November 8, 2011

Forgot to post this picture last night from when Owen came on Sunday. Not the best pic, but it is fun to see them together.The boys at Target.
A friend helped me track down a ring sling to use to carry Isaiah since he wants carried by me a lot and I want to carry him for bonding but still need to do things around the house. I am LOVING it! I held him like this and put dishes in the dishwasher right after this picture was taken tonight. After the day that we had with him, I'm just glad he still wanted me to hold him.

November 8, 2011

This morning went fairly decently. It seems hard to get things going in the morning for the girls, but they woke up ready to eat breakfast and one of them was emptying the dishwasher (I’ll take it!) shortly after they woke up. Abram has been getting up around 5:00a every morning and then we put him in bed with us to keep sleeping. Isaiah usually wakes up at 6:00a to go to the bathroom and I also bring him back to our bed (once Jason is back to work neither of us will be in bed at 6:00a but for now this is working). This morning Isaiah kept sleeping until 8:30a. And he took a very long nap, but that is a whole other story in a minute.

We let the girls watch one of their movies from the library this morning since they were ready so early. At this point watching Anne of Green Gables is the best English lesson they are going to get! We had a chiropractor appointment at 10:45a and were able to get everyone out the door for that. The girls had also been asking for two days to get dolls from the store (they saw them the last time they were there with me). Just the little boys and I got adjusted (I really needed it after carrying Isaiah around so much) – the girls didn’t want to, which is totally fine.

Our trip to Target went well. We ran into Jeff Dodge with the two kids they are fostering so it was fun to chat with him. Abram finally got to ride the “Aia cart” with Isaiah . . . although I’m not sure it lived up to his expectations since they aren’t the best of friends right now. The girls each picked out a Barbie doll and a few pair of clothes. They were very excited and spent the rest of the day playing with them.

When we got home, I got lunch on the table and Isaiah started a major meltdown (very loud screaming/crying and kicking his legs). He wouldn’t eat and N.O.T.H.I.N.G. would console him. I tried every room of the house, outside, holding him, not holding him, offering him food, not offering him food, etc. IT WAS MAD-DEN-NING! I knew he was tired (yawning and scratching his head) and needed a nap. We took him to the back room so Abram would not be woke up by his very loud screaming/crying and so the girls wouldn’t hear him and come try to be the mom. After awhile I figured out that he needed comforted but was completely fighting being comforted by me. Oh, the distress of an orphan. A few different times I would just hold him as tight as I could so he couldn’t move in hopes of calming him down, but that didn’t work either. When I was doing that he got even more mad and I could hear him crying out “mama_____” and I realized he was calling out for his foster mom. It broke my heart. His complete anger and being mad revealed his utter sadness and broken heart. (Remember, 'sad looks mad and scared looks crazy,' so I knew he was so sad.) I finally resorted to just letting him sit on the floor having his fit. Since he wouldn’t let me comfort him the only thing I could do was just BE there WITH him in his distress. This whole thing went on for well over an hour. FINALLY, his crying calmed a little as he was sitting Indian style on the floor barely sitting again my leg and I saw his eyelids falling. My sweet baby boy cried himself to sleep sitting up. I hated that I couldn’t comfort him, but I knew what was going on. He was mourning his former caregiver (foster mom). I know I'm his forever mom but he is still learning. Dang, it is hard. I scooted closer to him and he let me pick him up and he fell asleep again in my arms. I decided it was best to hold him for his nap after all that.

Jason took the girls to the park around that time. About 30 minutes after Isaiah fell asleep (and I was holding him), I heard Abram crying in his room. DILEMMA. After thinking through all the options, I had to get up (which meant Isaiah woke up) and go to Abram. I’m not sure why he was crying but I sat with both of them while they cried. Isaiah tried to fight me a little from holding him, but shortly after he fell asleep again and I held him on the couch. Thankfully Jason and the girls came home shortly after that.

Sometime after that I got a call from the lab in DSM and found out that some of the blood they took from Isaiah yesterday would not work for some of the tests they needed so they needed me to take him back this afternoon. UGH! Not thrilled about that. There was also no way I could handle watching him be tormented again by myself. Not sure I mentioned how aweful the getting blood drawn experience was for little I yesterday. He is a fearful and sad boy sitting at the lunch table . . . much less having to have a stranger poke a needle in his arm. It was aweful. So, call me a baby but I called my mom and asked her to go with me. I needed the moral support. Prior to hearing we had to go to DSM again, we were contemplating taking the kids to Kate’s to see how that would go. We ended up going out there around 4:00p. Muad was not thrilled to be there, but Mujinga surprisingly jumped right in with playing Barbies in the girls’ room. When mom arrived to go to DSM with me, I told the girls where I was going and Muad wanted to come with me while Mujinga wanted to stay. That is the first time they have been separated, I think, but it went well.

On the way home from DSM I got to talk to another good friend, which was a wonderful blessing. And, earlier that afternoon another friend dropped off coffee and a wonderful note. She told me that she was praising God for His faithfulness in answering a few specific prayers she had been praying for us. She had prayed that we could all sleep well (which we have!). She had prayed that we would be able to find a translator (which we did!). And she prayed that my sister and I would get to spend time together (which we did!). What a beautiful encouragement. I was in tears. I can’t even tell you how much every single encouraging word, foot item dropped off, text, email, etc. means to me. It makes me feel like we are not alone and that is making a huge difference. God is good and his design of the church is beautiful!

When I went in the girls’ room tonight around bedtime Mujinga said, “Mom, Sambela” which means “pray.” She wanted to make sure I was still going to pray with them. Love it! They also let me read more of the Toddler Bible to them. When we got to the Old Testament story about the wall, Mujinga said, “Yericho” (what it sounded like to me). She knew the story was about the wall of Jericho. SO COOL! What a blessing that the girls have some level of knowledge about the Bible and want to read it and pray. I mean, seriously, it is so cool. And I have got to think that it helps having something familiar that they did/know from Africa.

While Jason isn’t officially going back to work until next week (help me, Jesus!), he has to work all day tomorrow (something that was scheduled a long time ago). So, you can PRAY FOR ME FOR TOMORROW (Wednesday)! I have back-ups in place (my sister and my mom), don't worry. I am almost laughing right now wondering how it is going to go. I probably won’t be laughing tomorrow. :)

Something I come back to a lot everyday is God’s word about orphans in James 1:27 to “care for orphans in their distress.” I think most of us (myself until a few days ago) think that when we take a child from their fatherless state and place them into a family, that is caring for them in their distress. And it certainly is – in part. But, the distress of orphans does not stop once you give them a family (in fact, in some ways it actually increases probably). We are currently caring for our kids in their distress and we will be for quite a long time. It just helps me to keep this perspective throughout the day.

Today as Jason and I were sitting with Isaiah in his utter brokenness and heartache, Jason said, “caring for orphans is war.” I agreed and added that our job now – through God’s grace and strength – is to undo the wretched evil that has been done to the these beautiful kids. And it is nothing short of war. Thankfully Jesus has defeated the evil one on the cross and His power has been given to us . . . and thankfully he loves to give it when we are weak.

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (1 Corinthians 12:9-10)

November 7th

November 7, 2011

After I posted last night I realized that I completely forgot that Owen came over again (it feels like a months worth of things happen in one single day!). It helped that I gave them a choice of him coming or not. They gave a moderate positive response so we went ahead with him coming. He did great here and the girls did okay. They didn’t freak out like the last time so that was very positive. I even saw Muad try to playfully block his way when he was going into the back room, which was the first sign of them “playing” together. And then for lunch, Muad served him his food which was also sweet to see.

The first two hours of this morning were hard. First, Isaiah cried pretty hard for a full hour. His fever is back (after being down yesterday) and NOTHING would console him (even though I was holding him the whole time). All three had doctor appts at 9:00a but by 8:20a, it became clear that the girls were not going to make it. They were still in pajamas and hadn’t eaten breakfast (even though I had given them the choice of breakfast or a bath a number of times). We decided just I would take Isaiah to the doctor. Shortly before I left Jason said he thought Muad was crying in her room. I went in to check on her and I found in tears behind her door. When I bent down to her she said, “mommy,” and showed me the picture she was holding in her hand. It was a picture of all the MLJ staff members in Congo (I had printed it from the last MLJ newsletter and last week she pinned it on her wall). My sweet, oldest baby girl was grieving the loss of those special people she knew from home. I hugged her and cried and grieved with her and sat with her for as long as I could until I had to leave. Although I hated that she had to go through that, it was a probably one of the best bonding times yet (and the fact that I didn’t have to be dealing with another child at that point was orchestrated by God). Grief . . . forgot to add that to the list of factors going on here.

God gave me a wonderful gift in taking Isaiah to the doctor (in Huxley) by myself this morning. On the way home I stopped by to see Kate, which was so incredibly wonderful. Last night I bawled like a baby missing my sister and my family and friends. All of this extreme chaos and constant difficult behavior I expected and envisioned. And I knew we wouldn’t be able to be around people for a while but what I didn’t envision in my head about this new life was how badly I would miss the people closest to me. And realizing the long road ahead of us made me mourn that loss even more. So, getting to just sit at my sister’s kitchen table for an hour and talk to her (after texting Jason to make sure he was doing okay with the others at home) was such a gift. By the end of the time Isaiah was smiling and he and Greysen played a little.

When I got home with Isaiah I was on the phone with the ELL teacher and before I kenw it the other three kids had hopped in the van and wanted to go somewhere. As Jason was driving we were figuring out where we should go. The library came to mind since I had reserved some Leap Frog DVDs that were ready. The girls were reluctant when I asked if they wanted to come in with me, but they came. And it was so great. I let them pick out a number of books and then let them pick out a few movies. They got to scan the stuff they picked out and carry it out the door. YAY! Jason had taken the boys to Bandshell park so we walked there. On the way I was singing a song about Jesus (since when have I ever sang out loud walking down the street?!). After hearing it one of the girls said the word in Lingala for prayer and using her motions I figured out she was trying to ask when are we going to church. It’s a good question. I would so love to take her soon, but it is going to be a difficult situation for all of the kids in different ways so we will have to let God show us when. This whole cocooning thing gets interesting with older kids. It is an absolute must when adopting little ones - they have no idea in normal life you go to the grocery store once a week and go to church and go to school . . . so you can just stay home. But the older ones know some of what normal life is supposed to look like and staying home all day is not it.

Anyway, the library became my new favorite place in town today and I’m looking forward to taking the girls regularly.

Around 3:00p I got a call from the Dr. in Huxley who said I needed to take Isaiah to Des Moines for blood work before 6:00p. He needs to see the pediatric infectious disease doctor and Ames won’t see kids under 8. So we made a quick plan and I took him there after first stopping at the clinic in Huxley for a TB test. He slept half the way to DSM, he slept the hour that I waited in the waiting room and then he slept on the way home. Poor guy. I called a good friend on my way down which was another special treat. And on the way home I talked to my sister and mom a little. Praising God for some good social interaction today!

Jason made dinner (fish and rice). I think the girls were impressed that he made it! Dinner time went fairly smooth which felt like a victory. And after dinner Abram started chasing the girls around the house and they were loving it. It was the first time I have seen them “play” together. Definitely a blessing.

Last night before I fell asleep I read the chapter in The Connected Child called, “The Impact of Fear” and every word on every page described exactly what we have going on here with one of our girls. I hope to post some of it soon because it was just so incredibly helpfull. The bottom line is that giving choices and saying yes are the primary ways to help a scared child (who needs control) to feel safe. So, at least we are on the right track.

I was the most tired today that I have been so far so I am going to bed a little earlier tonight. Thanks for praying for us!

November 6, 2011

Before breakfast I found Muad sitting on the step stool in the bathroom looking at her Bible. It was really cute.

Shortly after breakfast, however, we had to run after one of the girls who took off down the sidewalk and around the corner. And we had to do that a second time later in the day. We tried to play it cool, like it wasn’t that big of a deal but inside I was freaking out a bit. We went to the park shortly after the first incident and walking home from the park a very important quote from Dr. Purvis popped into my head (thank you Lord!):

“Sad children look mad and scared children look crazy.”

We have one very scared girl in our family. Her behavior would best be described as “crazy.” Yesterday we were reminded of the issue of fear and now that we identified it, I see it all day long. Theraplay explains fear in children with complex trauma this way:

“As trauma becomes chronic, the child’s neurophysiology organizes into trauma pathways. The brain becomes “fear-driven . . .” conditioned to fire up and react reflexively at the slightest hint of the past trauma. It becomes overfocused on nonverbal signals of safety or threat. The trigger – a stimulus that generates in the amygdala an implicit body memory of the sensations of the trauma – sets off an unprocessed, right-brain reaction that others perceive as an irrational overreaction . . . The brain is hijacked into an automatic, unconscious reaction to a present stimulus that has some similarity to the original trauma. Survival behavior kicks in and brain signals go to the muscles for fighting or fleeing or, if escape is impossible, for shutting down and freezing.”

As a side note, disconnection = flight, fight or freeze. These are coping mechanisms for not being connected and having to learn to survive on your own. Most kids will have a primary coping mechanism but some will show evidence of all three at times. And even I know that when I feel disconnected from Jason or someone else I am close to, my response is to shut down and freeze . . . so we all do this do a degree . . . I just haven’t had to shutdown to SURVIVE trauma that I experienced.

“Irrational overreaction” (i.e. crazy behavior) is what we see all day long from one of our girls. I know the tool to use to address her fear is to help her feel SAFE (emotional or felt safety) while building trust. Another big piece of helping her feel safe is to allow her feel a sense of control (another thing that sounds “bad” in parenting other kids). Trauma = a lack of control = scared. Giving her choices allows her to feel some sense of control, which reduces anxiety. Already today giving her choices has been very helpful. There were a number of times that she was at the door wanting to get out (not to run away, but just go out for lack of something to do or to possibly to flee a situation that was uncomfortable) and I went to her, looked her in the eyes (we are working on eye contact) and asked, “do you want to play a game or play with your doll?” or “do you want to help me with dishes or help me with laundry?” Even if what I was offering her wasn’t a “fun” task, she still did one of them. Being given some level of control over what comes next greatly reduced her anxiety and allowed her to step back inline and function better. GIVING CHOICES is amazing! In fact a lot of my day today was spent trying to quickly come up with two choices I could give her (and the others, too). I know this will continue to be the case.

Dr. Purvis talks a lot about the fear-driven brain as well. She says that often kids have been fearful for so long that they don’t know that they are fearful. I know that I have read a lot about fear, but other than giving choices, I need to do some more digging to find out what else we can do to increase her feeling of safety in our home and family . . .without using English. J I am asking God to please show us how to do this.

I changed up the schedule on the bulletin board to only include only the four meal cards (breakfast, snack, lunch & dinner). I think the other was too overwhelming for them. This way when they ask to do something, I can say “yes,” you can do that or have that, but after lunch or after dinner. This helped a number of times today. One example is that one of the girls wanted to go drive (I don’t know exactly what she wants other than to leave the house and go in the van). I was planning to take the girls to Target to find a game (or something they wanted to do) but not until after lunch. It was about 11:00 when she asked so I said, “Yes, we can do that” but took her over to the schedule and showed her the space after “lunch.” She got a big smile and was happy and I gave her two high fives. Yay! Another time one of the girls asked to eat a peanut butter sandwich and I said (while moving us over to the board), Yes, you can and pointed to when she could have it. Each time I expected push-back, but it is so cool how saying yes - even if they have to wait or need to put it in their pocket, etc. – works. My natural reaction is to say, “No, you can’t have it now, but you can have it later,” but this defeats the purpose of building trust. Just say yes, and figure out a way to tell them or show them that they can hold it or do it later, etc.

However not a minute after my YAY experience with one of the girls , Isaiah was upset about something and she (doing what I’m sure she did in Africa) took him, put him in the bathroom and shut the door. Oh boy! The girls treat him pretty badly and they don’t like that I baby him and comfort him when he is upset. I have learned this is part of their culture so it is a fine line knowing how to deal with it right now. We had a little struggle for a while later because she wanted to treat him how she has been taught to treat him and I was trying to tell her that I am the mom. This topic is on my list for the next time we go visit Rachel who speaks Lingala. After that, although I thought the “driving” question had been handled she asked me probably ten more times if we could go. At least the new schedule is a good start.

We took the kids to the school park in the afternoon (thank you, Jesus, for more great weather) and it has enough swings for all four kids. Taking the kids swinging is my favorite thing right now. First, swinging guarantees smiles and laughter from ALL FOUR KIDS, AT THE SAME TIME. Second, the girls have learned to say, “help please mom” or “push please,” and they say it every time they want a push (which is very often). It sounds so simple, but this is a great way for us to give them YESES and build up their trust banks. It is so awesome because they are able to use their words to ask me to meet a need and then I can easily say yes and meet that need. Hallelujah! That is how you connect and bond. This is why English is so important . . . so they can communicate their needs and we can meet them. For this reason, I purposely held off from teaching them how to use their legs to swing themselves. J

Today was the hardest day so far, but having written that all out, it is encouraging to me to see that we had some small victories.

And God provided some very sweet encouragement for me tonight at the end of the day when I checked my Facebook messages (which I had forgot about). A friend I know who has adopted several kids had sent me two messages that said a couple things I really needed to hear:

1. "Every action you do on their behalf communicates love to them." Sometimes I feel like can only see the ways I am not connecting with them.

2. (In regard to the girls going to school soon) There is something about having a family to return home to at the end of the school day that does A LOT for connections.

Others of you have sent encouraging words in different ways and I am grateful.