She Needed Me

The girls had their first hour-long home school co-op class (drawing) this past Tuesday (its a once a week class). They had been looking very forward to it and of course Zoe had been trying to convince me that she should stay there all day. :) When we got to their class, guess who was hanging onto me with both hands, scared out of her sweet little mind? Yes, my Zoe. As the class was starting, I if she wanted me to wait outside the class by the window so she could still see me. She did. I told her I could stay as long as she needed and she could wave me off when she was ready for me to go. Twice, as I stood at the window, she looked up at me for reassurance. After about 10 minutes, I saw the girls talk and then Claire waved at me that I could go.

As I drove off, I felt more like Zoe's mom than I ever have in the past 10.5 months. I was filled with incredible hope and joy because MY GIRL NEEDED ME. AND SHE DEPENDED ON ME for those 20 minutes before and after her class started. I was her lifeline in those moments. Oh, the joy for this mom!

As I drove off filled with more hope than I have had in awhile, I also felt like God gave me spiritual eyes to see all the love, trust, care, nurture and structure that I have poured into her for the last ten months. God helped me see that it is all still in her . . . it has not been in vain (contrary to how I feel a lot). He encouraged me to keep believing that SHE WILL TRUST ME  - it is just going to continue to take a lot of time.

Observing Zoe in that classroom (and at two different social events this past weekend - hiding) has reminded me of an important truth about attachment. A secure attachment with a parent is the basis for all other relationships. Kids are not able to have healthy relationships if they do not have a secure relationship with a parent. Even with my nieces and even with a couple friends she knows from church, Zoe struggles to have normal/real/healthy relationships with them right now.

God has used these observations to encourage me to keep on making attachment our number one focus right now. Even when I feel misunderstood by people who don't understand why our kids aren't in public school or why the girls don't read yet or why they don't have many friends yet. I feel like we are walking a road much less traveled, but I know it is the best path for our family right now.