The Attachment Dance

The kids all piled on the hammock last night and sang the Veggie Tales theme song at the top of their lungs and then would laugh hysterically together at the end.  I was a little worried that our neighbors might be getting annoyed but it brought me tons of joy to see them all having a great time together!

I am definitely slowing down on the blogging. Life is finally reaching a new normal and I have less need to blog for therapy, I guess. And I need more time in my day to keep life moving along in our new normal pace. It is still a slow/not going many places pace (which I LOVE - at least the slow part), but I am trying to add in more planned activities, more vegetables in our meals . . . you know, normal life things!

Life does not feel like one big crisis-mode like it did there for awhile (no big raging episodes for a month now - praise God!). So thankful for that. In the past 3-4 weeks all three kids have been making increasingly greater strides toward attachment: the girls are showing much less control and manipulation, feeling safe and attached enough to both deal with some grief, they are more obedient, they will hold my hand and they look in my eyes more, Zoe is sleeping WAY better (which is a good sign of feeling safe/attached). Isaiah is coming to LIFE, talking and much more interactive than before. Praise the Lord for all of this! Seriously, it is so amazing to get to see Jesus work and change hearts right in front of my face nearly daily.

The new normal was a little bit hard for me to adjust to at first. With each emotional step my girls take toward me, I take emotional steps toward them . . . and so begins The Attachment Dance. When we were in crisis mode, or control-and-manipulation-at-every-single-turn-mode, I woke up every morning knowing to expect control and manipulation. I could prepare myself by separating my emotions from their behavior - i.e. not getting worked up when they did all the crazy C and M. The problem with the normal at first was that the girls and I would be strolling along our day with a somewhat normal connection and WHAM - out of the blue would come a big control reaction or big emotions. It would catch me off-guard and emotionally unprepared and I would react with more anger than I had ever experienced before because I wasn't prepared for it.

Jason and my weekend away came at a perfect time for me to deal with this stuff. The last week and this week have gone so much better. God has helped me be more prepared and more self-controlled (or not so emotionally connected to their behavior. I'm still doing the same stuff as I was before - very tight boundaries and loads of nurture, but it is starting to become our lifestyle now instead of something I felt like I had to force at first. One current challenge (much like any mother/parent) is teaching/training all four of my kids to obey the first time with a good attitude. It is just a little trickier teaching a 10 year old to obey and coming up with an appropriate consequence when it is not done correctly the first time (and when she hasn't had years of training). It is so good for me though because it keeps me depending on Jesus and His wisdom just about every minute.

I'll end with a story about Claire. A week and a half ago she and I were doing dishes together and she said, "Mom, can I ask you a question?" Okay, first hearing her speak perfect English like that was something! She went on and asked, "Why does everybody (meaning her siblings) like to play so much?" I was thankful for the Holy Spirit in that moment because I knew exactly what she was asking. {Sidenote: I'm learning that behind nearly every single action or question of a not-fully-attached child is something besides what you see or hear on the surface.}I said to her, "It is hard not really being a kid anymore but not being an adult yet, isn't it?" She quietly nodded her head in agreement. I gave her lots of affirmation and a big hug and said that I knew that was a hard place to be in (I seriously remember that awkward stage when I was young). I had seen this coming for a couple weeks so I wasn't surprised that she was wrestling with this. That night when I rocked her I brought it back up again and we talked about some things she likes to do that we could do more of (cooking and reading books - but she doesn't read English yet). I made a mental note to try to do some "older" girl things with her but in the midst of life I didn't plan specific things out for her.

But, God did.

Last Monday I spontaneously decided to go running shortly after 5:00p because Jason got home early. God gave me the idea to ask Claire to ride her bike alongside me. She LOVED it! The next day while I was doing Zoe's hair and the boys were playing on the kitchen floor, I asked Claire if she wanted to make salsa and she lit up. She needed a little of my help with the food processor, but otherwise made it all, washed all the dishes for it and put them away. I could tell she was so happy and in her element. Another day last week I asked her to help get the boy's snacks while I was working on Zoe's hair and she loved helping in that way.  All of these things allowed her to do somethings separate from the other kids, but still under my authority.

My CA friend told me that as attachment happens, the kids' maturity/emotional levels start to increase. It is so awesome to see that happening with Claire. One more sign that Jesus is attaching her heart to mine.

Thank you, Lord!