Tying Heart-Strings

I read a great blog post this week from a mom parenting a daughter with RAD.

It is a good read if 1) you want to understand more about RAD and/or 2) if you want to understand more about why we have made the crazy decisions we have to keep our kids (primarily girls) away from school, having friends and even limited extended family interactions. We have been doing this for six months now and we plan to continue to another six months (or more, depending on how it goes).

My CA friend early on told me that the goal in the first year was/is to tie my children's "heart-strings" to mine (the mom) and NOT allow their heart-strings to be tied to friends, teachers, other family, TV, computers, etc. Kids coming into our homes without an attachment want attachment but it is MUCH EASIER for (most of) them to attach to ANYONE else but mom . . . because sometime in their life the attachment with their birth mom was severed and it is painful to trust again. Not to mention the fact that mom (and dad) are requiring things to be done mom and dad's way and that is no fun at first (it would be much easier to get "free" hugs from grandma who doesn't require them to clean the kitchen). So, we create an environment that forces the kids to attach only to mom (and dad). This creates raging, conflict, rebellion, fits and A LOT of pain for them and us. BUT . . . this is the way to healing. The only way as far as I know.

Sounds strangely familiar to the story of the Cross, doesn't it? It is only through Jesus' example and grace that we can even attempt this.

I am just now in the last two weeks noticing that Claire's heart strings are beginning to be tied to me. One night last week when I was rocking her I told her I can tell God is healing her heart. I asked her if she could feel it in her heart that He was healing her and she nodded in agreement. The way she looked at me in the eyes told me it was true. A closeness between us is growing. Our relationship is beginning to be a real relationship between a mother and a daughter (as the woman mentioned in her blog post) and not just me being the mom that has to provide lots of nurture and structure for my daughter who is not yet attached.

A newly adoptive mom texted me recently, about a week after her kids got home, and asked me if it ever felt like I was just watching someone else's kids. OH MY! I had to laugh because it is SO TRUE. It was definitely true at first. And even now - nearly six months later - I am just now beginning to feel like Claire is truly my daughter. I am just now beginning to feel toward Isaiah how I feel toward Abram. Zoe is still in the works and that is OKAY. God is working. I LOVE my kids and they are definitely MY KIDS, but I don't yet have the luxury of feeling the closeness that God created moms and kids to have . . . primarily because they are unable to give much affection and love back to me. But, it is okay!

The blog post I mentioned above was also great encouragement to me that healing can begin at anytime after you have brought non-attached kids into your family. While I feel like we are on the path to healing, to be honest, there are still more things I should be doing to create some higher structure in our days. For example, when it is bath time every morning the girls often take their S..W..E..E..T time getting it done (which is them being in control and not me). I know I need to start setting a timer (or something like that), but I know that is going to invoke major conflict and therefore I have been putting it off.

I'm thankful Jesus still works, heals and ties my kids' heart-strings to me even in the midst of my failures, mistakes and omissions.