November 29, 2011

(Written last night but edited this morning to take out some detais because we have decided to not share so many details of what happened - which is hard for me because I am a detail person and I like to be honest – but it is the right thing to do.)

When Jason came home from work tonight he asked how I was doing and I said, “I am doing pretty well. Considering how the day went, I should not be doing as well as I am.” That is evidence of God’s divine power continuing to provide everything I need for this new life.

I had a very difficult time with one of the girls . . . a total of 3 hours worth of a difficult time today. Fortunately and even now, God’s grace has allowed me to feel compassion for her soul that is in turmoil. A lot of the stuff I read previously helped me to understand the immense amount of shame kids from hard places feel (on top of the shame from sin, which we all have). I so badly wanted to share the gospel today and let her know that Jesus died for her sin and shame. But, I couldn’t. So, as I sat there with her and rubbed her back, hugged her and loved her, I prayed the gospel over her and I prayed that God would show His unfailing love to her . . . that He would help her know she is treasured by Him . . . that He delights in her . . . that He created her in His image to bring Him glory. I am so powerless to do the work that needs to be done in her heart. But, our Lord can do it. (My friend has encouraged me to pray out loud for and over the kids and read Scripture over them, especially when they are having a hard time.)

All of this – my attitude toward her, the compassion I have for her, the fact that all three other kids were happily and contently playing/learning English when all of this was going on is nothing short of the power of God at work in my home. God is coming through for us each hour of the day!

I announced we were going outside after lunch and got huge cheers and high fives. We went to the little tiny park by my friend, Jill’s, house and spent an hour there (which is a long time for the girls to spend at a park when they aren't riding their bikes). All four kids went down the slide probably 50 times or more and LOVED each and every trip down. It is so awesome to see the girls – in moments like this - relive the younger years of their lives that they missed out on. Watching them swing the first couple weeks and now sliding . . . I can just see 4-5 year old girls in their eyes. A friend (the one who has given me loads of advice) I talked to today said that you cannot underestimate the healing that comes for older kids getting to play like preschoolers. That was encouraging to hear. And it is good for their bodies to have all that movement (that they likely never had). AND, I should say in my former life going outside in this weather to play would be about the last thing I would ever want to do. But, in my new life, bundling up to go outside in 30 degree weather is a wonderful gift. So thankful God has changed something in me with that. J A perk of going to that park was me getting to chat with Jill, who came out for a little bit.

Difficult behavior started again when we got home. But, my friend (from afar who I talked to on the phone today) had just got done telling me that this behavior comes out because she does not want to feel what she is feeling – the vulnerability of having to trust and obey. I read Psalm 16 over her as she laid on her bed this afternoon (here are verses 5-10a):

“Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance.

I will praise the Lord, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me. I have set the Lord always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.

Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure, because you will not abandon me to the grave . . .”

The boundary lines feel anything but pleasant to my girl (which is why I chose to read that Psalm over her). {I actually read this verse a lot the first few weeks when the boundary lines were not feeling pleasant to me.} When I read the last verse above, it stopped me in my tracks. The day that her BODY can REST SECURE will be monumental . . . It will be the day she TRUSTS that neither God nor her parents will abandon her. And oh, that “a” word found in that last sentence . . . it struck a deep place within me while reading this passage over my child who has had first hand experience with that word.

Onto more lighthearted things . . . I was amazed (and thankful) for how wonderfully the boys played together ALL DAY! Wherever one was, I was sure to find the other. A friend loaned us a second Little Tikes car (so Abram doesn’t have to ride on top and fall and cut his head open!) and they had a blast, each having a car to “drive.” Abram was going to Des Moines to the office. J

Claire helped me make a wreath, which was fun. I got a bunch of evergreen branches free when we bought our Christmas tree and wanted to make a wreath for the front door. I have never done that before, but hey, I’m HOME now. J Mom got me a wire template-thing to use for it. Claire also helped me make 2.5 batches of banana muffins before dinner . . . because since she loves them and ate the last two earlier today. Zoe improved her English score which was a highlight for her. And she finally found her little black dolls (a family of five and the dolls are smaller than Barbies . . . I found these online and bought them before the kids come home and she LOVES them) so she was back to being creative, playing with them the hour before dinner – which was wonderful!

I noticed today that Isaiah is understanding a lot more English. Hallelujah! While I was putting his p-pops on him I ran through the new scenario for bedtime (again after talking to my friend on the phone today). I told him I would give him milk and hold him for awhile and then put him in his bed. I said I would rub his face a little and then leave. And I told him he couldn’t get out of bed, that he needed to sleep in his own bed all night. He was totally tracking with my whole conversation and said, “okay,” a number of times. Woohoo!! After I gave him his milk, I ran through what was going to happen again. I laid him down and rubbed his face and could tell he was a little uneasy (he always scratches his head or chest or face when he is nervous/uneasy) but I told him repeatedly I am right here in the house and he can say my name if he needs anything. It is over an hour later and he fell asleep without any whining/crying. Wow! If he would have started whining, I would have gone to his door and told him that his is okay, I am right here, etc. and basically let him whine/cry it out like we did with Abram once we wanted him to sleep through the night. I feel good about this plan (at least for now) because I think we are past the initial stage with him. We’ll see how it goes in the coming nights.

I didn’t plan ahead of time to talk through the “scenario” with him, but as I was talking him through what was going to happen I remembered that Dr. Purvis highly recommends doing this. I know I should do it more with the girls during the day to help them know what we are going to specifically do. I think they understand enough English to at least try. I also think it would continue to improve their responses to my direction because it reduces anxiety. Need to work on that.

Often times when I go to bed I think of things that could be done better from the day, but fortunately I simultaneously hear the voice of my friend (same friend!) who said that learning to parent kids who are not attached is a huge learning curve (as is any kind of parenting for that matter). So, I keep that in mind and don’t get too bent out of shape. I just trust God that He will lead and guide me the next day. As you can see, He totally is. I almost feel like I’m having an out of body experience sometimes because most of the day it is not me doing what I am doing. God is doing it through me. I did expect parenting in this new life to be a lot about working out difficult issues like the ones I dealt with today. So, having that expectation has helped. And, again, having a very simple life and schedule allows me – by the grace of God - to spend a total of three hours on a day like today dealing with the distress of having been an orphan. I'm so thankful for God's provision and wisdom in all these things.

After dinner we tried a little family reading time and it went pretty well. Afterward while a couple kids were finishing brushing their teeth, Claire and Isaiah were in the kitchen looking at my computer. I have no idea what prompted me, but the thought of showing them them the pictures from Congo that are on Sonja’s (our agency program director) Facebook page struck me. They didn’t know most of the younger kids, but Claire knew most of the older ones, who were all boys (which to be honest, scared the life out of me!). There was one picture of a very dingy concrete space and she motioned that it was familiar. She was trying to come up with the word and I said, “orphanage?” She said yes. I said (thumbs up) good? Or (thumbs down) bad? She gave me a big thumbs down. Zoe came a little later along with Jason and we all looked at all the pictures again. I cannot even begin to express all of the emotions I had watching my children, standing in my kitchen, look at pictures of a horrible place they spent part of their life in. It is almost too overwhelming. But, out of that comes . . .

#6 Reason I’m thankful we adopted older kids: They can remember parts of their past and (once they can speak English) will be able to tell us (possibly, through God's grace). Though a potentially painful experience for them, their past is still a valuable part of their life story. Just even getting to see the girls point out the people and places they knew was a blessing (that younger kids would not able to do).

November 28, 2011

After our morning routine and helping the boys do their laundry J, all four kids played in the back room for about an hour. I decided to forgo the “schedule” and just let them play since we are transitioning back into real life today. The boys were playing (trains) very well together. Before the kids came I remember saying that once Abram gets over the adjustment he will love having a brother to keep him company while he plays and today I got to see it. And how I loved seeing it! I also cracked up when as he was playing he was telling his trains to say “I’m sorry.” Abram has gotten plenty of practice with those words over the past four weeks!

After the girls took baths, one of them wanted to wear shorts for the day. When I told her that she couldn’t (we were about to go run errands), she moved away from me and did her pout/fit thing. I made her sit on the bed as a consequence (which meant me physically dragging her to her bed) and went to her every five minutes to ask if she was ready to say, “okay, mom.” I also laid out two other options of pants for her. I probably went to her 6 or 7 times to see if she was ready to say, “okay, mom” before she finally said it. Each time I went to her, though, I knelt down and gently rubbed her back and her legs and tried to show her as much compassion as I could. I even prayed outloud for her once (and silently many times). During that half hour, each time I went to her and she refused to say, OKAY, I knew a battle was taking place in her soul. Though I couldn’t physically see it, my spirit (through the Holy Spirit) sensed it. The stronghold of “I’m the only one who can take care of me,” was being confronted. In the past she would not even let me sit near her or touch her during a time like this, so the fact that she let me try to comfort her in the midst of her inner turmoil was a HUGE baby step. She also had a few tears in her eyes most of the time, too. It was almost like a tiny part of her was starting to want to give in to me being her mom but that darn stronghold is not going to go down without a fight . . . which brings these verses to mind as I am writing this:

"The LORD will fight for you, you need only be still.” (Exodus 14:14)

“For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. (Ephesians 6:12)”

My role is to be still and let Jesus fight this battle for my child’s trust. And God totally provided the wisdom I needed to handle the situation the best I could. More than anything, He gave me peace and calm that has not always been there when I have to confront this child. He is indeed being faithful today to do what I trusted Him for last night (and this morning):

“His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness according to our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.” (2 Peter 1:3)

{I like this version better than the one I posted last night.}

He is providing all that I need!

I had a few more episodes similar to this with the same daughter before rest time. When she does not get her way (like with the shorts) and I set a boundary, she often will almost try harder to grasp for her way afterward. After lunch she had to sit on the bench for 10 minutes but she didn’t completely freak out about it like in the recent past. Shortly after that, I had to set another boundary and she started to turn to walk away and then decided to obey. HALLELUJAH! I could almost see in her face that she knew that I was serious about the boundary line and she knew she couldn’t win. So, there is a big victory for the day. I know there are many more battles to come, but I don’t dread them. Jesus will fight them and they are productive battles, moving us toward healing and trust.

Before we left for errands, I found Claire in the bathroom putting her hair in little poofs. I loved that she had the idea to do this and I thought it looked so cute. So, I gave her tons of praise and told her how much I liked it and that it was such a great idea. The look in her eyes was priceless. Let me see if I can try to describe it . . . I saw confidence in her eyes, perhaps the satisfaction of having a mom in her life to find pleasure in her. God created each of us to have parents to show us His love and pleasure (and discipline when we need it). Children from hard places, who most likely had parents who left them, can have a very hard time knowing they are valued and treasured. That is what I saw in Claire’s eyes . . . I saw that she saw I treasured her. And it was worth every heartache so far.

Rest time went well . . . all four fell asleep. I wrote Sonja, from our agency, and asked if there is anyway the girls could talk to Marie, the main attorney getting it all done in C. Every time the girls see a picture of Marie they put their hand up to their ear like they are talking on the phone . . . meaning they want to talk to her. This has happened a number of times so I decided to see if we could do it. Marie is headed back to Congo tomorrow so she ended up calling today, during snack time, which was perfect! And I cannot tell you the joy it brought to me – because it brought a lot of joy to the kids. You’ll see it in the pictures (when I am able to post them). What a wonderful gift from God today.

After that we bundled up and went to the park. A good friend is loaning us her double jogging stroller so we don’t look like quite the parade/circus doing down the street. We played at the park for about 45 minutes and then the kids played outside in the driveway for another 30 minutes. Claire road her bike up and down the sidewalk and the other three did a surprisingly great job of trading off with the other riding toys. It was a fun afternoon. After dinner we all played Chutes and Ladders at the kitchen table. Everyone enjoyed it (the little boys had cars so that kept them occupied in between spinning) - except for Zoe when she had to slide down the chutes. :)

It is a beautiful thing seeing a family starting to form around here. I’m feeling a lot less like there are just six people living under one roof (which is definitely how it felt in the beginning). Yes, there are still challenges and lots of lack of communication and lots of things to deal with now and down the road when we can explain things more. BUT, we are becoming a family . . . laughing together, crying together, forgiving one another, loving one another (the girls have started giving us hugs from time to time) the beginnings of serving one another (Abram threw Isaiah’s banana peel away for him and then later Isaiah helped Abram put his shoe on . . . incredibly minor details that were a big deal in my world today). I can already see how being home spending TONS of time tether with no where to have to be, as well as not having the kids be around others has contributed greatly to our family starting to form.

I am very thankful.

November 27, 2011

I tried to get Zoe to take her earring out or find the other one this morning, but she was not having it so I didn't push it. Going to church went great. We had been listening the last several days to several of the songs that we sang at church (thanks to Todd Wallace!) and it was fun to see the girls try to sing along a little. Actually one of the girls was sort of making fun of the other for trying to sing. It was a NEW thing so it might her a little uncomfortable, I think. I have read that you should only introduce one new thing at a time for kids from hard places and boy have I seen that to be true!

In addition the girls wanting to go, Jason and I love being able to go worship and also see friends (who are our family) even if we can talk much. Since we sit up in the family friendly area (because we are keeping Isaiah with us) we usually hang out up there after the service to miss the big crowd exiting. Today a couple people came and chatted with us which worked really well because the kids could walk around. (HINT: If you want to talk to us, come up there after the 9:00a service!) We also hung out with the Scotts a little at church afterward, which was really great. The girls seemed semi-happy to see “Scott” (aka Owen) and Claire even asked Maria to hold Gibson (which I loved seeing!). Seeing just five of the Congolese kids running around at church was such a wonderful sight. It made me excited when all 20 some of the Congolese kids being adopted can hang out together!!

Jason played the dime/dice game with the kids while I made lunch. Right before lunch, Isaiah was standing on the stool by the stove “helping” and I guess put the ladel in the soup in a way that made some of the soup splatter on him, causing six blisters on his chest and two little burn spots on his face. Poor guy.

The girls were begging to go outside after lunch and Jason took them even though it was really cold – and they were not wearing enough clothes. After the boys woke up from naps we did our weekly weekend family outing for ice cream. We also stopped by Target because I needed to get a few things. I was telling Jason about what I said in last night’s blog post about the way people look at me in stores with all four kids. And he knew just what I was talking about when he pushed the (semi-like) cart with the boys in the toddler seats, Zoe in the infant/toddler part of the cart and Claire standing on the end of the cart. We were again, quite the sight! Thankfully, I am okay with it now.

While I was tracking down hot chocolate, I lost Jason and the kids and then found them in the toy section. Great. The girls were begging for more Barbie dolls clothes. This is where being able to speak to our girls with more than, “no thanks,” would be incredibly helpful. Instead, we stood there and tried to explain that we don’t have money to just buy things like that whenever they want. Jason said, “do you want to eat or do you want that?” Of course they wanted the doll clothes instead of eating. J We headed to the check-out lanes with two girls with very bad attitudes and Isaiah whining because he saw something he saw that he wanted, too. As we were walking out of Target, I was reflecting on how the condition of my girls’ hearts was nearly identical to that of my own just this last week, wanting a different life than the one God is giving me. They wanted what they did not have. They were not content with having just been taken out for ice cream and given many other wonderful gifts this past month. When they are home, they are fine not having more doll clothes. But seeing all the doll clothes out in the world made them want it. Just like me. When I see other families out there in the world, I am tempted to want what they have and not be content with what I have. I almost chuckled walking out of the store thinking about the smile that must have been on God’s face knowing that He is teaching me just as much as we were trying to teach our kids in that moment.

The bad attitudes continued before, during and after dinner. One of the girls kept asking for a number of things to eat after she had already had her limit. She was still grasping for control, upset at not getting what she wanted. Fortunately, the girls asked me for Christmas lights for the little tree I gave them for their room and I was able to spend the next 30 minutes or so helping them put them up. They were very excited about the lights, especially since after putting them on the tree, we strung them along a couple walls of their room. It was a good time of connecting with them after the big disconnection earlier.

I am at nearing my wit’s end with Isaiah and his sleeping. I’m sending out an email to a couple of adoptive moms before I got to bed because I need HELP. I was back to holding him, but the last four nights after I give him milk, etc. he gets out of my lap and wants to go to his bed (or our bed). Last night I started laying him down in our room with more lights on because Abram likes to sleep with it very dark (we trained him to do that) but I’m pretty sure the darkness scares Isaiah. Isaiah has been waking up the last few nights in the middle of the night. Last night at 12:51a, he woke up, I took him to the bathroom as always and then sat with him in his room so he could go back to sleep. But, he was not going back to sleep. So, I took him to our room and put him on the floor right beside me. He still did his little whine/cry thing. So, after an hour of all this, I finally put him in bed by me and I got the worst sleep ever. This pattern can’t continue. I am willing to go the extra mile for bonding but at this point I’m not sure what that is. So I am turning to those who have gone before me, hoping they can help! Part of the problem is that he takes a pretty long nap. But, I don’t make him nap. I simply sit him on the bed with books and he falls asleep, which makes me think he is tired and needs the nap. Maybe I should wake him up after an hour. Might have to try that.

Going to bed early tonight so I can finally get up early and get back to my normal early morning routine. What a gift to have Jason home for FOUR days in a row. I imagine tomorrow will be tough, but I am trusting in this:

“His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.” (2 Peter 1:3)

He will give me everything I need to make it through tomorrow.

Someone must have taken this before church this morning (while I was straightening Claire's hair).
I tried to get a picture of Claire holding Gibson but he was on his way out of her arms. :) I love the smile on her face.
This is what I found when I went to check on Isaiah during his rest time/nap. Cutest picture ever!
The girls outside doing what they LOVE to do!
Here comes Zoe across the street.