November 2nd

November 2, 2011

Whew! What a day. It was a much harder day, but still many blessings. Things got really interesting by 7:30a. I made oatmeal for breakfast. We have had it before and the kids ate it. Zahra ate the first bowl, but both the girls’ attitudes were not so great. Zoe got up from the table (not terribly uncommon), but went to the front door and was trying to get out . . . three times. I thought, “oh boy, here we go!” Zahra asked for more oatmeal, but when I got back to the table with Zoe (for the 3^rd time), Zahra was standing up, handed her spoon to Zoe and went to her room. She hasn’t done that yet, so I knew something was up. Of course both girls were talking to each other, but we had no clue what was going on. I went in their room (Zoe followed) and looked at Zahra. She was so downcast. I know the word for egg so I asked if she wanted eggs and I saw the sparkle in her eyes that she did. She came back to the kitchen and she and Zoe got to work cooking. And then they were much more content and joyful. Zahra made scrambled eggs all by herself and Zoe found the bread and put it in the toaster. Zoe also got the peanut butter. They were happy girls and I was reminded about another principle from Dr. Purvis. Give kids from hard places CHOICES (only 2 or it will be too overwhelming). When you give a child a choice, it gives them shared power (does not fit in mainline Christian parenting principles, trust me, I was skeptical at first), which empowers them to feel confident and helps them trust you. I’m realizing this principle is even way more important with older kids. When I just make food for them to eat without their input, they probably feel like babies. So from now on, I will give them a choice (eggs or oatmeal for breakfast). Without this info, we would have thought we needed to make the girls eat their oatmeal. But this would have made them even more upset, sent them further in a downward spiral and caused us to not be connected to them, creating further episodes during the day. IT IS ALL ABOUT CONNECTION!! (Hence, “The Connected Child”) There are many battles to fight and while we would eventually like them to eat whatever we give them, that is not the most important thing right now. The most important things is that we build trust with them.

Since I gave them more freedom in the kitchen last night, they were wanting to do more and more by themselves today. I think Jason and I both felt like we were losing control this morning, but I finally figured out how to tell them to ask for something before they just took it (bread from the freezer, a banana, etc.) This helped a lot. But they asked A LOT and I said yes A LOT (every time but once, I think). From on onlookers standpoint – and even in my head at times – it seems as if you are just giving into their every desire. But, this is where we have to keep in mind where they have come from and the reality that we are working on making up way over 200,000 YESES that God created children to get from their parents in just the first two years of life. So, if it means we have to say yes to them making eggs in TONS of oil THREE TIMES for lunch because they wanted that or if it means letting Isaiah have whatever he had so he doesn’t whine (many, many times a day), then we will do it. A big part of being so lenient right now has to do with not being able to communicate with the older two. We can’t explain why or why not or always let them know what two choices they have. Once we have more language and just as important (if not more), more TRUST, we can fight other battles. We can’t think in terms of what is the right behavior we want from them and to expect that behavior now. This is probably the biggest different in parenting kids from hard places. We have to always think, how can we respond in a way that keeps us connected to our kids and builds trust with them. It is challenging (and looks like CHAOS often!), but God is being so faithful to provide wisdom.

Poor Zahra was bored a lot of the time today. And I think she asked me about school two more times today. I don’t know how to explain it and am waiting on a call back from the woman in Ames who speaks lingala to help explain that we are doing school at home. I was not expecting to start school for many months, but I also wasn’t expecting Zahra to be 11 years old or so. So I need to work on that. She was having a hard time this afternoon because there were a few things she was trying to tell me that I simply could not understand and she was bored. I was feeling the connection waning big time in the later afternoon. But, at dinner, somehow Jason and I started picking up on a few Lingala words and repeating them and pretty soon we were ALL laughing a lot. PRAISE GOD! I was so thankful.

This morning for the first time, Isaiah said, “Isaiah Lee,” referring to himself. It was SO CUTE! They gave him the name “Lee” in the foster home since it was our last name. So even now the girls call him, “Lee.” No nap for the little man today. I didn’t even try for various reasons. Isaiah and I were in the girls room while they were playing with the hair on their dolls. Isaiah started spraying the spray on his hands and putting it on my hair with his hands. I loved this – it another great sign of his beginning to trust me. After dinner (and all our laughing), I put Isaiah on my shoulders and ran around, while Jason was running around with the girls. CRAZY, but so fun for everyone. Isaiah loved being on my shoulders and after awhile leaned over and kissed me on the cheek and REPEATED TO KISS ME ON THE CHEEK AND PUT HIS CHEEK AGAINST MINE SEVERAL TIMES. He is such a little lover (when he is not whining that is!) and I love it. Last night he had a terrible time going down, but I decided to give him milk in a sippy cup, holding him like a baby and remembered this was a key principle I read about early on. It is one of the best things (especially looking in his eyes as you feed him, just like an infant) you can do with a younger child to promote bonding. So, I plan to do that everynight. Tonight it worked like a charm and he went right to sleep in my arms.

I jokingly thought today that maybe we should raise chickens for their eggs. We are going through about a dozen a day right now. And the peanut butter is going fast, too!

Lastly for tonight I realized that being able to write out my thoughts at night or throughout the day is my one way of maintaining some sense of control in my life. Everything else is WAY out of control. But being able to download my thoughts is helping me stay sane. I always wanted to blog about all that I read about and learned in preparing for this adoption, but it never happened. I learned so much and it felt overwhelming to know where to start to share it with others. So, this is also fulfilling that desire I have had for a long time. God has provided such great tools to those of us adopting at this point in time. I don’t know where we would be without them.

November 1st in Pictures

The only reason I am even doing this blog post of pictures tonight is because I can't sleep. I should be sleeping and wish I could! So, I downloaded the 200 pictures from my camera, most of which the girls took (and were of nothing so deleted) and posted the ones from today.

Except this first one is from yesterday, but it was too good to pass up.

The hammock is a huge hit, whether it is all of them . . .
Or just the girls, singing and talking.
The beginning of the cooking adventure.
The boys playing while dinner is cooking.
My little drummer boy!

LOVE IT!

Singing his heart out!!

Oh my goodness how I love to cuddle and squeeze that boy!

Zoe checking on things.

Check out the spices!
I couldn't get this one flipped, but is important because Zahra insisted on serving the rice to us, since she made it. So cool! While our helping meet their needs is important for bonding, the girls serving us and our family is awesome for bonding, too (and definitely not something I ever thought would be happening on day four.)

Isaiah looks scared but he L.O.V.E.S the bathtub. Not sure what was happening here!

A monkey and a frog. This is a picture I have been dreaming of in my head for a few weeks. Abram loves his monkey towel and always comes find me wherever I am in the house with his monkey towel after his bath. We got Isaiah a frog towel to go with the monkey.
There were certainly challenges, difficult things and a definite bad decision on my part today . . . but so the journey goes. Clearly, lots of blessings. God is faithful!

November 1st

I decided to write things throughout the day in word document to journal some of the hundreds of thoughts that roll through my head hourly. I want to remember what God did during these days. And, it is good therapy for me. :) My thoughts are random and not always coherent or in good order, but I'll share them anyway!

November 1, 2011

The Scotts came today and the girls wanted nothing to do with Owen. L I am not terribly surprised – I knew this was a possibility. Fortunately, Owen wasn't too thrown off. The kids are not doing well with visitors at all. A few people came today to drop things off to us or stop by (while in their car) to say hi and they did fine with that, but when people come in the house to visit for a little while, the girls go to another room and Isaiah sits on my lap with listless look on his face.

Little Isaiah wanted nothing to do with me holding him and rocking (make that bouncing) him to sleep for his nap. But I knew he was tired. He scratches the back of his head incessantly when he is tired. Poor little guy cried a lot longer than yesterday. But, he did finally fall asleep. I have found the secret is to rub his face downward over his eyes and then when he is in the in between not sleep and sleep rub under his eye with one finger. It is sweet to learn how to love him. Everytime I lay him in his bed and look at him in the face while I have my arm on him (to make sure he stays asleep after putting him in bed), I can’t help but think of the sweet woman in Congo who carried him in her womb for 9 months, delivered him, loved him and then had to say goodbye for whatever the devastating reason. If she is alive, I know she still loves him and thinks about him and my heart breaks for her.

I haven’t mentioned this yet and I don’t want to forget it. As we were leaving the airport in Chicago, I took the kids over to say goodbye to Marie (which made me cry more than anything). She talked to one of the girls first and when she was done she told me, “I told her to never forget that Jesus is the most important.” And I said, “AMEN!” That was a definite highlight. (Our agency is not a 'Christian' agency.)

The kids surprisingly like things very organized (woo-hoo!). The girls re-did each of the drawers with their clothes folded just as they wanted. Zahra especially likes to keep her spaces organized. It is great! Although don’t be fooled – the house is still chaos most of the time. But, it is good chaos. They are very thorough with washing their hands – they wash them better than most kids in America. And when Isaiah dries off his hands or wipes of his hands he has to get every last bit.

In addition to the girls both letting me put lotion on them (which is a great bonding/trust building thing) Zahra let me put Vaseline on her dry lips a couple of times, which is huge to me. So thankful!

Last night I cried when I kissed Abram goodnight in his bed. Because my relationship has changed with him (not bad, just different) and mostly because I am blown away by how well he is doing. However, around 5:00p the last two nights he has said, "I want Grammy come get me."Poor little guy just needs some space from the chaos! He is going to Aunt Kake's house tomorrow afternoon, so that will be good for him.

While the boys napped today (and praise God for 2 napping boys...I did not count on that), we moved Zoe's top bunk to the floor (we figured out she preferred that). We had the girls help us (funny!) and then moved the dresser and nightstand. The girls had a great time putting things where they wanted them to go. And get this . . . they asked me to get down their extra sheets and THEY CHANGED THE SHEETS ON THEIR BED ALL BY THEMSELVES!! They have only slept under their comforters, on the sheets once, maybe twice. It cracked me up, and I loved it - changing sheets is one of my least favorite things to do. And they put their little green table and two chairs right in the middle (barely space for them) of their room. It is so cute!

Tonight was a party in the kitchen. We are getting meals every other night so on the other nights I am making dinner . . . except for tonight. Guess who made dinner? MY TWO GIRLS!! I simply asked Zahra to measure the rice and water in the pan and she basically took it from there. Of course she thought the water was to rinse the rice and when I tried to give her a strainer she refused it because she was using her hands (no strainers in Africa!). It was such a great way to let her keep a tiny bit of her culture. I showed her how to turn the stove and timer on. I also laid out some frozen cooked chicken (from my nesting days). This was the best part. My microwave is not working today because I used the griddle for the first time today at the same time as the microwave and it blew something (flipping the fuse didn’t work). So, I had a pan out to defrost the chicken and I was planning on serving it plain. But, not my girl! She found all my spices and went to town, doctoring up the chicken . . . water, oil, bullion, and a bunch of other spices I didn’t even see. I was just letting her do her thing. Zoe was looking through the freezer so I put her on frozen vegetable duty. She put it all out on a pan, sprinkled the seasoning I use, and then I showed her how to put in the oven. Then, Zoe proceeded to set the table without my asking (having my dishes in an open cabinet, easily accessible to the girls paid off!). Plates, silverware and one cloth napkin (this is our new thing and it is great!). Jason got out the glasses, but then she found a “pitcher” (my big pyrex measuring bowl with a small spout), filled it with ice and water and set it on the table. Meanwhile, Zahra figured out how to ask me for more chicken and she started on round two since she didn’t realize that there was already extra water in the rice when she dumped more water in, so it was taking longer than usual. My girls were totally in their element. And I was absolutely loving it! I was able to get some more dishes done so the post-dinner cleanup wasn’t so much. The second batch of chicken Zahra made was way too spicy. Every single one of us were coughing from just the smell of the red pepper. Zahra felt bad, but we reassured her that is was not a big deal at all and Jason and I each ate some (it was stinkin’ spicy let me tell ya!). Meanwhile, I found Isaiah some drums (bread crumb and cornmeal containers and later an oatmeal container) and I had a little drummer boy on my kitchen floor, drumming and singing away – he has definitely been around some African drummers! At different times, Zoe would chime in with Isaiah’s songs and dance. And the girls were happy as can be cooking away. It was so wonderful. I think it really helped the girls feel more like themselves, doing something they are clearly used to doing, and I also think it built a lot of TRUST . . . I gave them a lot of freedom to cook how they wanted. Yes, we had to throw out some chicken, water was spilled, etc. but it was totally worth it. After dinner Zahra totally took over the dishes. Letting her cook empowered her to feel ownership in the kitchen –YAY! I also gave Zahra the broom and showed Zoe how to move all the chairs so they could sweep. Seriously, if this kitchen business can keep up, it is going to help me A TON.

A good trust-building/fit-reducing thing happened at dinner with Isaiah. He has a big thing for gadgets (watch, phones, and especially the CAMERA). Oh, the camera! If he has the camera and you take it away, he is a complete WRECK and has a hard time transitioning to something else to do without crying/having a fit. I try to keep the camera hidden away, but I also want to take pictures, so it inevitably gets set on the counter or somewhere he can reach. He unfortunately grabbed it right before we sat down to eat. UGH! He only wanted to mess with the camera and not eat. So, I took it from him (but knew it would not be good) and set it on top of the frig. He, of course, threw a fit (which for him is being very sad, making a whiny/crying sound) and I knew he would not eat in his upset state. It seems like a no-win situation, but at that point (God showing up to remind me!), I I remembered a great lesson from Dr. Karyn Purvis about getting creative in giving YESES: I got the camera off the frig and gave it to him, but set it right in his booster seat with him. That way I said, “yes, I hear you that you want the camera and you can trust me to meet your needs (even though this was not a ‘need,’ due to his very fragile state right now, you have to treat it as a need), but it did not interfere with him eating. HALLELUJAH! Thank you Dr. Purvis.

God also came through in a HUGE way today . . . I got to talk to Karen Jennings-Boland, who (with her husband) adopted two girls, ages 7 & 9 from Africa five years ago. I had been praying to find someone to talk to who adopted older girls from Africa who did not speak any English and that was the case for them. Oh, the gift to just get to talk to her. And she had a bunch of super helpful things for me. In all of the reading/research I did for this adoption, I honestly found nothing on how to deal with the language barrier with older kids (which seems strange to me).

Lastly, I remember when we decided to adopt three kids a year and a half ago . . . the only way we knew we could make it is by God showing up for us EVERY SINGLE DAY, providing everything we need to make it through. And I’m here to tell you HE IS SHOWING UP FOR US! I already mentioned a couple ways today (and there are more). But, a big one is the love that is a love growing in my heart for each one of these kids. Let me just be completely honest here – while all of you saw the great pictures of us meeting our kids what you did not see was that I did not feel much love them the first couple days. I am not kidding. I was scared to death, I did not like the way the girls’ hair smelled at all, it was so awkward, it was confusing, it was overwhelming and they did not feel like my kids at all. I had to take Zahra to Target on Sunday to get some shoes that fit her (we had none) and as I was walking in in with her, it felt so strange. In my head, I knew she was my daughter, but it did not feel like it at all. But, I gave my feelings to God and told Him he had to change them. And oh, my word, is He ever! The kids are feeling more and more like my own kids each day and I love them more and more each day. And I can only trust God that He will continue to make that love grow. After all, where does our love come from anyway? We love because he first loved us. 1 John 4:19

So many people say, “I don’t know if I can adopt because I don’t know if I can love an adopted child like my own.” This is a very legitimate feeling and fear when you first are confronted with it. But, it is selfish to not care for orphans just because we think we can’t love them. It is not about us. It is God who gives us love for them. He is faithful!