I'm wiped out . . . on all levels.
Last night one of our daughters was hanging out with her Daddy, enjoying a pretty close bonding time with him. They were being silly and then something that was said for fun between the two of them got misconstrued and within seconds our daughter was hiding behind a chair in the corner of the room, very upset, refusing to show her face or talk to us. Raging ensued with another hour and a half of refusing to show her face to us. At this point it was 10:20p. We have never had to put this child to bed before the rage issue got resolved so I was tempted to worry when we carried her to her room to go to sleep. I prayed and prayed and kept trusting God's sovereignty over the situation.
I have noticed with this child who deals with RAD more than my others that after a time of emotional closeness she will often do something distracting or annoying that makes Jason or I have to say, "no," and then she gets mad and pulls away. She craves and loves the closeness. Praise the Lord she allows it to happen (and more and more) - that is HUGE progress towards attachment. But, after experiencing the closeness for a little while with one of us, it is like her mind and body say, "WOAH! This is scary. What if they are going to leave me? I better do something to stop this closeness so I don't get hurt." It has happened to me a number of times. Fortunately now I can usually tell what is going on and not get upset about it.
At first I thought pulling away from the closeness was going on last night, but it became clear that it was much deeper than that. Whatever happened between her and Jason triggered something very deep within her. She has told us a number of times that her first dad was a good man and possibly one of the only people who she felt loved by. She has twice in the past couple months cried and grieved in my arms, wanting to go see her dad in her birth country. She also is forming a deeper relationship with Jason in the recent months. She loves to play with him and at times craves attention from him. I was pretty sure the issue was about "dad."
Before I had fallen asleep last night I heard my child get up to go to the bathroom. But she lingered in the hallway so I got up with her and asked her if she wanted to have some lemonade (which meant rocking with me while drinking lemonade). I had asked this tens of times in the two hours before and she finally barely nodded yes. THANK YOU JESUS! I knew her allowing me to nurture her like that meant that her rage/stonewalling was over. God was so faithful.
After she finished her lemonade and we continued to rock, I began to ask her some questions about what she might be feeling and about her dad in C----. After quite a bit of silence she said, "my dad here not the same my dad." She wanted to go see her dad in C. I cried and grieved with her and began to try to fathom the grief of her missing her dad. She must long just see a picture of him even, not to mention see him again. To just miss her dad alone would be a mountain of grief to climb. But, then to be growing in closeness with her new Daddy . . . and try to figure out how that fits with the love she longs for and misses from her first dad. CAN. YOU. EVEN. IMAGINE??? At eight years old?? Amidst a host of other issues going on as well?? It makes me almost sick to my stomach right now to think about it. No wonder she raged last night and then couldn't look us in the face for a long time.
I don't know how this story is going to end, but can only trust that the God who is Redeemer will redeem all of the pain in this sweet child's life. And give us loads of wisdom to navigate her through it. Oh, Jesus how we need you.
This morning was rough as this same child tested me to my limits by 10:00am. Accepting unconditional love doesn't happen overnight (pun intended!). I think she was trying to see if I would still love her after all that happened last night. But, God came through with wisdom right when I needed it.
I had gone downstairs with the kids so this girl could get her clothes out of the dryer and fold them. She refused to fold her clothes and kept trying to get me to say yes to taking the kids to the Crazy Park today. I started to take her argument bait by saying, "I did not say we would go today," and on and on. Just when I was at the end of my rope, I remembered something from one of the Nancy Thomas (how to parent kids with RAD) DVDs I ordered a few weeks ago. She had given advice about dealing specifically with arguing in a child with RAD. I did what Thomas said to do and responded very sweetly and positively with, "What does mom want you to do right now?" (As Thomas says, "the person asking the questions is the person in control," so I was now able to be in control). My child kept asking and being mad about wanting to go to the park. I kept on with my positive-toned response of, "What does mom want you to do right now?" After awhile I could tell she was getting frustrated that I would not argue with her (because really, arguing was her main goal). Then, a few times she answered, "fold my clothes." And THEN . . . lo and behold she walked to her clothes and started. folding. her. clothes!!! I wanted to throw a little party right there in the basement in victory!! And not because I won, but because in her submitting to mom, not being let to herself to do what she wants, her soul was being saved from the sickness that is RAD.
Figuring out ways to diffuse the crazy behavior (this morning it was arguing about the park) without getting mad and without punishing her so that I can focus on the more important task of nurturing her with hugs, eye contact, meeting her needs with joy, rocking her, etc. is my daily task with RAD. Nurture is the key ingredient to attachment and the only thing that will stop the crazy behavior is full attachment (through the power of JESUS, of course!).
That is the last 16 hours of life with RAD in the fam.
This morning my child and I were both sleepy from being up late. She laid on the couch with her head on my lap while I read my Bible. I read Psalm 55. I couldn't help but think if this child could write a Psalm of what is going on inside of her, this might just be what she would write, too:
v. 1 Listen to my prayer, O God, do not ignore my plea; hear me and answer me.
My thoughts trouble me and I am distraught at the voice of the enemy,
a the stares of the wicked; for they bring down suffering upon me and revile me in their anger.
My heart is in anguish within me; the terrors of death assail me.
Fear and trembling have beset me; horror has overwhelmed me.
I said, 'Oh, that I had the wings of a dove! I would fly away and be at rest -
I would flee far away and stay in the desert; I would hurry to my place of shelter,
far from the tempest and storm.
. . . .
v. 16 But I call to God, and the LORD saves me. Evening, morning and noon I cry out in distress, and he hears my voice. He ransoms me unharmed from the battle waged against me, even though many oppose me.
. . .
v. 22 Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall.
No comments:
Post a Comment