December 13, 2011

I am having a very difficult time with Isaiah this week. You know how after you get married, it takes awhile for your true self (i.e. all your sin) to show up (at least it did for me!)? That is how I think it is with Isaiah. I find it so interesting that most people are afraid of adopting older kids because of the harder/deeper issues they will have. And it is true – their issues are deeper, and often harder - because they are older. Our girls have difficult issues that I know are lying right below the surface. Sometimes they come to the surface and sometimes they don’t at this point in time (I imagine they will all have to come to the surface eventually for them to be fully healed and attached). But, currently I am having a MUCH harder time on a daily basis with my three year old than with my older girls.

First, the disturbingly uneasy look on his face, along with other incredibly nervous gestures he does EVERYTIME I lay him down for bed or for a nap is beginning to kill me. It is so hard to watch him be in such pain. It is almost like he is in physical pain. Last night, when I laid him down for bed I asked him if he was sad. He nodded his head, yes. I also asked him another question, which he answered, that gave a clue as to why he is having such a hard time. OH THE DISTRESS OF AN ORPHAN! Last night (because I asked him those two questions) he had a very hard time falling to sleep and I eventually had to hold him so he would fall asleep. Meanwhile I wept as I held him and grieved for him.

Second, up until this week Isaiah has had a surprisingly small amount of disobedience issues. But, I have noticed that his behavior isn’t really out of obedience either. I’ve told Jason I feel like there is more to it – he has had an odd sort of compliant behavior. I’ve been re-reading “The Connected Child” now that the kids have been home a few weeks (which has been SO GOOD . . . there are so many things that either make more sense or help a ton reading at this point in the journey). Without giving away too much of what I think Isaiah endured in his past, I will just say that I read in "The Connected Child" that one sign of not being well cared for in the early years is “aggressive and demanding (controlling) or compliant and passive (dissociative) behavior.”

COMPLIANT AND PASSIVE. Ding, ding, ding!

Remember when I said a lot of times Isaiah will just not use his words/voice? I now see how this is partly due to his being passive (as well as not using his voice). It is hard to give examples of this complaint/passive behavior, but let me just tell you it is near-maddening. And I am SO tempted to lose my temper with this child when he acts that way – which is exactly opposite of the deep love and compassion he needs to heal from it. I am in need of much more of Jesus’s grace, mercy, love and self-control to deal with this. I am totally clueless as to how to discipline and train him through this behavior (so I will be consulting my friend who has been super helpful in the past). If any adoptive parents have any advice on this issue, please chime in!

All that I know is there are many clues pointing to the fact that my sweet little boy has had a lifetime of hurt in the few short years before he came to us. I think there is a myth out there that if you adopt younger kids, they will have few, fewer, or no “issues.” It’s not true. I went head over heels researching information about how to parent kids from hard places because we were adopting older kids AND three at one time (which scared the life out of me). But, what I found is that any child, at any age, is going to have difficulties (to differing degrees) if you adopt them from a hard place. I say this not to scare people away but to just say: do your homework and have realistic expectations. If you found out the child you were carrying in your womb or adopting was going to have a disease or a special need, you would do some research and reading from professionals and people who have been through it to find out what to expect and how you can best care for him/her. That is what I am talking about. “The Connected Child,” the ETC website and this blog are good places to start.

I was also reminded in reading "The Connected Child" that one effective thing we can do with Isaiah is to “match” his behavior. “Matching occurs when the pair (parent/child) behaves in synchrony, mirroring each other’s actions, sounds, and eye contact . . . it offers companionship and a feeling of safety. Matching helps bring and adult into the world of the child, ultimately empowering the child to come into the world of the adult . . . For example, if the child is leaning back on his hands, you can do the same. If the child is sitting cross-legged, you can do the same. Get to her level and mimic the child’s position” (p 85-86). This was a good reminder and something I am going to work on more this week with Isaiah (I think I could do it a little with the girls as well).

When I am having a rough day with Isaiah and look in his face to meet his need or correct him or (try to) bear with him in his suffering in learning to trust, I am reminded that this is going to be a LONG journey of healing. It is easy to feel like I am getting no where with him. But, I have to remember (and writing this is helping me remember) that each of these little tiny loving actions will eventually build up a road of trust, security and attachment for him . . . but it is going to be a long road. Many times today I kept repeating this verse in my head:

“Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” (Galatians 6:9)

So here I am, again, in desperate need of Jesus to show up and provide what I need to love and parent this beautiful, broken-hearted boy that the Lord has entrusted to us. I am thankful God has given him to us.