Thankful for Monday

*I started this post this past Monday and then life happened. Finished it today!

Yes, I said I am thankful it is Monday. Very thankful. Like most of you, I typically do not care for Mondays much. But, today I am very thankful for a new start to a new week and a new start to our regular schedule and routine.

We had our two most normal/best weeks yet a couple weeks ago. And then last Sunday Jason went on a business trip for four full days. And I over did the "let's do special things out of our routine since dad is gone." Lesson LEARNED.

The days while Jason was gone actually went really well.

{A sidenote cute story: Jason left really early Sunday morning. Getting the kids ready for church by myself went super well. But, when I dropped Abram off at his class at church, he was the most sad I have EVER seen him, not letting go of me. Later at lunch when my sister asked Abram why he was so sad at church Abram said in a slow, sad voice, "because I lost my Daddy." That sweet boy is definitely a Daddy's boy.}

Last Wednesday (the last day Jason was gone) became difficult by the afternoon. But God provided a meal for dinner from a friend which saved dinner time. And that afternoon, just when I was about to lose. my. mind. doing Claire's hair (I was doing it the "new" way I learned from my friend, which meant it was like starting all over in learning how to do braids . . . UGH!) . . .  in walked my friend Jill to my back door, right where I was standing. God knew that I was hanging onto the last strand of my rope and He said, "here you go . . . here is some encouragement for you JUST when you need it." He is so good, people! So good.

Thursday through Sunday were H.A.R.D. For a number of reasons, a great deal of them involving MYSELF and my issues! Every RAD symptom in both of my girls made their full appearances those four days. Control, manipulation, complaining and sassiness were on full throttle. And continued through yesterday. Okay, fine. It is not like I haven't experienced these frustrating things before. The bigger problem with all of these things was that MOM was totally not prepared for it. At all. After having two of our best weeks and then a few fun days while dad was gone, my expectations were on "normal-life" mode. Not therapeutic parenting/my kids are not yet healthy and fully attached mode. So instead of having my positive, I'm-not-going-to-let-your-control-affect-my-emotions-attitude, every complaint and grumble out of the girls' mouths got under my skin. Not good.

Even yesterday one of my daughter's was grumbling about every last thing (when she throws a fit and is mad because the lemonade I made is yellow . . . wow, that's a pretty clear sign that RAD is going on!). While I was praying and asking Jesus to help me stay calm and positive, I was also asking God why it is harder to love this child now than it was a few months ago.

I think it is a new ball game now that we have seen some healthy life in all of our kids, but then they regress back to the old, survival behaviors. I have known in my head this will happen. But, experiencing it is another thing. And it has everything to do with my expectations. It is hard to bounce my expectations around as their behaviors change. By the end of yesterday (Wednesday) I finally felt like I was back in therapeutic parenting mode - expecting the girls to have crazy behaviors.

It is a crazy ride as the kids make progress toward attachment and then regress and then move forward again. At one point early in this week I honestly felt like my daughters were strangers walking around in my house. I hate that it is true, but even after nearly seven months home - when the crazy behaviors are soaring high - my feeling of connectedness to them is quite low (as I am sure theirs is to me as well). Always a good opportunity to trust that God is working when I can't see it. And then today - just three days later- I had the most incredible conversation and bonding time with one of my daugthers. She told me she is often scared of dying. So, I shared the gospel with her and we prayed together for Jesus to forgive her sins. WHAT?? She then went on to tell me many details from life in the orphanage. During that conversation, while I was walking and she was riding her bike, I couldn't imagine her not being my daughter.

Both girls are doing quite well as of today. Being home a lot, back on our normal routine has helped a ton. That, and me depending more fully on Jesus. If anything, last week was a great lesson/reminder that even when it appears the kids are doing well, we still have a LONG way to go to permanent attachment and healing. From now on when the kids are doing well we are going to keep on keeping on with our stay-close-to-home routine instead of going and doing more things that I think they are ready for - or rather, that I usually want to do.