from MLJ Adoptions, started researching a new Africa adoption program for MLJ. This past October Sonja and her colleagues went to C Country to talk to government officials about adopting from C. They also toured orphanages and interviewed their foreign staff.
- Of the 10 million people living in the capital city of C, there are 4.5 million orphans. Of the 4.5 million orphaned children in the capital, 90-95% are abandoned on the streets with no histories available. These numbers are staggerring.
- The officials told MLJ Adoptions, "You are the solution to our problem." The government wants the orphans to grow up with families and not in orphanages, so they are very willing to assist in finding these children homes. So many governments are NOT WILLING to allow their orphans to be adopted.
- Adopting from C takes about 9-11 months. An incredibly SHORT waiting time for any adoption, much less an international adoption.
- The US government changed the adoption tax credit this past spring to also include a tax refund. The government will now give you $13,170 PER CHILD as part of your tax return the year after you finalize an adoption. WHEN IN THE WORLD HAS IT EVER BEEN POSSIBLE TO GET THIS MUCH MONEY BACK TO HELP PAY FOR THE COST OF AN ADOPTION???
Never.
- If you take the federal tax credit into consideration, it is quite possibly cheaper to adopt TWO orphans from C instead of one. The cost to adopt one child from MLJ is $26,000-$30,000. The cost to adopt two kids is around $38,000-44,000. So, say you adopt two kids. When you file your taxes the year after your kids arrive, the government will give you $26,340 ($13,170 per child). Again, WHEN IN THE WORLD HAS IT EVER BEEN POSSIBLE TO GET THIS MUCH MONEY BACK TO HELP PAY FOR THE COST OF AN ADOPTION???
You would end up paying around $11,660-17,660 for two kids. Not even considering the grants that are available, that is E-X-T-R-E-M-E-L-Y. affordable for adoption. EX-TREME-LY! We are talking $5,830-8,830 per child! If you adopt one child, you would end up paying around $12,830-16,830, after the adoption tax credit, which is still VERY reasonable. Imagine if you were crazy enough to adopt three kids?! The cost would be $50,000-63,000. BUT, you would get back $39,510 from the US government, leaving you with the final out-of-pocket expense of $10,124-24,124.
- Did I mention adopting from C takes only 9-11 months? Not only is this a very short time for you to have to wait emotionally, but it is very significant financially. You cannot get the adoption tax credit/refund back from the government until you have finalized your adoption. In our case with our first adoption we had to wait 6 months after Abram came home with us to finalize. This is very typical. Sometimes you have to wait more than six months. Waiting this long to finalize could bring you close to the end of December 2011 when the incredible tax credit/refund is set to expire (there is a chance it could be extended, but there is no way to know at this point). (Your adoption has to be finalized by December 2011 to qualify for the tax credit/refund.) B U T . . . C Coutnry adoptions are finalized the day your child(ren) arrive in the US. HELLO!?!?!? That means if you start now, you are nearly guaranteed to get the adoption tax credit/refund back. And it means many families have the opportunity to start the process several months down the road and still get the $13,170 per child.
- We asked Sonja what she thought if more families were interested in adopting from C. She said would take as many as apply. She told us her personal mission in life is to place as many orphans in homes as possible. She said if she gets too overloaded she will just hire someone else to help her. (In case it is not already clear, we feel like we struck gold by finding MLJ and Sonja!)
I guess what all of this boils down to is this:
"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world" (James 1:27).
There is an orphan crisis in C Country. The C Country government is very cooperative. The US government is giving back large chunks of money to help families pay for adoptions. With MLJ and the federal adoption tax credit it is likely cheaper to adopt two instead of one. MLJ and Sonja are incredibly wonderful to work with and are willing to take many, many more families.
There, my friends, is the window of incredible opportunity for us to make an eternal investment.
Will it be all wonderful and glorious when these beautiful kids come into our homes? Nope. Not at all. The transition will be hard. Horribly hard. Perhaps excruciatingly hard. These kids have rarely, if ever, had anyone to love them and care for their every need. It could be hard for them to get used to your love and care. You won't be able to spend time with other people for awhile because you will need to help the kids bond with you. You might not leave your house for awhile. They will speak French. You will speak English. It will take money to raise them. Just the normal day-in and day-out parenting will be tough. Bringing more kids into your family will mean sacrificing things you like to do.
But, in five years from now, or ten years from now, or in eternity, will you regret displaying God's love to the least of these on earth and sparing an orphan's life?
That is what it comes down to for Jason and me. It is not going to be easy or comfortable. We may not see our friends for awhile. We have a smaller house. We don't even have a vehicle right now that fits four young kids and an adult. But the God who created the universe, as well as these orphaned children in His image, made it clear to us that we need to take this step of obedience and faith. And through Jesus, we have the capacity to love, sacrifice and care for three more kids. We are depending on Him.
(I am working on a list of questions and answers about the adoption process that I hope to post soon. Until then, please feel free to contact me if you are interested, have questions, or want more info. Jason and I would love to talk with you!)
- About a year ago, Sonja Brown from MLJ Adoptions, started researching a new Africa adoption program for MLJ. This past October Sonja and her colleagues went to C Country to talk to government officials about adopting from C. They also toured orphanages and interviewed their foreign staff.
- Of the 10 million people living in the capital city of C, there are 4.5 million orphans. Of the 4.5 million orphaned children in the capital, 90-95% are abandoned on the streets with no histories available. These numbers are staggerring.
- The officials told MLJ Adoptions, "You are the solution to our problem." The government wants the orphans to grow up with families and not in orphanages, so they are very willing to assist in finding these children homes. So many governments are NOT WILLING to allow their orphans to be adopted.
- Adopting from C takes about 9-11 months. An incredibly SHORT waiting time for any adoption, much less an international adoption.
- The US government changed the adoption tax credit this past spring to also include a tax refund. The government will now give you $13,170 PER CHILD as part of your tax return the year after you finalize an adoption. WHEN IN THE WORLD HAS IT EVER BEEN POSSIBLE TO GET THIS MUCH MONEY BACK TO HELP PAY FOR THE COST OF AN ADOPTION???
Never.
- If you take the federal tax credit into consideration, it is quite possibly cheaper to adopt TWO orphans from C instead of one. The cost to adopt one child from MLJ is $26,000-$30,000. The cost to adopt two kids is around $38,000-44,000. So, say you adopt two kids. When you file your taxes the year after your kids arrive, the government will give you $26,340 ($13,170 per child). Again, WHEN IN THE WORLD HAS IT EVER BEEN POSSIBLE TO GET THIS MUCH MONEY BACK TO HELP PAY FOR THE COST OF AN ADOPTION???
You would end up paying around $11,660-17,660 for two kids. Not even considering the grants that are available, that is E-X-T-R-E-M-E-L-Y. affordable for adoption. EX-TREME-LY! We are talking $5,830-8,830 per child! If you adopt one child, you would end up paying around $12,830-16,830, after the adoption tax credit, which is still VERY reasonable. Imagine if you were crazy enough to adopt three kids?! The cost would be $50,000-63,000. BUT, you would get back $39,510 from the US government, leaving you with the final out-of-pocket expense of $10,124-24,124.
- Did I mention adopting from C takes only 9-11 months? Not only is this a very short time for you to have to wait emotionally, but it is very significant financially. You cannot get the adoption tax credit/refund back from the government until you have finalized your adoption. In our case with our first adoption we had to wait 6 months after Abram came home with us to finalize. This is very typical. Sometimes you have to wait more than six months. Waiting this long to finalize could bring you close to the end of December 2011 when the incredible tax credit/refund is set to expire (there is a chance it could be extended, but there is no way to know at this point). (Your adoption has to be finalized by December 2011 to qualify for the tax credit/refund.) B U T . . . C Coutnry adoptions are finalized the day your child(ren) arrive in the US. HELLO!?!?!? That means if you start now, you are nearly guaranteed to get the adoption tax credit/refund back. And it means many families have the opportunity to start the process several months down the road and still get the $13,170 per child.
- We asked Sonja what she thought if more families were interested in adopting from C. She said would take as many as apply. She told us her personal mission in life is to place as many orphans in homes as possible. She said if she gets too overloaded she will just hire someone else to help her. (In case it is not already clear, we feel like we struck gold by finding MLJ and Sonja!)
I guess what all of this boils down to is this:
"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world" (James 1:27).
There is an orphan crisis in C Country. The C Country government is very cooperative. The US government is giving back large chunks of money to help families pay for adoptions. With MLJ and the federal adoption tax credit it is likely cheaper to adopt two instead of one. MLJ and Sonja are incredibly wonderful to work with and are willing to take many, many more families.
There, my friends, is the window of incredible opportunity for us to make an eternal investment.
Will it be all wonderful and glorious when these beautiful kids come into our homes? Nope. Not at all. The transition will be hard. Horribly hard. Perhaps excruciatingly hard. These kids have rarely, if ever, had anyone to love them and care for their every need. It could be hard for them to get used to your love and care. You won't be able to spend time with other people for awhile because you will need to help the kids bond with you. You might not leave your house for awhile. They will speak French. You will speak English. It will take money to raise them. Just the normal day-in and day-out parenting will be tough. Bringing more kids into your family will mean sacrificing things you like to do.
But, in five years from now, or ten years from now, or in eternity, will you regret displaying God's love to the least of these on earth and sparing an orphan's life?
That is what it comes down to for Jason and me. It is not going to be easy or comfortable. We may not see our friends for awhile. We have a smaller house. We don't even have a vehicle right now that fits four young kids and an adult. But the God who created the universe, as well as these orphaned children in His image, made it clear to us that we need to take this step of obedience and faith. And through Jesus, we have the capacity to love, sacrifice and care for three more kids. We are depending on Him.
(I am working on a list of questions and answers about the adoption process that I hope to post soon. Until then, please feel free to contact me if you are interested, have questions, or want more info. Jason and I would love to talk with you!)
Friday, June 18, 2010
How We Ended Up Deciding to Adopt Three Kids from Africa
Below is the timeline of what happened. It is a story only God could write so I feel like I need to write out the details so we can remember what God did. (And if there is one thing you should know about me by now it is that I only know how to deal with details!)
January 2010 After the Haiti earthquake Jason was motivated to research to see if we could adopt Haitian orphans. We did not fit their requirements. He began researching where the most orphans in the world are. Of course they are in Africa. Eithiopia has the most, followed by Nigeria and then C Country. For each country he Googled adoption agencies and then the country. Many agencies came up for Ethiopia. None for Nigeria. The only thing that came up for C Country was a blog post which mentioned the only agency in the US doing adoptions from C Country, MLJ Adoptions, based in Indianapolis, IN.
{Let me be clear that we were not looking for adoption opportunities at this point. But, since we began our first adoption journey we have both desired to adopt - at some point - a sibling group from overseas who were orphaned. But we both figured it would be several years down the road because international adoptions take so long and are so expensive.}
Jason immediately checked out the agency, MLJ Adoptions, and loved what he saw. They were doing adoptions from C in 6-8 months. That appealed to us. I wrote the C program director (Sonja) that Saturday afternoon with a few questions and heard back from her within 3-4 hours (on a Saturday night!). By Sunday morning we were friends with her on Facebook and able to see pictures of some of the kids in C Country from the orphanages they are working with. The promptness of her responses, in addition to what we learned about the agency from their website gave us the hunch that this was an awesome agency. So, we began considering this possibility. (Which means that I started to get excited right away!)
February After we crunched the numbers, we realized that it was just going to be too expensive. The government would give us a $13,170 tax credit (per child) over five years, but since we just adopted Abram, our tax money was being used for that adoption tax credit. There is no way we would ever pay enough in taxes to get back the $13,170 per child in the five-year window.
March We updated our homestudy and started the process of waiting for an infant from Iowa through Avalon Center (the agency who did our first home study.)
April Jason found out that with the passing of the new Health Care Reform Bill, the government changed the adoption tax credit. The $13,170 was now FULLY REFUNDABLE (PER CHILD) the year after you finalize your adoption. This means the amount you get back is no longer dependent on how much money you paid in taxes. And there is no more 5-year window. The government will literally give you a check for $13,170 after you file your taxes the year after you finalize your adoption. If you adopt two kids, you will get $26,340 back. THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE!! And UNPRECENDENTED in the history of our country!! However, this new adoption tax refund is set to expire at the end of 2011 (it could be renewed, but there is no way of knowing if it will or not).
May I called our tax accountant (Chris Hicks) to make sure this new adoption tax refund is truly for real. It seriously seemed too good to be true. He confirmed that it is, indeed, for real.
Due to some other circumstances, Jason decided that we should not do the C Country adoption but stick with adopting an infant from Iowa. I was disappointed, but trusted God and my husband that they knew what was best for our family. It was not easy because the next several weeks I couldn't get the picture of two African kids riding in the back seat of my car with Abram out of my head. But I kept hanging onto this verse from Isaiah 30:15, "This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says: 'In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength'."
June 9th I organized an Adoption Info Meeting at Cornerstone to let people know about the new adoption tax credit (because it is so amazing!) and to give a list of recommended agencies, MLJ being one of ten or so on the list. Jason helped me lead the meeting. We both talked a lot about the very unique window of opportunity there is for adopting from C right now (more on that later). We went home from the meeting and talked until after midnight. During that discussion God made it crystal clear to Jason that we should obey Him now and adopt two kids from C Country. I could hardly believe what I was hearing my husband say!
During and since our discussion that Wednesday, Jason mentioned a few times, "I wonder if we could adopt three." I didn't think it was possible, so I didn't think too much about it. After a conference call with Sonja from MLJ, we found out it is possible to adopt three kids. After praying about it, we decided on three. The day after I totally freaked out and thought there was no way I could do it. But after a couple more days, God made it clear to me that yes, we could do it. It won't be easy, but by God's grace, we can do it.
I mailed in our application, contract and initial payment on Tuesday. Yesterday (Friday) I got the next 3-4 steps from Sonja. They are almost completed!
Because of the enormous number of orphans in C Country (more on that in the next post), we get to choose what ages and genders of kids we want. (They will not be siblings. Because of the staggering number of abandoned kids there is no way to know if they are siblings or not.) Here is what we are choosing. Drumroll please . . .
5 year old boy
3 year old girl
0-2 year old either gender
Initially, we wanted all very young kids. But, I was concerned about ending up with three 18 month olds or something like that. So, we threw out the idea of older kids. We thought about getting a 6-7 year old boy (close to Brady's age) but I didn't want to have to think about school so soon. So we landed on a five year old boy.
We are in for the ride of our lives!
But, we are not in this ride by ourselves. There is one other couple from our church who have also just started the process to adopt two kids. A second couple is very close to starting the process (and would also adopt two) and several families are thinking about it.
God is moving!
January 2010 After the Haiti earthquake Jason was motivated to research to see if we could adopt Haitian orphans. We did not fit their requirements. He began researching where the most orphans in the world are. Of course they are in Africa. Eithiopia has the most, followed by Nigeria and then C Country. For each country he Googled adoption agencies and then the country. Many agencies came up for Ethiopia. None for Nigeria. The only thing that came up for C Country was a blog post which mentioned the only agency in the US doing adoptions from C Country, MLJ Adoptions, based in Indianapolis, IN.
{Let me be clear that we were not looking for adoption opportunities at this point. But, since we began our first adoption journey we have both desired to adopt - at some point - a sibling group from overseas who were orphaned. But we both figured it would be several years down the road because international adoptions take so long and are so expensive.}
Jason immediately checked out the agency, MLJ Adoptions, and loved what he saw. They were doing adoptions from C in 6-8 months. That appealed to us. I wrote the C program director (Sonja) that Saturday afternoon with a few questions and heard back from her within 3-4 hours (on a Saturday night!). By Sunday morning we were friends with her on Facebook and able to see pictures of some of the kids in C Country from the orphanages they are working with. The promptness of her responses, in addition to what we learned about the agency from their website gave us the hunch that this was an awesome agency. So, we began considering this possibility. (Which means that I started to get excited right away!)
February After we crunched the numbers, we realized that it was just going to be too expensive. The government would give us a $13,170 tax credit (per child) over five years, but since we just adopted Abram, our tax money was being used for that adoption tax credit. There is no way we would ever pay enough in taxes to get back the $13,170 per child in the five-year window.
March We updated our homestudy and started the process of waiting for an infant from Iowa through Avalon Center (the agency who did our first home study.)
April Jason found out that with the passing of the new Health Care Reform Bill, the government changed the adoption tax credit. The $13,170 was now FULLY REFUNDABLE (PER CHILD) the year after you finalize your adoption. This means the amount you get back is no longer dependent on how much money you paid in taxes. And there is no more 5-year window. The government will literally give you a check for $13,170 after you file your taxes the year after you finalize your adoption. If you adopt two kids, you will get $26,340 back. THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE!! And UNPRECENDENTED in the history of our country!! However, this new adoption tax refund is set to expire at the end of 2011 (it could be renewed, but there is no way of knowing if it will or not).
May I called our tax accountant (Chris Hicks) to make sure this new adoption tax refund is truly for real. It seriously seemed too good to be true. He confirmed that it is, indeed, for real.
Due to some other circumstances, Jason decided that we should not do the C Country adoption but stick with adopting an infant from Iowa. I was disappointed, but trusted God and my husband that they knew what was best for our family. It was not easy because the next several weeks I couldn't get the picture of two African kids riding in the back seat of my car with Abram out of my head. But I kept hanging onto this verse from Isaiah 30:15, "This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says: 'In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength'."
June 9th I organized an Adoption Info Meeting at Cornerstone to let people know about the new adoption tax credit (because it is so amazing!) and to give a list of recommended agencies, MLJ being one of ten or so on the list. Jason helped me lead the meeting. We both talked a lot about the very unique window of opportunity there is for adopting from C right now (more on that later). We went home from the meeting and talked until after midnight. During that discussion God made it crystal clear to Jason that we should obey Him now and adopt two kids from C Country. I could hardly believe what I was hearing my husband say!
During and since our discussion that Wednesday, Jason mentioned a few times, "I wonder if we could adopt three." I didn't think it was possible, so I didn't think too much about it. After a conference call with Sonja from MLJ, we found out it is possible to adopt three kids. After praying about it, we decided on three. The day after I totally freaked out and thought there was no way I could do it. But after a couple more days, God made it clear to me that yes, we could do it. It won't be easy, but by God's grace, we can do it.
I mailed in our application, contract and initial payment on Tuesday. Yesterday (Friday) I got the next 3-4 steps from Sonja. They are almost completed!
Because of the enormous number of orphans in C Country (more on that in the next post), we get to choose what ages and genders of kids we want. (They will not be siblings. Because of the staggering number of abandoned kids there is no way to know if they are siblings or not.) Here is what we are choosing. Drumroll please . . .
5 year old boy
3 year old girl
0-2 year old either gender
Initially, we wanted all very young kids. But, I was concerned about ending up with three 18 month olds or something like that. So, we threw out the idea of older kids. We thought about getting a 6-7 year old boy (close to Brady's age) but I didn't want to have to think about school so soon. So we landed on a five year old boy.
We are in for the ride of our lives!
But, we are not in this ride by ourselves. There is one other couple from our church who have also just started the process to adopt two kids. A second couple is very close to starting the process (and would also adopt two) and several families are thinking about it.
God is moving!
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