The Boys

The boys haven't gotten much blog time since things were pretty intense with the girls there for awhile. 

Two weeks ago when it was 70+ degrees every day was really good for the boys. Being outside, having lots of space and having their own trikes made for way less conflict between the two of them. Usually when there is conflict, I can guarantee that Abram has instigated it!

Which is why I LOVE this picture . . .

Isaiah looks like such a skateboarder holding that skateboard! His hair is long here so this second picture hardly looks like him to me.

Abram prefers to shoot baskets as much as possible . . . with the big ball, of course, and not any of the several small balls we have.

The cars (thanks, W's!!) made their way from the basement to the sidewalk and the boys sat out there playing in them for a long time (this past week when it rained a lot they went back downstairs).

Since our backyard is fenced in, it is so fun to send the boys out back to play/explore for awhile.

I cut some of the girls' jeans off to make shorts and this is what the girls did with the left-overs.

Playing in their tent last week while it was raining out, eating popcorn for snack.

This last Thursday I had them both wear their camo pants (Abram loves his and I recently scored Isaiah some at Goodwill!). I told them I wanted to take their picture and they did the whole hands-in-their-pockets thing again. LOVE. IT.

But, did you notice something? Compared to the picture of the two boys right before Christmas, someone has been growing. I actually think Abram has grown, too, but Isaiah has definitely gotten much taller. I had to pull out the 4T jeans a couple weeks ago.

Oh, my boys. I love them. I love that they get to live life together for the next 14.5 years, if God wills. In general, they are great buddies and do a good job playing together. Abram is still the leader of the pack. Mr. Boss is more like it. If I say something to the kids, Abram feels the need to say, "Isaiah . . . " and then repeat to Isaiah what I just said. Abram has become even more extroverted than ever before lately. He can hardly eat at meal times because he talks so much!

I love that in God's wisdom, He knew it was best for Isaiah to have a brother to "show him the way" so to speak (even if Abram's way is quite naughty at times!). Realizing how hurt and broken Isaiah was inside when he came to us, I see how awesome it is that God gave him a brother to play with all day for the past five months. Isaiah is doing so well right now. Jesus is healing his heart day-by-day. About a month ago he cycled back into some earlier, unhealthy behaviors (I've read and now experienced with each of my three kids that these post-adoption behaviors are cyclical.). Awhile ago when I was reading "Nurturing Adoptions" (D.Grey), I read the chapter on "Early Neglect" and felt as if I was reading a word-for-word description of Isaiah:


They live as if their lives were happening to someone else. They seem to experience life in the third person rather than the first person. And, in fact, sometimes children will actually speak of themselves by name or as he or she, rather than using a personal pronoun. For these children, the self is an objective rather than subjective experience.  People lacking a subjective sense of self have difficulties representing their own needs in life. (pg 81)

Not long after the kids were home I noticed that Isaiah did not know he could use his words to let us know he needed something. (When you are neglected, you don't know you are valuable and therefore you do not know you can ask to have your needs met.) And everytime Isaiah talks or needs something, he ALWAYS, ALWAYS uses his name, just like the book explains. I could not believe it when I read that! "Mommy, Isaiah need a drink . . . Mommy, Isaiah go outside." EVERY TIME. He has never once said I or me on his own initiative. We now work on helping him replace Isaiah with I or me when he speaks.

Our social worker, who came last week for our second post-placement visit, also shed light into the way Isaiah only uses his name when he speaks. She said it is a coping mechanism that kids who are neglected use to separate themselves from hurt or pain. If Isaiah talks about himself as a third person then if he gets hurt, it won't be hurting him personally - it will be hurting the third person (or so the child hopes). Isaiah also struggles with what is called, "dissociation" which is when a person separates his mind from his body - for the same reason: to avoid being hurt by neglect or abuse.

Here is an example: Isaiah was walking through the kitchen about a month ago and said happily, "Mommy, Isaiah . . . ." I couldn't understand what it was he was trying to tell me he did or was going to do. So, I walked closer to him, knelt  down and gently said, "tell me again, buddy." As soon as I did that, his face went blank, he stared off at the wall and he totally shut down. He separated his body from his mind so he would not have to process what I said . . . most likely because what other caretakers did or said to him was too painful.

The good thing is that my CA friend has helped me to learn that there isn't some special therapy needed to help Isaiah's problem. The source of the problem is neglect and trauma, but the solution is attachment/nurture + Jesus. So we just continue to use really high structure/boundaries and lots of nurture. About two weeks ago he cycled back out of those unhealthy behaviors and he is an even more confident little boy than the last time he cycled out of it. (Fortunately, the cycles will get longer and longer, from what I understand.)

Isaiah does a really good job now saying, "No thank you, Abram" when Abram is doing something to him he doesn't like (which is A LOT!). I LOVE hearing Isaiah say this because it shows how far he has come. He used to let Abram do anything to him and he would just sit there without an inkling of fighting back. Isaiah is doing a much better job of standing up for himself because he is growing in knowing that he is loved and valued (from all the nurture). I love seeing Jesus heal his little heart and I can't wait to see the true Isaiah that God created him to be once he is fully attached and healed.

God Found Us You

This picture is from a couple weeks ago on a Saturday morning. 

Everyone in their p-pops and the girls have their sleep caps on. These sleep caps are AWESOME and can be purchased here. (All the proceeds go to the Etsy shop owner's adoption. In communicating with her, I found out they are adopting an infant domestically, BUT the birth mom happens to originally be from the same country my kids are from. CRAZY!!)


The boys have always loved sitting on our laps and reading books. But, in the last couple weeks whenever we sit down to read books (outside of our night-time routine) the girls immediately come to read books with Jason or I also.  I don't know if their language has hit a new level where they understand more or what, but I am LOVING that they like to have us read books to them. I also find the girls looking at books on their own   throughout the day, which they never used to do.

Late this morning I sat down on the couch and told the boys to each get a book. Claire brought over a book and Zoe brought over a big stack of books, too. I read and read for 30-40 minutes. It was wonderful.

We have several "adoption" books in our book cabinet, but they are just mingled in with other books. I have never made a point to specifically read the adoption books to the kids and we honestly haven't read many of them at all yet (you know how kids get on a kick with a certain few books and just stick to those for awhile). But, the very last book in Zoe's stack was "God Found Us You."  It is the adoption version of "God Gave Us You," if I am correct.



I remember reading through that book when I got it, back when Abram was born. I honestly don't think I've read it since. I started reading it to all the kids this morning. Here is a portion, near the end of the book:


"How come I couldn't stay with the mother who had me?"


"She must have had very big reasons to give you up (I like to say "to me" instead of "up"). She must have thought it was best for you . . . I think she prayed like crazy that you would be safe, Little Fox. I think she prayed for me as much as I prayed for her." {Tears started running out of my eyes .} Mama's voice got all whispery. "And God answered both our prayers." {More tears.}


"I came then? To you?"


Mama nodded, happy tears in her eyes. "You came then. When God found us you, you made me the happiest mama in the world." {Trying to control myself, but the tears came stronger.}


"Mama, will you be my forever mama?"


"Always and forever. No matter what," she promised. "This is where you belong. Here, with me, my sweet child. You are mine. The best gift in the whole world. I will always love you and treasure you and celebrate the day you came, the day that God found us you."

I was all-out bawling as I tried to finish reading the book. My poor kids, all snuggled in close to me as I was crying my eyes out. After the book was finished Abram looked at me like, "seriously, mom, why are you crying?" But, the girls both seemed to get the gist of the book. I was able to talk with the girls about it and we actually read parts of it again together. I was able to tell them, using the language of the book, that I waited and waited for them and prayed for them while they weren't here yet. I also told them that their coming into our family made me the happiest mama in the world.

While totally unintentional, it was a pretty weighty moment. I'm continuing to pray that God will use it to help  their hearts how much we love them and want them.

More Than We Can Handle?

Does God Give us More Than We Can Handle? Absolutely. Praise God.

Love this blog post and all the truth in it!

Together

Wowsers! She hit the nail on the head in this post about adoption. She gave words to what God is beginning to do in my own heart through my kids.

Miracle in Franklin

If you have 9 minutes to spare, you won't regret watching these two videos. WOW!

Girls' Day

God gave me a wonderful gift yesterday . . . a road trip back home and an entire day with Kate and all four girls. 

When I first got the invitation to my cousin's baby shower, I was sure there was no way my girls and I could go. We were in the midst of major difficulty and we had decided to not go anywhere for quite awhile. (I still don't take the kids on any errands that they have to get out of the car for - to many opportunities for control and manipulation at this point.)

But, going on road trips with my sister is one of my FAVORITE things in the world to do. We used to do it a lot. You know, when all of our kids and the two of us fit in one big vehicle. We would have to rent a bus now to do that. Knowing that this is one of the only times in at least a year that just Kate and her girls would be making the trip back home, I prayed and talked to Jason about it. We decided if all went well in the days leading up to Saturday, the girls and I would go. I knew my girls being with Mya and Sydney would distract them from crazy behaviors for the most part. The cost would be one less day of therapeutic parenting at home (evidently the way we are parenting the girls to help them heal from their past and from RAD is called therapeutic parenting). 

After last Tuesday night's horrible and beautiful episode, we had a fairly good week. Holding to the firm boundary that night and providing more nurture lowered the control and manipulation from that daughter quite a bit the rest of the week (which was pretty cool to see, in itself). The control and manipulation wasn't CONSTANT like it had been previously. I know it helped that it was 70+ degrees everyday and we went to two parks per day. By Friday I felt confident about making the trip. Of course, I didn't tell my girls about the trip until 4:00p on Friday (we were leaving early Saturday morning). The girls and I had good bonding time picking out the clothes they would wear on Friday afternoon.

At the shower.

 How the girls entertained themselves (of course they took this picture).

Most of the people at the shower were women who have known Kate and I since before we were born. We've been back a number of times with Kate's kids. But, they all still asked, "Now which ones are yours and which ones are Katie's (we are Jenny and Katie back home - ha!)?" I so badly wanted to say, "Well, the white ones are Kate's and the black ones are mine." But I refrained!

Walking from the shower to our aunt and uncle's house.

The girls with my cousin, Kayla, who is pregnant. 

The girls sat right there and watched two movies while Kayla, Kate, my aunt Janell and I talked from 12:30-5:00p. It was such a wonderful blessing! My brother and other cousins were there for a bit and then my dad came over, too. 

Dad took us to dinner in Council Bluffs. The girls ran off all of their energy in the field next door. 

TJ Maxx happened to be right by where we ate, so we snuck in a little shopping before we headed back home with very sleepy girls.

I could not have asked for a better day. My girls did great. Of course they had a blast with Mya and Sydney. And there were even some signs of progress in the attachment department. No meltdowns or stubborn control episodes. Several times Zoe reached to hold my hand when we were out in public and Claire would look back to check in with me after she started walking away to go do something. Such little, "normal" things in most people's worlds. But big evidence that I am becoming the anchor for my girls' hearts and the one they are beginning to trust.

 PRAISE THE LORD!

Random Stuff

- The girls want me to cut Abram's eye lashes because they are really long and the they think only girls should have long eye lashes.

- We are just now using up the last of the toilet paper a few different people gave us shortly after the kids come home. It is a fun reminder of the goodness God poured out on us through so many people providing things we needed in those first few weeks.

- We had "Operation: Clothing Upheaval" yesterday. Out with clothes for the cold, in with clothes for hot weather. I handed down a pile of my winter clothes to my oldest daughter for next year. WHAT?!? That was certainly not something I anticipated I would be doing.

- While on the subject of clothes I just have to say a HUGE THANK YOU to the number of people who have given us clothes for the girls over the past many months. It has been such a blessing to have a stash of extra clothes in the basement for when the girls need something. If the stash doesn't have what they need then I put it on my Goodwill list. You either love the hunt for a great bargain at Goodwill or you loathe it, right? I'm a lover. I usually try to get my grocery shopping and other errands done in time on Friday nights so I can  stop at Goodwill before it closes at 9:00p. I search for and only buy the good stuff, like a pair 4T Gap jeans in perfect condition for $1.69. Or a super cute Puma exercise outfit for Isaiah for $1.69. I usually only buy a couple things at a time and the time spent searching is therapeutic. And I admit it . . . finding really nice clothing for less than $2.00 each (for the kids) is a bit of a high for me!

- Last night at dinner one of the girls said her "licker" hurt. She was referring to her tongue. Jason and I laughed and laughed! Sometimes I don't want them to learn to speak English really well because some of the things they say are so cute and/or funny. Lickers is a great example of how their language is coming along. They know how to communicate just about anything they want . . . it just doesn't usually sound like normal English. My mom has said that when she comes over she often can't understand what they say. But, we understand because we are with them all the time. The language barrier hasn't really been an issue since since about month two.

- We still eat 15 eggs as a family for breakfast everyday!

- The girls were astonished to learn a few weeks ago that the trees in our backyard are not avocado or orange trees. They were quite disappointed. Claire keeps begging us to get orange trees. Don't we wish?!

Jesus is Moving the Mountain

I read this incredible blog post last night. Hope and Healing for Attachment Disorders - An Interview with an Adopted Child and Her Mom. After her daughter was fully attached, the mom interviewed her (at 13 years  old) to ask her what it was like to live with RAD before she was attached. An interesting read for anyone, but a must-read for anyone within the adoption realm. Or anyone who wants to know what goes on in my world! I felt like I was reading my daughters' minds when I read the first half of the interview.

It was really interesting to me to read what made the girl change and it gave me new things to pray for my daughters. The sabotage question was equally interesting because that is starting to happen a lot. Every time I have a good connection with the girls, I might as well count on an ugly episode. The good feelings of connection freak them out because they have only ever lost their connections with caretakers in the past.

I read the blog post above around 10:30p last night, minutes after I tucked one of my daughters in bed after a two-hour RAD episode. It was both parts horrible and beautiful, as is becoming the pattern. The horrible, ugly part included 30 minutes of raging and 30 minutes of silence. It shook me up a bit because it was right before bed time and I knew there was no way we could let her go to bed mad. I reminded myself that faith is being sure of what I hope for and certain of what I do not see (Hebrews 11:1). I could not see how this was going to end, but I prayed for God to come through, to soften her heart, to help her submit. I prayed for Jesus to break the strongholds and bring healing.

On my third attempt to go to my child to talk to her, she dove head-first into my lap and buried her head in my chest. She curled up and let me hold her tight and rock her for a long time. I wanted to sob. My poor baby girl tried to be so mad, but deep down she is so incredibly hurt, sad and broken.

Need I say again the distress of orphans is devastating.

But, Jesus. He is Healer. And He is working. And I am crying as I reflect on seeing His hand move last night alone. Only He can move this enormous mountain called I dare not trust my parents because I have been so hurt in the past.

I moved us to the rocking chair and continued to rock my sweet girl for 45 minutes while I fed her oranges (she literally let me feed her) and lemonade and we looked at her favorite book together. When we finished the book and got up from the chair, it dawned on me . . .

I had been praying for three days for more opportunities for nurture with this specific child. Yesterday during nap time, I sat in the bathroom and desperately cried out to God for wisdom and more nurture with her. Without big amounts of nurture, kids can't attach, but kids who are not attached and scared of attachment are good at meandering their way around mom's efforts to nurture. She had been rarely letting me rock her with candy like I do with my other daughter and her controlling efforts were sky-high lately causing me to pull back a little with eye contact. I was just realizing all of this a few days ago and began praying for more nurture.

God  heard my cries for help and He came through. I did not enjoy the way that it came about. It was certainly not what I had in mind. But, God did it. He provided more nurture with her than I have had with this daughter since she has been home.

This morning I found her making my bed. I went to her as she finished, thanked her and gave her a big hug. And she hugged me back in return for the first time ever.

My whole being will exclaim, "Who is like you, O LORD?

You rescue the poor from those too strong for them,

the poor and needy from those who rob them."

Psalm 35:10

(What I happened to have read this morning!)

Zoe's Hair

If you recall the Charlotte incident, you remember that Claire and I took Zoe's braids out last week. I was planning to put extensions in Friday and Saturday, but the cousins came over Friday (which was very fun!) and Zoe chose to go with Jason Saturday instead of work on her hair - which was fine with me. I told her that she and I could wake up early Sunday morning and I would do her hair since she wanted something done before church.

I knew we had to do something "quick." But, since I've only done oh . . . you know, one hair style on the girls (extensions) I don't have a lot of options in my back pocket. I was going to divide her hair up in six big sections, put really thick braids in them and then put that in one big braid. 

But, that didn't work. Too much hair in each section. So, I divided up the sections some more and put in fairly thick braids/extensions. The only problem was that more sections meant more time. The clock was ticking closer and closer to 8:30a, when we needed to leave for church. 

But, thankfully we finished in time. It took me 1.5 hours, which compared to the 7-9 hours for full extensions, seemed "fast!"

Here is the view from the top on Monday.

And the back. Zoe took the initiative to put the braids in two pig tails and it turned out SO CUTE!

I seriously LOVE it!

When I started this 'do' I planned to have it be temporary (last only a few days). But, now I hope we can keep it looking good for a few weeks. 

I'm thankful God's grace extends to the details of figuring out what to do with my daughter's hair on a random Sunday morning!

A Good Weekend & Good Monday So Far

I am so thankful for the enjoyable and restful weekend we had. It wasn't without many issues but that is our new normal. And it is okay. 

On Saturday afternoon Jason took the girls to Des Moines to look at a car for his mom at the exact same time as the boys slept. Jackpot for me! Now, don't get me wrong . . . I love my girls. Their difficult pasts just make life challenging right now. Even during rest time during the week, I still have to be on alert.

So, two hours with no one needing mom on Saturday felt like I won the lottery. You better believe I did some organizing during that time. I organized the extra toys in the basement (that we have put away until a later date), put some in the garage sale bin and all around tidied up. After Jason and the girls got home, Jason took all the kids on a bike ride to the soccer fields/park off of Hwy 30. I made soup and then took off for a run (my body still hurts - it has been a couple months since I last ran!). I ran to where Jason and the kids were - down at the river by the bridge on Hwy 30. The kids were having a blast throwing rocks in the water. Zoe rode her bike home with me while I ran and the others came later.

Even though there were some difficult behaviors that needed addressed on Saturday, doing some organizing and going running made me feel so incredibly normal. A normal I haven't felt in a long time. I am so thankful for it, even now.

Sunday we all napped. It felt wonderful to get that extra rest!

Claire shared her left over ice cream on from Saturday on her own initiative with the boys. So sweet.

Sunday afternoon we went to the school park. Jason just started showing Zoe how to dribble a basketball last week and she is really starting to get the hang of it. The girl is all muscle so I would guess that she has some pretty good athletic ability.

 Jason loves to let the boys dunk the ball and then hang from the rim!

Monday, March 12th.
The kids hooked the bike trailer up to the boys' trikes. It was hilarious to watch Abram peddling down the sidewalk with the bike trailer on his trike!

And then I hooked it to Zoe's bike. She had fun carting the boys up and down the sidewalk and then to the park when we all went.

Work of the Heavens

A must-read post for anyone adopting or interested in adoption. Here is an excerpt:

Dear one, it is not the shoes and skin and hair and food you need to devote the most energy toward: It is their heart. No matter what age your child comes to you, abandonment runs deep and the wounds are severe. Broken biological attachment breaks something in our children, and it is the work of the heavens to fuse it back together.

Your child will come to you scared and alone and ashamed and insecure. At best. 

Read on for the rest of what Jen Hatmaker has to say.

Thank You, Charlotte

Some mornings, like this morning, my flesh does not want to get out of bed to start the day. It feels like I need to climb a mountain emotionally before I can be ready to face the day and all of the uncertainty it will bring. Fortunately, God met me in His Word as He always does:

But the eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love. (Ps 33:18)

Fear God. Trust His unfailing love.

Okay.

God's unfailing love came through in a pretty hilarious way today. I planned to take Zoe's hair out today. After all, it has only been in since before Christmas. I haven't let myself feel guilty for not taking better care of her hair because we have just had too many bigger issues to deal with around here. I've known she would not be happy about me telling her it is time to do her hair. So, I didn't tell her until the moment I was ready to do it.

{Sidenote: I am learning to do this with everything now. Nancy Thomas says that "knowledge is power" for kids with RAD. I used to tell the kids what was coming up later in the day, where we were going, who was coming over, what was on the calendar, etc. But, after learning the hard way, I don't do this anymore. For anything. Knowing what is coming up just gives the girls too much fuel for their control fires. At the very least it gives them too much to think about and/or provides something to gripe about, ask for, etc. Now, I chose to fight the battle (if needed) head-on, at the moment we are doing whatever it is we are doing. It eliminates several other little battles beforehand.}

Back to Zoe's hair. Once I said, "Okay, Zoe, now we are going to take your hair out," my responsibility was to obey God by holding to that decision/boundary no matter how much she tries to control and manipulate me to try to wiggle out of it. I can't force her to sit down and let me take her hair out. This is the tricky part . . . the help me Jesus in this moment know what to do to remain in control part! Of course she did try a number of things to try to do the hair thing on her terms and not mine. Kids with attachment issues are proficient at doing things on their terms instead of mom's/dad's. (That is really what the battles are about.) I stayed calm and positive and tried to ignore or downplay most of what she was telling me while continuing to say cheerfully, "you're okay and we're going to take your braids out." Claire was right there with me and was in agreement that we needed to take Zoe's hair out.

At one point I said that we need to wash it after we take it out because we haven't washed it for a long time and there might be bugs in it. But, I knew she didn't know what bugs are. So (because they have seen Charlotte's web) I said, "we have to take your hair out and wash it because there might be some Charlottes in there" as I showed with my fingers what a little spider in her hair might look like. She picked up one of her braids and said, "is there a Charlotte in here?" I said, "I don't know, we need to take your braids out to find out." She walked straight to the chair and let Claire and I start taking her braids out!!!!!!!!!! A moment later she asked Claire if she saw any Charlottes. Claire said, "I'll tell you if I find a Charlotte."

I wanted to bust out laughing so badly! In fact a little later I snuck in the bathroom to call Jason to tell him the story. I could not believe how effortlessly the Charlotte story worked. I didn't even try to think it up, nor did I think it would be the ticket to a successful behavior - it just came out of my mouth. Thank you Holy Spirit! Parenting RAD behavior defies logic and can't be addressed with regular discipline and  parenting strategies. But, it still has to be addressed and often in creative ways. I guess I just gained a new tool for my creative strategies toolbox. God, you are so faithful!

But the best part was that not only did we accomplish the task of getting her braids out, but at lunch I got more eye contact from Zoe than I have at a meal recently. She was happy, connected and her eyes were beaming. Holding to the firm boundary helped her climb another rung on the I-am-okay-with-mom-being-in-charge ladder that each of my African kids are climbing.

We wait in hope for the LORD; he is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD, even as we put our hope in you. Psalm 33:20-22

Not That Far Ahead of Them

On Monday afternoon the girls made their very own snowman. It was so fun to watch them make it all on their own while the boys marched through the little bit of snow that was left in the yard.

A Dad-sandwich from the weekend. Any affection given by the girls or received by them is rare so this was sweet to see. 

It was a very rough weekend, friends. I felt like I was hanging on by a thread . . . Jason and I both did. Saturday was the first full day we were home and both implementing this new parenting strategy for RAD. I know a little more about this parenting strategy because I've been using it more, but Jason is the leader of our relationship. So that made for some conflict between us - let's be honest! And it was primarily my fault! I cried harder than I've ever cried before on Saturday night as we talked through the looming task that parenting our girls has become. I feel like I am in the fight of my life and often feel like I cannot get my head above water.

It was nice to get out by myself and run errands Friday evening, but the burden of everything going on was so heavy it was hard to be thankful for a night away doing something I enjoy. After I paid for  my groceries at Aldi, I realized all of my shopping bags for my cart full of groceries were still in the car. As I stood in the cold, windy parking lot bagging my groceries by the trunk of my car, I thought about how in my former life I would have been incredibly irritated and frustrated. But, this past Friday night it really didn't bother me. In fact, I felt a small amount of relief thinking, "now this is a problem I can deal with. I KNOW WHAT TO DO TO DEAL WITH THE PROBLEM!" If only that were the case with parenting the girls and their RAD behaviors.

It is the not knowing how to deal with the control and manipulation that has ramped up from both of the girls lately that has been putting my stomach in knots. I know that control and manipulation allowed them to survive their pasts. And I know I need to respect that. Got it. But, when they BOTH respond with control and/or manipulation - each in their own, different way - nearly every time I asked them to do something, it was creating a storm of anxiety and despair within me.

On Sunday morning, I read this in Jesus Calling:

Make friends with the problems in your life. Though many things feel random and wrong, remember that I am sovereign over everything. I can fit everything into a pattern for good, but only to the extent that you trust Me. Every problem can teach you something, transforming you little by little into the masterpiece I created you to be. The very same problem can become a stumbling block over which you fall, if you react with distrust and defiance. The choice is up to you, and you will have to choose many times each day whether to trust Me or defy Me. 

The best way to befriend your problems is to thank Me for them . . . I will not necessarily remove your problems, but My wisdom is sufficient to bring good out of every one of them. 

I almost laughed because it was so DEAD ON what I needed to hear. God continued to use His Word and His Holy Spirit the rest of Sunday to help me get to the bottom of my problem: I was fearing the girls' control and manipulation. The reason I fear it is because it makes me feel an absolute loss of control. (And in case you don't know, I'm a recovering control-freak!) I am barely learning how to parent these RAD/control and manipulation behaviors and I usually have no idea what to do. And these behaviors seem to increase by the day. This is going to sound weird, but the anxiety and fear I felt over the last week and weekend with the girls was the exact same anxiety and fear I used to feel when I would get on an airplane to fly. I was scared of flying because I felt such a loss of control (since I have no idea how an airplane works). It might seem ridiculous, but I can't tell you how real those feelings of fear were to me. Over time, especially in the last couple years, God has helped me deal with my fear of flying by growing my understanding of just how sovereign He is. He created me, He knows the number of hairs on my head and He has numbered my days. When it is His will for me to die, I will die. I no longer have to fear dying in a plane crash simply because I am not in control. 

Late Sunday afternoon, while Jason took the kids sledding, I was able to repent of my fear and trust God that He is totally sovereign over all the crazy behavior going on in my home. When one of my daughters has spiraled down and is hiding out in a closet, I don't have to panic anymore (like I did Saturday), trying to figure out what in the heck to do to get her back in relationship with us. And I don't have to believe the enemy's lies in that moment, "what if she never comes out of this?" and "what if she never attaches?"

Instead, I can choose to believe that God is in control when my daughter is hiding and withdrawn. Not only is He in control, but I can ask Him for wisdom in that moment and trust that He will show me what to do. Sometimes what I do to help her get back on track is successful. But, here is what I am so grateful for: even when my approach in helping my daughter in that moment is a complete failure (which is often!), I can pray and ask God to use it to bring healing in her life anyway. And He can do that! 

Until Sunday I was feeling so much pressure to get each situation right. After all, these are my children's souls, attachments and emotional health on the line! God provided much wisdom from my wonderful CA friend when she said: 

Give yourself GRACE - you won't get it "right" each time because there is a huge learning curve on this and you are very human and this is incredibly hard.  Focus more on maintaining a right thought life about it all (biblical worldview!) and less about getting each event right (very freeing) and DO NOT listen to the enemy who accuses and condemns - for there is NO condemnation for those who are in Christ.  

I can't tell you what a relief it is to me that I don't have to get every single situation "right." (I'm also a recovering perfectionist, you know!). This just might be some of the best advice I have gotten in my entire life!

So, I'm learning a new way to walk . . . humbly dependent on Jesus each minute of each day. Asking Him for wisdom for how to respond to every situation and praying for healing and attachment all day long . . . whether I'm rocking my daughter with her face close to mine, setting a firm boundary, responding to crazy behavior or even when my attempts to respond fail. "For he has not despised or disdained the suffering of the afflicted one

A good friend/mentor wrote me the other day and wisely said,  'While you are trying to get your kids to attach to you God is doing the very same thing with you and Him.' It is so true. The way my kids will attach to me is to trust me and not defy me . . . which is the exact same way I grow closer to God. God is using these painful circumstances with my girls to strip away the fear and control in my own heart. Hmmm . . . the same things my girls struggle with. 

I am not that far ahead of them. 

Its Friday

I am praising God for helping me make it to the end of this week. Friday means Jason will be home for two days, which translates to more help with crazy behavior, more rest and a little bit easier breathing on my part. It also means I get to go grocery shopping and to Target BY MYSELF tonight - woo hoo! The past two days have been a lot better than the first two days of the week, but each day is filled with its own great unknown. 

Abram was drumming on my dishwasher with two butter knives. He looks like a natural sitting on that step stool the way he is. He has quite the musical interests lately. Jason and I have ZERO musical talents, but Abram's birth family is filled with musicians. Makes me wonder if that is where it comes from!

 At the beginning of the week, when things were so hard with the girls, I would look at Abram and force back the tears. I felt such grief over not being able to enjoy him at his cute little stage because my stomach was all worked up in knots with the girls. God is helping me deal with the sin of fear and anxiety in my heart that puts my stomach in knots. But, I think it is fair to say that if you are parenting kids from hard places, it is OKAY to cry and grieve for the loss that is inherent with other kids you are parenting. It is part of the sacrifice. I'm thankful this is the first time I've felt this way since the very first days of the kids being home.  

A hilarious picture of the girls and their pasta one night this week.

Since Tuesday, God in His grace has helped me gain a better big picture perspective and most importantly, a  more Biblical perspective. For as hard of a time as I'm having with the girls lately, yesterday I just watched them and tried to think about what it must feel like to not know in the deepest part of their souls the love and attachment of a mother . . . the security of someone who will not leave them and who will love them unconditionally. Can you imagine the deep anguish? While this is what I am offering them as their mom, they don't know it yet. That is why they do the things they do. They are trying to figure out if they are going to be okay here. Life has taught them they will not be okay.

I was giving one of the girls a piggy back ride (my secret weapon I like to use to "give them a ride" knowing that it is a great bonding activity) on Wednesday. I had my face turned slightly toward her and and my 10-12 year old daughter laid her face right against mine the whole time I was carrying her. In that moment I knew that my sweet girl was desperate for the love of a mother. But she is deathly scared of it at the same time. It has only ever been ripped away from her. She is beginning to taste that love . . . but the risk of losing it is still so great. It is going to take time, time, time, along with the power of Jesus, to heal her wounds.

So, no matter how rough things get for me, I'm remembering that the anguish and distress in their souls is so far greater than that of my own. How I pray that their pain will lead them to the One who knows the pain of loneliness, rejection and death on a cross. 

On a lighter note, I took the kids to the park one day this week, even though it was raining a little bit. We didn't stay long, but I loved the sight of my two little hooded boys driving whatever that thing is.

 And lastly we had a fun field trip this morning, bright and early at 6:45am - which explains the blurry eyes below! I loaded the kids up to go watch Jason play basketball at the City Hall gym at 7:00a (you better believe I stopped for Burgies coffee on the way!). Jason plays twice a week  at 6:30a and the kids have been dying to watch him. Zoe was sure that she would get to eat popcorn while we watched. :)

The boys took their little basketballs and the kids all got to play after the guys were done playing. It made for a very fun family morning. I enjoyed doing something outside of our normal morning routine.