Not That Far Ahead of Them

On Monday afternoon the girls made their very own snowman. It was so fun to watch them make it all on their own while the boys marched through the little bit of snow that was left in the yard.

A Dad-sandwich from the weekend. Any affection given by the girls or received by them is rare so this was sweet to see. 

It was a very rough weekend, friends. I felt like I was hanging on by a thread . . . Jason and I both did. Saturday was the first full day we were home and both implementing this new parenting strategy for RAD. I know a little more about this parenting strategy because I've been using it more, but Jason is the leader of our relationship. So that made for some conflict between us - let's be honest! And it was primarily my fault! I cried harder than I've ever cried before on Saturday night as we talked through the looming task that parenting our girls has become. I feel like I am in the fight of my life and often feel like I cannot get my head above water.

It was nice to get out by myself and run errands Friday evening, but the burden of everything going on was so heavy it was hard to be thankful for a night away doing something I enjoy. After I paid for  my groceries at Aldi, I realized all of my shopping bags for my cart full of groceries were still in the car. As I stood in the cold, windy parking lot bagging my groceries by the trunk of my car, I thought about how in my former life I would have been incredibly irritated and frustrated. But, this past Friday night it really didn't bother me. In fact, I felt a small amount of relief thinking, "now this is a problem I can deal with. I KNOW WHAT TO DO TO DEAL WITH THE PROBLEM!" If only that were the case with parenting the girls and their RAD behaviors.

It is the not knowing how to deal with the control and manipulation that has ramped up from both of the girls lately that has been putting my stomach in knots. I know that control and manipulation allowed them to survive their pasts. And I know I need to respect that. Got it. But, when they BOTH respond with control and/or manipulation - each in their own, different way - nearly every time I asked them to do something, it was creating a storm of anxiety and despair within me.

On Sunday morning, I read this in Jesus Calling:

Make friends with the problems in your life. Though many things feel random and wrong, remember that I am sovereign over everything. I can fit everything into a pattern for good, but only to the extent that you trust Me. Every problem can teach you something, transforming you little by little into the masterpiece I created you to be. The very same problem can become a stumbling block over which you fall, if you react with distrust and defiance. The choice is up to you, and you will have to choose many times each day whether to trust Me or defy Me. 

The best way to befriend your problems is to thank Me for them . . . I will not necessarily remove your problems, but My wisdom is sufficient to bring good out of every one of them. 

I almost laughed because it was so DEAD ON what I needed to hear. God continued to use His Word and His Holy Spirit the rest of Sunday to help me get to the bottom of my problem: I was fearing the girls' control and manipulation. The reason I fear it is because it makes me feel an absolute loss of control. (And in case you don't know, I'm a recovering control-freak!) I am barely learning how to parent these RAD/control and manipulation behaviors and I usually have no idea what to do. And these behaviors seem to increase by the day. This is going to sound weird, but the anxiety and fear I felt over the last week and weekend with the girls was the exact same anxiety and fear I used to feel when I would get on an airplane to fly. I was scared of flying because I felt such a loss of control (since I have no idea how an airplane works). It might seem ridiculous, but I can't tell you how real those feelings of fear were to me. Over time, especially in the last couple years, God has helped me deal with my fear of flying by growing my understanding of just how sovereign He is. He created me, He knows the number of hairs on my head and He has numbered my days. When it is His will for me to die, I will die. I no longer have to fear dying in a plane crash simply because I am not in control. 

Late Sunday afternoon, while Jason took the kids sledding, I was able to repent of my fear and trust God that He is totally sovereign over all the crazy behavior going on in my home. When one of my daughters has spiraled down and is hiding out in a closet, I don't have to panic anymore (like I did Saturday), trying to figure out what in the heck to do to get her back in relationship with us. And I don't have to believe the enemy's lies in that moment, "what if she never comes out of this?" and "what if she never attaches?"

Instead, I can choose to believe that God is in control when my daughter is hiding and withdrawn. Not only is He in control, but I can ask Him for wisdom in that moment and trust that He will show me what to do. Sometimes what I do to help her get back on track is successful. But, here is what I am so grateful for: even when my approach in helping my daughter in that moment is a complete failure (which is often!), I can pray and ask God to use it to bring healing in her life anyway. And He can do that! 

Until Sunday I was feeling so much pressure to get each situation right. After all, these are my children's souls, attachments and emotional health on the line! God provided much wisdom from my wonderful CA friend when she said: 

Give yourself GRACE - you won't get it "right" each time because there is a huge learning curve on this and you are very human and this is incredibly hard.  Focus more on maintaining a right thought life about it all (biblical worldview!) and less about getting each event right (very freeing) and DO NOT listen to the enemy who accuses and condemns - for there is NO condemnation for those who are in Christ.  

I can't tell you what a relief it is to me that I don't have to get every single situation "right." (I'm also a recovering perfectionist, you know!). This just might be some of the best advice I have gotten in my entire life!

So, I'm learning a new way to walk . . . humbly dependent on Jesus each minute of each day. Asking Him for wisdom for how to respond to every situation and praying for healing and attachment all day long . . . whether I'm rocking my daughter with her face close to mine, setting a firm boundary, responding to crazy behavior or even when my attempts to respond fail. "For he has not despised or disdained the suffering of the afflicted one

A good friend/mentor wrote me the other day and wisely said,  'While you are trying to get your kids to attach to you God is doing the very same thing with you and Him.' It is so true. The way my kids will attach to me is to trust me and not defy me . . . which is the exact same way I grow closer to God. God is using these painful circumstances with my girls to strip away the fear and control in my own heart. Hmmm . . . the same things my girls struggle with. 

I am not that far ahead of them.