Oh, Those Heart-Strings

I wrote about heart-strings last month. What I knew in principal, I learned by experience not a handful of days after I wrote that post.

We had spent a good part of one Saturday with my sister and her family for Abram and Mya's birthday party. I LOVE that my girls and my sister's girls get along so well. But, one of my daughter's has an increasingly hard time when it is time to be done playing with them. Irrational meltdowns, unreasonable attitudes, etc. That next day at church, my daughter was desperate to find Mya (my niece), hold her hand and make sure that they got to sit together. As I watched my daughter in this frantic, desperate-like frenzy to be with Mya as if her world revolved around Mya, the light bulb went off in my head: her heart-strings . . . she was trying like crazy to attach them to Mya.

Mya (8 years old) and Sydney (almost 6 years old) are the only "friends" we have intentionally let our girls have right now. We have not taken this decision lightly and it is not easy to hold to. My girls ask to have friends, or complain about not having friends or cry because they had a lot of friends in their former country often. It is hard to keep saying "not yet." But, I know it is the best thing for our girls until they are more firmly attached to us.

Watching my daughter's heart and security move away from me and toward another (albeit my beautiful niece) on that Sunday a few weeks ago only provided more affirmation that this is the best decision for us still.

Fast-forward to this past Thursday. We were in my sister's yard playing. Kate's four kids and my four kids plus our friend, Becky, and her five kids. Three of Becky's kids have been very good friends with my sister's kids for years and her other two kids just came home from the same country as our African kids. All thirteen kids (holy cow!) were playing happily at first.

And then my daughter who is drawn to tie her heart strings to Mya saw that Mya and one of Becky's daughters were playing together. Off the playing scene my daughter sauntered, head down, cheeks wet from tears. I went to her to talk to her, knowing why she was probably upset. While I'm sure part of her was sad seeing that Mya was not her own (which is GOOD for her), she said in a mad tone, "I need more friends." Ahhhhh! My heart hurt for her. I gave her a hug, encouraged that she at least was willing to tell me why she was upset (that is progress, folks!). I reminded her that we are still working on being a family. For the first time I went on a limb and told her that once she trusts me fully to be her mommy, THEN she can have friends (not knowing if she really understood what I was saying). I reassured her that she will have friends in the future.

I knew this little talk would  would not "solve" her problem. And, of course, it didn't. She continued in her funk.

I went back to hang out with Kate and Becky and my girl continued her very slow, sulking walk all the way around the pond. She hasn't been in a funk like that - one that I'm not familiar with - in quite awhile. Lately when she gets in a funk, I have grown to know her well enough to know why and to know what needs to happen for her to come out of it (time, rocking, being funny/playful, etc.).

I kept my eye on her as she continued around the pond. I began to get that punched-in-the-gut feeling that I used to get frequently when one of the girls would get in a funk and I didn't know what to do to help her out of it. My heart would have given her 10 friends in that moment if I could . . .but I knew that was not what she needed. In fact, I didn't know WHAT she needed to come back into connection with the rest of us. And that led me to begin to pray for her. I prayed, "Lord, please orchestrate things (with all these kids and three moms in this yard) to meet the needs deep in my daugher's heart that only You understand."

I kid you not - within one minute I watched  Becky's oldest 10 year-old girl walk down to my girl and start talking to her. Thirty seconds later, my nephew, Brady, yelled my girl's name loudly, inviting her to where a lot of the kids were playing on the hammock. She was reluctant, but after a little while she inched her way slowly to where the other kids were. Another few minutes later I looked over and she was all smiles, having a ton of fun.

Within two minutes, right in front of my face, Jesus answered my prayer and met the needs of my daughter that I could not meet. Another obstacle in the road to attachment overcome by the power of God. My heart was so relieved.

And my trust in God to keep holding the line with my kids and let Him do the work in their hearts grew. It is often so tempting to give in to the girls when they want something (like friends or going to school) that I know will make them happy right now (what parent isn't tempted by this!!). I don't enjoy holding the line for them when I know it will result in them being upset and having a reaction that I have no idea how to handle. But, God showed me AGAIN that He is FAITHFUL and that He WILL COME THROUGH for me when I depend on Him.

The work of healing, attachment and redemption is God's. I just need to be obedient to Him.