Here are some random topics I'm feeling the need to provide some follow-up on.
Follow-up Item No.1 Our African kids' birthdays. I posted them awhile go (primarily for some families members who asked) and Jason informed me I posted them incorrectly. Oops! Claire: July 25 (turning 11), Zoe: August 19 (turning 9), Isaiah: October 12 (turning 4)
Follow-up Item No. 2 Zoe's card to Jason for his birthday. I had said I couldn't wait to post what Zoe wrote on Jason's birthday card. However, after Jason read it, he preferred for me to not post it because it was so incredible - almost a sacred glimpse into her soul.
Follow-up Item No 3 A very good comment regarding a statement I made in my blog post yesterday.
My statement was, "while adopting older and/or special needs children is extremely difficult, it is also extremely DOABLE." Here is the comment my friend Sandra made (and I am very thankful she brought up these important thoughts!):
Thanks so much for this article and your individual thoughts. I see your point and respect where it is coming from, but I disagree that it is extremely doable for everyone - especially for families who need two incomes or families where the Mom's job provides the insurance, etc.
Mom's need to know upfront that they will need to be at home providing safe boundaries for a long time (years!)
In the China program, we've seen alot of older kid/SN adoptions disrupted because the parents were simply not able to... or willing to... or maybe did not have the skill to...
I think alot of parents thought, "OK! Our kid is in 3rd grade so we'll just put them in school." But you know it simply is not like that for kids from hard places.
If anyone is thinking of adopting an older child or a child with special needs, I highly recommend ALOT of reading and meeting other adoptive parents (like you!) who have walked that beautiful journey.
I am SO THANKFUL for Sandra's wise input. When I went back just now and read my own words "extremely DOABLE," I'm wondering what I was smoking yesterday?!? Sheesh! Yes, it is "doable" to adopt older kids and parent them to healing, but it does come at a high price (staying home all the time, not seeing friends much, no other commitments, I could probably go on and on). And it is definitely not for everyone.
I think my heart in saying what I said is that I don't want people to so easily say, "adopting older children isn't for me because it is too hard" or because "I'm scared of the issues the kids will have." I loved the article that I mentioned because it encouraged people to consider adopting older children. I think what I should have said (instead of "extremely DOABLE" - yikes!) is that adopting older kids will be more than you can handle. But, that "more than you can handle" is DOABLE through JESUS. There. That is what I meant to say!
The Lee Three
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Friday, May 25, 2012
Some Commentary on Older Child Adoption
My friend, Janel, passed onto me this EXCELLENT blog post called The New Faces of International Adoption.
I agree with so many of the things the author says. Her main point is that most people she talks to (she facilitates international adoptions) want to adopt a healthy infant. But, the majority of the 147 million orphans in the world are not healthy infants.
She says,
I don’t feel that it’s ever right to try and guilt-trip someone into adopting, but it is good to offer people different perspectives and to challenge preconceived ideas. Not every family can or should adopt a special needs or an older child, but I would ask those families who say they “really want to make a difference” to think about ways in which they can make the biggest impact on one of the thousands of desperate, adoptable children who are waiting, waiting, waiting, right now.
I am not aware of any adoption program, anywhere in the world where healthy, adoptable infants are sitting in orphanages waiting for families.
I agree with so many of the things the author says. Her main point is that most people she talks to (she facilitates international adoptions) want to adopt a healthy infant. But, the majority of the 147 million orphans in the world are not healthy infants.
She says,
I don’t feel that it’s ever right to try and guilt-trip someone into adopting, but it is good to offer people different perspectives and to challenge preconceived ideas. Not every family can or should adopt a special needs or an older child, but I would ask those families who say they “really want to make a difference” to think about ways in which they can make the biggest impact on one of the thousands of desperate, adoptable children who are waiting, waiting, waiting, right now.
I am not aware of any adoption program, anywhere in the world where healthy, adoptable infants are sitting in orphanages waiting for families.
I thought I would share the little knowledge I have on this last statement because I don't agree with it fully. While healthy, adoptable infants are not sitting in orphanages in Congo waiting for families, MLJ Adoptions IS facilitating adoptions of infants (even infant girls) from Congo. The reason (from my limited knowledge) why healthy, adoptable infants are not sitting in orphanages waiting to be adopted is because there are plenty of families willing to adopt these infants. As soon as an infant gets arrives at an orphanage and is deemed adoptable (parental rights terminated or abandonment proved), MLJ can move that child to a foster home because there is a family ready to adopt him or her.
While I don't agree fully with the author's second statement above, I DO whole-heartedly agree with the point of her post: the majority of children waiting to be adopted in our world are older children or children with special needs.
My overall reaction to reading her well-written post is that while adopting older and/or special needs children is extremely difficult, it is also extremely DOABLE. There are great resources available to "normal" families to address the issues you may face. And it is doable primarily because Jesus is ALIVE and He cares about the fatherless and He promises to never leave us or forsake us as we care for them. HE will do the work in these children's lives through us . . . if only we give Him the chance. (And He might just change our lives, too, while we are at it!)
One more thing while I am on the topic - okay, soapbox - of older children adoption. There is something I have been wanting to say for about a month: After having our children home almost seven months now, I can say with a good deal of confidence that our ten year old girl has LESS attachment/adoption issues than our boy who came home to us at age three.
(There is a lot of commentary I could give on this but nap time is almost over so I will just leave it at that!)
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Thankful for Monday
*I started this post this past Monday and then life happened. Finished it today!
Yes, I said I am thankful it is Monday. Very thankful. Like most of you, I typically do not care for Mondays much. But, today I am very thankful for a new start to a new week and a new start to our regular schedule and routine.
We had our two most normal/best weeks yet a couple weeks ago. And then last Sunday Jason went on a business trip for four full days. And I over did the "let's do special things out of our routine since dad is gone." Lesson LEARNED.
The days while Jason was gone actually went really well.
{A sidenote cute story: Jason left really early Sunday morning. Getting the kids ready for church by myself went super well. But, when I dropped Abram off at his class at church, he was the most sad I have EVER seen him, not letting go of me. Later at lunch when my sister asked Abram why he was so sad at church Abram said in a slow, sad voice, "because I lost my Daddy." That sweet boy is definitely a Daddy's boy.}
Last Wednesday (the last day Jason was gone) became difficult by the afternoon. But God provided a meal for dinner from a friend which saved dinner time. And that afternoon, just when I was about to lose. my. mind. doing Claire's hair (I was doing it the "new" way I learned from my friend, which meant it was like starting all over in learning how to do braids . . . UGH!) . . . in walked my friend Jill to my back door, right where I was standing. God knew that I was hanging onto the last strand of my rope and He said, "here you go . . . here is some encouragement for you JUST when you need it." He is so good, people! So good.
Thursday through Sunday were H.A.R.D. For a number of reasons, a great deal of them involving MYSELF and my issues! Every RAD symptom in both of my girls made their full appearances those four days. Control, manipulation, complaining and sassiness were on full throttle. And continued through yesterday. Okay, fine. It is not like I haven't experienced these frustrating things before. The bigger problem with all of these things was that MOM was totally not prepared for it. At all. After having two of our best weeks and then a few fun days while dad was gone, my expectations were on "normal-life" mode. Not therapeutic parenting/my kids are not yet healthy and fully attached mode. So instead of having my positive, I'm-not-going-to-let-your-control-affect-my-emotions-attitude, every complaint and grumble out of the girls' mouths got under my skin. Not good.
Even yesterday one of my daughter's was grumbling about every last thing (when she throws a fit and is mad because the lemonade I made is yellow . . . wow, that's a pretty clear sign that RAD is going on!). While I was praying and asking Jesus to help me stay calm and positive, I was also asking God why it is harder to love this child now than it was a few months ago.
I think it is a new ball game now that we have seen some healthy life in all of our kids, but then they regress back to the old, survival behaviors. I have known in my head this will happen. But, experiencing it is another thing. And it has everything to do with my expectations. It is hard to bounce my expectations around as their behaviors change. By the end of yesterday (Wednesday) I finally felt like I was back in therapeutic parenting mode - expecting the girls to have crazy behaviors.
It is a crazy ride as the kids make progress toward attachment and then regress and then move forward again. At one point early in this week I honestly felt like my daughters were strangers walking around in my house. I hate that it is true, but even after nearly seven months home - when the crazy behaviors are soaring high - my feeling of connectedness to them is quite low (as I am sure theirs is to me as well). Always a good opportunity to trust that God is working when I can't see it. And then today - just three days later- I had the most incredible conversation and bonding time with one of my daugthers. She told me she is often scared of dying. So, I shared the gospel with her and we prayed together for Jesus to forgive her sins. WHAT?? She then went on to tell me many details from life in the orphanage. During that conversation, while I was walking and she was riding her bike, I couldn't imagine her not being my daughter.
Both girls are doing quite well as of today. Being home a lot, back on our normal routine has helped a ton. That, and me depending more fully on Jesus. If anything, last week was a great lesson/reminder that even when it appears the kids are doing well, we still have a LONG way to go to permanent attachment and healing. From now on when the kids are doing well we are going to keep on keeping on with our stay-close-to-home routine instead of going and doing more things that I think they are ready for - or rather, that I usually want to do.
Yes, I said I am thankful it is Monday. Very thankful. Like most of you, I typically do not care for Mondays much. But, today I am very thankful for a new start to a new week and a new start to our regular schedule and routine.
We had our two most normal/best weeks yet a couple weeks ago. And then last Sunday Jason went on a business trip for four full days. And I over did the "let's do special things out of our routine since dad is gone." Lesson LEARNED.
The days while Jason was gone actually went really well.
{A sidenote cute story: Jason left really early Sunday morning. Getting the kids ready for church by myself went super well. But, when I dropped Abram off at his class at church, he was the most sad I have EVER seen him, not letting go of me. Later at lunch when my sister asked Abram why he was so sad at church Abram said in a slow, sad voice, "because I lost my Daddy." That sweet boy is definitely a Daddy's boy.}
Last Wednesday (the last day Jason was gone) became difficult by the afternoon. But God provided a meal for dinner from a friend which saved dinner time. And that afternoon, just when I was about to lose. my. mind. doing Claire's hair (I was doing it the "new" way I learned from my friend, which meant it was like starting all over in learning how to do braids . . . UGH!) . . . in walked my friend Jill to my back door, right where I was standing. God knew that I was hanging onto the last strand of my rope and He said, "here you go . . . here is some encouragement for you JUST when you need it." He is so good, people! So good.
Thursday through Sunday were H.A.R.D. For a number of reasons, a great deal of them involving MYSELF and my issues! Every RAD symptom in both of my girls made their full appearances those four days. Control, manipulation, complaining and sassiness were on full throttle. And continued through yesterday. Okay, fine. It is not like I haven't experienced these frustrating things before. The bigger problem with all of these things was that MOM was totally not prepared for it. At all. After having two of our best weeks and then a few fun days while dad was gone, my expectations were on "normal-life" mode. Not therapeutic parenting/my kids are not yet healthy and fully attached mode. So instead of having my positive, I'm-not-going-to-let-your-control-affect-my-emotions-attitude, every complaint and grumble out of the girls' mouths got under my skin. Not good.
Even yesterday one of my daughter's was grumbling about every last thing (when she throws a fit and is mad because the lemonade I made is yellow . . . wow, that's a pretty clear sign that RAD is going on!). While I was praying and asking Jesus to help me stay calm and positive, I was also asking God why it is harder to love this child now than it was a few months ago.
I think it is a new ball game now that we have seen some healthy life in all of our kids, but then they regress back to the old, survival behaviors. I have known in my head this will happen. But, experiencing it is another thing. And it has everything to do with my expectations. It is hard to bounce my expectations around as their behaviors change. By the end of yesterday (Wednesday) I finally felt like I was back in therapeutic parenting mode - expecting the girls to have crazy behaviors.
It is a crazy ride as the kids make progress toward attachment and then regress and then move forward again. At one point early in this week I honestly felt like my daughters were strangers walking around in my house. I hate that it is true, but even after nearly seven months home - when the crazy behaviors are soaring high - my feeling of connectedness to them is quite low (as I am sure theirs is to me as well). Always a good opportunity to trust that God is working when I can't see it. And then today - just three days later- I had the most incredible conversation and bonding time with one of my daugthers. She told me she is often scared of dying. So, I shared the gospel with her and we prayed together for Jesus to forgive her sins. WHAT?? She then went on to tell me many details from life in the orphanage. During that conversation, while I was walking and she was riding her bike, I couldn't imagine her not being my daughter.
Both girls are doing quite well as of today. Being home a lot, back on our normal routine has helped a ton. That, and me depending more fully on Jesus. If anything, last week was a great lesson/reminder that even when it appears the kids are doing well, we still have a LONG way to go to permanent attachment and healing. From now on when the kids are doing well we are going to keep on keeping on with our stay-close-to-home routine instead of going and doing more things that I think they are ready for - or rather, that I usually want to do.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
18 Short Years
Two of my very good friends have launched a new blog: 18 Short Years: a parenting blog. Great, Christ-centered parenting encouragement not only from the two of them, but a variety of guest bloggers from time-to-time.
You should definitely check it out!
You should definitely check it out!
Monday, May 14, 2012
Oh, Those Heart-Strings
I wrote about heart-strings last month. What I knew in principal, I learned by experience not a handful of days after I wrote that post.
We had spent a good part of one Saturday with my sister and her family for Abram and Mya's birthday party. I LOVE that my girls and my sister's girls get along so well. But, one of my daughter's has an increasingly hard time when it is time to be done playing with them. Irrational meltdowns, unreasonable attitudes, etc. That next day at church, my daughter was desperate to find Mya (my niece), hold her hand and make sure that they got to sit together. As I watched my daughter in this frantic, desperate-like frenzy to be with Mya as if her world revolved around Mya, the light bulb went off in my head: her heart-strings . . . she was trying like crazy to attach them to Mya.
Mya (8 years old) and Sydney (almost 6 years old) are the only "friends" we have intentionally let our girls have right now. We have not taken this decision lightly and it is not easy to hold to. My girls ask to have friends, or complain about not having friends or cry because they had a lot of friends in their former country often. It is hard to keep saying "not yet." But, I know it is the best thing for our girls until they are more firmly attached to us.
Watching my daughter's heart and security move away from me and toward another (albeit my beautiful niece) on that Sunday a few weeks ago only provided more affirmation that this is the best decision for us still.
Fast-forward to this past Thursday. We were in my sister's yard playing. Kate's four kids and my four kids plus our friend, Becky, and her five kids. Three of Becky's kids have been very good friends with my sister's kids for years and her other two kids just came home from the same country as our African kids. All thirteen kids (holy cow!) were playing happily at first.
And then my daughter who is drawn to tie her heart strings to Mya saw that Mya and one of Becky's daughters were playing together. Off the playing scene my daughter sauntered, head down, cheeks wet from tears. I went to her to talk to her, knowing why she was probably upset. While I'm sure part of her was sad seeing that Mya was not her own (which is GOOD for her), she said in a mad tone, "I need more friends." Ahhhhh! My heart hurt for her. I gave her a hug, encouraged that she at least was willing to tell me why she was upset (that is progress, folks!). I reminded her that we are still working on being a family. For the first time I went on a limb and told her that once she trusts me fully to be her mommy, THEN she can have friends (not knowing if she really understood what I was saying). I reassured her that she will have friends in the future.
I knew this little talk would would not "solve" her problem. And, of course, it didn't. She continued in her funk.
I went back to hang out with Kate and Becky and my girl continued her very slow, sulking walk all the way around the pond. She hasn't been in a funk like that - one that I'm not familiar with - in quite awhile. Lately when she gets in a funk, I have grown to know her well enough to know why and to know what needs to happen for her to come out of it (time, rocking, being funny/playful, etc.).
I kept my eye on her as she continued around the pond. I began to get that punched-in-the-gut feeling that I used to get frequently when one of the girls would get in a funk and I didn't know what to do to help her out of it. My heart would have given her 10 friends in that moment if I could . . .but I knew that was not what she needed. In fact, I didn't know WHAT she needed to come back into connection with the rest of us. And that led me to begin to pray for her. I prayed, "Lord, please orchestrate things (with all these kids and three moms in this yard) to meet the needs deep in my daugher's heart that only You understand."
I kid you not - within one minute I watched Becky's oldest 10 year-old girl walk down to my girl and start talking to her. Thirty seconds later, my nephew, Brady, yelled my girl's name loudly, inviting her to where a lot of the kids were playing on the hammock. She was reluctant, but after a little while she inched her way slowly to where the other kids were. Another few minutes later I looked over and she was all smiles, having a ton of fun.
Within two minutes, right in front of my face, Jesus answered my prayer and met the needs of my daughter that I could not meet. Another obstacle in the road to attachment overcome by the power of God. My heart was so relieved.
And my trust in God to keep holding the line with my kids and let Him do the work in their hearts grew. It is often so tempting to give in to the girls when they want something (like friends or going to school) that I know will make them happy right now (what parent isn't tempted by this!!). I don't enjoy holding the line for them when I know it will result in them being upset and having a reaction that I have no idea how to handle. But, God showed me AGAIN that He is FAITHFUL and that He WILL COME THROUGH for me when I depend on Him.
The work of healing, attachment and redemption is God's. I just need to be obedient to Him.
We had spent a good part of one Saturday with my sister and her family for Abram and Mya's birthday party. I LOVE that my girls and my sister's girls get along so well. But, one of my daughter's has an increasingly hard time when it is time to be done playing with them. Irrational meltdowns, unreasonable attitudes, etc. That next day at church, my daughter was desperate to find Mya (my niece), hold her hand and make sure that they got to sit together. As I watched my daughter in this frantic, desperate-like frenzy to be with Mya as if her world revolved around Mya, the light bulb went off in my head: her heart-strings . . . she was trying like crazy to attach them to Mya.
Mya (8 years old) and Sydney (almost 6 years old) are the only "friends" we have intentionally let our girls have right now. We have not taken this decision lightly and it is not easy to hold to. My girls ask to have friends, or complain about not having friends or cry because they had a lot of friends in their former country often. It is hard to keep saying "not yet." But, I know it is the best thing for our girls until they are more firmly attached to us.
Watching my daughter's heart and security move away from me and toward another (albeit my beautiful niece) on that Sunday a few weeks ago only provided more affirmation that this is the best decision for us still.
Fast-forward to this past Thursday. We were in my sister's yard playing. Kate's four kids and my four kids plus our friend, Becky, and her five kids. Three of Becky's kids have been very good friends with my sister's kids for years and her other two kids just came home from the same country as our African kids. All thirteen kids (holy cow!) were playing happily at first.
And then my daughter who is drawn to tie her heart strings to Mya saw that Mya and one of Becky's daughters were playing together. Off the playing scene my daughter sauntered, head down, cheeks wet from tears. I went to her to talk to her, knowing why she was probably upset. While I'm sure part of her was sad seeing that Mya was not her own (which is GOOD for her), she said in a mad tone, "I need more friends." Ahhhhh! My heart hurt for her. I gave her a hug, encouraged that she at least was willing to tell me why she was upset (that is progress, folks!). I reminded her that we are still working on being a family. For the first time I went on a limb and told her that once she trusts me fully to be her mommy, THEN she can have friends (not knowing if she really understood what I was saying). I reassured her that she will have friends in the future.
I knew this little talk would would not "solve" her problem. And, of course, it didn't. She continued in her funk.
I went back to hang out with Kate and Becky and my girl continued her very slow, sulking walk all the way around the pond. She hasn't been in a funk like that - one that I'm not familiar with - in quite awhile. Lately when she gets in a funk, I have grown to know her well enough to know why and to know what needs to happen for her to come out of it (time, rocking, being funny/playful, etc.).
I kept my eye on her as she continued around the pond. I began to get that punched-in-the-gut feeling that I used to get frequently when one of the girls would get in a funk and I didn't know what to do to help her out of it. My heart would have given her 10 friends in that moment if I could . . .but I knew that was not what she needed. In fact, I didn't know WHAT she needed to come back into connection with the rest of us. And that led me to begin to pray for her. I prayed, "Lord, please orchestrate things (with all these kids and three moms in this yard) to meet the needs deep in my daugher's heart that only You understand."
I kid you not - within one minute I watched Becky's oldest 10 year-old girl walk down to my girl and start talking to her. Thirty seconds later, my nephew, Brady, yelled my girl's name loudly, inviting her to where a lot of the kids were playing on the hammock. She was reluctant, but after a little while she inched her way slowly to where the other kids were. Another few minutes later I looked over and she was all smiles, having a ton of fun.
Within two minutes, right in front of my face, Jesus answered my prayer and met the needs of my daughter that I could not meet. Another obstacle in the road to attachment overcome by the power of God. My heart was so relieved.
And my trust in God to keep holding the line with my kids and let Him do the work in their hearts grew. It is often so tempting to give in to the girls when they want something (like friends or going to school) that I know will make them happy right now (what parent isn't tempted by this!!). I don't enjoy holding the line for them when I know it will result in them being upset and having a reaction that I have no idea how to handle. But, God showed me AGAIN that He is FAITHFUL and that He WILL COME THROUGH for me when I depend on Him.
The work of healing, attachment and redemption is God's. I just need to be obedient to Him.
Friday, May 11, 2012
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Six Things Adoption Has Taught Him
“What if God’s will for our life is found wherever someone’s need and our ability intersect?”
This was a great post from Shaun Groves yesterday on a blog called Simple Mom.
This was a great post from Shaun Groves yesterday on a blog called Simple Mom.
"When you start to feel stressed . . .
let those feelings alert you to your need for Me. Thus, your needs become doorways to deep dependence on Me and increasing intimacy between us."
LOVED reading this in my Jesus Calling book this morning.
LOVED reading this in my Jesus Calling book this morning.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Our Trek Through Ledges
This past Sunday afternoon we took a little family trip to Ledges, a state park not far from home.
Half way down the big, winding hill.
Claire loves the big sister role.
I love this picture of Jason and Zoe. It is so symbolic of our first six months having the kids home. The kids are learning to trust that they can depend on us to meet their needs and navigate this thing called life.
And clearly, they are making progress!
The boys had a blast throwing rocks in the water . . .
And running . . .
And climbing!
I'm pretty sure Claire could live in the water after seeing her at Ledges. Although at home she is my child that would prefer to sit on the couch and read books or listen to music all day . . . get her outside and she is the EXPLORER of the family. It is so surprising to me . . . but I love it!
Claire put Abram on her back by herself and started carrying him through the water. For a moment I thought I was in Africa watching this take place!
Needless to say, the kids LOVED going to Ledges. I'm pretty sure we will be going back many more times.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Monday, May 7, 2012
A Fun Wednesday Night
Here is the other gift from last week that I mentioned in my last post: It was Owen Scott's Gotcha Day! A year ago May 2nd he arrived home and into the arms of our great friends, Bobby and Maria. We were there at the airport when he came home, too, along with the Lelands. So, Bobby and Maria had us all come over to celebrate last Wednesday.
Kurt & Lisa Leland (top right corner in the picture below) adopted two boys, Jayden (blue shirt) and Tate (smiling in the orange shirt), who arrived home a couple months ago. Lisa blogs here. There is Owen smiling with water in his mouth in the light red shirt.
(This picture is not as close up as on my computer, but it is the most stunning picture of Claire I have seen. It literally took my breath away when I saw it. Let's not talk about the fact that she looks 15!)
Needless to say, it was a super fun night with good friends!
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Good & Perfect Gifts
God gave me many this week.
Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights who does not change like shifting shadows. James 1:17
Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights who does not change like shifting shadows. James 1:17
1 . . . The most normal week with the kids since they have been home! "Normal" is hard to explain but it felt like coming up for air. Stepping off the roller coaster . . . for a whole week! The girls were calm, content and pleasant to be around (for the most part, of course). I enjoyed the girls - rather than bearing with them in love much of the time. It was truly a gift from God. I know the roller coaster will continue until they are fully healed and attached, but I enjoyed this blessing while it lasted.
2 . . . Hair help. About a month ago God crossed my path with a gal at Target (Jason knew her boyfriend). She is African American and had the cutest natural hair going on. After we talked hair for awhile she told me she styles hair on the side and would be happy to help me. YES, please! This past Friday the girls and I went to see her. She gave me a crash course in how to better maintain the girls' hair, how to do their extensions (braids) better and show me a couple other styles I can do with their natural hair. I cannot tell you the gift from God this was fo me. I have known it is important to take care of their hair well, but attachment, healing and dealing with RAD have taking priority these past six months. I tried looking at websites, but what I found was helpful for younger girls' hair styles or older girls who have really long hair. Nothing seemed to be helpful for my girls' older ages and short hair. And besides, I learn the best having someone sit in front of me and show me what to do (in all things of life). I feel like God decided, "Jen, now is the time to give your girls' hair more attention and here is someone (at Target!) to help you." He is so good to provide what I need, when He knows I need it.
3 . . . Going to get hair help turned into an unintentional girls morning out with my girls. I took the boys to Kate's in the morning and after getting the hair help from my new friend, I saw a few garage sale signs. I have been trying to tell the girls about the joy and value of garage sales so it was fun to take them to a few. By the last garage sale we were all hungry, Zoe especially. I took them to McDonalds and we had lunch together, which they LOVED. When we got back in the van Zoe said happily "My hungry is all gone . . . thank you, mom." My heart completely melted. This was the second unprompted thank you I have gotten from my sweet girl who is still working hard to trust that I will not leave her. Both girls were so lighthearted and happy during our time together. I know they enjoyed it and it brought me SO MUCH JOY!!
4 . . . Another phone call with Jen Summers on Thursday night. I have been finding myself in a new ball game lately. The kids are definitely in the middle of attaching and healing (praise the Lord!) and have made some great progress lately.This has meant less crazy behavior. At the same time, though, my competence and confidence in parenting therapeutically to deal with crazy behavior has increased. But, I don't need to do it quite as much . . . but I feel like I should be. I've been wrestling with this. Talking to Jen helped me wade through my confusion, turn my eyes to Jesus alone (and not the stuff I read in therapeutic parenting books) and trust Him fully to continue the work He is doing. A much needed gift from God!
5 . . . Our second overnight getaway from the kids last night and all day today. We had dinner with good, good friends (three other couples) last night, stayed in a hotel in Des Moines and had no agenda today. We watched two movies before getting out of bed this morning. How is that for relaxing?!? Jason and I were able to talk (even dream a little) about things other than how to get through this present week's crisis. That in itself was a huge gift! Another big gift: part-way through our second movie this morning I missed my kids - all four of them! It was such a blessing to feel the growth of my own attachment to my kids compared to the last time Jason and I went away.
2 . . . Hair help. About a month ago God crossed my path with a gal at Target (Jason knew her boyfriend). She is African American and had the cutest natural hair going on. After we talked hair for awhile she told me she styles hair on the side and would be happy to help me. YES, please! This past Friday the girls and I went to see her. She gave me a crash course in how to better maintain the girls' hair, how to do their extensions (braids) better and show me a couple other styles I can do with their natural hair. I cannot tell you the gift from God this was fo me. I have known it is important to take care of their hair well, but attachment, healing and dealing with RAD have taking priority these past six months. I tried looking at websites, but what I found was helpful for younger girls' hair styles or older girls who have really long hair. Nothing seemed to be helpful for my girls' older ages and short hair. And besides, I learn the best having someone sit in front of me and show me what to do (in all things of life). I feel like God decided, "Jen, now is the time to give your girls' hair more attention and here is someone (at Target!) to help you." He is so good to provide what I need, when He knows I need it.
3 . . . Going to get hair help turned into an unintentional girls morning out with my girls. I took the boys to Kate's in the morning and after getting the hair help from my new friend, I saw a few garage sale signs. I have been trying to tell the girls about the joy and value of garage sales so it was fun to take them to a few. By the last garage sale we were all hungry, Zoe especially. I took them to McDonalds and we had lunch together, which they LOVED. When we got back in the van Zoe said happily "My hungry is all gone . . . thank you, mom." My heart completely melted. This was the second unprompted thank you I have gotten from my sweet girl who is still working hard to trust that I will not leave her. Both girls were so lighthearted and happy during our time together. I know they enjoyed it and it brought me SO MUCH JOY!!
4 . . . Another phone call with Jen Summers on Thursday night. I have been finding myself in a new ball game lately. The kids are definitely in the middle of attaching and healing (praise the Lord!) and have made some great progress lately.This has meant less crazy behavior. At the same time, though, my competence and confidence in parenting therapeutically to deal with crazy behavior has increased. But, I don't need to do it quite as much . . . but I feel like I should be. I've been wrestling with this. Talking to Jen helped me wade through my confusion, turn my eyes to Jesus alone (and not the stuff I read in therapeutic parenting books) and trust Him fully to continue the work He is doing. A much needed gift from God!
5 . . . Our second overnight getaway from the kids last night and all day today. We had dinner with good, good friends (three other couples) last night, stayed in a hotel in Des Moines and had no agenda today. We watched two movies before getting out of bed this morning. How is that for relaxing?!? Jason and I were able to talk (even dream a little) about things other than how to get through this present week's crisis. That in itself was a huge gift! Another big gift: part-way through our second movie this morning I missed my kids - all four of them! It was such a blessing to feel the growth of my own attachment to my kids compared to the last time Jason and I went away.
6 . . . New curtains. If you know me, you know decorating and organizing are two of my favorite hobbies. But, again, in the last six months - nearly nonexistent in my life. Which I have been totally okay with. We have officially lived in this house for a year now (woohoo!). But, I have never loved the feel of my living room. Something was just off. I finally figured out that it was my curtains.
So, I used my birthday money to buy new curtains and I feel like I took a big breath of fresh air in my living room. From the picture, it looks like snowflakes on them, but it is an Asian-ish pattern. It changes the whole feel (hard to see from picture, but you get the idea). These curtains are such a little, non-important, unnecessary thing in the grand scheme of life, but a gift from God nonetheless. I love that He loves to give little, non-important gifts like this to his children.
(The boys are eating their bananas in the morning. They are usually really hungry rigth after they wake up so I have them eat bananas.)
7 . . . Wednesday night was also a wonderful gift, but that is for another post coming soon.
Needless to say, I have been blown away by God's goodness this week and I'm thankful for the many good gifts He gave me.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
My Not-So-Baby-Girl
Sometimes I have little moments like this . . .
When I look at my very-growing-up 10+ year old oldest daughter sleeping on the couch so soundly . . .
And I look at her like a mom looks at her newborn baby sleeping so peacefully, loving to just look at her.
Feeling in my heart like she is a six month old baby. Because . . . to my heart she is a six month old.
When I was looking at my daughter sleeping one afternoon this week, I felt pangs of grief deep in my stomach - beginning to ache for the many years I didn't get to be a part of her life. Of course logically I know why I was not part of her life, but my heart wants to have been there. I am her mom, after all.
This made me think about and re-read a blog post by Katie Davis (Kisses from Katie) last August that I will never forget.
(An excerpt...)
I want her to be a baby so I can strap her on me and hold her there and she will feel secure and safe and protected. I want to be the person who taught her to write her name and how much fun it is to make mud pies, and I want to be the person who laughed with her when she lost her first tooth. I want to know where the scars came from that she can’t remember the stories about, and I want to be the person who wiped her tears when she fell.
But I know that is not how God intended it.
He did not choose me for those moments, He chose me for these. I entered motherhood through a
different door, and I get a different kind of stretch marks.
I believe that He held her all the years that I didn’t . . . I believe that He carried her all the way here to this new family and I believe that His hand is on her still.
I could never say it better than those words say it. That God held my daughter all the years I didn't and carried her to this family . . .
This extraordinary knowledge is beyond me. It is lofty; I am unable to reach it. Psalm 139:6 (Holman)
It is extremely comforting to know that my heavenly Father knows all of the details of my daughter's life and has had His hand upon her life.
Twice this week Claire has asked me to come lay with her in bed because she was sad. One night she and shared some heart-breaking things for the first time that happened to her when she was younger. I wrapped my arms all the way around her and snuggled up as close to her as I could as we both cried and cried together. Picturing her as a little girl and thinking about what happened to her then, I could not help but cry out to God and ask how such a small child could bear the weight of such pain. And how can her young heart even process it now? And yes it is wonderful that God has given her two loving parents now. But how does a child process having parents once and then not having them and then having different ones all the way around the world? It is too much for my own soul to try to think about.
I will never understand these things. But, I find rest in the One who does understand and I know this is the answer:
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3 (NIV)
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18 (NIV)
Jesus, I praise You because you are HEALER. Thank you for binding up the wounds of the brokenhearted. Please continue Your work in our children. Redeem their lives for your glory.
And thank you, Jesus, for choosing me for these moments of my daughter's life.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Loving Intentionally, Without the Feelings
Last week I read two great posts on this blog. She wrote two posts about what it is like to intentionally - without any feelings of love - love the kids you adopt. (Similar to what Jen Summer's posted last week, but a much different style.) And then what it is like when the feelings finally come. Here's the first post. And second post.
Ironically, on another blog I follow, the woman wrote about the same thing this week - again, in her own way.
I always love reading things that are going on inside of me but don't have words of my own yet. My feelings of love for my kids (or feeling like they are really mine) are definitely growing, but it is a slow process. It takes time. Many days those feelings are just not there and it is an intentional choice to pour out affection and nurture. As I have said a few times, that is okay. While I feel like my African kids have been with us for way longer than six months, six months in our family is really only a blip of time in the grand scheme of life and how long (God willing) they will be part of my life going forward.
The feelings of my kids really being mine is God's work to do and He is faithful.
Ironically, on another blog I follow, the woman wrote about the same thing this week - again, in her own way.
I always love reading things that are going on inside of me but don't have words of my own yet. My feelings of love for my kids (or feeling like they are really mine) are definitely growing, but it is a slow process. It takes time. Many days those feelings are just not there and it is an intentional choice to pour out affection and nurture. As I have said a few times, that is okay. While I feel like my African kids have been with us for way longer than six months, six months in our family is really only a blip of time in the grand scheme of life and how long (God willing) they will be part of my life going forward.
The feelings of my kids really being mine is God's work to do and He is faithful.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Just Some Pictures
Abram talking on the "phone" that Zoe created.
Beautiful (taken by Isaiah!)
Claire had been asking to have roller blades since we found some for Zoe. Not something we are going to go buy new for her. But, my Goodwill hunting paid off again! I found another pair of K2 roller blades (evidently this is a really good brand - $100 new) in Claire's size for $6.59. God is so good to provide fun little gifts like this to us.
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