November 26, 2011

It has been a good few days. I took a little break from blogging by watching a movie Thursday night and hanging out with the Wheelers last night. Yay! Thanksgiving day was good. It was so nice out so we spent a lot of time outside. The kids did well with Mom and Ed here for lunch. They were MUCH quieter than normal and one of the kids freaked out a little after lunch because they were here, but all-in-all I would say it was pretty “successful.” And, we didn’t even have rice (I was planning to make it but forgot. Good thing they loved the rolls I made).

I have mentioned that we are keeping to ourselves and away from even close family for a lot longer than expected. And the few, short times we we are around family, we have let them know their interactions with the kids need to look a lot different than normal. Here is the email that I sent to my mom and sister this past week:

I have mentioned that I would tell you more info about interacting with our kids. This is going to be hard to hear – and hard to do . . . it is hard for me to have to ask you to do. BUT, it is what will allow us, and you, to have good, healthy relationships with the kids in year from now.

Based on advice we got, it will be best if you don't give the kids hugs or even act excited/happy to see them. Just be pretty aloof with them, not giving them the time of day (so to speak). I know it sounds crazy. And I told you it would be hard to hear.

They need to attach to us and it is going to take awhile (1-2 years because of their older age). If they get warm, happy faces and hugs from you guys it will confuse them about who their primary attachment should be to. Should they attach to you, who every time they see you, you are warm and happy? Or to us, who a lot of times have to put structure/discipline in place (along with the warm/happy connecting)? It might be more fun to attach to you (in their minds). Not only that, but they will likely want to attach to you - and not us in the near future - because you are more "safe" (in their minds) . . . attaching to you would allow them the benefits of attachment without the responsibility of having to learn to trust you for their needs to be met. We are parenting them in a way that they need to trust us and that is going to get harder for them at some point before it gets better (if not, wonderful, but we are expecting it to get harder before it gets better).

I know you have a bunch of love and desire for relationship with them inside of you - and I'm very thankful for that. But the more you can use that love and desire to help point them to connect with us (and not you) and help us connect with them (as you are doing by helping in tons of ways), it will help us get to the end result - attachment to us - quicker. And keep in mind it is only a season. Once this season is over (probably a year, which I don't like hearing anymore than you do, I'm sure) and they are attached and trusting us, you will be free to 100% have a relationship with them.

This whole thing is probably one of the hardest parts of this new life for me because it is so totally not what we were expecting (or even thinking about).

Thanks for trying to understand. Love you both!
Jen

Mom did a great job of being here on Thanksgiving, but being very low key and not interacting with the kids much. And it didn’t seem awkward, which is good, too. Way to go Mom!

The last few days I have continued to process some issues in my heart. I think dealing with the difference of adopting “older” kids vs. “a lot older” kids was part of it (as I talked about in one of my last posts). But, there was more to it. I think I would be having a hard time even if the girls were 7 & 8 (the ages we thought they would be). Here is the ugly, honest truth of my heart: I was jealous of those who adopted or are adopting younger kids. I was jealous of all of the warm, fuzzy feelings that go along with adopting adorable little orphans (not that I don’t think my daughters are cute…in fact, I think they are incredibly beautiful…but I think you get the picture). Yes, families adopting cute little kids have to go through very hard times but those hard times are countered – to some degree – by how cute and adorable the kid(s) are because of their age (much like it is with a newborn baby). For example, in the grocery store, people don’t look at me like, “oh, look how cute those kids are.” No, they look at me like, “why on earth is your 9 year old daughter riding in your cart?!” (I’m over it now, but this was really bothering me last week.)

The truth is that I am a selfish, rotten sinner and my heart is wicked. I have been mad at God because His plan for my life included an adoption of older kids without the warm, fuzzy feelings. (Yes, Isaiah is cute and cuddly, but that gets overshadowed by the challenges of the girls a lot of the time.) And I'm a feeler, darn it. I want the warm, fuzzy feelings!

So, when I went running on Thanksgiving, I was able to think through why I so desperately wanted the warm, fuzzy feelings. God helped me see what I am really longing for is REDEMPTION. But, I want it now, on my terms, in the form of warm, fuzzy feelings – to make the challenges of my new daily life FEEL better. And God wants to teach me to wait for His redemption of our children’s lives. And this will most likely come in His way . . . the way of the cross – which means death to myself.

Jason wisely said that even though there is hope after death, the process of dying is still painful and hard. So, I am learning to die. Learning to pick up my cross daily and follow Christ in His death. These verses came to mind while I was still running:

“Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it. What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit their very self?” (Luke 9:23-24)

I hate that it takes no time at all to fall back into seeing life from my own, selfish, tainted perspective. I so desperately need God’s grace to see from His perspective – to see that He is giving me the privilege of learning to love four children like Jesus loves. He is giving me the privilege of getting to be part of His story of redemption and glory in the lives of three orphans. And there is a lot of ME that needs to DIE in order for that to happen. I’m thankful God helped me process through all of that and come out with a much more peaceful, thankful heart. He is faithful!

Yesterday Jason took the boys to run some errands and when he came back, he handed me the book, “Kisses from Katie.” He went and bought me that book because he thought it would help me endure during this time of life. What a great husband! I have mentioned Katie’s blog before on my blog. Her life is incredibly inspiring and she recently wrote a book about it. And just a few pages in, it is definitely a great book for me to read right now. It is helping me see more from God’s perspective and less from my own.

Until yesterday I had zero plans of decorating or doing much of anything for Christmas this year. But, the girls have been asking a lot about “pen-o-wen” (whatever that is) and since we had three more days of the Thanksgiving break with not much to do but stay home, we decided yesterday, why not decorate for Christmas! While Jason took the girls on an errand yesterday during nap time, I got out the Christmas decorations and put them on the kitchen table for them to see when they got home. I was almost giddy getting to do this. I loved it! We also decided to go get a real tree since it was something fun we could do as a family. When we told the girls in the afternoon we were going to get one, Zoe starting singing, “Christmas tree, Christmas tree” over and over while dancing a little jig in the kitchen. They were excited! I have thoroughly loved decorating for Christmas. I’ll have to post a picture of the tree. I let them decorate it themselves and it is loaded (I constrained myself to only move a few ornaments)!

Thankful reason #5 for adopting older kids: Having fun and making memories decorating for Christmas together. I have been reliving my childhood days of decorating for Christmas with my mom and sister. Those are some of my favorite memories.

I did quite a bit of baking yesterday (another batch of sweet potato rolls because the girls LOVED them, banana muffins and granola). Jason and I have recently been talking about how – although there are a lot of challenges of this new life - we both are enjoying the simplicity of it. Like getting to bake a lot because I am HOME. Decorating for Christmas because we are HOME. Making applesauce with the girls the other afternoon because we are HOME. Going to the park with the kids everyday because we don’t’ have anywhere else to go. In my former life, I would run to Target or anywhere else whenever I wanted to and I thought I would miss that. But, surprisingly I don’t (at least so far). Besides Jason going to work, we don’t have to hurry anywhere. And having lots and lots of family meals together has been so wonderful and provided great times of bonding.

This morning I ran some errands by myself (yay!). On my way home, Jason called to tell me that Abram fell and cut his head pretty badly. Of course he did. We couldn’t go another month without an Abram injury around here! Jason took him to the doctor to make sure it didn’t need stitches and he didn’t, thankfully. In other Abram news, he finally chewed his gum for a couple hours or so without swallowing it – which is a big accomplishment. Both of these things made me want to call Abram’s Tia Leti in Texas. Abram and I left a message and she called back a little later. Abram talked to her for one of the first times. He told her that he “bonked his head.” It was so wonderful to talk to her and it leaves me with a mix of emotions knowing Abram has a wonderful birth family in Texas who we can talk to and our other kids . . . we will have no connection with them this side of heaven. I am okay with that but I know this will be a reality we will all have to work through in the future.

Having Jason home for three days in a row has been a dream for me. And still, one more day to go. Instead of dreading Monday coming, I’m trying to look forward to approaching it with the new perspective God has given me.

I'll finish with a funny glimpse into our world: One of Zoe’s earrings had been hurting her ear sometime over a week ago. So, I took it out and put peroxide on it for a couple days. But, she didn’t take the other earring out and as of today (way over a week later), she still is wearing just one dangly earring! It is little details like this that just don’t even make it onto my radar these days (especially since we don’t really go anywhere). As Jason was reading the Bible to the kids tonight I was sitting still long enough to look at her and I thought, we have got to take care of that (hopefully before church tomorrow)!

Well, this is long enough. I have been writing it a little at a time over the past few days. Looking forward to going to church tomorrow.