I follow a blog called One Thankful Mom. This mom writes about the challenges and blessings of love and much of it is about raising a family with several adopted kids (and several biological kids).
The recent post below was excellent and ties in well with the Grief and Adoption article I posted two days ago.
Here it is:
(While out running this morning) I thought of my children and my heart was heavy. These three years have not only been hard for us, they have been equally, or possibly even harder, for them. While our lives have been turned upside down, it cannot compare to the changes they have faced. They have given up their:
country
culture
language
home (even if it was an orphanage, it was home)
friends (some who were like sisters and brothers since they were together for many years)
and the life they imagined.
I do not doubt that this is the life God has for them; He places the lonely in families. But we cannot ignore their losses. We must not ignore them. It is essential that Russ and I acknowledge our children’s grief, fear, loneliness, and anger. We must join with them in their suffering.
Even their healing comes at a cost to them. Letting go of the old ways of relating to people, the ways that made them feel safe, is terrifying. Learning to trust that we:
won’t hurt them,
will provide for them,
will keep them safe,
will love them,
will never leave them,
is hard, gut-wrenching, wrestling-with-your-soul work.
Lest anybody (including me) think that Russ and I have made all of the sacrifices, we must always keep before us just what our children are struggling to embrace.
May we never give up, never lose hope, and always believe in the transforming and healing power of our loving God. And may we do it gently, with our children’s hearts held tenderly in our hands.
~Lisa
The Lee Three
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Monday, July 26, 2010
A Few Fun Pics
. . . from the past couple weeks.
Looking cool like Daddy!
Reading books with the girls.
Reading with Brady.
Looking cool like Daddy!
Reading books with the girls.
Reading with Brady.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Embracing the Grief of Adoption
I have read some on this topic, but have NEVER read anything so well-written on the topic of grief and adoption than this article below, again from Empowered to Connect. I think I will need to read and re-read this many times down the road.
Embracing the Grief of Adoption
By: Michael Monroe
I was reminded last night of something I already knew, though I often try to forget it. It is one of the more sobering realities of adoption – the fact that there is no adoption without loss and pain . . . and grief.
As an adoptive dad, like all adoptive parents, my tendency is to focus on the miracle, blessing and joy of adoption – and rightfully so. These are the undeniably beautiful realities of the adoption journey. But they do not negate the equally unavoidable reality that there is no adoption without loss and pain. Adoption is at the same time born from and a response to hurt, loss and sorrow.
Last night I saw through my son’s tears and heard in his words the deep, heartbreaking grief that lurks in the shadows of adoption. It was an intense sorrow caused by the loss he feels and understands now more than ever before. My son’s grief is for that which never was and for what will never be.
In trying to carefully walk a fine line between honestly telling about our adoption journey and protecting what is, after all, his story to tell, I dare not share the details of what was said. But it was all too clear that he has now come to an age where the facts of his past no longer merely equate to a story that he feels some amount of curiosity, confusion and even sadness about. The books told us this would begin to happen at his age – for some children more than others. And yet, nothing could have fully prepared me for the flood of thoughts and emotions as I saw his grief come crashing in. The loss and pain of his broken past are now more fully his loss and his pain. His heart was breaking and as he cried I felt so helpless – I felt so small. There was nothing I could say and little I could do other than take turns with his mom holding him close and listening, being sure to acknowledge each and every emotion and longing he expressed.
The adoption journey certainly has its share of loss and pain for everyone involved. Our journey to our son has pain and loss, and even grief, but it is not the same as his. In that sense, we share the same adoption with him, albeit from different perspectives, but we do not fully share his same journey. As I held him close I so desperately wanted to tell him that I understood what he was thinking and feeling . . . and God knows I wanted to, but I can’t. Not truly. He knows it and so do I. As a result, all we could offer him was our reassuring presence to help him run toward the loss and pain, not away from it. To help him own the grief that he feels, and to own it redemptively.
{Blogger's note: The previous two sentences are two of the most profound and powerful sentences I have ever read on the subject of grief. I have never heard anyone say this - yet it is so true. And I think we can all learn own our grief - no matter what the source of that grief - redemptively. What a beautiful picture. And only possible because of what Jesus did. It is a picture of the cross.}
As a dad everything in me wants to protect my son from such grief. As an adoptive dad, this grief can appear as an unwelcome intruder seemingly intent on pushing he and I apart – reminding us both of “another” as if to suggest the need for him to make an impossible choice. But I choose to believe that his grief can bring us closer together. By choosing to let go of my desire to hold exclusive claim to my son’s love and loyalty; by choosing to see myself not as an all-sufficient substitute for what he has lost, but rather as an imperfect father dependent on God’s grace to love him well, then, and only then, can I offer my son what he needs most, especially in the midst of his pain and grief.
I find that there is beauty in the pain and I know there is meaning in the grief. As a result, we will do our best to weave this pain and grief into the story that we tell and re-tell, being sure not to miss the beauty or overlook the meaning. But last night as I fought against my instinct to try to make the pain and grief go away, all I could do was hold my son in my arms and reassure him that I love him – all of him. This includes his pain and grief. There was no nice and neat resolution to our time together, no magic words that I was able to speak to make everything better. Instead, as he cried himself to sleep in my arms all I could do was hold him, with his grief, tightly, and remind him that we are both in the arms of another.
Embracing the Grief of Adoption
By: Michael Monroe
I was reminded last night of something I already knew, though I often try to forget it. It is one of the more sobering realities of adoption – the fact that there is no adoption without loss and pain . . . and grief.
As an adoptive dad, like all adoptive parents, my tendency is to focus on the miracle, blessing and joy of adoption – and rightfully so. These are the undeniably beautiful realities of the adoption journey. But they do not negate the equally unavoidable reality that there is no adoption without loss and pain. Adoption is at the same time born from and a response to hurt, loss and sorrow.
Last night I saw through my son’s tears and heard in his words the deep, heartbreaking grief that lurks in the shadows of adoption. It was an intense sorrow caused by the loss he feels and understands now more than ever before. My son’s grief is for that which never was and for what will never be.
In trying to carefully walk a fine line between honestly telling about our adoption journey and protecting what is, after all, his story to tell, I dare not share the details of what was said. But it was all too clear that he has now come to an age where the facts of his past no longer merely equate to a story that he feels some amount of curiosity, confusion and even sadness about. The books told us this would begin to happen at his age – for some children more than others. And yet, nothing could have fully prepared me for the flood of thoughts and emotions as I saw his grief come crashing in. The loss and pain of his broken past are now more fully his loss and his pain. His heart was breaking and as he cried I felt so helpless – I felt so small. There was nothing I could say and little I could do other than take turns with his mom holding him close and listening, being sure to acknowledge each and every emotion and longing he expressed.
The adoption journey certainly has its share of loss and pain for everyone involved. Our journey to our son has pain and loss, and even grief, but it is not the same as his. In that sense, we share the same adoption with him, albeit from different perspectives, but we do not fully share his same journey. As I held him close I so desperately wanted to tell him that I understood what he was thinking and feeling . . . and God knows I wanted to, but I can’t. Not truly. He knows it and so do I. As a result, all we could offer him was our reassuring presence to help him run toward the loss and pain, not away from it. To help him own the grief that he feels, and to own it redemptively.
{Blogger's note: The previous two sentences are two of the most profound and powerful sentences I have ever read on the subject of grief. I have never heard anyone say this - yet it is so true. And I think we can all learn own our grief - no matter what the source of that grief - redemptively. What a beautiful picture. And only possible because of what Jesus did. It is a picture of the cross.}
As a dad everything in me wants to protect my son from such grief. As an adoptive dad, this grief can appear as an unwelcome intruder seemingly intent on pushing he and I apart – reminding us both of “another” as if to suggest the need for him to make an impossible choice. But I choose to believe that his grief can bring us closer together. By choosing to let go of my desire to hold exclusive claim to my son’s love and loyalty; by choosing to see myself not as an all-sufficient substitute for what he has lost, but rather as an imperfect father dependent on God’s grace to love him well, then, and only then, can I offer my son what he needs most, especially in the midst of his pain and grief.
I find that there is beauty in the pain and I know there is meaning in the grief. As a result, we will do our best to weave this pain and grief into the story that we tell and re-tell, being sure not to miss the beauty or overlook the meaning. But last night as I fought against my instinct to try to make the pain and grief go away, all I could do was hold my son in my arms and reassure him that I love him – all of him. This includes his pain and grief. There was no nice and neat resolution to our time together, no magic words that I was able to speak to make everything better. Instead, as he cried himself to sleep in my arms all I could do was hold him, with his grief, tightly, and remind him that we are both in the arms of another.
Adoption from the Inside Out
Adoption from the Inside Out (From Empowered to Connect)
By: Dr. Karyn Purvis, Michael Monroe
For many, the adoption process begins by surveying agency information, evaluating financial considerations and tackling mountains of paperwork, all while working through a complex array of questions, doubts and even fears. Likewise, once a family welcomes a child home their attention generally turns to the everyday aspects of parenting, as well as dealing with the extras that come with being a family who has been woven together through the miracle of adoption. While these are all important aspects of the adoption process, they can often crowd out some equally important steps along the way. One important, but often overlooked, aspect is the need to engage the adoption journey from the “inside out” — through ongoing, honest self-reflection and self-evaluation.
Starting from the Inside
We know how important it is for adoptive parents to engage in a self-evaluation process intentionally focused on assessing their motivations for adopting and examining their expectations about what they will likely experience. While this process may be time consuming and even at times a bit uncomfortable, it is always time well spent.
Properly Motivated — Being honest about motivations can be a tricky thing. However, it is critically important that you start with healthy motivations. It is not so much that there is one single “right” motivation for adopting, as there are several wrong motivations — motivations that often can lead to great disappointment and much hurt and heartache for everyone involved.
At its core, adoption should not be a humanitarian cause aimed at “rescuing” a poor, orphaned child or “fixing” a broken child, as heartbreaking as their children’s realities may be. It is equally important not to adopt in order to try to prove something or to make a point, nor because it is the “in” thing or even the “Christian thing” to do. Invariably, motivations such as these can cause a parent to bring a great deal of unnecessary “baggage” to the new parent-child relationship, resulting in unrealistic expectations, disappointment and a host of other negative outcomes.
Instead, a primary motivation for adopting must always be love — love that a parent has and is willing and able to unconditionally give to a child for a lifetime. This love is not merely a sentiment or a feeling, but rather a true commitment of the heart, soul, mind and body. Motivated by this kind of love, parents are far better well-positioned to partner with their child in order to build a healthy and trusting relationship. With this foundation parents can then begin to empower their children, help them heal and allow them to fully experience the blessings of a forever family.
Ultimately, adoption must be more about the child than it is about the parent. Although there is no denying the “mutual blessing” of adoption, it is essential that parents be willing to ask themselves difficult questions and provide honest answers to ensure that they are properly motivated and can thus provide the necessary foundations for a healthy relationship and a positive outcome.
Realistically Expecting — Adoptive parents who maintain realistic expectations throughout the entire adoption journey are far more likely to thrive even in the midst of the challenges that often arise. As a family travels the adoption journey it is essential that they avoid overly romanticized notions of how the adoption experience will unfold. There will undoubtedly be major milestones, “miracle moments” and breakthroughs filled with joy as a child begins to receive and respond to the love and care showered upon him or her. However, there will also likely be some amount of frustration, disappointment and pain as well.
No doubt every family truly believes they are adopting the “perfect child.” However, early on in the adoption process our heads often know, though our hearts may forget, that even though you may adopt the “perfect child” for your family, your child is not “perfect.” The good news, however, is neither are you. So every adoptive family should fully expect to encounter some challenges and bumps along the roadway as together they seek to learn and develop a healthy, trusting relationship. Our experience is that no family is completely immune.
The challenges start right away for some families, and unrealistic expectations can have a lot to do with both the cause and the ultimate outcomes. Some families travel half way around the world to adopt a young child and when they arrive at the orphanage they may unrealistically expect the child to instantaneously connect with them and them with him or her — the so-called “mommy or daddy moment.” While this does sometimes happen, for many reasons it is not always, or even generally, the norm. In fact, children who seem to instantly “attach” may be in reality exhibiting an attachment issue called “indiscriminate friendliness,” which will require guidance over time to help them understand how to create a healthy parent-child attachment.
Likewise, some adoptive parents choose to adopt older children only to be surprised that after a short “honeymoon” period the child, plucked from an orphanage in another country and culture and removed from all that is familiar and “safe” to him or her, is not grateful and compliant. Instead, the parents find themselves struggling with issues relating to communication, making good decisions and learning to follow the rules. More generally, they find themselves facing the challenge of helping the child fully understand what it means to be part of a family.
Regardless of the challenge or issue that arises it is all important to remember that the solutions and successes will not come over night. What is called for is “investment parenting,” though for many of us, accustomed to our fast paced society of instant gratification and quick results, the “return” on the “investment” is painfully slow in coming. The “investment” can be made in any number of ways, such as taking time off work for an extended period after a child comes home in order to help him or her connect with the new family. Some families make the “investment” by not putting the child in school or daycare immediately to allow for more time and interaction with parents and family members.
When a child comes into our family through birth we naturally expect several months of sleepless nights, dirty diapers and constant attention. Likewise, when a child comes into our family through adoption, parents should expect to make an equal “investment” of time to help the child feel safe and connected, even if the diapers and feedings are replaced with One additional key to creating realistic expectations is to be sure not to travel the adoption journey alone. Other adoptive families can often be the best resource for helping sift through what to realistically expect. It is important, however, that these experienced adoptive families are willing to be honest and open about their experiences – both the highs and the lows. Support groups, church ministries and other communities of families are a great place to connect with families like these to learn about what you should realistically expect and how you can best be prepared to respond.
It’s Never Too Late to Ask the Right Questions
While honest and critical self-evaluation is vitally important early on in the adoption process, it is never too late for parents to start looking “inside” to ask themselves the right questions. As challenges and issues with a child arise it is all too easy for parents to assume that the problem, and therefore the solution, lies completely with the child. However, this assumption can often mask the true reality and serve to only further prolong the pain and frustration.
It is critical for parents to be willing to not only assess their motivations and expectations on an ongoing basis, but to also be willing to explore their own histories and address what they may find. In order to guide a child toward healing, parents need to know the path themselves. All things being equal, parents who fearlessly explore their own history and how it may affect their parenting are parents who are generally better prepared to welcome a child home and begin partnering with their child so they can connect and heal.
Melanie Chung Sherman, an independent adoption social worker in Texas and a Korean adoptee herself, explains: “Parenting can bring an array of emotions and feelings to the surface. When parents build their families through adoption, many times unresolved issues such as grief and loss due to infertility, past abuse and neglect, past addictions or health problems come to the surface. The child’s deep needs can often trigger these unresolved issues of the past and the impacts can ultimately find their way to the child. If parents do not intentionally and honestly assess themselves and begin to work toward healing for unresolved issues, the adoption dynamics can compound these past traumas and prevent parents from fully embracing the complexities and joys of the adoption journey. Self-assessment and self-evaluation must go well beyond the home-study and become an ongoing part of how to engage the adoption journey as it unfolds. It is no doubt messy and difficult, but the long-term rewards will be substantial for the well-being of the child and the entire family.”
This is reinforced by recent research from the TCU Institute of Child Development documenting specific critical parent issues that can become hindrances to positive outcomes for adoptive families if the issues are not explored and resolved. These issues include childhood losses such as the death of a parent, death of a sibling, divorce, alcoholism of a parent, trauma, neglect or abuse. Adult losses that need to be explored include miscarriage, divorce, death of a loved one and trauma. In addition, numerous researchers have documented significant positive shifts in families where the parents are able to process their own histories. In turn, these parents are empowered and able to guide their children through a similar process.
Approaching adoption from the “inside out” is an important ongoing part of the adoption journey that can be incredibly beneficial for both you and your child. The life-long journey of adoption is filled with blessings and joy, though it can also bring its fair share of challenges, loss and pain. In the end, however, we have come to believe that the truest blessing of adoption is not in living “happily ever after,” but rather in the God-kissed opportunity to unconditionally give your love away with the hope that your gift will be fully accepted and will transform the life of a child – forever.
A Few Questions to Consider . . .
Here are a few questions that can help you examine your motivations, expectations and any unresolved issues that may affect your ability to fully connect with your child:
• What are the reasons why I want to adopt?
• Is adoption more about me or the child I will welcome into my family?
• What issues or challenges do I expect to encounter as I parent my children? How do I plan to deal with those issues and challenges?
• How will I respond if things don’t turn out as I have planned after I bring my child home?
• How will those around me, such as friends and family, react if things do not go as planned?
• Are there issues in my past such as unresolved grief, loss, abuse or trauma that I have not adequately dealt with? If so, how do I plan to address and deal with those issues?
Reprinted from the December/January 2009 issue of Adoption Today magazine.
By: Dr. Karyn Purvis, Michael Monroe
For many, the adoption process begins by surveying agency information, evaluating financial considerations and tackling mountains of paperwork, all while working through a complex array of questions, doubts and even fears. Likewise, once a family welcomes a child home their attention generally turns to the everyday aspects of parenting, as well as dealing with the extras that come with being a family who has been woven together through the miracle of adoption. While these are all important aspects of the adoption process, they can often crowd out some equally important steps along the way. One important, but often overlooked, aspect is the need to engage the adoption journey from the “inside out” — through ongoing, honest self-reflection and self-evaluation.
Starting from the Inside
We know how important it is for adoptive parents to engage in a self-evaluation process intentionally focused on assessing their motivations for adopting and examining their expectations about what they will likely experience. While this process may be time consuming and even at times a bit uncomfortable, it is always time well spent.
Properly Motivated — Being honest about motivations can be a tricky thing. However, it is critically important that you start with healthy motivations. It is not so much that there is one single “right” motivation for adopting, as there are several wrong motivations — motivations that often can lead to great disappointment and much hurt and heartache for everyone involved.
At its core, adoption should not be a humanitarian cause aimed at “rescuing” a poor, orphaned child or “fixing” a broken child, as heartbreaking as their children’s realities may be. It is equally important not to adopt in order to try to prove something or to make a point, nor because it is the “in” thing or even the “Christian thing” to do. Invariably, motivations such as these can cause a parent to bring a great deal of unnecessary “baggage” to the new parent-child relationship, resulting in unrealistic expectations, disappointment and a host of other negative outcomes.
Instead, a primary motivation for adopting must always be love — love that a parent has and is willing and able to unconditionally give to a child for a lifetime. This love is not merely a sentiment or a feeling, but rather a true commitment of the heart, soul, mind and body. Motivated by this kind of love, parents are far better well-positioned to partner with their child in order to build a healthy and trusting relationship. With this foundation parents can then begin to empower their children, help them heal and allow them to fully experience the blessings of a forever family.
Ultimately, adoption must be more about the child than it is about the parent. Although there is no denying the “mutual blessing” of adoption, it is essential that parents be willing to ask themselves difficult questions and provide honest answers to ensure that they are properly motivated and can thus provide the necessary foundations for a healthy relationship and a positive outcome.
Realistically Expecting — Adoptive parents who maintain realistic expectations throughout the entire adoption journey are far more likely to thrive even in the midst of the challenges that often arise. As a family travels the adoption journey it is essential that they avoid overly romanticized notions of how the adoption experience will unfold. There will undoubtedly be major milestones, “miracle moments” and breakthroughs filled with joy as a child begins to receive and respond to the love and care showered upon him or her. However, there will also likely be some amount of frustration, disappointment and pain as well.
No doubt every family truly believes they are adopting the “perfect child.” However, early on in the adoption process our heads often know, though our hearts may forget, that even though you may adopt the “perfect child” for your family, your child is not “perfect.” The good news, however, is neither are you. So every adoptive family should fully expect to encounter some challenges and bumps along the roadway as together they seek to learn and develop a healthy, trusting relationship. Our experience is that no family is completely immune.
The challenges start right away for some families, and unrealistic expectations can have a lot to do with both the cause and the ultimate outcomes. Some families travel half way around the world to adopt a young child and when they arrive at the orphanage they may unrealistically expect the child to instantaneously connect with them and them with him or her — the so-called “mommy or daddy moment.” While this does sometimes happen, for many reasons it is not always, or even generally, the norm. In fact, children who seem to instantly “attach” may be in reality exhibiting an attachment issue called “indiscriminate friendliness,” which will require guidance over time to help them understand how to create a healthy parent-child attachment.
Likewise, some adoptive parents choose to adopt older children only to be surprised that after a short “honeymoon” period the child, plucked from an orphanage in another country and culture and removed from all that is familiar and “safe” to him or her, is not grateful and compliant. Instead, the parents find themselves struggling with issues relating to communication, making good decisions and learning to follow the rules. More generally, they find themselves facing the challenge of helping the child fully understand what it means to be part of a family.
Regardless of the challenge or issue that arises it is all important to remember that the solutions and successes will not come over night. What is called for is “investment parenting,” though for many of us, accustomed to our fast paced society of instant gratification and quick results, the “return” on the “investment” is painfully slow in coming. The “investment” can be made in any number of ways, such as taking time off work for an extended period after a child comes home in order to help him or her connect with the new family. Some families make the “investment” by not putting the child in school or daycare immediately to allow for more time and interaction with parents and family members.
When a child comes into our family through birth we naturally expect several months of sleepless nights, dirty diapers and constant attention. Likewise, when a child comes into our family through adoption, parents should expect to make an equal “investment” of time to help the child feel safe and connected, even if the diapers and feedings are replaced with One additional key to creating realistic expectations is to be sure not to travel the adoption journey alone. Other adoptive families can often be the best resource for helping sift through what to realistically expect. It is important, however, that these experienced adoptive families are willing to be honest and open about their experiences – both the highs and the lows. Support groups, church ministries and other communities of families are a great place to connect with families like these to learn about what you should realistically expect and how you can best be prepared to respond.
It’s Never Too Late to Ask the Right Questions
While honest and critical self-evaluation is vitally important early on in the adoption process, it is never too late for parents to start looking “inside” to ask themselves the right questions. As challenges and issues with a child arise it is all too easy for parents to assume that the problem, and therefore the solution, lies completely with the child. However, this assumption can often mask the true reality and serve to only further prolong the pain and frustration.
It is critical for parents to be willing to not only assess their motivations and expectations on an ongoing basis, but to also be willing to explore their own histories and address what they may find. In order to guide a child toward healing, parents need to know the path themselves. All things being equal, parents who fearlessly explore their own history and how it may affect their parenting are parents who are generally better prepared to welcome a child home and begin partnering with their child so they can connect and heal.
Melanie Chung Sherman, an independent adoption social worker in Texas and a Korean adoptee herself, explains: “Parenting can bring an array of emotions and feelings to the surface. When parents build their families through adoption, many times unresolved issues such as grief and loss due to infertility, past abuse and neglect, past addictions or health problems come to the surface. The child’s deep needs can often trigger these unresolved issues of the past and the impacts can ultimately find their way to the child. If parents do not intentionally and honestly assess themselves and begin to work toward healing for unresolved issues, the adoption dynamics can compound these past traumas and prevent parents from fully embracing the complexities and joys of the adoption journey. Self-assessment and self-evaluation must go well beyond the home-study and become an ongoing part of how to engage the adoption journey as it unfolds. It is no doubt messy and difficult, but the long-term rewards will be substantial for the well-being of the child and the entire family.”
This is reinforced by recent research from the TCU Institute of Child Development documenting specific critical parent issues that can become hindrances to positive outcomes for adoptive families if the issues are not explored and resolved. These issues include childhood losses such as the death of a parent, death of a sibling, divorce, alcoholism of a parent, trauma, neglect or abuse. Adult losses that need to be explored include miscarriage, divorce, death of a loved one and trauma. In addition, numerous researchers have documented significant positive shifts in families where the parents are able to process their own histories. In turn, these parents are empowered and able to guide their children through a similar process.
Approaching adoption from the “inside out” is an important ongoing part of the adoption journey that can be incredibly beneficial for both you and your child. The life-long journey of adoption is filled with blessings and joy, though it can also bring its fair share of challenges, loss and pain. In the end, however, we have come to believe that the truest blessing of adoption is not in living “happily ever after,” but rather in the God-kissed opportunity to unconditionally give your love away with the hope that your gift will be fully accepted and will transform the life of a child – forever.
A Few Questions to Consider . . .
Here are a few questions that can help you examine your motivations, expectations and any unresolved issues that may affect your ability to fully connect with your child:
• What are the reasons why I want to adopt?
• Is adoption more about me or the child I will welcome into my family?
• What issues or challenges do I expect to encounter as I parent my children? How do I plan to deal with those issues and challenges?
• How will I respond if things don’t turn out as I have planned after I bring my child home?
• How will those around me, such as friends and family, react if things do not go as planned?
• Are there issues in my past such as unresolved grief, loss, abuse or trauma that I have not adequately dealt with? If so, how do I plan to address and deal with those issues?
Reprinted from the December/January 2009 issue of Adoption Today magazine.
A Cute Little Girl Came to Visit Yesterday
Miss Jaida came over yesterday.
We read books.
Isn't she SO cute?
I really want to get my hands on that hair of hers.
So, I did. But, mommy is yelling at me right now to STOP!
Even though I messed up Jaida's hair, she still wanted to see what I was doing. I think she thinks I'm big stuff!
Then I guess I decided to really go after her hair a little while later.
But she played good defense and I fell down.
We lived happily ever after with our sippy cups and snacks!
We read books.
Isn't she SO cute?
I really want to get my hands on that hair of hers.So, I did. But, mommy is yelling at me right now to STOP!Even though I messed up Jaida's hair, she still wanted to see what I was doing. I think she thinks I'm big stuff!
Then I guess I decided to really go after her hair a little while later.
But she played good defense and I fell down.
We lived happily ever after with our sippy cups and snacks!
We Are Counting Down the Days
Not until our adoption.
Not until the end of summer (heavens, no!).
Not until Christmas.
We are counting down the days until . . .
a
very
special
person
comes
to
visit
us
on
Labor
Day
Weekend
Day
Weekend
*
*
*
That's right! Our little monkey's Tia Leti is coming to visit us from Texas.
I am so incredibly thrilled I can hardly stand it!!
I have found myself often watching Abram do something cute or looking at his funny faces through my rear-view mirror in the car and thought, "I can't wait until Leti gets to see him do that."
Oh, it will be so wonderful to see her!
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Excellent Adoption Resource
I have recently been checking out the blog called Empowered to Connect (ETC). It is FULL OF INCREDIBLY HELPFUL RESOURCES for parents who adopt or foster children from hard places. Adopting children who come from orphanages overseas definitely constitutes "hard places."
And after listening to the Family Life Today Interviews with Dr. Karyn Purvis (who is a leading Christian researcher in the area of helping children who come from hard places and the author of the book, "The Connected Child") I am determined to read every piece of information posted on the ETC blog. And I just ordered the book.
If you are thinking about adopting, are in the process to adopt or have already adopted, I STRONGLY ENCOURAGE YOU to check out the ETC blog. Or, I suppose you can just follow me as I check out the blog. I hope to post most of what I read about.
So here is the first installment. Listen to the FamilyLifeTodayInterviews with Dr. Karyn Purvis. There are three interviews, each about 20 minutes or so long. Below is a snapshot of what the three messages are about and a short exerpt from each one. They are each a wealth of incredibly helpful information!
Interview #1:
Dr. Purvis talks about the realities for children from hard places and encourages parents to “count the cost.”
I’ve never seen a child who can’t come to profound levels of healing. Never. There’s no timeline on healing. It’s easiest when they’re little. It’s easiest before the history of failures. So if you can be proactive and be pre-trained that would be desired. (Dr. Purvis)
Interview #2:
Dr. Purvis talks about the importance of parents having realistic expectations as they begin and travel the adoption or foster care journey.
We have this dream that we’ll bring a child home and they’ll be so thankful and they’ll be so excited that we love them. And those are the expectations that have to come to the cross before we bring our child home. Because I go to bring a child home because I believe God’s called me to do this, I have a peace in my spirit to do this. But that child may have left a culture and friends and the only life they knew. It may be their darkest hour in their own little lives. (Dr. Purvis)
Interview #3
Dr. Purvis offers tools and strategies for parents to help them connect with their children to help them heal and become all that God intends.
I ask parents up front to remember this: scared kids look crazy and sad kids look angry. So stand before your child with an open heart because this child has come from incredibly hard places. (Dr. Purvis)
And after listening to the Family Life Today Interviews with Dr. Karyn Purvis (who is a leading Christian researcher in the area of helping children who come from hard places and the author of the book, "The Connected Child") I am determined to read every piece of information posted on the ETC blog. And I just ordered the book.
If you are thinking about adopting, are in the process to adopt or have already adopted, I STRONGLY ENCOURAGE YOU to check out the ETC blog. Or, I suppose you can just follow me as I check out the blog. I hope to post most of what I read about.
So here is the first installment. Listen to the FamilyLifeTodayInterviews with Dr. Karyn Purvis. There are three interviews, each about 20 minutes or so long. Below is a snapshot of what the three messages are about and a short exerpt from each one. They are each a wealth of incredibly helpful information!
Interview #1:
Dr. Purvis talks about the realities for children from hard places and encourages parents to “count the cost.”
I’ve never seen a child who can’t come to profound levels of healing. Never. There’s no timeline on healing. It’s easiest when they’re little. It’s easiest before the history of failures. So if you can be proactive and be pre-trained that would be desired. (Dr. Purvis)
Interview #2:
Dr. Purvis talks about the importance of parents having realistic expectations as they begin and travel the adoption or foster care journey.
We have this dream that we’ll bring a child home and they’ll be so thankful and they’ll be so excited that we love them. And those are the expectations that have to come to the cross before we bring our child home. Because I go to bring a child home because I believe God’s called me to do this, I have a peace in my spirit to do this. But that child may have left a culture and friends and the only life they knew. It may be their darkest hour in their own little lives. (Dr. Purvis)
Interview #3
Dr. Purvis offers tools and strategies for parents to help them connect with their children to help them heal and become all that God intends.
I ask parents up front to remember this: scared kids look crazy and sad kids look angry. So stand before your child with an open heart because this child has come from incredibly hard places. (Dr. Purvis)
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Just Another Day Around Here
Yesterday . . .
Kate and the kids came for lunch. (Liz is also in the picture - she is living in our basement right now.)
Notice a different table? Since we are adopting three kids, I knew we needed a table that fit more people. Since our kitchen is pretty small, I wanted to try to get a longer, more narrow table. I am a Craigslist junky, but had a hard time finding a table fitting this description.
Kate and a friend were going to the Iowa State Surplus sale last Wednesday and I tagged along. Boy, am I glad I did! I found this great 6' long by 2.5' wide table for $10. What a deal! And I really like the way it fits. Even though it is grey and matches, I'm going to redo it to make it more fun.
(ISU has a surplus sale every Wednesday from noon to 2:00 or 3:00p in a building near the Ag Leader Building on Airport Road)
Greyson being the last-child-funny-boy, with an apple in his mouth while being a chicken with his arms. We were all laughing!
Abram can finally climb up his little slide on his own.
Instead of sliding down, he loves to roll crab apples from our tree down the slide.
Aunt Kate gave Abram some of the boys' cars to play with.
Are you ready for hide and seek, mom?
PEEK
-A-BOO
Another one of Abram's favorite things to do right now:
Kate and the kids came for lunch. (Liz is also in the picture - she is living in our basement right now.)
Notice a different table? Since we are adopting three kids, I knew we needed a table that fit more people. Since our kitchen is pretty small, I wanted to try to get a longer, more narrow table. I am a Craigslist junky, but had a hard time finding a table fitting this description.
Kate and a friend were going to the Iowa State Surplus sale last Wednesday and I tagged along. Boy, am I glad I did! I found this great 6' long by 2.5' wide table for $10. What a deal! And I really like the way it fits. Even though it is grey and matches, I'm going to redo it to make it more fun.
(ISU has a surplus sale every Wednesday from noon to 2:00 or 3:00p in a building near the Ag Leader Building on Airport Road)
Greyson being the last-child-funny-boy, with an apple in his mouth while being a chicken with his arms. We were all laughing!
Abram can finally climb up his little slide on his own.
Instead of sliding down, he loves to roll crab apples from our tree down the slide.
Aunt Kate gave Abram some of the boys' cars to play with.
Are you ready for hide and seek, mom?
PEEK
-A-BOO
Another one of Abram's favorite things to do right now:
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Why Are We Adopting Three Kids?
This is a popular question so I thought I would answer it today.
The bottom line is that we feel God has led us to the decision to adopt three kids from a country that starts with a C in Africa. (I'm no longer posting the name of the country to help protect adoptions from that country. Countries have shut down adoption programs because of misinterpretations from blogs. So, I'm playing it safe.)
In the midst of praying and talking through things a few weeks ago, here are the factors God used to lead us to THREE:
- Since we started trying to have kids, we have wanted at least four kids.
- There are 4.5 million orphans in the capital of C country.
- The adoption tax credit change makes it even possible to think about adopting three kids.
- There are 4.5 million orphans in the capital of C country.
- Adopting three now eliminates going through another adoption process (with all of its paperwork) in the future to get us to four kids.
- There are 4.5 million orphans in the capital city of country C.
- It would be an overwhelming adjustment to bring two kids from another country into our home. Bringing a third child into our home will increase this adjustment but won't triple it.
- Did I mention there are 4.5 million orphans in C country's capital?
As you might imagine, we have received a number of interesting reactions when people hear we are adopting three kids. And I would be lying if I told you I haven't ever had a doubt that this is what we should do. I have had my doubts from time to time. The doubts typically come after a number of questioning or negative responses. They have also come when I start to read about the emotional issues our children are going to have.
I have known that there are issues - many issues - kids have to deal with when they are adopted from another country. Issues with hoarding food (because there has never been enough food), problems with bonding and attachment (because likely they have never had a secure attachment to someone that has made them feel safe and loved), the stress of learning a new language, identity issues because their names change and on and on. I hope to post about some of these things as we dive into learning them ourselves. Over the past weekend, I read just a little about a couple of these things. And it overwelmed me.
At church on Sunday, our pastor, Jeff, shared a quote that very much summed up what was happening in my heart:
Despondency arises through listening to ourselves and our self-assessment instead of looking to God, recalling His purposes, living according to our dignity in Him and rediscovering in Him our source and power. (J. Alec Motyer, "The Prophecy of Isaiah," p. 387)
Once I look to God and His purposes again, all is well with my soul (this is the continual battle of life for all believers in Jesus).
I have said it before, and I'm sure I will say it many more times: adopting three kids is going to be extremely difficult. And I want to be clear about something: We are not doing it because we think we have the ability to help three kids adjust to life here or to because we think we can muster up the parenting skills or because we are so spiritual and think we can help save the world. No. We have very little to offer. We are completely incapable of taking on this challenge. We are merely jars of clay in the had of an almighty God who cares about the least of these on our earth.
For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness,"made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body.
2 Corinthians 4:6-11
We are staking this whole adoption - coming up with the money we need, getting a vehicle, helping three orphans transition into our family - ON GOD. If in two years or five years from now you look at our family and we are doing okay, you can be sure that it had everything to do with God and His power.
A quote from the book Crazy Love that I got from my friend, Janel's recent blog post,
sums up why we are adopting three kids from Africa:
"God doesn’t call us to be comfortable. He calls us to trust Him so completely that we are unafraid to put ourselves in situations where we will be in trouble if He doesn’t come through." –Francis Chan
The bottom line is that we feel God has led us to the decision to adopt three kids from a country that starts with a C in Africa. (I'm no longer posting the name of the country to help protect adoptions from that country. Countries have shut down adoption programs because of misinterpretations from blogs. So, I'm playing it safe.)
In the midst of praying and talking through things a few weeks ago, here are the factors God used to lead us to THREE:
- Since we started trying to have kids, we have wanted at least four kids.
- There are 4.5 million orphans in the capital of C country.
- The adoption tax credit change makes it even possible to think about adopting three kids.
- There are 4.5 million orphans in the capital of C country.
- Adopting three now eliminates going through another adoption process (with all of its paperwork) in the future to get us to four kids.
- There are 4.5 million orphans in the capital city of country C.
- It would be an overwhelming adjustment to bring two kids from another country into our home. Bringing a third child into our home will increase this adjustment but won't triple it.
- Did I mention there are 4.5 million orphans in C country's capital?
As you might imagine, we have received a number of interesting reactions when people hear we are adopting three kids. And I would be lying if I told you I haven't ever had a doubt that this is what we should do. I have had my doubts from time to time. The doubts typically come after a number of questioning or negative responses. They have also come when I start to read about the emotional issues our children are going to have.
I have known that there are issues - many issues - kids have to deal with when they are adopted from another country. Issues with hoarding food (because there has never been enough food), problems with bonding and attachment (because likely they have never had a secure attachment to someone that has made them feel safe and loved), the stress of learning a new language, identity issues because their names change and on and on. I hope to post about some of these things as we dive into learning them ourselves. Over the past weekend, I read just a little about a couple of these things. And it overwelmed me.
At church on Sunday, our pastor, Jeff, shared a quote that very much summed up what was happening in my heart:
Despondency arises through listening to ourselves and our self-assessment instead of looking to God, recalling His purposes, living according to our dignity in Him and rediscovering in Him our source and power. (J. Alec Motyer, "The Prophecy of Isaiah," p. 387)
Once I look to God and His purposes again, all is well with my soul (this is the continual battle of life for all believers in Jesus).
I have said it before, and I'm sure I will say it many more times: adopting three kids is going to be extremely difficult. And I want to be clear about something: We are not doing it because we think we have the ability to help three kids adjust to life here or to because we think we can muster up the parenting skills or because we are so spiritual and think we can help save the world. No. We have very little to offer. We are completely incapable of taking on this challenge. We are merely jars of clay in the had of an almighty God who cares about the least of these on our earth.
For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness,"made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body.
2 Corinthians 4:6-11
We are staking this whole adoption - coming up with the money we need, getting a vehicle, helping three orphans transition into our family - ON GOD. If in two years or five years from now you look at our family and we are doing okay, you can be sure that it had everything to do with God and His power.
A quote from the book Crazy Love that I got from my friend, Janel's recent blog post,
sums up why we are adopting three kids from Africa:
"God doesn’t call us to be comfortable. He calls us to trust Him so completely that we are unafraid to put ourselves in situations where we will be in trouble if He doesn’t come through." –Francis Chan
Monday, July 12, 2010
The Beginning of our Adoption Fund
Right here it is. All $12+ of it.
Unbeknownst to Jason and I, this past Friday afternoon our neices and nephew and their friends (whose family is also adopting from the same agency we are) had a lemonade and cookie stand at the end of the Ehresman driveway. Before they opened their stand, they decided all the proceeds of their business venture would go toward the adoption funds of our family and the other friends' family.
They made $26 total. Pretty stinkin' good for selling lemonade and cookies!
When I got handed this baggie of our half of the money, I could have just cried. How sweet of those kids to think about bringing home African kids from half way around the world. I love it!
Another quick, cute story along the same lines: Two weeks ago Mya and Sydney were playing at the Zielke house with the Zielke girls and some neighbor girls. Stephanie Zielke texted me to say they were all playing "adoption" with some dolls . . . and even talking about the paperwork. I love how God might use our adoption to shape little lives outside of our immediate family!
Unbeknownst to Jason and I, this past Friday afternoon our neices and nephew and their friends (whose family is also adopting from the same agency we are) had a lemonade and cookie stand at the end of the Ehresman driveway. Before they opened their stand, they decided all the proceeds of their business venture would go toward the adoption funds of our family and the other friends' family. They made $26 total. Pretty stinkin' good for selling lemonade and cookies!
When I got handed this baggie of our half of the money, I could have just cried. How sweet of those kids to think about bringing home African kids from half way around the world. I love it!
Another quick, cute story along the same lines: Two weeks ago Mya and Sydney were playing at the Zielke house with the Zielke girls and some neighbor girls. Stephanie Zielke texted me to say they were all playing "adoption" with some dolls . . . and even talking about the paperwork. I love how God might use our adoption to shape little lives outside of our immediate family!
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Our Three Kids in Africa
First of all, I need to update you on the ages and genders of the three kids we are adopting. We changed them! If you remember from a previous post, we originally planned to adopt a five year old boy, three year old girl and infant of either gender.
After talking to Troy and Pam Nesbitt (Troy is one of our pastors at Cornerstone Church; he and Pam adopted two boys from Ethiopia a couple years ago), we changed the ages and genders of the children we will be adopting. New drumroll please . . .
We are adopting two girls between the ages of 3 and 5 and a boy 0-2 years old.
We truly believe God has led us to these ages/genders of children. Since we already decided on three, we are choosing to give each of our kids a "buddy" to go through life with. We are so excited about being a family of six with two girls and two little boys. Jason and I both think this family make-up fits us very well.
It wasn't until two days after we decided on this new family make-up that I realized the incredible gift God gave me.
My sister and I are very close and we have been all of our lives. I can't imagine any part of life without my sister. For a good portion of my early life, therefore, I didn't know what I would do if I didn't have two girls close together in age after I got married. I had to have two girls, close in age! But, about 11 years ago (when I was living in Thailand), I distinctly remember realizing it would be wrong if I kept up that thinking. So, I submitted this desire to God and decided to let Him be in control of what kids I had down the road (and I honestly didn't think about it a whole lot after that). A few years later, my nephew Brady was born and he completely stole my heart. Oh how I loved that little boy (and then the idea of having little boys)! Another several years later, after Jason and I knew we were going to adopt a little boy and name him Abram, I began picturing myself with all boys. The crazy thing is that I was totally okay with that.
So you can imagine my surprise and joy when it dawned on me (two days after deciding on our new family make-up) that I was going to have two girls, close together in age. And God let me CHOOSE this! It is a redemptive moment in the story God is unfolding of our family's journey through infertility and adoption. I could have never known this beautiful blessing waiting on the other side of the pain of infertility. God is so incredibly GOOD!
So back to the title of this post. Two nights ago I laid in bed thinking about and praying for our three kids in Africa. God already knows exactly who they are. He has chosen them specifically for our family.
Our two girls and little boy are probably very hot and thirsty. They will probably only eat 2-3 meals today and be hungry. They probably wear the same outfit day after day.
Do the girls know each other? Do they have friends in the orphanage? Do they wonder if they will ever have a mommy and daddy? Do they dream of being part of a family? Does our little boy have someone to snuggle him up and rock him to sleep?
I don't know the answer to these questions.
Here is what I do know:
But you, O God, do see trouble and grief; you consider it to take it in hand . . . you are the helper of the fatherless. Psalm 10:14
(These kids are from one of the orphanages that our agency works with in the country we are adopting from. By no means are any of these "our" kids.")
After talking to Troy and Pam Nesbitt (Troy is one of our pastors at Cornerstone Church; he and Pam adopted two boys from Ethiopia a couple years ago), we changed the ages and genders of the children we will be adopting. New drumroll please . . .
We are adopting two girls between the ages of 3 and 5 and a boy 0-2 years old.
We truly believe God has led us to these ages/genders of children. Since we already decided on three, we are choosing to give each of our kids a "buddy" to go through life with. We are so excited about being a family of six with two girls and two little boys. Jason and I both think this family make-up fits us very well.
It wasn't until two days after we decided on this new family make-up that I realized the incredible gift God gave me.
My sister and I are very close and we have been all of our lives. I can't imagine any part of life without my sister. For a good portion of my early life, therefore, I didn't know what I would do if I didn't have two girls close together in age after I got married. I had to have two girls, close in age! But, about 11 years ago (when I was living in Thailand), I distinctly remember realizing it would be wrong if I kept up that thinking. So, I submitted this desire to God and decided to let Him be in control of what kids I had down the road (and I honestly didn't think about it a whole lot after that). A few years later, my nephew Brady was born and he completely stole my heart. Oh how I loved that little boy (and then the idea of having little boys)! Another several years later, after Jason and I knew we were going to adopt a little boy and name him Abram, I began picturing myself with all boys. The crazy thing is that I was totally okay with that.
So you can imagine my surprise and joy when it dawned on me (two days after deciding on our new family make-up) that I was going to have two girls, close together in age. And God let me CHOOSE this! It is a redemptive moment in the story God is unfolding of our family's journey through infertility and adoption. I could have never known this beautiful blessing waiting on the other side of the pain of infertility. God is so incredibly GOOD!
So back to the title of this post. Two nights ago I laid in bed thinking about and praying for our three kids in Africa. God already knows exactly who they are. He has chosen them specifically for our family.
Our two girls and little boy are probably very hot and thirsty. They will probably only eat 2-3 meals today and be hungry. They probably wear the same outfit day after day.
Do the girls know each other? Do they have friends in the orphanage? Do they wonder if they will ever have a mommy and daddy? Do they dream of being part of a family? Does our little boy have someone to snuggle him up and rock him to sleep?
I don't know the answer to these questions.
Here is what I do know:
But you, O God, do see trouble and grief; you consider it to take it in hand . . . you are the helper of the fatherless. Psalm 10:14
(These kids are from one of the orphanages that our agency works with in the country we are adopting from. By no means are any of these "our" kids.")Monday, July 5, 2010
Lazy Sunday Afternoon
Since we celebrated 4th of July on Saturday, we enjoyed a lazy Sunday afternoon at home.
Between the rain showers we were able to take a walk.
Between the rain showers we were able to take a walk.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
4th of July Fun
A little pre-parade snack for the little man.
Brady with the tank and army guys.
Loving the parade (we always go to the Slater parade).
Waiting for more candy.
The best I could get of all five of them (plus Kaitlyn Brekke!).
Okay, this is seriously one of the best parts of the parade . . . this crazy guy and his ducks!
There go the ducks waddling down the street.
Abram had a great time.
Janel Brekke and Kate lounging during the parade.
Two tired boys after the parade.
After the parade, Brady go to ride this tractor with Kyler Brekke.
And then, Brady got to go with Chuck Brekke for a motorcycle ride to Saylorville Lake. This was a dream day for Brady!
Sydney and Grey getting ready to watch fireworks Saturday night.
The Ehresman Crew (with Abram hanging out in his P-pops in the background).
Getting a treat from Auntie Kim (Dietz).
Someone found the Pringles!
Sparkler-action.
Once the fireworks actually started, Mr. Monkey was sleepy and slept during all the fireworks. I couldn't believe it!
Sleepy-man on the way home.
What a great day celebrating the 4th of July with friends and family!
Brady with the tank and army guys.
Loving the parade (we always go to the Slater parade).
Waiting for more candy.
The best I could get of all five of them (plus Kaitlyn Brekke!).
Okay, this is seriously one of the best parts of the parade . . . this crazy guy and his ducks!
There go the ducks waddling down the street.
Abram had a great time.
Janel Brekke and Kate lounging during the parade.
Two tired boys after the parade.
After the parade, Brady go to ride this tractor with Kyler Brekke.
And then, Brady got to go with Chuck Brekke for a motorcycle ride to Saylorville Lake. This was a dream day for Brady!
Sydney and Grey getting ready to watch fireworks Saturday night.
The Ehresman Crew (with Abram hanging out in his P-pops in the background).
Getting a treat from Auntie Kim (Dietz).
Someone found the Pringles!
Sparkler-action.
Once the fireworks actually started, Mr. Monkey was sleepy and slept during all the fireworks. I couldn't believe it!
Sleepy-man on the way home. 
What a great day celebrating the 4th of July with friends and family!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)