Life These Days

Remember me? Yes, it has been awhile.

I feel like life these days almost defies words. In a lot of ways we have found our new normal. My kids very much feel like my kids (probably not 100% yet, but we are getting close). I love them so much and can't imagine life without them. We don't have very many big crisis moments (hours of rages and days full of disrespect) anymore. And for that I am SO THANKFUL. And  just in the past few weeks there has been MAJOR evidence of God's healing and attachment in my RADish - more than ever before. HALLELUJAH! Seriously, it is one of the most amazing things to experience.

But, there is still constant crazy manipulative behavior (many different varieties) daily, even in the midst of a lot of healing. As life gets more "normal" the challenges become more constant throughout the day. There for awhile I wasn't sure if crisis mode was harder or constant mode is harder. The constant manipulation and control is exhausting and emotionally draining to endure and to try to figure out how to parent. And the transition to more constant, controlling behavior was difficult (as are any kind of transitions for me). In crisis mode, there is no choice but to cling to Jesus for my every breath and word. But, as the crazy behavior became more of a normal part of my day, I found myself in my default self-sufficiency mode. There were a few weeks in there that I felt I was totally in a spiritual fog, trying to learn how to trust in Jesus moment by moment in what seemed more like more normal life. God is faithful and His Ways are always the best. I didn't understand those foggy weeks, but I'm glad they are over.

Another sign that life is beginning to resemble a new "normal" is that I exercised all five days in a row last week . . . for the first time in a YEAR! And what's more is that I actually showered five days in a row for the first time in almost year, also. :) And I even am wearing makeup today 'just because' (in the past I needed to have a darn good reason to take the time to do that!).  These things all contribute to life feeling more "normal" even in the midst of lots of crazy behavior. I guess I am finally learning to function well with the CRAZY (not-yet-attached behaviors).

Part of the crazy is Isaiah. While his behavior doesn't look crazy, he is struggling a lot right now, and his behavior is a bit puzzling and very frustrating. Sometimes I feel like he is the least attached of all the kids. So, I am back to rocking him and singing with him and asking God for wisdom to know what else we should do to love and care for him.

Over the summer I felt able to start doing a few things for other people, a few more things outside our home, going more places, etc.  But, I've had to pull most of it all back in so that I have enough emotional energy to parent my kids well. Oh yeah, and to home school . . . a little! We are still very much on the low-intensity side of home schooling.  But, it is fun to see the girls start to learn to read.

I'm thankful to feel more and more equipped every day to handle the control and manipulation that goes on. In some ways I feel like I am just now "getting it." Practice doesn't make perfect, but I'm realizing PRACTICE (along with the Holy Spirit!) does help a great deal in learning this whole other world called therapeutic parenting. Dealing with a child day after day with attachment issues really is like stepping into  completely OTHER WORLD. That's the only way I know to describe it. The other day I felt like I've learned more in the last year than I if I would have went to college this last year!

But, I'm so THANKFUL. God continues to give me so much joy and peace in the midst of the crazy and the teenager attitudes (oh yes, lots of that, too!). There is no other explanation for it besides Jesus being alive and living in me through the Holy Spirit. I'm thankful for all the fun we have together as a family. We laugh our heads off together most nights at the dinner table. Even though there is still a lot of crazy, taxing behavior, we are more bonded as a family than ever before. Ah, what a difference that makes! It think that is what makes the biggest difference right now. Feeling more bonded as a family and seeing with my own eyes evidence of attachment in my RADish makes handling the hard, crazy behavior so much better. I'm thankful to the point of tears to see signs and to start to FEEL an attachment with my younger daughter. I'm thankful for all of the opportunities we have to speak the Truth to our kids and to see the girls really start to get spiritual things.

Most of all, I'm thankful that God continues to be faithful to us and come through for me EVERY TIME. Like last Wednesday . . . it was our first home school coop field trip (to the orchard/pumpkin patch). I hardly even remember the details of what happened before we left, but my RADish took off on a manipulation frenzy. I am usually able (by the grace of God) to stay calm, but the stress of needing to get out of the door by a specific time was pressing in on me and I was about to LOSE IT! (This is exactly why our life is such that we don't HAVE to be anywhere at a certain time most days.) After contemplating not going, I got everyone in the van but I was an emotional wreck. I was a wreck from the bewilderment of manipulation and I was nervous not knowing how it was going to go for my kids to be at a new big place with tons of people. And to be completely honest, I was feeling alone thinking about being with lots of other families who don't understand what it is like to live with RAD and to have just spent your morning detangling the webs of control and manipulation. I prayed as I drove and I specifically asked God to come through for me and provide what I needed. I didn't even know what I needed.

As I pulled in the parking lot, the woman getting out of the van next to me was a very dear friend of mine who mentored me as a new believer and has shaped my life a ton since then. I don't get to see her very often and I didn't expect her to be there. I think my heart rate went down just simply seeing her standing there. She came over and gave me a big hug, not knowing how much I really needed a hug in that moment. God blew me away having this friend be the very first person I saw. We then ended up in a tour group with this friend and two other friends of mine.  I spent the rest of the day with the second two women and their kids - one of which is my daughters' friend. God provided exactly what we needed. He is so faithful!

I would not trade this life for anything. It is not easy, but I love watching God come through day, after day, after day.

I Finally Get to Introduce You . . .

to my friend Jen Summers from California.

The mysterious "CA friend" I have mentioned many times on my blog.

The woman God allowed me to connect with when I submitted a question to this blog over a year ago and Jen responded (hers is the second response). Her response was so Biblically-centered and thorough and different from anything I'd ever read in an adoption book that it made us rethink everything and then track her down to talk to her more. Just reading her response could be a blog post of its own - it is so good. (Read it!)

When we started the process to adopt three kids from a hard place, the thing that sticks out to me most was how dependent we were (and still are!) on God, trusting Him to come through every day and provide what we need to parent three kids to healing and attachment. God's putting Jen in my life is one of the biggest tangible examples of His provision. She has truly become my mentor in this crazy journey of parenting kids who are not yet attached. I don't know how we would be surviving without her wisdom (which primarily keeps pointing me to Christ). But, God knew that. He came through and provided what we needed.

If nothing else, you have to check out Jen's blog just to see her big, beautiful family! She and her husband, Jeff, have one biological son, three kids adopted from Africa and six kids adopted from foster care. Whew! All of their adopted children came to them with differing degrees of attachment issues. By God's grace they are ALL healed and attached. Praise God!

Jen just wrote a GREAT blog post entitled, Adoption Lessons: What's Love Got to Do With It?. I highly recommend reading it.

This picture is not very good, but I loved how their eyes were shining so bright . . . just in the middle of playing this morning.



And then Mr. Cutie-pants came to me without his pants, but with two blankets so I wrapped him up . . .


And then decided to make him a shepherd boy (as I repeated part of the Christmas story about shepherds that the kids know)!


Oh, how I love these kids!!

Isaiah is currently lying in our bed (instead of his own for bedtime) because Jason left to go hang out with a friend and Isaiah picked up on before Jason had even left the house and he was distraught. HYPERVIGILENT . . . these kids from hard places have radar for people leaving or hurting them like you cannot imagine. Isaiah asked me (through hand motions) if daddy was on an airplane. I let Isaiah call him so Jason could explain where he was.

Yesterday was a very rough day. Many issues came to the surface . . . including my own issue of not keeping Jesus in the center of my world. How I need Him to save me from my own self – my default self-sufficiency, my wandering and my selfishness.

Today was a better day – mostly because I had a much better perspective. So thankful for God’s grace.

And I need much more of it . . . so I’m off to ask Him for more.

Just What I Needed

It is nap time and I was just reading some blog posts in my Google Reader. I read this one (http://cassadas.blogspot.com/2011/12/pain.html) from a mom who recently adopted and I almost gasped because it nearly identically described my day. (For some reason I couldn't post the link - I have no idea why, so I'm posting the actual post below.)

Pain

we have stretches of days where things are pretty good.
trust is building on all sides.
and peace settles in.
there are just moments of pain.

{"pain" - it's the word i use. i can't even describe it. a friend asked me to the other day. i stumbled and eventually opened my mouth and nothing came out. if you've been where we are, you know. if you haven't, i don't even know how to describe it. but pain seems to encompass a lot of what "it" is.}

and then there are days like today. it's been less than 4 hours. but it's already been a DAY of pain.

these are hard ones.

when i literally feel sick to my stomach. and question and doubt and run back to Him a million times over.

we'll get through it. that is helpful to know - now that we've been through this cycle many times.


and it will be fine, even good again.

but we do have these days and they are hard.
____________________________________________________________________________________

I am so thankful for other Christ-following families that have gone before us (even if only a few months before) so I can know that what I'm feeling today is "normal." I did actually feel sick to my stomach and have doubts. I'm so thankful God provided this exactly when I needed to read it!

December 13, 2011

I am having a very difficult time with Isaiah this week. You know how after you get married, it takes awhile for your true self (i.e. all your sin) to show up (at least it did for me!)? That is how I think it is with Isaiah. I find it so interesting that most people are afraid of adopting older kids because of the harder/deeper issues they will have. And it is true – their issues are deeper, and often harder - because they are older. Our girls have difficult issues that I know are lying right below the surface. Sometimes they come to the surface and sometimes they don’t at this point in time (I imagine they will all have to come to the surface eventually for them to be fully healed and attached). But, currently I am having a MUCH harder time on a daily basis with my three year old than with my older girls.

First, the disturbingly uneasy look on his face, along with other incredibly nervous gestures he does EVERYTIME I lay him down for bed or for a nap is beginning to kill me. It is so hard to watch him be in such pain. It is almost like he is in physical pain. Last night, when I laid him down for bed I asked him if he was sad. He nodded his head, yes. I also asked him another question, which he answered, that gave a clue as to why he is having such a hard time. OH THE DISTRESS OF AN ORPHAN! Last night (because I asked him those two questions) he had a very hard time falling to sleep and I eventually had to hold him so he would fall asleep. Meanwhile I wept as I held him and grieved for him.

Second, up until this week Isaiah has had a surprisingly small amount of disobedience issues. But, I have noticed that his behavior isn’t really out of obedience either. I’ve told Jason I feel like there is more to it – he has had an odd sort of compliant behavior. I’ve been re-reading “The Connected Child” now that the kids have been home a few weeks (which has been SO GOOD . . . there are so many things that either make more sense or help a ton reading at this point in the journey). Without giving away too much of what I think Isaiah endured in his past, I will just say that I read in "The Connected Child" that one sign of not being well cared for in the early years is “aggressive and demanding (controlling) or compliant and passive (dissociative) behavior.”

COMPLIANT AND PASSIVE. Ding, ding, ding!

Remember when I said a lot of times Isaiah will just not use his words/voice? I now see how this is partly due to his being passive (as well as not using his voice). It is hard to give examples of this complaint/passive behavior, but let me just tell you it is near-maddening. And I am SO tempted to lose my temper with this child when he acts that way – which is exactly opposite of the deep love and compassion he needs to heal from it. I am in need of much more of Jesus’s grace, mercy, love and self-control to deal with this. I am totally clueless as to how to discipline and train him through this behavior (so I will be consulting my friend who has been super helpful in the past). If any adoptive parents have any advice on this issue, please chime in!

All that I know is there are many clues pointing to the fact that my sweet little boy has had a lifetime of hurt in the few short years before he came to us. I think there is a myth out there that if you adopt younger kids, they will have few, fewer, or no “issues.” It’s not true. I went head over heels researching information about how to parent kids from hard places because we were adopting older kids AND three at one time (which scared the life out of me). But, what I found is that any child, at any age, is going to have difficulties (to differing degrees) if you adopt them from a hard place. I say this not to scare people away but to just say: do your homework and have realistic expectations. If you found out the child you were carrying in your womb or adopting was going to have a disease or a special need, you would do some research and reading from professionals and people who have been through it to find out what to expect and how you can best care for him/her. That is what I am talking about. “The Connected Child,” the ETC website and this blog are good places to start.

I was also reminded in reading "The Connected Child" that one effective thing we can do with Isaiah is to “match” his behavior. “Matching occurs when the pair (parent/child) behaves in synchrony, mirroring each other’s actions, sounds, and eye contact . . . it offers companionship and a feeling of safety. Matching helps bring and adult into the world of the child, ultimately empowering the child to come into the world of the adult . . . For example, if the child is leaning back on his hands, you can do the same. If the child is sitting cross-legged, you can do the same. Get to her level and mimic the child’s position” (p 85-86). This was a good reminder and something I am going to work on more this week with Isaiah (I think I could do it a little with the girls as well).

When I am having a rough day with Isaiah and look in his face to meet his need or correct him or (try to) bear with him in his suffering in learning to trust, I am reminded that this is going to be a LONG journey of healing. It is easy to feel like I am getting no where with him. But, I have to remember (and writing this is helping me remember) that each of these little tiny loving actions will eventually build up a road of trust, security and attachment for him . . . but it is going to be a long road. Many times today I kept repeating this verse in my head:

“Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” (Galatians 6:9)

So here I am, again, in desperate need of Jesus to show up and provide what I need to love and parent this beautiful, broken-hearted boy that the Lord has entrusted to us. I am thankful God has given him to us.

December 12, 2011

We’ve got another bike rider in the family . . . Zoe’s got it down! That meant Isaiah got to ride the little Diego trike to the park when we went, which he loved.

I received a wonderful gift tonight. Right before we were ready to eat, I was standing in the kitchen and Claire came up behind me, wrapped her arms around me an gave me a really big hug. It was so incredibly sweet. I have no idea what prompted it, but I loved it! I made sure to let her know how much I loved that she did that, too. (And this, just after I wrote a few days ago that neither of the girls give us hugs on their own initiative!)

I can’t believe I forgot to mention last night that the girls listened to the Bible in Lingala. My brother-in-law’s sister tracked down a downloadable New Testament in Lingala. What a wonderful blessing (Thanks Tami!)! The girls absolutely LOVED listening to it. And we can tell that it seems to be a fairly animated/fun/easy to listen to version. They listened to Matthew 1-10 yesterday afternoon. And then we have been listening to the Advent verses in Lingala after we read them in English the last two nights. So cool! The crazy thing is that while Jason and I can’t understand Lingala, hearing the Bible spoken in Lingala actually sounds “familiar” because we have been hearing Lingala all day long for over six weeks know!

And just to keep it real around here . . . and to make my sister (and a few other friends) proud of the "new" me, here is what our back entry has looked like for the past three days:

I finally straightened it up after dinner tonight. :)

The Weekend

I love our weekends . . . with nothing pressing to do - ever. Well, except go to church, which we love. Today I am surprised we made it to church. A couple of the kids were really struggling. During worship the girls knew two of the songs (Your Great Name and Forever Reign) so that was awesome for them. And very tearful for me! After one of the songs was finished, Isaiah started singing, “Our God is greater, our God is stronger…” He wanted to keep singing songs he knew! It was so sweet.

Your Great Name has, of course, been one of my favorites ever since I heard it for the first time last year. It nearly wrecked me every time I sang the lines that say:

The fatherless,

they find their rest

at the sound

of Your great name

Now that I’ve heard it a number of times since the kids have been home, I have been thinking more about these words. The use of the word “rest” is so incredibly dead-on, now having had three former orphans in our home for six weeks. I looked up the definition of UNREST to learn more about what finding REST in God would mean.

UNREST:

1. lack of rest; a restless, troubled, or uneasy state;

2. disturbance or turmoil; agitation

Troubled, uneasy, disturbed, turmoil, agitated . . . Yes, this very clearly describes what I just saw in Isaiah’s face when I laid him down to sleep. It describes his demeanor often. And it is what describes the girls when they face new or uncertain circumstances or are faced with a boundary that they don’t like. And it certainly described all of them the first few weeks.

Some days – like today because Isaiah had a pretty hard day – I long for the day when my children are AT REST. Fully at rest in our family and fully at rest in the God who created each of them. Jesus, please continue to heal them and help them find rest in You. You are our only hope!

The girls played outside for a really long time yesterday with Jason and all four kids – in their snowpants – played outside twice today. I love my husband for taking them out in the cold to play! On Saturday mornings (late mornings!), I usually take the girls to run errands, which is always a fun time. As I drove into the Target parking lot with them yesterday, though, I told them we were not buying any doll clothes. Thankfully, giving them that head's up seemed to keep their requesting at bay while we were in the store.

And speaking of giving the girls a head's up . . . I have needed to do Zoe's hair for over two weeks. It needs washed and re-done BADLY. But, when I have brought it up she nearly runs away to the other side of the house. So, I finally realized I needed a better plan. So, today we told her that next Friday I am taking her hair out and washing it and doing it on Saturday. While I was telling her this, I wrote it on the calendar (which is really how I explained it - they don't understand "week" yet). So, I am hoping this will do the trick - or at least help.

Today after lunch, we ALL SIX took naps. Hallelujah!! During snack time we finally brought back the look-in-mom/dad’s-eyes-and-we-will-feed-you-m&ms game. I have wanted to do this again for several weeks, but keep putting it off – because it is awkward with the girls. I think I fear they will know what I am up to! And I just realized I think I fear their rejection. But, it is one of the most effective things you can do for bonding with older kids. Eye contact is very hard for kids who are not yet attached – especially older kids. This is very true for our girls. My CA friend helped give me some more tips on this a few weeks ago which helped. To make it a “game” (so it is less awkward), she encouraged me to have the little boys do it first. The goal is for each child to look me (or Jason) in the eyes for five seconds. If they do then we feed them one or two M&Ms. There is scientifically something that happens in the brain when they taste the sweetness of the M&Ms . . . it signals something that tells the brain that whatever they are doing is good. In this case, looking in mom or dad’s eyes is good. It went well tonight. Every kid had to start over a few times because they looked away before we got to five seconds, but it wasn’t awkward and was actually pretty fun. Now, to keep it going daily.

December 9, 2011

Friday

Today the boys wanted their picture taken with their hands in their pockets. Too cute!

And Zoe is always up for getting her picture taken when the camera is out.
I made homemade pizza for dinner and the kids liked it. So, hooray for adding one more meal to the menu around here!

December 8th, 2011

In case you haven't guessed it yet, this blog of mine is going to turn into my photo album at the end of the year (or sometime). I decided a few weeks ago I am not doing a separate photo album on Picaboo like I usually do. So, thanks for bearing with all the details and pictures. This will end up also being part of the kids' lifebooks. Sometimes when I take pictures (of things that are so mundane) I feel like I am taking "baby" pictures of my kids. :)

We tried going to Kate's house in the afternoon, but it didn't go so well. One of my girls has a hard time when Mya is around (we went after school) so I knew this might be the case. I think because Mya is close to the girls' age, one of my daughters either compares herself to Mya or feels like she doens't fit in or something. I really don't know. But, I know I need to be sensitive to it. She asked to "drive" (meaning she wanted to go home) shortly after we got there so we didn't stay long. This is a little bit sad/hard for me, but I have to remember that what my kids are going through is much harder.

I finally got around to including "fu-fu" (the African food the kids have been asking for) in dinner. Fortunately, it doesn't take long to make. You boil water, pour in the cassava flour and corn flour and stir. But, there is quite the technique involved to stirring. And placing the pot on the floor is necessary!
Can you tell they were excited? They were all down there, close to the pot!

And then Isaiah went and put on Abram's crocs (which he has refused to wear in the past) to help hold the pot in place while Claire stirred. I love the look on Claire's face looking at Isaiah. She is becoming such a sweet oldest sister!
Zoe coordinated a picture with all of them.
And here is how you eat it . . . take a piece, make a ball with it in your hand . . .
Tear off a piece of fish (or chicken, etc.) . . .
Grab a bit of the spinach-tomato-onion dish that Claire taught me how to make (they love it and I love that they are eating spinach!) . . .
And EAT!!

They loved it so much! Isaiah scarfed it down. It has absolutely no taste whatsoever but it was fun having a fully African meal. We continue to be quite the culturally-mixed family. And I am continually thankful for my two years of experience living in Thailand. I can't tell you how many times (often daily) that experience has been beneficial in this new life. God is so good!

We had our first post-placement visit with our social worker. While we were waiting for her to arrive, Zoe and Isaiah were jumping and spinning around with Jason in the front room, while Claire and Abram were listening to worship music in the kitchen. I was sitting in between the two rooms, taking it all in and enjoying each minute.

Claire and Abram are developing a very special bond. It is so sweet to see.

Zoe ended up sitting in Jason's lap and they had an awesome conversation (in the little, but growing English Zoe has) about the kids' lives in Congo. I don't know how it got started (and I came into it in the middle), but Zoe said that she was in 4th grade in school. After school they ate bread and tea and then Claire would play with her friends and Zoe would play ball with Isaiah and some of the other kids in the home. She told us the names of three other kids (plus Owen) who lived in the home. This little conversation took quite awhile because she would have to take quite a bit of time to think about what words to use to say what she wanted to say, going from English to Lingala and then back to English coming out of her mouth. We were both surprised she was able to communicate as much as she was. And she had such a peaceful and joyful look on her face while she was telling us these things. It was so cool and made me excited for the time that they can tell us more about their time in Congo.

Our time with our social worker went well. In sharing about a number of things regarding the kids, it made me realize that while they have been home just six weeks, it feels like a lifetime of things have happened. Overall, I am very surprised that we are doing as well as we are at this point. Shocked, to be honest. If you know me well, you know that I expected the worst and knew it would be very hard. And the first three weeks certainly were. There are still challenges. And at the end of each day, I am pretty wiped out (like most moms out there!).

But, there is so much GOOD in this new life. Relying on Jesus and trusting Him for things I never had to before and then watching Him come through tops my list. I cherish the little joys and beautiful moments as God forms our family. Also, the ages of our kids has surprisingly allowed more down-time in my day than I ever expected. The boys can play together on their own for short periods of time (enough for me to take a shower or do a load of laundry, etc.) and the girls could play on their own ALL DAY LONG if I let them. (Quite different from when they first got here.)

Our social worker, Leah, asked us how we are attaching to each child, which was a good question to think about. Clearly, I feel that I've attached most with Isaiah because I do more during the day to care for him. Claire and my personalities are similar so I feel like I understand her more than Zoe and can bond with her in that way. Zoe asks me for help with more things than Claire so I am able to bond with her in those ways. It is more challenging for Jason to bond with Isaiah because I typically meet most of his needs but Jason does a good job being intentional with him. And Jason and the girls . . . he is incredible with them. He loves to be funny with them and take them outside for hours to play on the weekends, etc. I am so grateful for him! But, we are still a long way from "attached" yet. One tangible example is that the girls still don't give hugs or even return a hug that we give them. And that is okay. God gives me grace to not let it bother me and still be intentional about hugging them several times throughout the day.

A friend (who is in the adoption process) asked me the other day if the kids feel like my kids yet. (Another good question!) I said, 'yes.' It has been a gradual process - and we are still very much in process but yes, they do feel like my kids. And I am so grateful God gave us these three kids.

I follow a blog (many of you probably do, too) that God is using to shape me a lot in this new life. Something I read this week rang true in my life:

"That’s one of the truth wonders of the Greatest Story ever told:

That the only way to make a thing loveable — is to wildly love it.

And this loving a life because of the Giver of it? This is what makes life a loveable thing.

The candles flicker light in the windows and I fall in love with the Giver of the all the moments, with all this living."

God is teaching me to fall in love with Him, the Giver of all the moments. And as He gives me grace to love my kids . . . the more loveable they become to me.

Learning & Adjusting

After seeking out some more wisdom (from my CA friend) a few weeks ago about our kids not seeing any of our family members, we learned more and adapted our plan a little. We are learning the point is not to NOT see or be around close family/friends, but the point is to be very careful about the interactions those friends/family have with the kids. (Besides not hugging the kids and acting excited to see them, it is really important that mom and Kate, or others, don’t feed our kids or help them with any needs they have – I have to be the one to do that.) So, I intentionally had Kate, Syd and Grey come over for lunch last week, my mom stopped by one night and we went to my mom’s office today. All of these went well. Being around mom and Kate helps the kids to know they are important people in our lives, but the way mom and Kate interact with them help the kids to not be confused about who to attach to. Mom and Kate are doing a great job of being nice but not being as outwardly loving as they would love to be. :)

Shortly after I posted (a couple weeks or so ago) that we learned it would be best for other family members/friends to not hug or be excited to see our kids, I got a couple responses in support of that seemingly ‘crazy’ idea (and I totally understand that it seems crazy . . . it seemed crazy to me at first, too). I thought I would post them here in case they will be helpful to others.

Someone who follows my blog (please email me here so I can answer your question) wrote the following:

“We adopted a 3 and 4 yr. old two years ago. We are still dealing with the attachment issues and behavior issues . . . When you talk about not letting others hug your children or act excited to see them it all makes since as after 2 years we still don't have that mother-daughter attachment bond and she is struggling with every relationship she has.”

The second response came from a friend of mine who asked a friend of hers (who adopted) about the very strict no visitor/very little interaction policy we have going on. The adoptive mom said if she had to do it again, she would do it this way. She realizes now they should have been a lot more strict about these things in the beginning.

Both my mom and sister said it helped to hear these things - because it is very hard for them to not see us much. This helped them know it is worth it.

I share these things in the effort that they might help others finding themselves with the same questions we have had (namely, how to parent kids who are not yet attached/from hard places). I was helped to know how to attempt this task in HUGE, HUGE, HUGE ways by a few (Christ-centered) families who have gone before us. Everything we are doing is just stuff that those who have more experience have passed on (mostly through blogs/emails). This new life has been comprised of lots of learning and adjusting, learning and adjusting, learning and adjusting. And most importantly, seeking God’s wisdom. While my friend from CA has given me tons of great advice, she has always encouraged me to seek God’s wisdom above all. God’s Word is the authority on parenting and on hurt children.

As you probably know, I did a lot of reading and researching to prepare for this new life. And it has definitely been helpful. Very helpful. But, after six weeks of having our kids home (which is a blip in the bucket), here is what I now wish I would have known from day one (some of this I read about, some not)– again, in case this can help others:

1. Set very firm boundaries (very little, to no, choices)

2. Give as much nurture as you possibly can

3. Have a very simple routine, staying home as much as possible, with few visitors and lots of play

4. Pray a lot – for your kids, with your kids, over your kids

5. Seek God’s wisdom (about your kids’ needs and how to parent them)

While there are many other important things, you can only keep a few things in mind at a time and those are my top five (at this point at least).

I’m thankful for the ups and downs that helped us get to this place. And heaven knows we will continue to learn and adjust how we parent our kids (doesn’t everyone?!). It is the ‘firm boundary’ part that has surprised me the most. I feel like I didn’t read much about that in my preparation. And I am now realizing it is one of the most important things. It is hard to do at first and causes difficult behaviors to rise to the surface at times (or often, depending on the week!), but it helps the kids feel safe and secure knowing the adults in their life are in charge and they don't have to be.

December 7, 2011

Today was a pretty “normal” day in this new life of mine. It ended with getting to go hang out with some very good friends after the kids went to bed, which was wonderful! When we were reading the Bible to the kids before bed, Isaiah was acting a little different. When I told the girls good night in their room they asked me if I was going to drive today . . . and that is when I realized they were aware that I might be leaving. My 5:00p shower gave it away (another lesson learned)! When I was holding Isaiah on the couch to give him his milk and sing with him, he was acting even more uneasy. I asked him if he thought mommy was leaving and he nodded, “yes.” Our children are on high alert for the possibility of us leaving - and they will be for some time. Isaiah was not doing well with it at all. I was tempted to lie in each case of the kids asking me (because it caught me so off guard), but I ended up – by the grace of God - telling them that yes, I was driving to see some friends and I would be back. The girls were fine with that explanation. Isaiah did better after I told him exactly what I was doing, but when I laid him his bed, he was having a very hard time. So, put him on our bed to sleep with more light on. And I almost cried when I left because my leaving was so hard for him.

Abram loves to eat frozen blueberries.

Isaiah is using a chip clip to "shave" like Dad!

While I was putting away the boys' clothes, I sorted through them all to get rid of some that were too small and get out some other 3T clothes from their closet. I had started to change the boy's clothes but then let them play naked for awhile!

This one really cracks me up!
Looking for a shirt for Zoe. I guess she thought it was interesting!
They even followed me downstairs in their nakedness!And, back up again!

Thanks to Zoe I have all of those pictures. I had no idea she was taking them.

The girls played outside again for about two hours today!! Zoe has not been interested in riding the other bike we have, but today when I looked out the window I saw Claire trying to help her learn to ride it . . . all while in their snow boots. Gotta love that!

I made chicken lasagna (Jason’s favorite) for dinner tonight and the kids loved it! They also like the quesadillas I made Sunday night. I’m thankful to be able to branch out a bit from the few choices we had previously. I know Jason is REALLY thankful!

I also noticed the girls were sleeping in their own beds tonight for one of the first times. They always go to bed with a book (opened) near their pillow. I have no idea what that is all about!

I have been really seeking God’s wisdom the last few days about how to best love and parent Isaiah. A few nights ago I started questioning how I was handling some of his behavior. Isaiah has come a long way from the near-infant I felt like I had during the first two weeks of him being home. When he came to us, I sensed that he lacked a lot of nurture during his infant years so I held him as much as I could the first few weeks, rocked him, fed him, gave him milk in a sippy cup before bed, etc. I still do some of that, but he doesn’t have such infant-like-neediness anymore. In fact, he looks like a healthy, happy 3 year old a lot of the time. But, as I have grown to know him, there is something about him that isn’t right. He rarely acts mad (which would mean sad inside) and he never acts crazy (which would mean scared). If anything, he withdraws, but he doesn’t do that a lot.

I’m realizing that my sweet boy does not know that he has a VOICE. I can tell that he has not known his needs can be met if only he asks. For example, he was sitting in his booster seat, leaning all the way over for his car that had fallen on the floor. Some kids would ask mom for help to get the car or others would whine or throw a fit to get the car. Isaiah won’t do anything. (Well, he might have whined about it a few weeks ago, but we have a very firm boundary with whining so I think he now knows not to whine.) He won’t even try to get my attention. I think he would stay in that position, leaning down for his car, all day long if I didn’t help him. Another example is that he finished his first bowl of yogurt at snack time and I know he wanted more, but he just sat there doing nothing. He does this with nearly everything he needs or wants all day. It becomes incredibly frustrating by the end of the day – because it seems so simple to just ASK.

My girls – they have voices. On one hand, they are doing such a good job of asking for their needs to be met (in a correct, polite way). But, they each also have a voice when they are upset and they need or want something. One primarily uses the “voice” of pouting/sulking/complaining and the other’s “voice” is often hiding her face/squirming/etc. But at least they are trying to show that they don’t like something or feel bad about something, etc. I knew these kinds of “voices” were often used by kids to have their needs met, but I did not know that some kids just don’t use their voice at all.

After Isaiah ate his first bowl of yogurt and I was waiting a little bit to see if he would ask or not, Abram and I had this little, telling, conversation:

Abram: What’s him need?

Me: I don’t know what he needs, that is the problem.

Abram: Okay.

From all that I’ve read and now observed in Isaiah, the bottom line is that he doesn’t know that he is valuable enough to ask for his needs to be met – either with words or bad behavior. I’m realizing he has an incredibly crushed spirit. I can tell his poor little spirit/heart has been trampled on. I would guess he was quite neglected in the first two years of his life (he was in foster care from age 2-3 while we were matched with him).

I am constantly, all day long saying to him, “use your words.” Not only that but I most often have to give him the words to say . . . “help please mommy,” “more please mommy,” etc. (I know that he knows how to say these things in English so that is no longer an issue.) Up until a few days ago, I thought Isaiah’s not using his words or not talking was a disobedience issue (if I had given him the words to use once, then he should be able to say them the next time), so I was using firm boundaries to deal with it. But, God helped me see that I was wrong in doing so. Instead, I am seeing that it is a training issue and one that needs a lot of gentleness, love and compassion. To be honest, it would be easier if it were an issue of obedience. I can tell it is going to be a long road ahead of helping him not only use his words but also instilling into his precious being that he is worth having his needs met. Oh, the distress of an orphan.

But, oh, the faithfulness of our God! “If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him” (James 1:5). He has given wisdom generously the past few days. And I am trusting Him to continue to show up every day and provide the grace I need to show compassion and love to Isaiah when he continues, for the 50^th time that day, to not use his words to ask for very simple needs to be met. I am also trusting God to heal Isaiah's crushed spirit and broken heart.

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." (Psalm 147:3)

December 6, 2011

The morning started with all four kids up and at ‘em by the time I got home at 6:15a. What is up with that!? Oh well, I enjoyed the sight of my two little boys, sitting at the kitchen table in p-pops, each playing with their two cars while drinking “tea” (apple cider) while I made breakfast. And the girls were happily playing in the back room.While I was in the bathroom after my shower, Abram said, "Mom, we are resting." Um, something like that!
The girls hard at play in the morning!
Getting some lovin' from my baby boy. He does not hand out the physical affection very often, so I was loving it!
We had chiropractor appointments in the late morning and then went to Pammel Grocery to pick up cassava (shrubby, tropical, perennial plant) flour and corn flour. The girls have asked for “fu-fu” to eat, while motioning that they eat it with their hands. I called the Congolese woman we met a few weeks ago and she told me what to buy. I’m guessing the girls know how to make it. All four kids fell asleep on the way home (which has made nap/rest time interesting)!

The girls are currently (3:45p) outside playing and have been for over an hour . . . and it is even colder today! After they rode their bikes for awhile, they asked me if they could cross the street to ride them. Umm, no. But, I am thankful that they are learning to ask about things like this instead of just doing it. (Our rule is they have to stay on the sidewalk in front of our house and go back and forth if we are not outside with them.) They were forced, then, to get creative. Who knew that one slightly slanted driveway, one skateboard and two girls could have so much fun! I heard them scream like little girls on a roller coaster for a good chunk of time. And I enjoyed watching them from the front window from time to time. After Zoe came in to get another pair of socks for Claire, they are back to their bikes. I guess having to tolerate extremely hot (and other horrible) conditions in Africa makes tolerating freezing cold no big deal for them.

Speaking of watching them from my front window, I haven’t mentioned how much I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this house. I am SO GRATEFUL for God’s provision of it. I knew it was a wonderful gift from God before, but now that the kids are home, I appreciate it even more. God has been so good to us.

I heard back from the doctor yesterday about one of the kid’s blood work because there are a couple things going on. Not major things but still things needing attention. We are still waiting to see the final results and hear about the other kids. I thought I would mention that you if are adopting internationally, it is worth considering haing your kids seen by a pediatric infectious disease doctor. This wasn’t something we were actually planning on doing, but our regular doctor (along with our friends who have lived in Congo) suggested it. The Ped Infectious Disease doctor in Ames does not see patients under 8 years old, so we were referred to Dr. Costagnini, the Pediatric Infectious Disease doctor. at Blank in Des Moines. He is WONDERFUL (and so is his nurse). Dr. Costagnini said he does not base his testing on how the kids look on the outside (our kids look very healthy), but goes through a routine number of tests specific to international adoptions (Hepatitis panel, whole blood count, HIV, TB, tests for different parasites, and more than I can’t think of off the top of my head). He said that there are a few things that don’t show symptoms now but can show up down the road (for example syphilis can be contracted in-uetero and cause things that look like ADD, headaches, etc. years down the road). Just thought I’d throw that out there since we’ve learned about it.

I tried to do craft time before dinner last night and wow, that was not a good idea. The kitchen was a disaster and I was nearing the end of my rope. Lesson learned! But, the good news is that the girls have been enjoying the Advent crafts we have been making. And I'm learning that they do much better with a specific craft/project to work on rather than just giving them supplies to have them come up with something on their own.

Check out my miniature African preacher boy! (Stephanie Loveland, do you recognize this?!)

This (and a second one like it, handed down from my friend who has twin boys) has been hanging in the boys closet and Isaiah keeps pointing it out. So, I finally let him wear it after his nap.

His wink!

December 5, 2011

I felt like I had a little bit of school going on in my kitchen this morning because while Zoe was doing Rosetta Stone, Claire was writing out all the words to the song, Your Great Name (copying what I wrote). It was fun to see. We left at 10:00a togo to Des Moines again today to get all three kids’ blood drawn. Claire didn’t have a hard time at all with it, but the other two sure did. We survived! Abram stayed at Kate’s.

Speaking of Abram, this morning I heard him trying to speak more Lingala. Isaiah calls his little matchbox cars (that are permanently affixed to him) ‘motocars.’ I heard Abram try to say it like that but it came out something like ‘supercar. Cracked me up!

When we got home around 2:00p and both boys were sleeping, the girls wanted to go outside so I let them go by themselves. They bundled themselves up and went out for a little bit, but not too long. J I love that they still want to go outside and I equally love that they are old enough and comfortable enough to go outside (and stick near the house) by themselves. Once they came in, they played dolls/house (where they make furniture out of blocks and rooms with train tracks/baseball bases!) from about 2:30-5:00p. Seriously, they often will play like that for three hours at a time. I love that they love to play and play and play!

The boys both took monster naps. Isaiah always wakes up half way through his nap and goes back to sleep – without fail. Most of the time he goes back to sleep on the bed, but sometimes, like today, I hold him for the second half of his nap. It is good for both of us (for attachment) to do that every now and then. I was sitting with him in the back room, just watching the girls play on the other side of the room. I loved it. It was one of those simple moments that filled me with such joy. I started thinking, too . . . Seeing my girls lay on the floor playing so comfortably, like they’ve always lived here, I started thinking about the them living in the orphanage. I wondered what how they “played” there. I wondered when they first met each other and just how long they’ve been friends. And did they immediately became friends or was it a friendship that grew over time? I just sat there with Isaiah – loving that I could hold him today for those moments - and took it all in. There will never be words to describe seeing your child thrive (at least for that moment) in your home, knowing they lived in a filthy, horrible orphanage for a significant amount of time (not all orphanages are bad, but we have been told this one was). I clearly don’t think about this all the time, but I am grateful for the time I had today to ponder these things . . . and thank God for giving them a family – OUR family!

Never Give In, Never Give In

I just read this post by one of my favorite (and thus, very helpful, adoptive blogging moms). It is a must-read for anyone adopting, having adopted or loving and supporting those doing so. I also found it timely considering what I wrote yesterday about the song, "You'll Come."

December 4, 2011

Finally (from the girls’ perspective), today was Sunday and we got to go to church and worship together. The girls start asking about when we get to go worship by about Wednesday during the week. Such a sweet blessing. And they are never ready to leave church. . . I’m guessing because church in Africa is a near-all-day affair!

It was also pretty sweet after church to see SEVEN former orphans from Congo (from three families), two former orphans from Ethiopia and one former orphan from Ghana. Not to mention several other kids I saw who I know have been adopted. It was a beautiful sight to behold. I LOVE WHAT GOD IS DOING IN OUR CHURCH!

One of the songs we sang at church was “You’ll Come.” It has so much meaning to me in this new life. The part that I was in tears singing and continued to pray throughout the day was this:

Chains be broken
Lives be healed
Eyes be opened
Christ is revealed

CHAINS BE BROKEN
There are chains and strongholds in our children’s lives that need to be broken. Specifically the strongholds of fear, rejection and rebellion. My friend (that I mention all the time from CA) has adopted from Africa and been to Africa and told me to pray specifically against those three strongholds. I haven’t been super faithful about doing so but this song encouraged me all the more to pray in this way.

LIVES BE HEALED
Our children’s lives – the places deep inside their hearts – need to be healed. There is fear, rejection, hurt and pain from their pasts. If you saw my kids today in my home, you would not think that at all . . . and sometimes I forget this is the truth. But most of their bad behavior stems from these hurts so I do see it – just not all the time.

EYES BE OPEN
I pray that God will open my kids’ eyes and hearts to His truth. Healing will only come through His truth.

CHRIST REVEALED
Oh how I pray Christ will reveal Himself daily in my home. That is our only hope. It is my only hope to love, discipline and train them the way God would have me to (which I am still figuring out daily). And it is my children’s only hope to heal, be saved and come to terms with the pain of their pasts and allow Jesus to use it for His glory.

I’ve decided to bake a whole chicken on Sunday mornings to have for lunch after church each week. The kids get really excited about seeing a “biggy” chicken! Putting the whole chicken on the table (the one time we do put food on the table) and letting the kids pick their own pieces to eat off the bone is a HUGE treat for them. They love it. And I like the start of this new tradition!

After lunch, despite the 27 (but felt like 17) degree weather, the girls still wanted to go to the park with their dad. So, we put long underwear on one of them (that we recently bought foreseeing this would be the case!) and snow pants on the other, two pair of socks, etc. and they were ready to go.

This pic is from family movie night last night. It is not the best picture, but Zoe has her hands wrapped around Abram, holding him on her lap . . . a beautiful first!

Zoe showing off her huge can of chili beans.
The monkey and the frog making an appearance before bedtime.