My wonderful friend, Jill, sent me two blog posts in the last 24 hours that God has used to speak to my heart. Go is revealing to me - through these posts and His Word - that He has a lot of work to do in my heart, namely with my issue with fear. And He is using my kids' distress to do it. Here is the first post, specifically on fear. Here is an  excerpt from the second post:


There’s a God-Man on the other side of this discomfort, waiting to meet me. And the greatest lie keeping me from Him is the belief that if my circumstances (big or small) would change, I would find the freedom I crave.


He is what I crave.

The words "freedom" and "crave" hit me so deeply because a number of times the past two days, I have been craving/longing for the day that the girls are attached and past this behavior that is so unbelievably difficult for me to know how to handle. I have thought that once that happens, I will be free. Not free from parenting them, but free from the deep anxiety of parenting them with all of their post-adoption issues. Lie exposed. God is using my circumstances to draw me closer to Him so that come what may - attachment or even no attachment - He is all I crave. Whew. I've got a long way to go.

He continued speaking to me this morning in my Jesus Calling devotional:
You are on the right path. Listen more to Me, and less to your doubts. I am leading you along the way I designed just for you. Therefore, it is a lonely way, humanly speaking. But I go before you as well as alongside you, so you are never alone.


Peace flooded my soul.

I also meditated on 2 Peter 1:3-7 . . . His divine power has given me everything I need for life and godliness. I do not have to fear that I will not know how to respond to my kids' behavior. God has given me everything I need.
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Four Months

In case anyone is counting, our kids came home four months ago today.

Jason and the three kids (Abram wimped out) made this snow-woman (as the girls called it) on Saturday. I must say it was one of the cutest snowmen that I've seen. 

I really don't have any thoughts on that milestone. I'm just thankful for the grace God gave me to get through today. It was another incredibly rough day with the girls. I felt like I was treading water all day, barely hanging on. But, I can say that God's grace was sufficient. The kids are in bed and I am still breathing. Jason called me on his way home (he had to work late) just a little bit ago and I was sobbing on the phone with him. After I calmed down, I heard the girls' bedroom door open. They heard me crying and wanted to know why. I fumbled my response.

I will say it again. God's grace is sufficient. He provided wisdom after I asked (after I possibly blew it . . . I don't know if I did or not and that is part of the problem!) and a little victory at the end of the night with one of the girls. I am trusting His faithfulness for tomorrow. He listens to my cry for help.

For he has not despised or disdained the suffering of the afflicted one; he has not hidden his face from him but has listened to his cry for help. Psalm 22:24

What I'm Thinking About Today

But I trust in you, O Lord;

I say, 'You are my God.'My times are in your hands;

Psalm 31:14-15a

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body.

2 Corinthians 4:8-11

Last night I printed off a list of all the verses in the Bible that mention afflicted and distress. I need to know what God has to say to about these things as they describe much of my kids' lives and are also quickly becoming the theme of my own life. The second time "afflicted" is used in Psalms is in chapter 10, verse 17. I opened my Bible to read the verses surrounding this verse and found the rest of the sentence, well...quite relevant. 

You hear, O LORD, the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry, defending the fatherless and the oppressed, in order that man, who is of the earth, may terrify no more.

Psalm 10:17-18