I wrote most of this post this past Thursday . . .
As I continue to get to know my kids each more deeply, I am growing to know the more specific issues their little souls are up against. I have become very aware that Isaiah is incredibly insecure. Insecure like I have never seen insecure before. He has no idea how to be his own person. He does what everyone else does most of the time. If Abram is done eating, he eating (and he eats really slowly so I know he is not full) for one example. If the girls ask for something, he asks for the same thing. It is maddening and to be perfectly honest, made me not like him very much the first part of the week (which is definitely my problem, not his!).
I don't know how you help an insecure child become confident. But I can only assume it is with a ton of love, nurture, patience, praise and encouragement. But, something about his behavior pushed my buttons and caused me to respond in ways exactly opposite of what he needed the most earlier in the week. So, I have repented and humbled myself and asked God to help me love this sweet boy the way he needs to be loved. I cannot do this, but Jesus can. The last two days have been better - now that I am relying more on Jesus to give me the love and patience I need with Isaiah. I am so thankful for grace.
I am also thinking that his insecurity is actually a positive step in the right direction - growth away from the passive, compliant boy I saw a few weeks ago. So, that has helped my perspective, too. Yesterday when I laid him down for his nap with a happy/content/submissive heart towards nap time and realized he has been going down for his naps like this for way over a week - I was so encouraged. Before, at the mention of naptime he would start his little whine/cry and take a long time to get settled down. Now, when I say it is nap time he says, "okay mom." Hallelujah! He goes to bed at night SO MUCH BETTER most nights recently, too. Last night I was remembering the tedious, maddening efforts it took to get him to lay down and go to sleep, not to mention the devastating look on his face for the first two months. Praise God for the way He is working in Isaiah's life. Sadly, I sometimes don't look forward to spending the 15+ minutes each night to give him milk, hold him close, snuggle him and sing with him . . . but I can look back and know that this has had a tremendous impact on his felt safety at bedtime. He knows he can count on us to be here when he wakes up. I am thankful to be able to see progress like this. It helps me persevere with other hurdles I am facing . . .
Like Abram. Oh, my little monkey is really struggling this week. My only guess is that he has realized this little African party is here to stay. I'm seeing several behaviors that I saw the first two weeks - lots of hitting/kicking/pushing Isaiah and boatloads of whining. I think he wants/needs more attention. So, I have been more intentional about seeking him out to chase him around and wrestle with him (which he loves), as well as reading even more books with him and Isaiah. We are also going to start giving him milk before bed like Isaiah because he asks every night, "what you doing with Isaiah?" when I am about to go give Isaiah milk. I think he has become jealous of some of the special attachment things we do with Isaiah (which is understandable). I keep reminding myself he is going through a phase and that it will pass, even though it is hard to believe that at times.
A cool think happened with Zoe Tuesday night. I remember the night because it was a rough day and Jason went to bed at 7:30p. Rough day/evening for him, too. I went in to give the girls hugs in their room. Zoe was sort of standing up playing with something and when I gave her a hug, she buried her head into me and let me hold her for longer than usual. Since she did that, I sat down on the floor and asked her to sit on my lap, which she readily did. Then, I rocked her, with her head against my chest, for a long time. And she freely let me do it. By the look on her face and her body language, I sensed that she needed it. And it would not surprise me at all - knowing what I know of her past - that even at nearly 10 years old she needs her mama to rock her like a baby. It was a priceless time of bonding. And, it has encouraged me to seek her out to do that more often (which I have been able to do a couple times since last Tuesday).
It is now just after 7p on Sunday night and Jason and I are both feeling quite weary. We just put the boys to bed and are letting the girls play in their room so we can hang out, talk about things (for more than 5 scattered minutes at a time) and make a game plan for the coming week. I am feeling desperate for Jesus and His grace and wisdom to know how to stay on course.
He has come through for us every other time, so I know He will come through again in our time of need.
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