After seeking out some more wisdom (from my CA friend) a few weeks ago about our kids not seeing any of our family members, we learned more and adapted our plan a little. We are learning the point is not to NOT see or be around close family/friends, but the point is to be very careful about the interactions those friends/family have with the kids. (Besides not hugging the kids and acting excited to see them, it is really important that mom and Kate, or others, don’t feed our kids or help them with any needs they have – I have to be the one to do that.) So, I intentionally had Kate, Syd and Grey come over for lunch last week, my mom stopped by one night and we went to my mom’s office today. All of these went well. Being around mom and Kate helps the kids to know they are important people in our lives, but the way mom and Kate interact with them help the kids to not be confused about who to attach to. Mom and Kate are doing a great job of being nice but not being as outwardly loving as they would love to be. :)
Shortly after I posted (a couple weeks or so ago) that we learned it would be best for other family members/friends to not hug or be excited to see our kids, I got a couple responses in support of that seemingly ‘crazy’ idea (and I totally understand that it seems crazy . . . it seemed crazy to me at first, too). I thought I would post them here in case they will be helpful to others.
Someone who follows my blog (please email me here so I can answer your question) wrote the following:
“We adopted a 3 and 4 yr. old two years ago. We are still dealing with the attachment issues and behavior issues . . . When you talk about not letting others hug your children or act excited to see them it all makes since as after 2 years we still don't have that mother-daughter attachment bond and she is struggling with every relationship she has.”
The second response came from a friend of mine who asked a friend of hers (who adopted) about the very strict no visitor/very little interaction policy we have going on. The adoptive mom said if she had to do it again, she would do it this way. She realizes now they should have been a lot more strict about these things in the beginning.
Both my mom and sister said it helped to hear these things - because it is very hard for them to not see us much. This helped them know it is worth it.
I share these things in the effort that they might help others finding themselves with the same questions we have had (namely, how to parent kids who are not yet attached/from hard places). I was helped to know how to attempt this task in HUGE, HUGE, HUGE ways by a few (Christ-centered) families who have gone before us. Everything we are doing is just stuff that those who have more experience have passed on (mostly through blogs/emails). This new life has been comprised of lots of learning and adjusting, learning and adjusting, learning and adjusting. And most importantly, seeking God’s wisdom. While my friend from CA has given me tons of great advice, she has always encouraged me to seek God’s wisdom above all. God’s Word is the authority on parenting and on hurt children.
As you probably know, I did a lot of reading and researching to prepare for this new life. And it has definitely been helpful. Very helpful. But, after six weeks of having our kids home (which is a blip in the bucket), here is what I now wish I would have known from day one (some of this I read about, some not)– again, in case this can help others:
1. Set very firm boundaries (very little, to no, choices)
2. Give as much nurture as you possibly can
3. Have a very simple routine, staying home as much as possible, with few visitors and lots of play
4. Pray a lot – for your kids, with your kids, over your kids
5. Seek God’s wisdom (about your kids’ needs and how to parent them)
While there are many other important things, you can only keep a few things in mind at a time and those are my top five (at this point at least).
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