Walking Humbly

Below is a great post entitled, "Walking Humbly," from One Thankful Mom (I have gained a ton of insight on adoption issues from this blog) and was written for Empowered to Connect (a blog/resource I have already highly recommended if you are adopting a child(ren) from "hard places"). I'm so thankful for people, like Lisa who wrote this, who have gone before us and can help people like me prepare and catch at least a glimpse of what is coming our way.

Recently, a friend and I leaned against my kitchen counter, watching our children play in the backyard. As we sipped coffee we chatted about a young couple in our church that is in the process of adopting two children. We reminisced about the time when we were in their shoes, recalling how little we truly knew and understood about the road that lay ahead. My friend and I agreed — we wished we could share all we have learned since that time about adopting children from “hard places.” We wished that someone had done the same for us.

As we talked, I realized that much of what we have learned along the way might be helpful to more than just this couple. They are good lessons and timely reminders for all of us who are on the adoption journey, no matter how far along.

I would encourage my friends to give up their pride and their desire to compare. I thought I was a fairly humble person, but adopting my children has brought me to my knees when it comes to thinking highly of myself and my capabilities as a mother. My oldest daughter was a hard baby and a challenging toddler, but once I got on the ‘Christian Mommy Discipline Train,’ she shaped up pretty well. That doesn’t mean I never had a child misbehave or throw a tantrum in public. I won’t even mention the time that four-year-old Noah pulled the fire alarm at church and the congregation had to evacuate the building. There were embarrassing moments to be sure. But this…this kind of parenting brings a different sort of humility.

In my first 20 years of being a mother, before adopting, I was never so stumped or so completely empty of wisdom as I have been at times in trying to be a good parent to the children we have welcomed into our lives through adoption. I never read so many books, pored over so many websites, or called so many experts in search of help. I never took my child to a therapist or felt that I might need one myself. I never called my husband home from work because a child was so distressed or out-of-control that I couldn’t keep everyone safe—and not just once, but many times. And as someone who was a passionate homeschooler, I never had to seek out alternatives to homeschooling because it wasn’t working. I never thought about acronyms such as IEP, RAD, or PTSD. I never sent an email to my friends telling them I couldn’t manage the summer on my own, and asking if they would be willing to help. Based on my years of experience as a successful parent, I thought I had it all figured out, only to find out that as we began the adoption journey I was, in many ways, completely starting over.

But I quickly learned that there were many other things I did not know from my previous years as a mother. I didn’t know the indescribable joy of watching a child fall in love with me. I didn’t know the beauty of holding a child in my arms and fiercely loving her even though I had only met her weeks before. I didn’t know the agony of waiting for a child who was 8,000 miles away, or seeing her turn her face to me for the first time and come into my arms. I didn’t know the hope I would feel when I saw sad and tender tears on my child’s face for the first time, after months of anger and frustration. I didn’t know how incredible it would feel to hear my child say, “I love you, Mommy. You are the best Mom!” when I knew this was truly a revelation to her.

To those who are considering adopting a child from a “hard place” as well as those who are already traveling this journey toward healing, I say: be ready to lay down your pride and abandon yourself to love. It will be different than you think—better in some ways and much harder in others. Find a few people you can trust, friends you can call at any hour, friends who will understand and love your children even when they seem unlovable. Don’t pressure your child to become like your other children who have been raised with loving guidance and discipline since birth. And do not, under any circumstances, compare your newly adopted child with your friends’ children. You will live to regret it. Rather, give your child time and permission to heal, and become a committed and active participant in that healing. It won’t be easy nor is it likely to come quickly. This healing will take a great deal of your time, energy, and finances…but give it all away for your child’s sake.

I have come to learn that it is precisely this kind of adoption journey – a journey of humility, selflessness and sacrificial love – that God called us to when He called us to adopt. I suppose Eby’s vacation Bible school verse says it best:

"He has shown you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you? But to do justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God." — Micah 6:8

Amen.

~Lisa

Domestic Adoption: Orphan or Not?

I follow a blog of a family with adopted and biological kids called Joining the Journey. I thought a recent post I read by the mother should be repeated. Here it is:

Right from the beginning, I am going to give the disclaimer that I am not an expert on this subject. The past few weeks I have had quite a few emails regarding domestic adoptions. I am VERY PASSIONATE about these babies and their birthmothers. Abortion is RAMPANT here in the US. It is an easy "out," for some women but for some, is their only option (so they think). African American children are the last children to be adopted. With both of our domestic adoptions, we were our birthmothers only options.

I have journeyed through two domestic adoptions. They were both TOTALLY different. (kinda like pregnancies, no two are alike) I have had positive responses like "I am so glad that you have children from the US, we have so many kids over here that need families and everybody keeps going overseas!!" Then there are negative responses like " are these children REALLY orphans? I mean, they have a mother, they are not sitting in an orphanage with no one to love them...they are in America, they are not going to starve to death, and not receive the medical care that is needed."

I've been walking with a friend through a domestic adoption. The social worker calls and says "we would like to show your profile to a birth mom.....here is her story..." Then, YOU decide if you want your profile to be shown....the struggle starts. Do we show it? Are we open to STD's? marijuana? cigarettes? alcohol? and the list goes on....and then you start feeling like you are "playing God." we WILL do this, we WON'T do that, we are open to this.....The grandparents start sharing about how they are concerned about the heartache that the adoption will bring. They ask: "What about the birthparents medical history? what if they have had mental illness?"

Well, if you do an international adoption...do you know any of those details? NO! But for some reason, it is safer in people's minds. [Jen's note: this has not been my experience.] Perhaps what you don't know won't hurt you? How do you "classify" an orphan? The definitions of the word orphan vary from 1)a child who has lost both parents 2)someone who lacks care, or support or supervision 3) a fatherless child.

At the end of the day, in domestic adoption, there is a single woman (typically) who cannot care for her child. IT IS A TRAGEDY. Regardless of your circumstances, there is not ONE single part of a mother's heart that wants to hand the child that she has been carrying for nine months to someone else to love. Often, after laboring and delivering these babies, these girls feel a love for these babies that they HAVE NEVER KNOWN or FELT in their entire lives, just to do the most sacrificial act, give them away, so that they can have a better life than they could ever offer. Even the children that are created from the act of rape. After carrying these babies for nine months, the mothers have so much love for them.

I have a whole new perspective of these ladies that make an adoption plan after walking through the process alongside them. I pray for all three of my children's birth mom's EACH AND EVERY day and I thank my sweet Jesus for those women. I will never forget the first time that I was handed Joshua and the mom walked away. I literally fell in a slump over him and wept until I could hardly breathe. I felt as though my heart had been plucked straight from my chest. My heart THROBBED on her behalf. It was THE MOST life changing moment of my life and I have NEVER been the same since....

If there wasn't domestic adoption, we would have to have orphanages in the US. We would be so overwhelmed in our foster systems. If there wasn't this option for many of these mothers, we would find many more children left in dumpsters or they would try to parent them and who knows what the the future of these children would be. Abortion would be even MORE rampant. So, I am asked regularly "where is the largest need?" Hhhhhmmm...everywhere, there are hundreds of millions of needs.

Do we really think that our sweet Savior is sitting on his throne picking and choosing which child we should love because one is more in need than the other? Do we really think that if we bring a child into our home through domestic OR international that one might be where we are NOT "called" and if we bring one home from the wrong place that we will not be in His will and be sinning against Him? Sometimes I think that He just sits up there on that throne and just shakes his head thinking "THEY ARE MISSING IT!!!!" I just want you to love each other. It is so simple....LOVE ONE ANOTHER. We spend so much time thinking about WHAT we should do, instead of actually putting it to action.

I have done domestic adoption and international adoption. I would choose them BOTH again, again, and again. I would choose an HIV+ child again , again, and again.

Oh the Roller Coaster of Adoption

Two weeks ago, it was as if Jason and I got in a little roller coaster car. Only I think we forgot to put our seat belts on! We had quite the ride of highs and lows.

The week started with the two new pictures of our girls that my last blog post was about. Those pictures helped me take a few more steps down the road of loving these girls like my own (it is definitely a process . . . more on that later). In my last blog post I mentioned that we thought our 5 1/2 year old looked older than that. Sometime on Tuesday we learned that she is not 5 1/2, but 7 years old. SEVEN. We thought we wanted 3 and 4 year old girls. Then we thought we were adopting 5 1/2 and 6 year old girls. We are now adopting 6 and 7 year old girls. Welcome to the world of adoption!

Seeing 7 years old was a shock initally, but I am really okay with it. By now these are our girls, so it doesn't matter how old they are or what illnesses they might have, etc. (they both received good reports of health by the way).

On Wednesday night, out-of-the-blue, I had the first-ever panic attack of my life. I didn't know what was going on at the time, but it was terribly frightening. I now know it was a gigantic arrow from the evil one.

On Friday I reached the end of my rope regarding an issue that is holding up our home study. About three weeks ago we learned that in addition to the background check I already had processed and received from Thailand, I now may also need a child abuse registry check from Thailand. (Why we were not informed to have this done along with the background check remains to be learned and is very frustrating). Today - a week and a half later - there is still no resolution on the matter. I'll spare you the details. But, it has been incredibly frustrating to say the least.

A few weeks ago I remember quoting myself saying, "God knows exactly when our kids are coming home and nothing that happens during the paperwork of adoption will change that." Those words were easy to say four weeks ago. They have been very difficult to believe the past two weeks. But, I am trusting that God can take care of my Thailand issue in 10 seconds from now if He wanted. We are waiting on Him.

On Saturday our little roller coaster ride climbed to new heights. First, in the morning we received some detailed information about our girls' history. We were not expecting to get any information like this so we were very surprised. The information is a priceless treasure. While it is heartbreaking to read, knowing more specific details about their abandonment, how long they have been in the orphanage, school, etc. REALLY helped this whole thing to feel more real and it helped us feel more connected to the girls. I won't say much about their history, but I will say that they were definitely old enough to remember their abandonment and that has been very heavy on my heart lately. Oh, the pain they must feel. We also learned that they have been in school for the past few years, which is encouraging.

One of our girls said (to our agency's social worker) that she knows she has a family in the US and she wants to join them soon. How SWEET is that??!!

Knowing that we are now going to have six and seven year old girls now, Jason and I talked a lot that Saturday morning/afternoon on a drive to Pella and back about what age of little boy we should ask for. Should we specifically ask for an infant, a boy Abram's age or let God just give us what He is going to give us? Sometimes this whole "getting to decide the age-thing" is overwhelming. We originally said between 0-2, but we also weren't expecting to have to homeschool two girls so soon. We didn't really come to a conclusion during our drive.

When we got home from Pella there was an email in my inbox with a picture of a two year old boy, saying he was available for adoption and would we like to adopt him. It was as if God said, "Here you go. I'll make this easy for you. Here is your boy!" He is now our boy and we are naming him Isaiah. He has big, beautiful eyes like his brother, Abram. God has been so faithful every step of the way to show us His direction.

Saturday night, however, the roller coaster ride took another dive. All of a sudden (AGAIN) Jason couldn't see out of part of his right eye. Again it was quite frightening for both of us. We called an eye doctor, Jason did some exercises and it seems to get better. Another arrow from the enemy.

That Saturday night it became clear that the enemy of our faith is out to get us. He is not happy that God is rescuing three orphans through the Lee family. At that point I was absolutely and completely emotionally wiped out. The week's overwhelming highs and lows and frustrations had did me in. I had to just go to bed. I couldn't function.

I'm so thankful God's mercy is new every morning.

I share all of this to keep our adoption journey real. I have heard other adoptive families talk about the spiritual warfare that begins to take place when they start to adopt and I guess we are now experiencing it for ourselves. By the grace of God we will continue to press on to bring these orphans home to their forever family. We are weak and cannot do it, but Jesus can. We are relying on Him.