Eye Contact

There are a bunch of things we need to start implementing from "When Love is Not Enough," but we are holding off until Jason can finish the book and we can move forward with a unified effort. Until then, my number one main goal each day with my kids right now is EYE CONTACT.

I'm learning from Nancy Thomas just how important eye contact is for kids who are not yet attached or trusting. This applies to any child who has just been adopted, not just a child who you later realize is dealing with attachment issues. In fact, this is one thing I wish I would have known before our kids came home so I could have started it from day one. None of our kids would/could look us in the eyes, which I was not surprised by. But, I let that be the norm for the first four months, thinking that they would look at us when they were ready or able to. NOT SO!

Here is what I'm learning about how important eye contact is:


'Eye contact' is not just looking at your child. It is the reaching into their soul with your eyes - rested, loving, powerful eyes that say to your child, 'You're okay. You have me...' This telegraphs into the child's mind as, 'I'm okay.' You will reinforce this message to your child over and over, throughout the day, throughout life.


Eye contact is POWERFUL - even very brief eye contact. Eye contact is an expression of love as well as a weapon. You must be very conscious of how you are using eye contact. Keep it soft and loving. One brief look of daggers from your eyes can undo weeks of work.


If you are tired, exhausted, or angry and look into your child's eyes, the message you send is 'What am I going to do with you?' Your child will think, 'Mom doesn't know what she is doing. I have the power.'

The last statement helps explain why the number one step in Nancy Thomas's book is for parents to take care of themselves and be well rested!

This morning I had all the kids downstairs playing as I was working on some laundry. Our basement is unfinished with just framing up between the rooms. I was standing in the laundry room behind the counter and Zoe and I started playing "store." She would come to the "window" and ask me for things to buy and I would go find something to pretend with. We did this for a long time and it was such a great way to have tons of smiling eye contact and positive interaction in one chunk of time (with four kids that is not always possible). I didn't think up this game or make a plan to do it. This was totally God coming through for me, people! I have been crying out for God to help me make the most of opportunities to show nurture to my kids because without nurture there is no trust, without trust there is no attachment and without attachment there is no healing.  I'm starting at the beginning, praying for opportunities for lots and lots of nurture with the kids.

Then we went to the park before lunch. Isaiah asked for lots of under-doggies on the swing. Each time after I pushed and ran under him, I turned around and gazed into his eyes as long as he would let me. Another awesome opportunity for good chunks of eye contact. God is so faithful!

Meals and snack time are the set times that I especially work on eye contact. I don't always get a lot of it (yet), but I am training myself to be available for eye contact (even with Abram) as much as possible. Incorporating the provision of good food, along with eye contact is a powerful combination for attachment.

Lastly, Nancy Thomas reiterates something about eye contact several times throughout her book:

Every minute you spend looking lovingly into your child's eyes will save you about an hour of pain when they're teenagers.

Now that is good advice for any parent!