Its Friday

I am praising God for helping me make it to the end of this week. Friday means Jason will be home for two days, which translates to more help with crazy behavior, more rest and a little bit easier breathing on my part. It also means I get to go grocery shopping and to Target BY MYSELF tonight - woo hoo! The past two days have been a lot better than the first two days of the week, but each day is filled with its own great unknown. 

Abram was drumming on my dishwasher with two butter knives. He looks like a natural sitting on that step stool the way he is. He has quite the musical interests lately. Jason and I have ZERO musical talents, but Abram's birth family is filled with musicians. Makes me wonder if that is where it comes from!

 At the beginning of the week, when things were so hard with the girls, I would look at Abram and force back the tears. I felt such grief over not being able to enjoy him at his cute little stage because my stomach was all worked up in knots with the girls. God is helping me deal with the sin of fear and anxiety in my heart that puts my stomach in knots. But, I think it is fair to say that if you are parenting kids from hard places, it is OKAY to cry and grieve for the loss that is inherent with other kids you are parenting. It is part of the sacrifice. I'm thankful this is the first time I've felt this way since the very first days of the kids being home.  

A hilarious picture of the girls and their pasta one night this week.

Since Tuesday, God in His grace has helped me gain a better big picture perspective and most importantly, a  more Biblical perspective. For as hard of a time as I'm having with the girls lately, yesterday I just watched them and tried to think about what it must feel like to not know in the deepest part of their souls the love and attachment of a mother . . . the security of someone who will not leave them and who will love them unconditionally. Can you imagine the deep anguish? While this is what I am offering them as their mom, they don't know it yet. That is why they do the things they do. They are trying to figure out if they are going to be okay here. Life has taught them they will not be okay.

I was giving one of the girls a piggy back ride (my secret weapon I like to use to "give them a ride" knowing that it is a great bonding activity) on Wednesday. I had my face turned slightly toward her and and my 10-12 year old daughter laid her face right against mine the whole time I was carrying her. In that moment I knew that my sweet girl was desperate for the love of a mother. But she is deathly scared of it at the same time. It has only ever been ripped away from her. She is beginning to taste that love . . . but the risk of losing it is still so great. It is going to take time, time, time, along with the power of Jesus, to heal her wounds.

So, no matter how rough things get for me, I'm remembering that the anguish and distress in their souls is so far greater than that of my own. How I pray that their pain will lead them to the One who knows the pain of loneliness, rejection and death on a cross. 

On a lighter note, I took the kids to the park one day this week, even though it was raining a little bit. We didn't stay long, but I loved the sight of my two little hooded boys driving whatever that thing is.

 And lastly we had a fun field trip this morning, bright and early at 6:45am - which explains the blurry eyes below! I loaded the kids up to go watch Jason play basketball at the City Hall gym at 7:00a (you better believe I stopped for Burgies coffee on the way!). Jason plays twice a week  at 6:30a and the kids have been dying to watch him. Zoe was sure that she would get to eat popcorn while we watched. :)

The boys took their little basketballs and the kids all got to play after the guys were done playing. It made for a very fun family morning. I enjoyed doing something outside of our normal morning routine.