"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul." (Psalm 143:8)
After a hard time trying to sleep last night, God was so faithful to renew my heart and spirit this morning and show me the way I should go, specifically in parenting my daughter who had a rough time. The enemy would have me cower in fear and loosen up my expectations for my daughter so as to avoid the conflict and hard stuff that may come. That would be settling for less than her full healing. I wrestled with all this yesterday and last night. God is teaching me so much. Primarily that I need to obey Him in parenting her and trust Him for what that might bring about. Surrendering to do that has given me so much peace. I am feeling much more normal today and am so thankful! I know much of that is a direct result of so many of you praying for us. We are so incredibly grateful for your prayers. As in . . . I'm not sure we would make it if so many people were not praying for us! In addition to praying for our daughter (and our other kids who still have a lot of healing needed in their hearts), please pray for me to parent out of faith and obedience and not out of fear.
Getting to hang out with some GOOD friends last night (on the calendar for two weeks - God's timing was so perfect!) also helped me a great deal because I was able to share and process much of what happened on Wednesday. Not to mention just being with good friends . . . that always does a heart good!
I wanted to post part of an email Jason sent to the elders of our church (so that they could pray for us). It is so insightful into the spiritual battle of adoption and orphan care:
The plight of a (former) orphan has to be one of the worst effects of sin and evil in this world. They were impoverished, abused, neglected, shamed, and abandoned to defend themselves and all the while being deceived that it was all their fault...then even when partial redemption has come (through adoption), they continue to suffer the effects of being an orphan and have the twisted thinking and feeling that on some days it would be better to be an orphan again (this has been expressed multiple times) or worse.
Also, I need to recant something I said yesterday in my post. I said, "All the extreme, scary stuff might not end up applying to you (especially if you are adopting younger kids). But, then again, it might." A friend of mine who has also adopted commented on that and wisely said,
I would encourage parents adopting any child of any age to have a broad perspective on the challenges of babies/children from hard places. There's no security that adopting a younger child won't have RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder). The unattached child's disconnect comes from unfulfilled needs as infants.
So true. In total honesty, I put the part about younger kids in parentheses because I was trying to soften the blow and not freak people out (I know I can sometimes come across that way)! But, the reality is that most of the indescribable pain in orphans - and therefore bad behavior that we see as parents - comes from their needs not being met the first three yeas of life.
Do not lose heart, though. Just start reading "The Connected Child" or "When Love is Not Enough" or a number of other great resources out there. AUnsk God to prepare you. Follow blogs of parents who are parenting kids from hard places (I guess you are if you are reading this!). That is why I try to be so honest about the good, the bad and the ugly. I was prepared so much through following a few families who did the same. The more prepared you can be ahead of time, the less life will feel like a "crisis" when hard times come.
The Lee Three
Friday, February 17, 2012
Pictures
Isaiah got his hair cut last weekend. Not a happy time for him, despite the sucker.
The ever-fashionable Zoe!
And speaking of fashion, she did something amazing yesterday. She had two pair of socks that had holes in them (she wears out socks like crazy!). In the morning I said we could throw them away and she said, "use for baby." Great. Yesterday morning she scrubbed them with soap by hand, rinsed them and dried them on the towel rack. After lunch she finished drying them with my hair dryer. Shen then asked for my sewing kit. While I was blogging during rest time, she CUT. AND. SEWED. BARBIE. CLOTHES. OUT. OF. HER. SOCKS. WHAT?!?!?!?!? I seriously about fell over when I saw what she did.
Because here's the deal . . . I stitched up a tear in her barbie's dress in her presence once. I showed her how to thread a needle and tie a knot a the end of the thread. And then as I was sewing it I was thinking, "I should really be showing her how to do this. This would be a great training opportunity." But, I didn't!
I asked her yesterday if she learned how to do this in C and she looked at me like I was crazy. She just figured it out on her own - something she has had to do a lot of in her life. This last picture below is of the back sides. I was trying to show that not only did she sew all the way down the back of the dresses, on all but one of the four outfits, she sewed the seam on the INSIDE. Even on the shorts she cut and sewed for the boy doll.
There is some serious brilliance inside of that girl.
The boys have been doing a lot of driving in the basement this week. Zoe has fun pushing and swinging them around in their cars, too. Today we took their tricycles to the basement and they did all kinds of fun things, including taping little cars to their trikes . . . while I was sitting on the steps with Claire, putting extensions in her hair.
A photo courtesy of Zoe. How I love Isaiah's eyes.
Just a typical day in the play room.
Bath pictures are always my favorite!
Thursday, February 16, 2012
We Survived Yesterday
If you were on Facebook yesterday, you know a little about our day yesterday. It was definitely the hardest day since the kids came home and possibly the hardest day of my life to this point.
I can't give the details, but I had to call Jason to come home ASAP from Des Moines in the morning and at one point I texted him to drive faster. It was an ENORMOUS spiritual (not to mention emotional, physical and mental) battle for about 3.5 hours with one of our daughters. It was traumatic for me, left me exhausted and with knots in my stomach, and I'm still recovering.
The good news is that I understand what was going on, for the most part.
I'm learning A LOT from a new book called, "When Love is Not Enough" (Thomas), a book about parenting kids with attachment problems (yes, that includes one, if not both our daughters . . . I am working on a blog post with more on that and the book). Here are some of the factors, from my perspective, that contributed to the event and aftermath of yesterday:
"At the core of the unattached is a deep-seated rage, far beyond normal anger . . . born of unfulfilled needs as infants. Incomprehensible pain is forever locked in their souls, because of the abandonment they felt as infants."
"In response to neglect or abuse, they came to believe that they are bad, unlovable people who don’t deserve our tender, loving care." (From an article and blog post I did a few weeks ago.) Dr. Karyn Purvis says that most kids from hard places have a shame-core the size of Texas.
Lastly, based on "When Love is Not Enough," I have been increasing my level of "being in charge" with the girls (which naturally decreases their control) and increasing nurture with them. I have been giving them tons more loving eye contact (when we are eating at the table and otherwise), many more hugs and the big one is that Tuesday night I rocked each of them, while they sucked on a carmel. (More on that in an upcoming post.)
Chances are my daughter started to think (after more nurture and especially the rocking with sugar the night before), "that feels good" but quickly realized, "ah-oh! If I let in these good feelings of closeness with my mom, I will lose her" (because her past has taught her that's what happens). That, along with having an incredibly negative view of herself and realizing she was losing some control created a perfect storm.
Not to mention that everything that happened was straight from the pit of hell. Jason commented a number of times about how EVERY step and aspect of adoption is war. Satan HATES orphans being placed in families and will do anything to destroy that from happening. "Adoption is not charity, it is war." (author unknown)
Because I understand what is going on from the reading I've done - and from my CA friend's help, I know what happened is somewhat "typical" given our daughter's history (sure didn't look or feel "typical"!). If God had not prepared us the way He did, we would be sitting in shambles today, questioning how we would go on as a family. I'm incredibly grateful for God's grace in preparing us the way He has.
So, if you are planning to adopt, can I just say this (not that I haven't said it in the past!):
Read. Prepare. Learn about what is going on inside the heads and hearts of kids from hard places. Understand what you are getting into. All the extreme, scary stuff might not end up applying to you (especially if you are adopting younger kids). But, it might happen. And you will be so thankful you are not trying to figure out what just happened in the midst of a traumatic event.
I'm thankful to be able to report that our daughter is doing great today (and was doing great yesterday after the hard stuff ended). But, the fight for spiritual freedom for her soul, the fight for her being able to trust me and the fight for her attachment to me (all part of the same battle) are long from over. Please pray that God would do this work in her heart and that He will give us abundant wisdom to do our part.
This morning we were listening to the Esmerelda CD (like we often do) and my daughter was just singing along (like she always does). Here is what she was singing: "God hears the broken. God hears the cry of their heart. Sorrow and suffering, He sees. He sees me." I wanted to fall on the floor and sob. As she sang, I begged God to make those truths realities in her heart. How I long for her to know that He SEES her and all of her sorrow and suffering.
Isaiah 61:1-3 sums it up pretty well.
1 The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,
2 to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.
We trust God to do this work and look forward to the day that our daughter displays HIS SPLENDOR.
Oh, Lord Jesus, please let it be!
I can't give the details, but I had to call Jason to come home ASAP from Des Moines in the morning and at one point I texted him to drive faster. It was an ENORMOUS spiritual (not to mention emotional, physical and mental) battle for about 3.5 hours with one of our daughters. It was traumatic for me, left me exhausted and with knots in my stomach, and I'm still recovering.
The good news is that I understand what was going on, for the most part.
I'm learning A LOT from a new book called, "When Love is Not Enough" (Thomas), a book about parenting kids with attachment problems (yes, that includes one, if not both our daughters . . . I am working on a blog post with more on that and the book). Here are some of the factors, from my perspective, that contributed to the event and aftermath of yesterday:
"At the core of the unattached is a deep-seated rage, far beyond normal anger . . . born of unfulfilled needs as infants. Incomprehensible pain is forever locked in their souls, because of the abandonment they felt as infants."
"In response to neglect or abuse, they came to believe that they are bad, unlovable people who don’t deserve our tender, loving care." (From an article and blog post I did a few weeks ago.) Dr. Karyn Purvis says that most kids from hard places have a shame-core the size of Texas.
Lastly, based on "When Love is Not Enough," I have been increasing my level of "being in charge" with the girls (which naturally decreases their control) and increasing nurture with them. I have been giving them tons more loving eye contact (when we are eating at the table and otherwise), many more hugs and the big one is that Tuesday night I rocked each of them, while they sucked on a carmel. (More on that in an upcoming post.)
Chances are my daughter started to think (after more nurture and especially the rocking with sugar the night before), "that feels good" but quickly realized, "ah-oh! If I let in these good feelings of closeness with my mom, I will lose her" (because her past has taught her that's what happens). That, along with having an incredibly negative view of herself and realizing she was losing some control created a perfect storm.
Not to mention that everything that happened was straight from the pit of hell. Jason commented a number of times about how EVERY step and aspect of adoption is war. Satan HATES orphans being placed in families and will do anything to destroy that from happening. "Adoption is not charity, it is war." (author unknown)
Because I understand what is going on from the reading I've done - and from my CA friend's help, I know what happened is somewhat "typical" given our daughter's history (sure didn't look or feel "typical"!). If God had not prepared us the way He did, we would be sitting in shambles today, questioning how we would go on as a family. I'm incredibly grateful for God's grace in preparing us the way He has.
So, if you are planning to adopt, can I just say this (not that I haven't said it in the past!):
Read. Prepare. Learn about what is going on inside the heads and hearts of kids from hard places. Understand what you are getting into. All the extreme, scary stuff might not end up applying to you (especially if you are adopting younger kids). But, it might happen. And you will be so thankful you are not trying to figure out what just happened in the midst of a traumatic event.
I'm thankful to be able to report that our daughter is doing great today (and was doing great yesterday after the hard stuff ended). But, the fight for spiritual freedom for her soul, the fight for her being able to trust me and the fight for her attachment to me (all part of the same battle) are long from over. Please pray that God would do this work in her heart and that He will give us abundant wisdom to do our part.
This morning we were listening to the Esmerelda CD (like we often do) and my daughter was just singing along (like she always does). Here is what she was singing: "God hears the broken. God hears the cry of their heart. Sorrow and suffering, He sees. He sees me." I wanted to fall on the floor and sob. As she sang, I begged God to make those truths realities in her heart. How I long for her to know that He SEES her and all of her sorrow and suffering.
Isaiah 61:1-3 sums it up pretty well.
1 The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,
2 to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.
We trust God to do this work and look forward to the day that our daughter displays HIS SPLENDOR.
Oh, Lord Jesus, please let it be!
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