November 6, 2011

Before breakfast I found Muad sitting on the step stool in the bathroom looking at her Bible. It was really cute.

Shortly after breakfast, however, we had to run after one of the girls who took off down the sidewalk and around the corner. And we had to do that a second time later in the day. We tried to play it cool, like it wasn’t that big of a deal but inside I was freaking out a bit. We went to the park shortly after the first incident and walking home from the park a very important quote from Dr. Purvis popped into my head (thank you Lord!):

“Sad children look mad and scared children look crazy.”

We have one very scared girl in our family. Her behavior would best be described as “crazy.” Yesterday we were reminded of the issue of fear and now that we identified it, I see it all day long. Theraplay explains fear in children with complex trauma this way (and after spending time with our Lingala-speaking friends they gave us some insight that helped us to realize at least one of our girls has experienced a lot of trauma):

“As trauma becomes chronic, the child’s neurophysiology organizes into trauma pathways. The brain becomes “fear-driven . . .” conditioned to fire up and react reflexively at the slightest hint of the past trauma. It becomes overfocused on nonverbal signals of safety or threat. The trigger – a stimulus that generates in the amygdala an implicit body memory of the sensations of the trauma – sets off an unprocessed, right-brain reaction that others perceive as an irrational overreaction . . . The brain is hijacked into an automatic, unconscious reaction to a present stimulus that has some similarity to the original trauma. Survival behavior kicks in and brain signals go to the muscles for fighting or fleeing or, if escape is impossible, for shutting down and freezing.”

As a side note, disconnection = flight, fight or freeze. These are coping mechanisms for not being connected and having to learn to survive on your own. Most kids will have a primary coping mechanism but some will show evidence of all three at times. And even I know that when I feel disconnected from Jason or someone else I am close to, my response is to shut down and freeze . . . so we all do this do a degree . . . I just haven’t had to shutdown to SURVIVE trauma that I experienced.

“Irrational overreaction” (i.e. crazy behavior) is what we see all day long from one of our girls. I know the tool to use to address her fear is to help her feel SAFE (emotional or felt safety) while building trust. Another big piece of helping her feel safe is to allow her feel a sense of control (another thing that sounds “bad” in parenting other kids). Trauma = a lack of control = scared. Giving her choices allows her to feel some sense of control, which reduces anxiety. Already today giving her choices has been very helpful. There were a number of times that she was at the door wanting to get out (not to run away, but just go out for lack of something to do or to possibly to flee a situation that was uncomfortable) and I went to her, looked her in the eyes (we are working on eye contact) and asked, “do you want to play a game or play with your doll?” or “do you want to help me with dishes or help me with laundry?” Even if what I was offering her wasn’t a “fun” task, she still did one of them. Being given some level of control over what comes next greatly reduced her anxiety and allowed her to step back inline and function better. GIVING CHOICES is amazing! In fact a lot of my day today was spent trying to quickly come up with two choices I could give her (and the others, too). I know this will continue to be the case.

Dr. Purvis talks a lot about the fear-driven brain as well. She says that often kids have been fearful for so long that they don’t know that they are fearful. I know that I have read a lot about fear, but other than giving choices, I need to do some more digging to find out what else we can do to increase her feeling of safety in our home and family . . .without using English. J I am asking God to please show us how to do this.

I changed up the schedule on the bulletin board to only include only the four meal cards (breakfast, snack, lunch & dinner). I think the other was too overwhelming for them. This way when they ask to do something, I can say “yes,” you can do that or have that, but after lunch or after dinner. This helped a number of times today. One example is that one of the girls wanted to go drive (I don’t know exactly what she wants other than to leave the house and go in the van). I was planning to take the girls to Target to find a game (or something they wanted to do) but not until after lunch. It was about 11:00 when she asked so I said, “Yes, we can do that” but took her over to the schedule and showed her the space after “lunch.” She got a big smile and was happy and I gave her two high fives. Yay! Another time one of the girls asked to eat a peanut butter sandwich and I said (while moving us over to the board), Yes, you can and pointed to when she could have it. Each time I expected push-back, but it is so cool how saying yes - even if they have to wait or need to put it in their pocket, etc. – works. My natural reaction is to say, “No, you can’t have it now, but you can have it later,” but this defeats the purpose of building trust. Just say yes, and figure out a way to tell them or show them that they can hold it or do it later, etc.

However not a minute after my YAY experience with one of the girls , Isaiah was upset about something and she (doing what I’m sure she did in Africa) took him, put him in the bathroom and shut the door. Oh boy! The girls treat him pretty badly and they don’t like that I baby him and comfort him when he is upset. I have learned this is part of their culture so it is a fine line knowing how to deal with it right now. We had a little struggle for a while later because she wanted to treat him how she has been taught to treat him and I was trying to tell her that I am the mom. This topic is on my list for the next time we go visit Rachel who speaks Lingala. After that, although I thought the “driving” question had been handled she asked me probably ten more times if we could go. At least the new schedule is a good start.

We took the kids to the school park in the afternoon (thank you, Jesus, for more great weather) and it has enough swings for all four kids. Taking the kids swinging is my favorite thing right now. First, swinging guarantees smiles and laughter from ALL FOUR KIDS, AT THE SAME TIME. Second, the girls have learned to say, “help please mom” or “push please,” and they say it every time they want a push (which is very often). It sounds so simple, but this is a great way for us to give them YESES and build up their trust banks. It is so awesome because they are able to use their words to ask me to meet a need and then I can easily say yes and meet that need. Hallelujah! That is how you connect and bond. This is why English is so important . . . so they can communicate their needs and we can meet them. For this reason, I purposely held off from teaching them how to use their legs to swing themselves. J

Today was the hardest day so far, but having written that all out, it is encouraging to me to see that we had some small victories.

And God provided some very sweet encouragement for me tonight at the end of the day when I checked my Facebook messages (which I had forgot about). A friend I know who has adopted several kids had sent me two messages that said a couple things I really needed to hear:

1. "Every action you do on their behalf communicates love to them." Sometimes I feel like can only see the ways I am not connecting with them.

2. (In regard to the girls going to school soon) There is something about having a family to return home to at the end of the school day that does A LOT for connections.

Others of you have sent encouraging words in different ways and I am grateful.

Prayer Requests & Needs

Since I wrote out some specific prayer requests for our connection group today I thought I might as well post them here, too. I know many of you are praying for us, which we are incredibly thankful for.

1. For God to help Jason and I communicate well and be unified in how we parent the kids. For extra grace and patience with each other.

2. Wisdom to know how to connect with each child and re-connect when the connections are lost.

3. Specific wisdom for knowing how to parent one of the girls. She is incredibly difficult. We are beginning to identify some underlying issues, but need wisdom to know how to address them.

4. English, English, English . . . we need God to help the kids learn English! Pray for God to work out the details of enrolling the girls in ELL/half days in school. Pray for their adjustment to this. We know they want to go to school, but we also know one of them is going to have a very hard time with that transition.

5. Minute-by-minute grace and wisdom!

6. Half of us are sick. Abram and Isaiah and Jason all have a cold/bronchitis and Isaiah probably has something more. Please pray for restored health.

Also, many people have said, "Let me know if there is anything I can do," which again, I am very grateful for. The survival mode we are in has rendered me useless to try to think on the spot about what we could use or what we need. So, I have figured out a way for you to help if you are wanting to or if God leads you to: pray for us and bring us groceries (from the list below).

We had to change the plan for people bringing us meals to people bringing us some food items for me to make meals either myself or with the girls. It is working very well. We are sticking to some basic things which the kids are loving to eat but we are going through food like CRAZY. And it is hard for me to put a sufficient grocery list together at this point of the survival mode. So, if you think about us and want to help, besides praying for us, you could drop some things from this list off to us when it is convenient for you. We don't want the kids to be seeing people coming and going too much (although if we are outside playing it is okay) so we have been having people text me (five one five two three one one two one zero) shortly before they get here. I can open the garage door and you can put the stuff on the white freezer. Sometimes I might be able to say hi but a lot of times I can't. Here is the list:

Eggs

Peanut butter (we prefer the natural kind - so far we have been able to limit sugar pretty well)

Yogurt (plain or vanilla - I mix two plain to one vanilla)

Chicken (cooked or not, chopped or not)

Ground turkey

Olive oil

Chicken broth

Rice: Reg rice, brown rice, instant rice, Uncle Ben's Ready Rice . . . any & all options work

Pasta noodles

Spaghetti sauce

Sandwhich thins (flat buns)

Spinach

Mangoes

Bananas

Oranges

Sardines - all but the mustard kind (I failed to mention last night that the kids ate sardines for dinner - interesting sight for me but they were in heaven! )

Tuna

Canned chili beans in sauce

November 4 & 5th

Lunch with all four girls.

It was only a matter of time before the little boys got a hold of the bulletin board.

Partners in crime!
Isaiah is starting to get the hang of the scooter. His muscle tone is pretty low, so it is taking time.

We took our first family outing the the grocery store this afternoon. We wanted the girls to be able to pick out some foods that they liked. It went fairly smoothly overall but I won't be doing that by myself ANYTIME SOON! I think the girls liked getting to pick out some things they liked (we got some tips from some new friends yesterday: spinach, sardines, peanuts, plantains). They also picked out mangoes, spaghetti, tuna and polish sausage.

They all three loved riding in/on the cart.

This picture totally cracked me up. All four kids on the cart in some way, shape or form!
When we went to put the groceries in the back of the van, Isaiah and Mujinga HAD to sit right there. I thought, oh, that is cute. That was until I went to take Isaiah out and he threw a huge fit . . . and then I realized that this is how they are probably used to riding in a vehicle in Africa (I know that from living in Thailand . . . there are actually several things about having lived in Thailand that have come in handy in this cross-cultural adoption experience!).

Isaiah hated having to be buckled in his car seat and I mean HATED it. But, he LOVED his mange when we got home.

And he was so cute eating it like he is used to in Africa.

Jason finally got some snuggle time with our baby boy. (Although Abram is younger, Isaiah is definitely the baby in the house right now.)

November 4 & 5th, 2011 (Written November 5^th)

I don’t remember what else we did yesterday (it actually went fairly well), but the highlight was getting to go spend time with three Lingala (which our kids speak) speakers. And not only did they speak Lingala, but they exuded the presence of Jesus and I absolutely loved spending time with them. We got to spend two incredibly valuable hours with them. The three of them (two sisters and the husband of one of the sisters) have been missionaries in Congo for 10+ years. They were able to give us so many insights into many things. They were able to translate some important words I wanted translated. They were just so caring and loving and compassionate with the girls. It was a little weird for one of the girls but I saw some good smiles from her, too and it shut down the other but it was so worth it for our family. They were able to explain to the girls why we are just staying home as a family right now and that this isn’t how normal life will look. They told us with the girls’ help some other food they would like to eat. We were able to tell the girls that we know this is a really hard time and that we are working on getting them enrolled in school (probably half days). We cleared up some cooking/meal time issues. Meal times have gotten pretty stressful with the girls wanting to cook or thinking they need to cook, but since our new friends knew the cultural background, they were able to explain that it is good for mom to do a lot of the cooking. (And mealtimes have gone better since – I try to give them a choice of me cooking or them.) Our friends told us that it is very unusual for a family to all sit down and eat a meal together . . . which sure does explain a few things! They also told us that Isaiah looks like he is pretty sick. They said malaria is a definite possibility and after looking up the symptoms, it definitely looks like a possibility. We go to the Dr. on Monday.

A big thing we cleared up was what the girls want their names to be. Zahra and Zoe are out the window! (Which I am totally fine with and have been very open to for quite awhile.) The girls each have an African name we have known about since we got referred to them but at the airport we learned that they also have names they call each other, Clarise and Rachelle. But, when asked what they want to go by and have us call them, they chose their African names, Muad (no I on the end as we had thought) and Mujinga. I am so glad that we can now call them names that they feel most comfortable with. And if we need to make changes to this down the road, that is okay, too. We had been planning to give them each two middle names like Abram so I guess their names are now Muad Clarise Jen Lee and Mujinga Rachelle Kate Lee. Isaiah Munanga Taylor Lee is little guy’s name. Taylor is the name of Jason’s older brother who died a couple days after he was born.

Beyond all of this great info, spending time with our new friends who know very well what life is like in Congo reminded us of the brutal place our kids have come from and what a privilege it is that God entrusted us with them (even though it is getting more difficult by the day). I was in tears a number of times during that two hours. The first what when the three started singing a song about Jesus and Muad’s eyes lit up and she got a big smile on her face. At the end of our time together, Jim prayed for us in Lingala and one of the women interpreted for us. And then we sang, “God is so good” first in English and then in Lingala. The Holy Spirit was just so present. When we left, I wanted to cry because I felt like I had been with family. A big part of it was that I felt understood . . . they know how deep we are in this whole thing with our kids. They know how hard it is and is going to be because they know where our kids come from. And God used that (because I have a big need to be understood) to encourage me BEYOND BELIEF. I left with this verse in my soul:

Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint. (Isaiah 40:30-31)

Before going to visit our new friends, I was feeling very weary and oh, have we stumbled, but God used our time to renew my hope in Him. While there is no book or instruction manual on this new life we have entered, GOD IS PROVIDING JUSTWHAT WE NEED JUST WHEN WE NEED IT!! And I mean JUST when we desperately need it. He is so faithful.

When we got home, we had the piece of paper on the counter that Jason wrote down all of the translated words on, plus other important info, from our new friends. Not long after, one of the girls picked up the piece of paper. I asked her for it but she took off for her room with it and hid it. Because of all that I read, I knew that if I tried to fight her for it, it would only escalate her behavior. So, I just let her have it and acted like it was no big deal.

This morning Isaiah found the dishwasher soap, got it out and wanted to open it. I knew if I took it away from him à upset. So, I got his “drumsticks” (wooden spoons) and had him use the soap as a drum to hit with his sticks. Problem solved.

If only it were that easy with the girls. Today was another rough one. Today it seems the disconnections are creeping up and beginning to outnumber the connections (x 3 kids; not Isaiah because he is very sick and just wants to be held. I carried him in a Baby Bjorn, believe it or not, for about an hour today while he slept). Abram is having a terrible time. His honeymoon is over. He typically only interacts with Isaiah by trying to physically hurt him. We are trying to give him grace because I know this is super hard for him. Tonight I laid him down to bed early because he needed it while Jason gave Isaiah a bath. I started singing his normal “Our God is greater, our God is stronger, God you are higher than any other” and I absolutely broke down crying. Abram wasn’t thrown off, thankfully, but he started praying and said, “Thank you God for you,” pointing to me. I feel like I am so not the mom to him I used to be and he still thanked God for me. Of course I cried some more. Sweet boy.

More and more I sense that the girls feel like we are treating them like babies, which I think is the source of a lot of the disconnections. And I think we are out of necessity because we can’t communicate with each other. We are trying to teach them to say, ‘please mom’ or “may I please,” or, “no thank you,” instead of just doing things on their own but I that is what you do with toddlers and I think they feel that when we say it. But, what else do we do? Today felt like we were in constant repairing broken connection mode. And I imagine this is only going to increase. The longer they are here, the more there is to want to try to say.

There are just so many factors going on here . . . adoption, no shared language, their age – and not just being older but they are also pre-teens so there are those kinds of attitudes at times, huge cultural differences/issues (little kids are more adaptable in this way, but bigger issue for older kids), trauma from the past (we are beginning to see this more and more) and it is cold out (which is just one more thing). It is beginning to get harder to differentiate what issues are stemming from where. Most days I feel like a detective, trying to decipher why behaviors are happening and how we can get re-connected.

We decided to have Mya and Sydney come over to play because we know (from yesterday which I will write about shortly) that they want to have friends. Instead of them just showing up, I took the photo album outside to them to show them the girls and communicate that they were coming. I know from reading that transition can be hard for kids from hard places. The girls gave a moderate positive response, but I think it helped a lot (compared to the Scotts just showing up with out us giving them warning the other day). M & S being here went okay. It wasn’t great, but it wasn’t a disaster either. Our younger girl has a really hard time with change so she had a hard time at first, but after awhile she did okay. Three of the girls played cards for awhile and interacted a little, laughing together that way, but other than that, they played individually but in the same space, which is a good start.

After M & S got here this morning and all the girls had been outside, we set out paper, markers, glue, etc. on the table and had them come in to play. Seems easy enough, right? Wrong. This did not go over well with the oldest. And I realized that at nearly every turn I need to give her choices because of her age. When I don’t I think it feels like I am treating her like a baby. If I just would have said do you want to stay outside or do you want to come in her, then she would have the say and it would make her feel more competent. Using this tool of giving choices and giving voice will be SO MUCH EASIER WHEN WE CAN COMMUNICATE!!!!! I can’t wait for that time.

Some pretty deep issues are beginning to surface with one of the girls. But, I know (from reading) that they are behaviors that allowed her to SURVIVE her past and make it by the grace of God into our home. So, we have to respect those behaviors and have eyes to see why they are there before we begin dealing with them. There are tools to deal with them, but until we have language to deal with we are limited.

In the middle of this difficult day today, I opened up the re-subscription page of the Mission Frontiers magazine that had just come in the mail to this front page. And I honestly thought I was reading the headline of our family at the current moment:

I had to do a double-take and re-orient myself to what I was reading . . . it was weird! The crisis in Africa has come into our home in the form of three beautiful children who have no doubt suffered great tragedies. But we are finding HOPE in the midst of it all.

I am guessing people are wondering how we are doing in the midst of all of this (and I am only writing about a fraction of it!). I am doing surprisingly well. God is sustaining me in a way that is only possible through the power of the Holy Spirit. While I had no idea what the specific issues or difficulties of this new life would be, I am honestly not thrown off at all by it. It is all absolutely what I expected it to be. While reading The Connected Child, etc. is helping me with what to do, having read the blogs of a few godly families who adopted multiple children from hard places has helped me know what to expect: pure chaos, barely surviving, lots of crazy/hard behaviors surfacing/etc. I remember early on when I first started

reading about what to expect in adopting kids from hard places, I was completely scared out of my mind. And then I heard Dr. Karyn Purvis say that parents who have the most realistic expectations will be the most successful. So, I did not shy away from finding out as much as I could about what we were getting ourselves into. And I am so glad I did. If you do not find out how hard it could be and the issues that can be present when you adopt kids from hard places and if you don’t expect it, then you will not only be dealing with all the craziness and difficulty of what kids from hard places bring to your home, but you will also be dealing with your own disappointment of what you thought your life would look like. I say all of that simply as an encouragement to count the cost and learn about what you are getting into.

And just to clarify, being “successful” is not my goal and I CERTAINLY don’t feel like we are being successful. It makes me laugh just thinking about it. We are anything but successful over here. But, we are making it through by the grace of God and realistic expectations. And as far as expectations go, I expect things to get worse before they get better. And while I’m doing well, that includes me bawling my eyes out tonight thinking about Mya and Sydney being here earlier and all of the attachment I have with them and all that I don’t (yet) with my girls. It broke my heart.

Okay one last thing to end with because God came through with a sweet highlight at the very end of the night. JUST when I needed it. The girls haven’t been super receptive to me reading to them but Muad wanted me to read the Toddler Rhyming Bible to her. Mujinga joined us on the bed half-way through (I read it all, which was cool). Over half-way through reading to them, Muad, scooted closer to me and leaned her head on my shoulder. After the hard day that I had with the girls (mostly from the lack of language), it was so incredibly encouraging to have her do that. It was also meaningful because Igive the girls hugs a lot but they have yet to hug me while I am hugging them (which I totally understand because I am still virtually a stranger to them). And then, it got better when near the end of reading we got to the page with Jesus hanging on the cross and for the first time while we were reading, Muad lit up and started saying something (in Lingala of course). It was really cool to see. When we were at our Lingala-speaking friends home, one of them asked the girls if they pray to God and Muad said that she did. That night (last night) I noticed she went to bed with the Jesus Storybook Bible tucked under her arm. I sense that our time with our new friends (praying in Lingala, singing, etc.) sparked an interest in her to read the Bible. How stinking cool!

Lord, please draw these girls near to you during this terribly difficult time for them and use their lives for your glory.

Okay, people, that was long but so needed in my heart. Since I really can’t talk to any friends (not even my sister!) during the day or keep any of you updated individually, I’ve realized this is necessary for my emotional health. So, thanks for reading.