If you were on Facebook yesterday, you know a little about our day yesterday. It was definitely the hardest day since the kids came home and possibly the hardest day of my life to this point.
I can't give the details, but I had to call Jason to come home ASAP from Des Moines in the morning and at one point I texted him to drive faster. It was an ENORMOUS spiritual (not to mention emotional, physical and mental) battle for about 3.5 hours with one of our daughters. It was traumatic for me, left me exhausted and with knots in my stomach, and I'm still recovering.
The good news is that I understand what was going on, for the most part.
I'm learning A LOT from a new book called, "When Love is Not Enough" (Thomas), a book about parenting kids with attachment problems (yes, that includes one, if not both our daughters . . . I am working on a blog post with more on that and the book). Here are some of the factors, from my perspective, that contributed to the event and aftermath of yesterday:
"At the core of the unattached is a deep-seated rage, far beyond normal anger . . . born of unfulfilled needs as infants. Incomprehensible pain is forever locked in their souls, because of the abandonment they felt as infants."
"In response to neglect or abuse, they came to believe that they are bad, unlovable people who don’t deserve our tender, loving care." (From an article and blog post I did a few weeks ago.) Dr. Karyn Purvis says that most kids from hard places have a shame-core the size of Texas.
Lastly, based on "When Love is Not Enough," I have been increasing my level of "being in charge" with the girls (which naturally decreases their control) and increasing nurture with them. I have been giving them tons more loving eye contact (when we are eating at the table and otherwise), many more hugs and the big one is that Tuesday night I rocked each of them, while they sucked on a carmel. (More on that in an upcoming post.)
Chances are my daughter started to think (after more nurture and especially the rocking with sugar the night before), "that feels good" but quickly realized, "ah-oh! If I let in these good feelings of closeness with my mom, I will lose her" (because her past has taught her that's what happens). That, along with having an incredibly negative view of herself and realizing she was losing some control created a perfect storm.
Not to mention that everything that happened was straight from the pit of hell. Jason commented a number of times about how EVERY step and aspect of adoption is war. Satan HATES orphans being placed in families and will do anything to destroy that from happening. "Adoption is not charity, it is war." (author unknown)
Because I understand what is going on from the reading I've done - and from my CA friend's help, I know what happened is somewhat "typical" given our daughter's history (sure didn't look or feel "typical"!). If God had not prepared us the way He did, we would be sitting in shambles today, questioning how we would go on as a family. I'm incredibly grateful for God's grace in preparing us the way He has.
So, if you are planning to adopt, can I just say this (not that I haven't said it in the past!):
Read. Prepare. Learn about what is going on inside the heads and hearts of kids from hard places. Understand what you are getting into. All the extreme, scary stuff might not end up applying to you (especially if you are adopting younger kids). But, it might happen. And you will be so thankful you are not trying to figure out what just happened in the midst of a traumatic event.
I'm thankful to be able to report that our daughter is doing great today (and was doing great yesterday after the hard stuff ended). But, the fight for spiritual freedom for her soul, the fight for her being able to trust me and the fight for her attachment to me (all part of the same battle) are long from over. Please pray that God would do this work in her heart and that He will give us abundant wisdom to do our part.
This morning we were listening to the Esmerelda CD (like we often do) and my daughter was just singing along (like she always does). Here is what she was singing: "God hears the broken. God hears the cry of their heart. Sorrow and suffering, He sees. He sees me." I wanted to fall on the floor and sob. As she sang, I begged God to make those truths realities in her heart. How I long for her to know that He SEES her and all of her sorrow and suffering.
Isaiah 61:1-3 sums it up pretty well.
1 The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,
2 to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.
We trust God to do this work and look forward to the day that our daughter displays HIS SPLENDOR.
Oh, Lord Jesus, please let it be!
2 comments:
We are praying for your family! I am so thankful Jason was able to come home to help.
I would encourage parents adopting any child of any age to have a broad perspective on the challenges of babies/children from hard places.
There's no security that adopting a younger child won't have RAD.
The unattached child's disconnect comes from unfulfilled needs as infants. A huge unfulfilled needs these babies have is to hear the primal voice again - the one they heard in the womb for 9 months.
For all orphans, this is indescribable loss.
Too bad we can't meet up for a book club! I look forward to your future posts on what you are learning from "When Love is Not Enough".
hugs.
Sooo many prayers for your guys!
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