Overdue Update

I'm not sure why it has been so long since I've blogged. Perhaps because we started home school two weeks ago. Or perhaps because I'm actually (finally) exercising regularly early in the mornings so I've been going to bed around 9:00p every night. Or maybe because I have been taking lots of naps lately during rest time.

Here is the best way I know how to sum up life lately . . .

One day I feel like: What in the world am I doing parenting two near-teenagers (who are still working on attachment)?! This is IMPOSSIBLE. I have no idea what I am doing.

And then the next day: Getting to share God's truth with my girls (who can understand so much more now) is the BEST JOB IN THE WHOLE WORLD. I love this!

Back and forth. Back and forth.

And of course, there are the two boys. They have their fair amount of trouble, but they play so well together most of the time. Watching them play together or ride their red trikes together or dig in the dirt together is one of the biggest joys of my life right now.

Zoe had a really hard time accepting that she had to stay home for school. To quote the last blog post I did weeks ago, there was "screaming, kicking, hysterical hysterics" the week before we started school.  But it was more than just a "school" issue. It was very much a trusting mom and dad issue that she was struggling with. Trusting that we know what is best for. The fact that she is so mad about not getting to go to school shows where her heart is and it is not near us, it is not trusting us. She needs more time at home to heal and attach.God used that very difficult day three weeks ago to help her grieve and move forward and by the next day, she had her back pack on, eagerly asking me if we could go get the home school room ready. I was so thankful!

And by "home school," let me just tell you, it is very laid back "school" we are attempting here. Attachment and healing are still our number one priorities. The first few days of school both girls struggled with heart and attitude issues BIG TIME - which again is why they need to be home . . . so we can work on those heart issues that never got worked on when they were toddlers, then kindergartners, and all the other younger years we missed with them. Home schooling is providing some much needed structure in our mornings that is turning out to be SO GOOD for all of us. Overall, after two weeks, I would say home schooling is going well.

Some days life feels rather "normal." And then other days it seems as if my three African kids' past trauma is spilling out everywhere. By the end of this past Thursday, I felt worn to the bone by all the trauma responses . . . worn out by the constant attempts to control, worn out by the gigantic emotional episodes and worn out by the dead-pan, lifeless looks. By the grace of God, I am learning to come alongside them and patiently help them to learn how to use respectful words to express the big feelings they have inside of them, instead of using the unhealthy ways they used to survive. Lately, I feel like this is all I do. (Maybe this is why I have been taking more naps lately!) And I don't always do it with grace and patience. I fail a lot. But, God is working on my heart, just as He is working on theirs.

Some days I am so encouraged by how far all of my kids have come and other days it seems like my kids are not ever going to be fully healed and attached. Just this past week when I was discouraged about this, God gently reminded me that these are former orphans that we are caring for (I often forget because they are MY KIDS!). He is asking me simply to be faithful to care for them. And not worry about how their lives are going to turn out. That gives me much PEACE.

And then there are days like yesterday that I am filled with such joy at the little things. I stopped by the bread store close to my house and left the kids in the van while I ran in. When I came out of the store, the parking lot was filled with the loud sound of all four of my kids singing, 'Our God is Greater' at the top of their lungs through my van windows. It was an incredibly sweet sound that brought a huge smile to my face!

But, perhaps the sweetest moment YET in this whole adoption journey took place a few weeks ago. Claire and I were sitting on the deck, doing her nails. Through a series of conversations, we were talking about the details of her adoption. It was fun to talk about now that she can understand so much more. She asked me about the first picture we got of her so we looked at it on my computer. We were talking about how small she was and she said she was so small because she was sad and scared then. She was standing close to me and I had my arm around her shoulder as we looked at the picture of that very small, sad girl. She said, 'I was so sad inside, but nobody knew it.' Without hesitating (because the Holy Spirit pushed the words out of my mouth), I said, 'but Somebody DID KNOW that you were sad . . . didn't He?' She nodded her head in agreement and moved closer into me. I turned to her and put my hands on each of her shoulders. I looked her right in the eyes and said, 'God SAW you and He HEARD you (she told me earlier about something she prayed that God very clearly answered) and He RESCUED you. And He brought you into this family to heal your heart and help you know Him really well. He wants you to learn a lot in school and He wants to use your life to help others . . . . because you know what it is like to not have a mom and a dad.' Of course, by this point tears were filling my eyes. Getting to speak God's truth into my kids' lives is one of the greatest joys I have ever experienced.

So, let the roller coaster continue. The lows are low and the highs are high, but it is all WORTH IT . . . for the glory of God!

Dead On

Many of  you have probably heard of Jen Hatmaker or read her blog or books. The woman has a way with words to say the least! She just wrote a blog post called "The Truth about Adoption: One Year Later" about the stages her family went through the first year of adopting two older kids.

It is DEAD ON. Oh my! I didn't know whether to laugh or cry at all the things she said that hit the nail on the head for us. I did laugh and cry reading it because 90% of it is so true of our experience. I loved the way she ended writing about how God is enough for all of us in adoption. The truths she shared were so powerful.

Go on now . . . read her post here!

We Are a Different Family

It is a rare occasion that I can compare so overtly what our adopt-three-kids-at-one-time family is like now to what it was seven or eight months ago. It has been a slow and often tedious process. But, last Thursday night I got a glimpse of the difference between the earlier months and now.

After dinner we all walked to a park near our house. We haven't been to parks much in this summer due to the heat (and our great back yard). When we got to the park Thursday night with our soccer ball and volleyball and started playing in the open, grassy area, waves of memories flooded over me. I could not help but be transported back to all the times we went to that park as a family in the early months right after the kids came home - when we were all bundled up in winter coats.

PEOPLE! We were an incredibly different family at the park Thursday night than that family we took to the park many months ago in the cold weather. I mean A. REALLY. DIFFERENT. FAMILY.

It felt like we were family - you know, people who actually know each other really well. We laughed a lot, we called the kids by the nicknames we have for them and we were relaxed and just having fun with them -  not on guard every minute wondering what they were going to do, how they would react and needing to be super intentional about every interaction with them. We were an {almost} normal family at the park. We were not two parents with a toddler and three kids we loved deeply, but barely knew. Such a tangible "feeling" of difference in who we are as a family was a sweet blessing to experience last week. THANK YOU, JESUS!

A few people have asked me lately if my African kids feel like my kids now. It is a good question. I can say for sure that my feelings of my kids being my kids has definitely grown TREMENDOUSLY since they first came home. That I know for sure. While I've never parented a biological or adopted-at-birth 9 or 11 year old, I am fairly certain that it is still a little different. Not quite 100% "there" - whatever "there" is.

Claire is the most attached and probably feels most like my daughter at this current moment in time. With Zoe, it honestly depends on the week/day and whether or not RAD behaviors are rising to the surface or not. When RAD is present, it creates this unavoidable distance in our relationship. In order to love and parent the RAD, I have to disconnect emotionally from her (to some degree) to not take things personally and be able to parent her in the way she needs (providing consequences and firm boundaries for crazy/controlling behavior). If I didn't disconnect emotionally, I would react very poorly to her (read: get very angry). Disconnecting allows me to not let her crazy behavior affect me as much. So it is taking longer with her and that is okay. I still love her just as much as I love my other kids (and in some ways in a more special way because I have invested a lot of blood, sweat and tears in her life). Isaiah also still cycles through his disconnected times and in those times I do not feel the same toward him as I do Abram. But, like with Zoe, each time they cycle back around to a more emotionally healthier Isaiah or Zoe, my attachment and "feelings" toward them grow, too. So, yes, they feel like my kids, but it is still different . . . we are getting there and I am confident God will provide all the feelings of them being 100% my kids in His time.

Before the kids came home and I read about attachment and realized my kids might not feel like my kids for a long time, I'm sure it scared me to death. This is an often-asked question/fear when I talk to people who are interested in adopting. And it is a legitimate question, but not something to fear. I think the enemy loves to make us feel like it will be a miserable nightmare if our kids don't "feel" like our kids after we adopt them. It is simply not true. It is a lie from Satan. God's grace is sufficient and He gives us everything we need to joyfully love them - even if we don't have the feelings to go along with it. And it is selfish of us if we say "no" to adoption because we are afraid we can't love them like our other children or if we think they won't feel like "our" kids.

We love because Christ first loved us. (1 John 4:19)

As a relationship with our child(ren) grows over time, so do the feelings. God entrusts us with a life (or two or three) and asks us to lay down our lives and love them, no matter what our feelings toward them. It is not always easy (but neither is loving kids who completely feel like your own kids!), but the blessings of getting to experience the relationship with a newly adopted child grow is amazing. It is like sitting on the sidelines watching God work right in front of your face. I wouldn't trade that gift for anything.