Dead On

Many of  you have probably heard of Jen Hatmaker or read her blog or books. The woman has a way with words to say the least! She just wrote a blog post called "The Truth about Adoption: One Year Later" about the stages her family went through the first year of adopting two older kids.

It is DEAD ON. Oh my! I didn't know whether to laugh or cry at all the things she said that hit the nail on the head for us. I did laugh and cry reading it because 90% of it is so true of our experience. I loved the way she ended writing about how God is enough for all of us in adoption. The truths she shared were so powerful.

Go on now . . . read her post here!

We Are a Different Family

It is a rare occasion that I can compare so overtly what our adopt-three-kids-at-one-time family is like now to what it was seven or eight months ago. It has been a slow and often tedious process. But, last Thursday night I got a glimpse of the difference between the earlier months and now.

After dinner we all walked to a park near our house. We haven't been to parks much in this summer due to the heat (and our great back yard). When we got to the park Thursday night with our soccer ball and volleyball and started playing in the open, grassy area, waves of memories flooded over me. I could not help but be transported back to all the times we went to that park as a family in the early months right after the kids came home - when we were all bundled up in winter coats.

PEOPLE! We were an incredibly different family at the park Thursday night than that family we took to the park many months ago in the cold weather. I mean A. REALLY. DIFFERENT. FAMILY.

It felt like we were family - you know, people who actually know each other really well. We laughed a lot, we called the kids by the nicknames we have for them and we were relaxed and just having fun with them -  not on guard every minute wondering what they were going to do, how they would react and needing to be super intentional about every interaction with them. We were an {almost} normal family at the park. We were not two parents with a toddler and three kids we loved deeply, but barely knew. Such a tangible "feeling" of difference in who we are as a family was a sweet blessing to experience last week. THANK YOU, JESUS!

A few people have asked me lately if my African kids feel like my kids now. It is a good question. I can say for sure that my feelings of my kids being my kids has definitely grown TREMENDOUSLY since they first came home. That I know for sure. While I've never parented a biological or adopted-at-birth 9 or 11 year old, I am fairly certain that it is still a little different. Not quite 100% "there" - whatever "there" is.

Claire is the most attached and probably feels most like my daughter at this current moment in time. With Zoe, it honestly depends on the week/day and whether or not RAD behaviors are rising to the surface or not. When RAD is present, it creates this unavoidable distance in our relationship. In order to love and parent the RAD, I have to disconnect emotionally from her (to some degree) to not take things personally and be able to parent her in the way she needs (providing consequences and firm boundaries for crazy/controlling behavior). If I didn't disconnect emotionally, I would react very poorly to her (read: get very angry). Disconnecting allows me to not let her crazy behavior affect me as much. So it is taking longer with her and that is okay. I still love her just as much as I love my other kids (and in some ways in a more special way because I have invested a lot of blood, sweat and tears in her life). Isaiah also still cycles through his disconnected times and in those times I do not feel the same toward him as I do Abram. But, like with Zoe, each time they cycle back around to a more emotionally healthier Isaiah or Zoe, my attachment and "feelings" toward them grow, too. So, yes, they feel like my kids, but it is still different . . . we are getting there and I am confident God will provide all the feelings of them being 100% my kids in His time.

Before the kids came home and I read about attachment and realized my kids might not feel like my kids for a long time, I'm sure it scared me to death. This is an often-asked question/fear when I talk to people who are interested in adopting. And it is a legitimate question, but not something to fear. I think the enemy loves to make us feel like it will be a miserable nightmare if our kids don't "feel" like our kids after we adopt them. It is simply not true. It is a lie from Satan. God's grace is sufficient and He gives us everything we need to joyfully love them - even if we don't have the feelings to go along with it. And it is selfish of us if we say "no" to adoption because we are afraid we can't love them like our other children or if we think they won't feel like "our" kids.

We love because Christ first loved us. (1 John 4:19)

As a relationship with our child(ren) grows over time, so do the feelings. God entrusts us with a life (or two or three) and asks us to lay down our lives and love them, no matter what our feelings toward them. It is not always easy (but neither is loving kids who completely feel like your own kids!), but the blessings of getting to experience the relationship with a newly adopted child grow is amazing. It is like sitting on the sidelines watching God work right in front of your face. I wouldn't trade that gift for anything.

Friends + Adoption + Your Old Stuff

Our good friends, Brian and Allie made an announcement on their blog yesterday. We might be a little bit excited that they are adopting two kids from the same country as our kids!

My friend, Maria, is having a garage sale this Saturday and all the money will go toward Brian and Allie's adoption. If you have stuff to get rid of and want to donate it to the garage sale, you can bring it to my house anytime this week (before Friday at noon) and I will take it to her. Email me or text me to let me know if you want to drop stuff off.

Maria is my good friend who, with her husband Bobby, have two boys from the same country as our kids - and our kids all lived together in foster care before they came home to each of our families. Bobby and Maria are half-way through the adoption process again, but this time to adopt two GIRLS from the same country as our and their kids.

I love what God is doing!

Hard to Say Goodbye

I realize I am quite fortunate in that I have never had a really good friend move away. 

But today, a really, really good friend is moving away . . . 

with her husband and two red-headed boys, back to her home country - THE SOUTH (Louisiana to be specific)! 

And while I am so excited for what God has in store for them, man, it is hard to see her go. 

Mandy, I have loved living these last ten years with you in my life as a close friend.

God has blessed my life through you and your friendship in more ways than I will ever know. 

I love you so much!

{Now, if I can just stop crying!}

Lots of Baseball

This past weekend there was baseball with Grandpa Tom in the play room . . . 

And baseball with Dad, Grandma Rhonda and Uncle (yes, all the kids just call him "uncle"!)

Birthday Pre-Party

This past weekend was the big July/August family birthday party celebration for Zoe, Claire and two of my sister's kids, Brady and Sydney. Jason's dad from Texas came Friday at noon, along with his mom and Grandma (who had not yet met our new kids). The actual birthday party was at our house on Saturday. But we started celebrating early at my sister's house the night before. 

All of the guys out on the deck at Kate's house.

The four girls came upstairs at one point having been playing "dress up." See the super cute red dress Claire is wearing?

Um, yeah . . . that is my sister's PROM DRESS!!! It fit nearly perfectly and looked ridiculously cute on Claire (so Kate let her bring it home for fun). Just add that - along with the fact that she and I basically share all of our clothes now - to the growing list of things I certainly did not anticipate experiencing with my daughter only nine months after she arrived. God's ways are so much higher than ours!

With the big birthday party weekend, Jason and I fully expected Zoe to struggle. And, it happened. Since Sunday we have had lots and lots of control and manipulation going on. And man! As much as I knew to expect it, I have such a hard time adjusting back to the mode of parenting needed for RAD behavior. I am so thankful for the four really good weeks we had in July. Wow, they were so wonderful. But, boy, they make the going back to RAD-parenting seem even harder. On Monday, I asked God if this could please be the last time we have to go backward before she is healed and attached. (While I know God can do anything, I know this is probably not realistic). I honestly didn't know if I could manage it much longer. I had such a hard time getting my heart to fully trust that God is in control - even when the behavior was so crazy and pushed every single last button I have.

Thankfully, by the grace of God, after three days, I am finally in the mental, emotional and spiritual place I need to be to effectively deal with the RAD behavior (because really the issues those three days were just as much with ME). Translated, this means I am completely helpless and need Jesus to help me every step of the way. It means I trust that God IS in control and I believe with my whole heart that He IS working everything I see with my eyes for our good and His glory. It means He WILL give me everything I need for life and godliness (i.e. parenting this behavior). It means I believe God is for me and that He is fighting this battle. It means I pray a lot more for my daughter's healing and attachment.

I am in my own attachment and trust dance with my Creator, have you noticed this? Self-sufficiency is one of my sinful tendencies and it creeps in ever so slightly, but grows and grows until God has to lovingly take away my control and help me trust Him fully again and depend on His Word alone. It is so similar to parenting my daughter.

Need Your Teeth Brushed?

Abram would be happy to help you out! 

 Last week he asked Claire if she would play "dentist" with him. 

She's such a good sport. And Isaiah is a good cup holder.

I completely laughed my head off when I went in the bathroom and saw this whole scene!

Reading

One of my current favorite things lately is watching - or just hearing - Abram "read." Hearing what he comes up with to retell the stories he has heard many times is just the cutest darn thing. 

And speaking of reading, I started back up teaching the girls to read a few weeks ago (after a faulty start at the beginning of the summer!). I started with Explode the Code and Zoe whizzed through the entire first book with little to no help from me! Claire struggled with it a lot. So, I am onto my third method in teaching Claire to read: "Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons." I think I will be sticking with this one. I think it is best suited to help her with her struggle to learn to read. I may actually use it with Zoe, too, to fill in any gaps she may have from teaching herself to read English. :)