Girls' Day

God gave me a wonderful gift yesterday . . . a road trip back home and an entire day with Kate and all four girls. 

When I first got the invitation to my cousin's baby shower, I was sure there was no way my girls and I could go. We were in the midst of major difficulty and we had decided to not go anywhere for quite awhile. (I still don't take the kids on any errands that they have to get out of the car for - to many opportunities for control and manipulation at this point.)

But, going on road trips with my sister is one of my FAVORITE things in the world to do. We used to do it a lot. You know, when all of our kids and the two of us fit in one big vehicle. We would have to rent a bus now to do that. Knowing that this is one of the only times in at least a year that just Kate and her girls would be making the trip back home, I prayed and talked to Jason about it. We decided if all went well in the days leading up to Saturday, the girls and I would go. I knew my girls being with Mya and Sydney would distract them from crazy behaviors for the most part. The cost would be one less day of therapeutic parenting at home (evidently the way we are parenting the girls to help them heal from their past and from RAD is called therapeutic parenting). 

After last Tuesday night's horrible and beautiful episode, we had a fairly good week. Holding to the firm boundary that night and providing more nurture lowered the control and manipulation from that daughter quite a bit the rest of the week (which was pretty cool to see, in itself). The control and manipulation wasn't CONSTANT like it had been previously. I know it helped that it was 70+ degrees everyday and we went to two parks per day. By Friday I felt confident about making the trip. Of course, I didn't tell my girls about the trip until 4:00p on Friday (we were leaving early Saturday morning). The girls and I had good bonding time picking out the clothes they would wear on Friday afternoon.

At the shower.

 How the girls entertained themselves (of course they took this picture).

Most of the people at the shower were women who have known Kate and I since before we were born. We've been back a number of times with Kate's kids. But, they all still asked, "Now which ones are yours and which ones are Katie's (we are Jenny and Katie back home - ha!)?" I so badly wanted to say, "Well, the white ones are Kate's and the black ones are mine." But I refrained!

Walking from the shower to our aunt and uncle's house.

The girls with my cousin, Kayla, who is pregnant. 

The girls sat right there and watched two movies while Kayla, Kate, my aunt Janell and I talked from 12:30-5:00p. It was such a wonderful blessing! My brother and other cousins were there for a bit and then my dad came over, too. 

Dad took us to dinner in Council Bluffs. The girls ran off all of their energy in the field next door. 

TJ Maxx happened to be right by where we ate, so we snuck in a little shopping before we headed back home with very sleepy girls.

I could not have asked for a better day. My girls did great. Of course they had a blast with Mya and Sydney. And there were even some signs of progress in the attachment department. No meltdowns or stubborn control episodes. Several times Zoe reached to hold my hand when we were out in public and Claire would look back to check in with me after she started walking away to go do something. Such little, "normal" things in most people's worlds. But big evidence that I am becoming the anchor for my girls' hearts and the one they are beginning to trust.

 PRAISE THE LORD!

Random Stuff

- The girls want me to cut Abram's eye lashes because they are really long and the they think only girls should have long eye lashes.

- We are just now using up the last of the toilet paper a few different people gave us shortly after the kids come home. It is a fun reminder of the goodness God poured out on us through so many people providing things we needed in those first few weeks.

- We had "Operation: Clothing Upheaval" yesterday. Out with clothes for the cold, in with clothes for hot weather. I handed down a pile of my winter clothes to my oldest daughter for next year. WHAT?!? That was certainly not something I anticipated I would be doing.

- While on the subject of clothes I just have to say a HUGE THANK YOU to the number of people who have given us clothes for the girls over the past many months. It has been such a blessing to have a stash of extra clothes in the basement for when the girls need something. If the stash doesn't have what they need then I put it on my Goodwill list. You either love the hunt for a great bargain at Goodwill or you loathe it, right? I'm a lover. I usually try to get my grocery shopping and other errands done in time on Friday nights so I can  stop at Goodwill before it closes at 9:00p. I search for and only buy the good stuff, like a pair 4T Gap jeans in perfect condition for $1.69. Or a super cute Puma exercise outfit for Isaiah for $1.69. I usually only buy a couple things at a time and the time spent searching is therapeutic. And I admit it . . . finding really nice clothing for less than $2.00 each (for the kids) is a bit of a high for me!

- Last night at dinner one of the girls said her "licker" hurt. She was referring to her tongue. Jason and I laughed and laughed! Sometimes I don't want them to learn to speak English really well because some of the things they say are so cute and/or funny. Lickers is a great example of how their language is coming along. They know how to communicate just about anything they want . . . it just doesn't usually sound like normal English. My mom has said that when she comes over she often can't understand what they say. But, we understand because we are with them all the time. The language barrier hasn't really been an issue since since about month two.

- We still eat 15 eggs as a family for breakfast everyday!

- The girls were astonished to learn a few weeks ago that the trees in our backyard are not avocado or orange trees. They were quite disappointed. Claire keeps begging us to get orange trees. Don't we wish?!

Jesus is Moving the Mountain

I read this incredible blog post last night. Hope and Healing for Attachment Disorders - An Interview with an Adopted Child and Her Mom. After her daughter was fully attached, the mom interviewed her (at 13 years  old) to ask her what it was like to live with RAD before she was attached. An interesting read for anyone, but a must-read for anyone within the adoption realm. Or anyone who wants to know what goes on in my world! I felt like I was reading my daughters' minds when I read the first half of the interview.

It was really interesting to me to read what made the girl change and it gave me new things to pray for my daughters. The sabotage question was equally interesting because that is starting to happen a lot. Every time I have a good connection with the girls, I might as well count on an ugly episode. The good feelings of connection freak them out because they have only ever lost their connections with caretakers in the past.

I read the blog post above around 10:30p last night, minutes after I tucked one of my daughters in bed after a two-hour RAD episode. It was both parts horrible and beautiful, as is becoming the pattern. The horrible, ugly part included 30 minutes of raging and 30 minutes of silence. It shook me up a bit because it was right before bed time and I knew there was no way we could let her go to bed mad. I reminded myself that faith is being sure of what I hope for and certain of what I do not see (Hebrews 11:1). I could not see how this was going to end, but I prayed for God to come through, to soften her heart, to help her submit. I prayed for Jesus to break the strongholds and bring healing.

On my third attempt to go to my child to talk to her, she dove head-first into my lap and buried her head in my chest. She curled up and let me hold her tight and rock her for a long time. I wanted to sob. My poor baby girl tried to be so mad, but deep down she is so incredibly hurt, sad and broken.

Need I say again the distress of orphans is devastating.

But, Jesus. He is Healer. And He is working. And I am crying as I reflect on seeing His hand move last night alone. Only He can move this enormous mountain called I dare not trust my parents because I have been so hurt in the past.

I moved us to the rocking chair and continued to rock my sweet girl for 45 minutes while I fed her oranges (she literally let me feed her) and lemonade and we looked at her favorite book together. When we finished the book and got up from the chair, it dawned on me . . .

I had been praying for three days for more opportunities for nurture with this specific child. Yesterday during nap time, I sat in the bathroom and desperately cried out to God for wisdom and more nurture with her. Without big amounts of nurture, kids can't attach, but kids who are not attached and scared of attachment are good at meandering their way around mom's efforts to nurture. She had been rarely letting me rock her with candy like I do with my other daughter and her controlling efforts were sky-high lately causing me to pull back a little with eye contact. I was just realizing all of this a few days ago and began praying for more nurture.

God  heard my cries for help and He came through. I did not enjoy the way that it came about. It was certainly not what I had in mind. But, God did it. He provided more nurture with her than I have had with this daughter since she has been home.

This morning I found her making my bed. I went to her as she finished, thanked her and gave her a big hug. And she hugged me back in return for the first time ever.

My whole being will exclaim, "Who is like you, O LORD?

You rescue the poor from those too strong for them,

the poor and needy from those who rob them."

Psalm 35:10

(What I happened to have read this morning!)