I wrote most of this post this past Thursday . . .
As I continue to get to know my kids each more deeply, I am growing to know the more specific issues their little souls are up against. I have become very aware that Isaiah is incredibly insecure. Insecure like I have never seen insecure before. He has no idea how to be his own person. He does what everyone else does most of the time. If Abram is done eating, he eating (and he eats really slowly so I know he is not full) for one example. If the girls ask for something, he asks for the same thing. It is maddening and to be perfectly honest, made me not like him very much the first part of the week (which is definitely my problem, not his!).
I don't know how you help an insecure child become confident. But I can only assume it is with a ton of love, nurture, patience, praise and encouragement. But, something about his behavior pushed my buttons and caused me to respond in ways exactly opposite of what he needed the most earlier in the week. So, I have repented and humbled myself and asked God to help me love this sweet boy the way he needs to be loved. I cannot do this, but Jesus can. The last two days have been better - now that I am relying more on Jesus to give me the love and patience I need with Isaiah. I am so thankful for grace.
I am also thinking that his insecurity is actually a positive step in the right direction - growth away from the passive, compliant boy I saw a few weeks ago. So, that has helped my perspective, too. Yesterday when I laid him down for his nap with a happy/content/submissive heart towards nap time and realized he has been going down for his naps like this for way over a week - I was so encouraged. Before, at the mention of naptime he would start his little whine/cry and take a long time to get settled down. Now, when I say it is nap time he says, "okay mom." Hallelujah! He goes to bed at night SO MUCH BETTER most nights recently, too. Last night I was remembering the tedious, maddening efforts it took to get him to lay down and go to sleep, not to mention the devastating look on his face for the first two months. Praise God for the way He is working in Isaiah's life. Sadly, I sometimes don't look forward to spending the 15+ minutes each night to give him milk, hold him close, snuggle him and sing with him . . . but I can look back and know that this has had a tremendous impact on his felt safety at bedtime. He knows he can count on us to be here when he wakes up. I am thankful to be able to see progress like this. It helps me persevere with other hurdles I am facing . . .
Like Abram. Oh, my little monkey is really struggling this week. My only guess is that he has realized this little African party is here to stay. I'm seeing several behaviors that I saw the first two weeks - lots of hitting/kicking/pushing Isaiah and boatloads of whining. I think he wants/needs more attention. So, I have been more intentional about seeking him out to chase him around and wrestle with him (which he loves), as well as reading even more books with him and Isaiah. We are also going to start giving him milk before bed like Isaiah because he asks every night, "what you doing with Isaiah?" when I am about to go give Isaiah milk. I think he has become jealous of some of the special attachment things we do with Isaiah (which is understandable). I keep reminding myself he is going through a phase and that it will pass, even though it is hard to believe that at times.
A cool think happened with Zoe Tuesday night. I remember the night because it was a rough day and Jason went to bed at 7:30p. Rough day/evening for him, too. I went in to give the girls hugs in their room. Zoe was sort of standing up playing with something and when I gave her a hug, she buried her head into me and let me hold her for longer than usual. Since she did that, I sat down on the floor and asked her to sit on my lap, which she readily did. Then, I rocked her, with her head against my chest, for a long time. And she freely let me do it. By the look on her face and her body language, I sensed that she needed it. And it would not surprise me at all - knowing what I know of her past - that even at nearly 10 years old she needs her mama to rock her like a baby. It was a priceless time of bonding. And, it has encouraged me to seek her out to do that more often (which I have been able to do a couple times since last Tuesday).
It is now just after 7p on Sunday night and Jason and I are both feeling quite weary. We just put the boys to bed and are letting the girls play in their room so we can hang out, talk about things (for more than 5 scattered minutes at a time) and make a game plan for the coming week. I am feeling desperate for Jesus and His grace and wisdom to know how to stay on course.
He has come through for us every other time, so I know He will come through again in our time of need.
The Lee Three
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Just Another Day
I love the African culture that resides in our home . . . Out of nowhere yesterday morning Isaiah brought me his blanket and monkey and showed me that he wanted me to strap his monkey on his back.
Since I happened to have my camera, I snuck this picture after Claire layed her head on my leg. This seems like such a tiny, unimportant thing. . . but when you are working from zero attachment upward, little tiny things like this are a BIG deal. It made my heart very happy!
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Injuries & Attachment
Some things I've read recently in Attaching in Adoption have clarified a few things that I see regularly.
First . . .
"Children will often claim that they are quite hurt when their injury is minor. This gives them the opportunity to cry for awhile, getting a cycle of comfort developed with their parents. It helps them to get sensitive care for their hearts, if parents kiss and hug, instead of dismissing the injury. There is an injury to the heart, but at times children can only express it through injuries to fingers and knees." (Attaching in Adoption, Grey, 231)
I have known (from reading The Connected Child) that when my kids get hurt it is a good opportunity to show them affection and love - so they know this is what a mom does. Mom is here to comfort you. But, I loved what Grey said about the injury to the heart that gets expressed through other injuries. It is so true. I see this in all three of my African kids. It is sometimes tempting to want to quickly brush off their injury after giving them a kiss or quick hug.(Or even at this point, sometimes yell from the other room, "you're okay.") But, this encourages me to give more comfort and make the most of little injuries that happen because it is often their heart that is hurting, not necessarily their finger or toe.
Second . . .
"Children, who are on an emotional development curve with secure attachments, are developing trust in others and confidence in themselves. They believe that when people meet them, people will probably like them, just as they like themselves and their families like them. Children who have insecure attachments doubt that the people they meet will like them or be trustworthy, just as they doubt their own value or goodness, and their families' value and goodness." (Grey, 223)
These two attachment styles are perfectly illustrated by Abram and Isaiah right now. Abram undoubtedly believes that people will like him when they meet him (probably a little too much!). And he definitely likes himself - he thinks he is darn cute and funny. Reading this gave me more insight with Isaiah. It perfectly describes him. I have used "insecure" to describe him, in general. But, this explains the look in his face when we are with new people. And more so, I see it in little ways throughout the day. He doesn't know he is valuable. Reading what I read helps me have more compassion when I see this on his face - instead of getting frustrated when he doesn't have the "normal" reaction a three-year old (or even two-year old) should have to things.. We are making progress in this area when I hold him close and rock him at night. Doing this and singing together and laughing together with lots of eye contact has helped. But it is a slow process and it is going to take a long time for his attachment to move from insecure to secure.
From all that I've read, I started a list of things you can do (primarily from things I've read) to nurture and promote bonding and attachment with younger kids, which in turn greatly helps kids know they are valuable:
- Hold your newly adopted child as much as he will let you and/or as much as he needs (even after several months). I still try to hold Isaiah more than I would normally hold a three year old.
- Hold them close and rock them before bed. Give him a bottle or sippy cup (that he can suck) with warm, sweet milk. I still do this with Isaiah. I've started wrapping him up in his blanket while I hold him, give him milk and sing with him before bed. I haven't read to do this anywhere, but most of the things on this list are things that you would do with an infant . . . and infants like to be wrapped up tightly, so it seems like a good idea to me!
- Lots and lots and lots of eye contact. I'm not so intentional about this anymore, but could be.
- Feed him yourself a lot . . . with lots of eye contact. I fed Isaiah at every meal for the first two months! I didn't start out intending to feed Isaiah at every meal that and I don't think you have to do this all the time or for as long as I did. But Isaiah has some pretty deep needs so it was good for us to do this. (He now eats on his own for the most part.) Kids who have not had their needs met by a primary caretaker are usually quite self-sufficient at a young age - which seems kind of cool, but isn't so great for attachment. It is good to go back a few developmental stages and feed your child yourself (like you would a baby). It shows him that he can depend on you to meet his need for food/eating and it promotes attachment. Also, no one else except mom or dad should feed or give food to adopted kids for many months. Food/feeding is a huge trigger for attachment.
- Softly rub his cheeks, palms of hands and soles of feet. I just read about this the other week. Gently rubbing these areas evidently especially promotes attachment. I have been more intentional about doing this lately with Isaiah.
- Mirror/mimic their actions or the positions they are sitting/standing/lying in as a fun game. For example, the other day, Isaiah was doing this little dance with his feet. When he would scoot out his right foot, I would do the same thing with my right foot. I don't remember the exact attachment-science behind this, but him seeing me doing what he is doing and more so, delighting in him, helps him know he is valuable and that he belongs here with us. It helps him know, I am okay here.
- Mimic his sounds/tones/etc. Similar to the above point, when I sing with Isaiah, I will intentionally sing quieter and wait for him to follow me or vice versa.
- Use a mirror and have your child look in the mirror and do different facial expressions with him.
- Play games like hide and seek that show great delight in your child. This is a huge way he is going to learn that he is valuable and loved (just like a baby does when you play those sweet little games with him).
- Give him lots of soft, gentle eye contact when playing with him.
- Lots and lots of praise and encouragement.
I feel worn out after writing all of that out and thinking about needing to do more of it with Isaiah. This is one more reason why I need the Holy Spirit to fill me each day and lead and guide me to do what I need to do to meet the needs of my kids. Whew! I fall short everyday from loving my kids the way they need to be loved. And I mean WAY short. But I'm thankful for God's faithfulness and his Holy Spirit who often reminds me throughout the day to do some of these things.
First . . .
"Children will often claim that they are quite hurt when their injury is minor. This gives them the opportunity to cry for awhile, getting a cycle of comfort developed with their parents. It helps them to get sensitive care for their hearts, if parents kiss and hug, instead of dismissing the injury. There is an injury to the heart, but at times children can only express it through injuries to fingers and knees." (Attaching in Adoption, Grey, 231)
I have known (from reading The Connected Child) that when my kids get hurt it is a good opportunity to show them affection and love - so they know this is what a mom does. Mom is here to comfort you. But, I loved what Grey said about the injury to the heart that gets expressed through other injuries. It is so true. I see this in all three of my African kids. It is sometimes tempting to want to quickly brush off their injury after giving them a kiss or quick hug.(Or even at this point, sometimes yell from the other room, "you're okay.") But, this encourages me to give more comfort and make the most of little injuries that happen because it is often their heart that is hurting, not necessarily their finger or toe.
Second . . .
"Children, who are on an emotional development curve with secure attachments, are developing trust in others and confidence in themselves. They believe that when people meet them, people will probably like them, just as they like themselves and their families like them. Children who have insecure attachments doubt that the people they meet will like them or be trustworthy, just as they doubt their own value or goodness, and their families' value and goodness." (Grey, 223)
These two attachment styles are perfectly illustrated by Abram and Isaiah right now. Abram undoubtedly believes that people will like him when they meet him (probably a little too much!). And he definitely likes himself - he thinks he is darn cute and funny. Reading this gave me more insight with Isaiah. It perfectly describes him. I have used "insecure" to describe him, in general. But, this explains the look in his face when we are with new people. And more so, I see it in little ways throughout the day. He doesn't know he is valuable. Reading what I read helps me have more compassion when I see this on his face - instead of getting frustrated when he doesn't have the "normal" reaction a three-year old (or even two-year old) should have to things.. We are making progress in this area when I hold him close and rock him at night. Doing this and singing together and laughing together with lots of eye contact has helped. But it is a slow process and it is going to take a long time for his attachment to move from insecure to secure.
From all that I've read, I started a list of things you can do (primarily from things I've read) to nurture and promote bonding and attachment with younger kids, which in turn greatly helps kids know they are valuable:
- Hold your newly adopted child as much as he will let you and/or as much as he needs (even after several months). I still try to hold Isaiah more than I would normally hold a three year old.
- Hold them close and rock them before bed. Give him a bottle or sippy cup (that he can suck) with warm, sweet milk. I still do this with Isaiah. I've started wrapping him up in his blanket while I hold him, give him milk and sing with him before bed. I haven't read to do this anywhere, but most of the things on this list are things that you would do with an infant . . . and infants like to be wrapped up tightly, so it seems like a good idea to me!
- Lots and lots and lots of eye contact. I'm not so intentional about this anymore, but could be.
- Feed him yourself a lot . . . with lots of eye contact. I fed Isaiah at every meal for the first two months! I didn't start out intending to feed Isaiah at every meal that and I don't think you have to do this all the time or for as long as I did. But Isaiah has some pretty deep needs so it was good for us to do this. (He now eats on his own for the most part.) Kids who have not had their needs met by a primary caretaker are usually quite self-sufficient at a young age - which seems kind of cool, but isn't so great for attachment. It is good to go back a few developmental stages and feed your child yourself (like you would a baby). It shows him that he can depend on you to meet his need for food/eating and it promotes attachment. Also, no one else except mom or dad should feed or give food to adopted kids for many months. Food/feeding is a huge trigger for attachment.
- Softly rub his cheeks, palms of hands and soles of feet. I just read about this the other week. Gently rubbing these areas evidently especially promotes attachment. I have been more intentional about doing this lately with Isaiah.
- Mirror/mimic their actions or the positions they are sitting/standing/lying in as a fun game. For example, the other day, Isaiah was doing this little dance with his feet. When he would scoot out his right foot, I would do the same thing with my right foot. I don't remember the exact attachment-science behind this, but him seeing me doing what he is doing and more so, delighting in him, helps him know he is valuable and that he belongs here with us. It helps him know, I am okay here.
- Mimic his sounds/tones/etc. Similar to the above point, when I sing with Isaiah, I will intentionally sing quieter and wait for him to follow me or vice versa.
- Use a mirror and have your child look in the mirror and do different facial expressions with him.
- Play games like hide and seek that show great delight in your child. This is a huge way he is going to learn that he is valuable and loved (just like a baby does when you play those sweet little games with him).
- Give him lots of soft, gentle eye contact when playing with him.
- Lots and lots of praise and encouragement.
I feel worn out after writing all of that out and thinking about needing to do more of it with Isaiah. This is one more reason why I need the Holy Spirit to fill me each day and lead and guide me to do what I need to do to meet the needs of my kids. Whew! I fall short everyday from loving my kids the way they need to be loved. And I mean WAY short. But I'm thankful for God's faithfulness and his Holy Spirit who often reminds me throughout the day to do some of these things.
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