Facing My Biggest Fear: The Fit

Fear is my biggest weakness. Satan knows it and has preyed on my fear in a number of ways throughout my life and now is no exception. God is also quite aware of the fear in my heart and is graciously using my RADish to really dig out the root of it. At the Nancy Thomas seminar we attended a few weeks ago (SO GOOD!), I realized that the biggest issue needing addressed in my parenting was my fear of my RADish's fits. It sounds so ridiculous, doesn't it? Fearing a fit? Sheesh, Jen, get it together. 

But, I fear her fits because they make me feel COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTROL. They are big, ugly and leave me having no idea what to do. OUT OF CONTROL = FEAR in my sinful heart. God is trying to change the equation to OUT OF CONTROL = TRUSTING THAT GOD IS ABSOLUTELY SOVEREIGN AND TOTALLY IN CONTROL (no matter how it looks or feels). I am such a slow learner because this continues to be one of the biggest things I struggle with!

God used my time with Nancy Thomas to help me gain more tools to deal with my RADish's control and manipulation - especially THE FIT. 

The Monday after the conference, I had a prime opportunity to use one of my new tools. Of course, my RADish most often throws fits when I say NO. In hindsight, I realize that (prior to seeing Nancy Thomas) I would dance around my "no" to my daughter out of fear of the fit. As the fit started going down, I would often say, "well, if you can ask me with respect..." and then I would often let her do or have what she was asking for. (Occasionally this is not bad to do. But I was doing it a lot.)

So, the Monday after the conference, the kids and I were at a gas station waiting for our van to get worked on. I got the kids popcorn for a snack. My RADish was badgering me (it is a very aggressive/manipulative kind of asking that's hard to describe) to get something else for a snack. This is where in the past I would have made her ask with respect and just got something else so I didn't have to deal with a fit. Instead, thanks to Nancy Thomas and GOD'S GRACE, I laid down a very firm, but positive, "No. We are having popcorn." A big fit began, as expected. So (here comes the new tool...), I pointed to a nearby chair and said, very positively and without sarcasm,"Hey Zo, see that chair right there? That would be a really good place to throw a fit. Just go over there and throw a fit." She squirmed in her chair, a little frustrated, and tried a new angle with the fit. I said, "its okay, you can stay right there and give me your best mad." After I said that, I saw her face change. Her countenance deflated as she realized her fit was not ruffling my feathers or affecting me one bit. (And that is the point of most therapeutic parenting techniques for kids with attachment issues - to do something to address the behavior without letting it ruffle your feathers. This helps explain why the learning curve is so darn high!) 

After a little more squirming she stopped her fit completely and went about a normal conversation. Strike up the hallelujah chorus...I wanted to do a cartwheel right then and there! As we walked back to where our van was, I was marching and walking goofy and she joyfully followed, right in step with me. We were back in connection, enjoying each other. Thank you God. 

I felt such victory that day because not only was the "go throw a fit" tool successful, but God helped me overcome my fear of her fits. Laying down firm NO's is crucial to providing the high structure that will lead my RADish to trust me and fully heal. If she can get me to cave a lot who is in control? She is. And she cannot trust me if I am not strong enough to be in control and stand firm against her control and manipulation (that she has had to use to survive). But attachment-challenged children PUSH and PUSH and PUSH your every button (and they know your exact button!) to make darn sure they are going to be able to trust you. 

God used that day to boost my confidence to keep giving firm no's when needed, which is A LOT considering how constantly she asks for things. Yes, we need to give as many YES's as we can to meet needs and provide high nurture. That is why we make our kids ask for everything - to get water, to go to the bathroom, to put salt on their food, to have a napkin, etc., We are making up for the 100,000 needs an infant has in the first year of life. When that infant gets 100,00 YESes that first year, they TRUST and ATTACH to their parents. But, we are also providing all the NO's a parent gives in the second year of life (and beyond) as a child explores his/her boundaries. The NO's help them feel SAFE (even though they don't like hearing it). The YES's in the first year (+) and the NO's in the second year of life (+) are what help children develop a conscience (from "Understanding and Treating the Severely Disturbed Child" by Foster Cline via Nancy Thomas). This was a very cool new thing I learned from Nancy Thomas a few weeks ago.

If you made it through all of this, thanks for reading and tracking with me as I process all of this! 

Life These Days

Remember me? Yes, it has been awhile.

I feel like life these days almost defies words. In a lot of ways we have found our new normal. My kids very much feel like my kids (probably not 100% yet, but we are getting close). I love them so much and can't imagine life without them. We don't have very many big crisis moments (hours of rages and days full of disrespect) anymore. And for that I am SO THANKFUL. And  just in the past few weeks there has been MAJOR evidence of God's healing and attachment in my RADish - more than ever before. HALLELUJAH! Seriously, it is one of the most amazing things to experience.

But, there is still constant crazy manipulative behavior (many different varieties) daily, even in the midst of a lot of healing. As life gets more "normal" the challenges become more constant throughout the day. There for awhile I wasn't sure if crisis mode was harder or constant mode is harder. The constant manipulation and control is exhausting and emotionally draining to endure and to try to figure out how to parent. And the transition to more constant, controlling behavior was difficult (as are any kind of transitions for me). In crisis mode, there is no choice but to cling to Jesus for my every breath and word. But, as the crazy behavior became more of a normal part of my day, I found myself in my default self-sufficiency mode. There were a few weeks in there that I felt I was totally in a spiritual fog, trying to learn how to trust in Jesus moment by moment in what seemed more like more normal life. God is faithful and His Ways are always the best. I didn't understand those foggy weeks, but I'm glad they are over.

Another sign that life is beginning to resemble a new "normal" is that I exercised all five days in a row last week . . . for the first time in a YEAR! And what's more is that I actually showered five days in a row for the first time in almost year, also. :) And I even am wearing makeup today 'just because' (in the past I needed to have a darn good reason to take the time to do that!).  These things all contribute to life feeling more "normal" even in the midst of lots of crazy behavior. I guess I am finally learning to function well with the CRAZY (not-yet-attached behaviors).

Part of the crazy is Isaiah. While his behavior doesn't look crazy, he is struggling a lot right now, and his behavior is a bit puzzling and very frustrating. Sometimes I feel like he is the least attached of all the kids. So, I am back to rocking him and singing with him and asking God for wisdom to know what else we should do to love and care for him.

Over the summer I felt able to start doing a few things for other people, a few more things outside our home, going more places, etc.  But, I've had to pull most of it all back in so that I have enough emotional energy to parent my kids well. Oh yeah, and to home school . . . a little! We are still very much on the low-intensity side of home schooling.  But, it is fun to see the girls start to learn to read.

I'm thankful to feel more and more equipped every day to handle the control and manipulation that goes on. In some ways I feel like I am just now "getting it." Practice doesn't make perfect, but I'm realizing PRACTICE (along with the Holy Spirit!) does help a great deal in learning this whole other world called therapeutic parenting. Dealing with a child day after day with attachment issues really is like stepping into  completely OTHER WORLD. That's the only way I know to describe it. The other day I felt like I've learned more in the last year than I if I would have went to college this last year!

But, I'm so THANKFUL. God continues to give me so much joy and peace in the midst of the crazy and the teenager attitudes (oh yes, lots of that, too!). There is no other explanation for it besides Jesus being alive and living in me through the Holy Spirit. I'm thankful for all the fun we have together as a family. We laugh our heads off together most nights at the dinner table. Even though there is still a lot of crazy, taxing behavior, we are more bonded as a family than ever before. Ah, what a difference that makes! It think that is what makes the biggest difference right now. Feeling more bonded as a family and seeing with my own eyes evidence of attachment in my RADish makes handling the hard, crazy behavior so much better. I'm thankful to the point of tears to see signs and to start to FEEL an attachment with my younger daughter. I'm thankful for all of the opportunities we have to speak the Truth to our kids and to see the girls really start to get spiritual things.

Most of all, I'm thankful that God continues to be faithful to us and come through for me EVERY TIME. Like last Wednesday . . . it was our first home school coop field trip (to the orchard/pumpkin patch). I hardly even remember the details of what happened before we left, but my RADish took off on a manipulation frenzy. I am usually able (by the grace of God) to stay calm, but the stress of needing to get out of the door by a specific time was pressing in on me and I was about to LOSE IT! (This is exactly why our life is such that we don't HAVE to be anywhere at a certain time most days.) After contemplating not going, I got everyone in the van but I was an emotional wreck. I was a wreck from the bewilderment of manipulation and I was nervous not knowing how it was going to go for my kids to be at a new big place with tons of people. And to be completely honest, I was feeling alone thinking about being with lots of other families who don't understand what it is like to live with RAD and to have just spent your morning detangling the webs of control and manipulation. I prayed as I drove and I specifically asked God to come through for me and provide what I needed. I didn't even know what I needed.

As I pulled in the parking lot, the woman getting out of the van next to me was a very dear friend of mine who mentored me as a new believer and has shaped my life a ton since then. I don't get to see her very often and I didn't expect her to be there. I think my heart rate went down just simply seeing her standing there. She came over and gave me a big hug, not knowing how much I really needed a hug in that moment. God blew me away having this friend be the very first person I saw. We then ended up in a tour group with this friend and two other friends of mine.  I spent the rest of the day with the second two women and their kids - one of which is my daughters' friend. God provided exactly what we needed. He is so faithful!

I would not trade this life for anything. It is not easy, but I love watching God come through day, after day, after day.

Love Don't Cost Nada

Our friend, Jason and Jess Crawford, are adopting two kids from the same country as us.  Jason Crawford's employer is generously hosting a fundraiser for their adoption this Friday night. It sounds very fun! We are going and we have tickets to sell also. Let me know if you would like tickets.