A friend of mine sent me the link to this fabulous nativity set made by craftsmen in Congo. While it was not cheap, it was the most perfect, meaningful gift for new family. I LOVE it! And, the money goes to directly to the craftsmen who make it and helps support other good causes.

Sydney and Greysen came over this morning, which was wonderful. I miss my nieces and nephews a lot. When I do get to see them, I feel like I don't know them as well as I used to and it makes me so sad. I guess now I know how my family feels about our kids. I'm thankful for a lot of extra time we will have with them this week for Christmas. I'm a little nervous about how it is going to go (being at Kate's for many hours and lots of people/family around), but I wrote on the calendar when we were going and we've been talking every day about who is coming so hopefully that will help the kids with the transition.

Zoe was helping the three boys have fun with bubbles in the bathroom this morning.  

 

To finish up how the food issues from two days ago went . . . my child cried on and off until snack time. I said that we were having yogurt and pretzels (a very usual snack around here) for snack and my child who refused to eat lunch also did not what I was offering for snack  (this child wanted rice, of course – the exact rice from lunch). But, I said I was offering yogurt and pretzels and if he/she didn’t want that, they could wait and eat what we were having for dinner. It was a rough rest of the afternoon with this child who also did not eat the snack, but we survived until dinner time where he/she ate well. A different child was upset and didn't want to eat because he/she got something different than another child at dinner tonight. This child only ate a little bit of his/her rice and I'm sure went to bed feeling a little hungry. 

My CA friend had given me pointers about this kind of behavior several weeks ago, which has helped me know how to handle it. The way she parents (and encouraged me to parent) is to approach food (and many other situations with non-attached kids) in a way that I, the mom (or dad), am the benevolent giver of good things. If a child doesn’t want to do what we are doing or eat what we are eating, “that is a bummer for you . . . I’m sorry you don’t want to join us.” While there always needs to be a consequence for not joining or eating (disobedience), the overall feeling and tone remains positive and encouraging with an invitation to join us. This approach differs from an approach of handing out punishment when a child does the wrong thing. I am still in the process of learning how to parent in this way. This case with food was “easy” in a sense because his/her own decision not to eat the food I gave, created consequences of hunger without me having to provide a consequence.

I also prayed two days ago – during the afternoon consequence-suffering – that God would use the suffering to continue the work He has started in that child’s life . . . relinquishing control and learning to trust me as his/her mom.

I’ve been reading “Attaching in Adoption” (by Deborah Grey), a book I’ve had for a year but held off to read until the kids got home. I’m glad I waited until now. It is pretty in-depth and makes tons more sense having real life examples to apply the info to. Regarding attachment, Grey says, “Parents should be looking for attachment to the caregiver and family within a time frame of two years after arrival. Children who are in placements before the age of four are usually showing the growth of attachment after one year. If there has been trauma, or multiple placements, attachment takes longer. For children past four, especially if there is also a cultural change, the time frame stretches longer” (53). Some days when I get spontaneous hugs from my girls or reciprocated enjoyment (while dancing or playing) from Isaiah, I am encouraged by our growth toward attachment. And then other days, the reality of the above quote humbles me and I remember that we still have a long road ahead of us. I’m thankful for the joy and peace that Christ gives in the midst of the journey to get to attachment.

And just to give a definition of a secure attachment, here is what Grey says:

“Secure attachment is a relationship involving intimacy, exclusivity, mutual enjoyment, acceptance, and recognition of the other’s feelings” (67).

In the second chapter, “Challenges for Children and Parents,” I read about maltreatment and that “when children realize they are in a more accepting situation, they signal their anger more freely.” I think this is why – now after eight weeks home – we are starting to see a few new behaviors come to the surface. I can say with confidence that at least two of our three newly adopted kids have experienced a great deal of maltreatment. (Nearly every child who has been adopted from a hard place has endured some level of maltreatment; the extent of that maltreatment has a great affect on their behavior, in my opinion.)

“Maltreated children need the equivalent of a home rehabilitation program. The essential features are

-          formation of a safe attachment,

-          learning the meaning of family,

-          being buffered from high stress,

-          learning to cope with limited stress,

-          learning to signal for help appropriately,

-          enjoying positive self-control,

-          grieving the losses from trauma,

-          sorting out differences between past and present,

-          and learning to stretch positive experiences.”

It is good for me to be reading and thinking about this after having the kids home for almost two months now. As I have mentioned, things have begun to feel normal . . . but with that normalcy I have noticed some unrealistic expectations on my part creeping in. Those expectations (most often having to do with accomplishing my own agenda) create frustration when my children are not acting like I think they should be acting now that life seems “normal.” Hello!? In the grand scheme of life my children have hardly been home but a blip and still have a deep amount of unresolved pain and hurt inside. Not to mention barely starting to attach to us. Another thing that has crept in with a sense of normalcy is my default mode of self-sufficiency. I’ve needed to reorient my focus this week, seeking to depend on Jesus to again provide what I need each hour.

I also know this about myself: I am really good at starting things and I like finishing things. But the normal, every day part in the middle (which is most of life!) is more of a struggle for me. I desperately need Jesus to work in my heart and transform me . . . to help me persevere and have joy in the mundane now that the excitement (albeit difficult excitement) of adopting three kids has evaporated.

As usual, writing that all out has helped me figure out some things needing figured out in my heart.

Speaking of mundane, life things . . . Isaiah is now wearing a diaper all the time. He came to us potty trained and I expected regression, which we saw. We were putting him in pull ups for bed and naptime after he got home. But, he was having further potty issues the last two weeks and one day picked up one of Abram’s diapers to show me. I asked if he wanted to wear it and he said yes. I had already talked to our social worker about this during our post-placement visit and then I asked my friend in CA about it. My friend's advice was very helpful:

“It is actually a pretty good thing to let them act and "live out" the early years with you a little more than might be "normal" for their paper age.  We have witnessed our children all make HUGE leaps forward in their social, emotional, and even physical development after having this time of getting to just BE a little child again (really, for them, it is sort of the first time they can just BE little and cared for and not have to worry). So, if it is diapers he wants, you probably can just go with it for a while! It is o.k.  It allows you one more way to meet a need.”

Zoe decided she wanted extensions so I have been working for hours on her hair the past few days (and calling my friend from church a number of times to ask questions about what I was doing). We finally finished around 9:30p tonight, letting the girls stay up late two nights in a row to work on Zoe's hair. I didn’t keep track of exactly how long it took, but probably around 8 or 9 hours in total. I feel very relieved to have it done. I still need to even out the length of the braids tomorrow (which will entail cutting the ends off and re-lighting them with the cigarette lighter I bought at Casey’s this week!). While it is quite the amateur job I did, I do like her hair in extensions.

Finally, in other randomness, I got a call from City of Ames about how much our water usage has gone up (make that more than doubled) recently! TOTALLY NOT SURPRISED. I’ve meant to mention how much more water we use . . . and how it seems all the lights are on in the house ALL of the time . . . and how we went through an entire container of salt in the first month the kids were home . . . and how the girls (and I, but mostly the girls!) have gone through two large bottles of body soap in two months . . . and how I find doors and windows randomly (or not randomly) opened a lot. Most of these things were just not important enough to be priorities the first two months compared to everything else needing attention. We are working on the water and lights and windows and doors and we took control of the salt usage about a month ago.