December 9, 2011

Friday

Today the boys wanted their picture taken with their hands in their pockets. Too cute!

And Zoe is always up for getting her picture taken when the camera is out.
I made homemade pizza for dinner and the kids liked it. So, hooray for adding one more meal to the menu around here!

December 8th, 2011

In case you haven't guessed it yet, this blog of mine is going to turn into my photo album at the end of the year (or sometime). I decided a few weeks ago I am not doing a separate photo album on Picaboo like I usually do. So, thanks for bearing with all the details and pictures. This will end up also being part of the kids' lifebooks. Sometimes when I take pictures (of things that are so mundane) I feel like I am taking "baby" pictures of my kids. :)

We tried going to Kate's house in the afternoon, but it didn't go so well. One of my girls has a hard time when Mya is around (we went after school) so I knew this might be the case. I think because Mya is close to the girls' age, one of my daughters either compares herself to Mya or feels like she doens't fit in or something. I really don't know. But, I know I need to be sensitive to it. She asked to "drive" (meaning she wanted to go home) shortly after we got there so we didn't stay long. This is a little bit sad/hard for me, but I have to remember that what my kids are going through is much harder.

I finally got around to including "fu-fu" (the African food the kids have been asking for) in dinner. Fortunately, it doesn't take long to make. You boil water, pour in the cassava flour and corn flour and stir. But, there is quite the technique involved to stirring. And placing the pot on the floor is necessary!
Can you tell they were excited? They were all down there, close to the pot!

And then Isaiah went and put on Abram's crocs (which he has refused to wear in the past) to help hold the pot in place while Claire stirred. I love the look on Claire's face looking at Isaiah. She is becoming such a sweet oldest sister!
Zoe coordinated a picture with all of them.
And here is how you eat it . . . take a piece, make a ball with it in your hand . . .
Tear off a piece of fish (or chicken, etc.) . . .
Grab a bit of the spinach-tomato-onion dish that Claire taught me how to make (they love it and I love that they are eating spinach!) . . .
And EAT!!

They loved it so much! Isaiah scarfed it down. It has absolutely no taste whatsoever but it was fun having a fully African meal. We continue to be quite the culturally-mixed family. And I am continually thankful for my two years of experience living in Thailand. I can't tell you how many times (often daily) that experience has been beneficial in this new life. God is so good!

We had our first post-placement visit with our social worker. While we were waiting for her to arrive, Zoe and Isaiah were jumping and spinning around with Jason in the front room, while Claire and Abram were listening to worship music in the kitchen. I was sitting in between the two rooms, taking it all in and enjoying each minute.

Claire and Abram are developing a very special bond. It is so sweet to see.

Zoe ended up sitting in Jason's lap and they had an awesome conversation (in the little, but growing English Zoe has) about the kids' lives in Congo. I don't know how it got started (and I came into it in the middle), but Zoe said that she was in 4th grade in school. After school they ate bread and tea and then Claire would play with her friends and Zoe would play ball with Isaiah and some of the other kids in the home. She told us the names of three other kids (plus Owen) who lived in the home. This little conversation took quite awhile because she would have to take quite a bit of time to think about what words to use to say what she wanted to say, going from English to Lingala and then back to English coming out of her mouth. We were both surprised she was able to communicate as much as she was. And she had such a peaceful and joyful look on her face while she was telling us these things. It was so cool and made me excited for the time that they can tell us more about their time in Congo.

Our time with our social worker went well. In sharing about a number of things regarding the kids, it made me realize that while they have been home just six weeks, it feels like a lifetime of things have happened. Overall, I am very surprised that we are doing as well as we are at this point. Shocked, to be honest. If you know me well, you know that I expected the worst and knew it would be very hard. And the first three weeks certainly were. There are still challenges. And at the end of each day, I am pretty wiped out (like most moms out there!).

But, there is so much GOOD in this new life. Relying on Jesus and trusting Him for things I never had to before and then watching Him come through tops my list. I cherish the little joys and beautiful moments as God forms our family. Also, the ages of our kids has surprisingly allowed more down-time in my day than I ever expected. The boys can play together on their own for short periods of time (enough for me to take a shower or do a load of laundry, etc.) and the girls could play on their own ALL DAY LONG if I let them. (Quite different from when they first got here.)

Our social worker, Leah, asked us how we are attaching to each child, which was a good question to think about. Clearly, I feel that I've attached most with Isaiah because I do more during the day to care for him. Claire and my personalities are similar so I feel like I understand her more than Zoe and can bond with her in that way. Zoe asks me for help with more things than Claire so I am able to bond with her in those ways. It is more challenging for Jason to bond with Isaiah because I typically meet most of his needs but Jason does a good job being intentional with him. And Jason and the girls . . . he is incredible with them. He loves to be funny with them and take them outside for hours to play on the weekends, etc. I am so grateful for him! But, we are still a long way from "attached" yet. One tangible example is that the girls still don't give hugs or even return a hug that we give them. And that is okay. God gives me grace to not let it bother me and still be intentional about hugging them several times throughout the day.

A friend (who is in the adoption process) asked me the other day if the kids feel like my kids yet. (Another good question!) I said, 'yes.' It has been a gradual process - and we are still very much in process but yes, they do feel like my kids. And I am so grateful God gave us these three kids.

I follow a blog (many of you probably do, too) that God is using to shape me a lot in this new life. Something I read this week rang true in my life:

"That’s one of the truth wonders of the Greatest Story ever told:

That the only way to make a thing loveable — is to wildly love it.

And this loving a life because of the Giver of it? This is what makes life a loveable thing.

The candles flicker light in the windows and I fall in love with the Giver of the all the moments, with all this living."

God is teaching me to fall in love with Him, the Giver of all the moments. And as He gives me grace to love my kids . . . the more loveable they become to me.

Learning & Adjusting

After seeking out some more wisdom (from my CA friend) a few weeks ago about our kids not seeing any of our family members, we learned more and adapted our plan a little. We are learning the point is not to NOT see or be around close family/friends, but the point is to be very careful about the interactions those friends/family have with the kids. (Besides not hugging the kids and acting excited to see them, it is really important that mom and Kate, or others, don’t feed our kids or help them with any needs they have – I have to be the one to do that.) So, I intentionally had Kate, Syd and Grey come over for lunch last week, my mom stopped by one night and we went to my mom’s office today. All of these went well. Being around mom and Kate helps the kids to know they are important people in our lives, but the way mom and Kate interact with them help the kids to not be confused about who to attach to. Mom and Kate are doing a great job of being nice but not being as outwardly loving as they would love to be. :)

Shortly after I posted (a couple weeks or so ago) that we learned it would be best for other family members/friends to not hug or be excited to see our kids, I got a couple responses in support of that seemingly ‘crazy’ idea (and I totally understand that it seems crazy . . . it seemed crazy to me at first, too). I thought I would post them here in case they will be helpful to others.

Someone who follows my blog (please email me here so I can answer your question) wrote the following:

“We adopted a 3 and 4 yr. old two years ago. We are still dealing with the attachment issues and behavior issues . . . When you talk about not letting others hug your children or act excited to see them it all makes since as after 2 years we still don't have that mother-daughter attachment bond and she is struggling with every relationship she has.”

The second response came from a friend of mine who asked a friend of hers (who adopted) about the very strict no visitor/very little interaction policy we have going on. The adoptive mom said if she had to do it again, she would do it this way. She realizes now they should have been a lot more strict about these things in the beginning.

Both my mom and sister said it helped to hear these things - because it is very hard for them to not see us much. This helped them know it is worth it.

I share these things in the effort that they might help others finding themselves with the same questions we have had (namely, how to parent kids who are not yet attached/from hard places). I was helped to know how to attempt this task in HUGE, HUGE, HUGE ways by a few (Christ-centered) families who have gone before us. Everything we are doing is just stuff that those who have more experience have passed on (mostly through blogs/emails). This new life has been comprised of lots of learning and adjusting, learning and adjusting, learning and adjusting. And most importantly, seeking God’s wisdom. While my friend from CA has given me tons of great advice, she has always encouraged me to seek God’s wisdom above all. God’s Word is the authority on parenting and on hurt children.

As you probably know, I did a lot of reading and researching to prepare for this new life. And it has definitely been helpful. Very helpful. But, after six weeks of having our kids home (which is a blip in the bucket), here is what I now wish I would have known from day one (some of this I read about, some not)– again, in case this can help others:

1. Set very firm boundaries (very little, to no, choices)

2. Give as much nurture as you possibly can

3. Have a very simple routine, staying home as much as possible, with few visitors and lots of play

4. Pray a lot – for your kids, with your kids, over your kids

5. Seek God’s wisdom (about your kids’ needs and how to parent them)

While there are many other important things, you can only keep a few things in mind at a time and those are my top five (at this point at least).

I’m thankful for the ups and downs that helped us get to this place. And heaven knows we will continue to learn and adjust how we parent our kids (doesn’t everyone?!). It is the ‘firm boundary’ part that has surprised me the most. I feel like I didn’t read much about that in my preparation. And I am now realizing it is one of the most important things. It is hard to do at first and causes difficult behaviors to rise to the surface at times (or often, depending on the week!), but it helps the kids feel safe and secure knowing the adults in their life are in charge and they don't have to be.