Thank You, Charlotte

Some mornings, like this morning, my flesh does not want to get out of bed to start the day. It feels like I need to climb a mountain emotionally before I can be ready to face the day and all of the uncertainty it will bring. Fortunately, God met me in His Word as He always does:

But the eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love. (Ps 33:18)

Fear God. Trust His unfailing love.

Okay.

God's unfailing love came through in a pretty hilarious way today. I planned to take Zoe's hair out today. After all, it has only been in since before Christmas. I haven't let myself feel guilty for not taking better care of her hair because we have just had too many bigger issues to deal with around here. I've known she would not be happy about me telling her it is time to do her hair. So, I didn't tell her until the moment I was ready to do it.

{Sidenote: I am learning to do this with everything now. Nancy Thomas says that "knowledge is power" for kids with RAD. I used to tell the kids what was coming up later in the day, where we were going, who was coming over, what was on the calendar, etc. But, after learning the hard way, I don't do this anymore. For anything. Knowing what is coming up just gives the girls too much fuel for their control fires. At the very least it gives them too much to think about and/or provides something to gripe about, ask for, etc. Now, I chose to fight the battle (if needed) head-on, at the moment we are doing whatever it is we are doing. It eliminates several other little battles beforehand.}

Back to Zoe's hair. Once I said, "Okay, Zoe, now we are going to take your hair out," my responsibility was to obey God by holding to that decision/boundary no matter how much she tries to control and manipulate me to try to wiggle out of it. I can't force her to sit down and let me take her hair out. This is the tricky part . . . the help me Jesus in this moment know what to do to remain in control part! Of course she did try a number of things to try to do the hair thing on her terms and not mine. Kids with attachment issues are proficient at doing things on their terms instead of mom's/dad's. (That is really what the battles are about.) I stayed calm and positive and tried to ignore or downplay most of what she was telling me while continuing to say cheerfully, "you're okay and we're going to take your braids out." Claire was right there with me and was in agreement that we needed to take Zoe's hair out.

At one point I said that we need to wash it after we take it out because we haven't washed it for a long time and there might be bugs in it. But, I knew she didn't know what bugs are. So (because they have seen Charlotte's web) I said, "we have to take your hair out and wash it because there might be some Charlottes in there" as I showed with my fingers what a little spider in her hair might look like. She picked up one of her braids and said, "is there a Charlotte in here?" I said, "I don't know, we need to take your braids out to find out." She walked straight to the chair and let Claire and I start taking her braids out!!!!!!!!!! A moment later she asked Claire if she saw any Charlottes. Claire said, "I'll tell you if I find a Charlotte."

I wanted to bust out laughing so badly! In fact a little later I snuck in the bathroom to call Jason to tell him the story. I could not believe how effortlessly the Charlotte story worked. I didn't even try to think it up, nor did I think it would be the ticket to a successful behavior - it just came out of my mouth. Thank you Holy Spirit! Parenting RAD behavior defies logic and can't be addressed with regular discipline and  parenting strategies. But, it still has to be addressed and often in creative ways. I guess I just gained a new tool for my creative strategies toolbox. God, you are so faithful!

But the best part was that not only did we accomplish the task of getting her braids out, but at lunch I got more eye contact from Zoe than I have at a meal recently. She was happy, connected and her eyes were beaming. Holding to the firm boundary helped her climb another rung on the I-am-okay-with-mom-being-in-charge ladder that each of my African kids are climbing.

We wait in hope for the LORD; he is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD, even as we put our hope in you. Psalm 33:20-22

Not That Far Ahead of Them

On Monday afternoon the girls made their very own snowman. It was so fun to watch them make it all on their own while the boys marched through the little bit of snow that was left in the yard.

A Dad-sandwich from the weekend. Any affection given by the girls or received by them is rare so this was sweet to see. 

It was a very rough weekend, friends. I felt like I was hanging on by a thread . . . Jason and I both did. Saturday was the first full day we were home and both implementing this new parenting strategy for RAD. I know a little more about this parenting strategy because I've been using it more, but Jason is the leader of our relationship. So that made for some conflict between us - let's be honest! And it was primarily my fault! I cried harder than I've ever cried before on Saturday night as we talked through the looming task that parenting our girls has become. I feel like I am in the fight of my life and often feel like I cannot get my head above water.

It was nice to get out by myself and run errands Friday evening, but the burden of everything going on was so heavy it was hard to be thankful for a night away doing something I enjoy. After I paid for  my groceries at Aldi, I realized all of my shopping bags for my cart full of groceries were still in the car. As I stood in the cold, windy parking lot bagging my groceries by the trunk of my car, I thought about how in my former life I would have been incredibly irritated and frustrated. But, this past Friday night it really didn't bother me. In fact, I felt a small amount of relief thinking, "now this is a problem I can deal with. I KNOW WHAT TO DO TO DEAL WITH THE PROBLEM!" If only that were the case with parenting the girls and their RAD behaviors.

It is the not knowing how to deal with the control and manipulation that has ramped up from both of the girls lately that has been putting my stomach in knots. I know that control and manipulation allowed them to survive their pasts. And I know I need to respect that. Got it. But, when they BOTH respond with control and/or manipulation - each in their own, different way - nearly every time I asked them to do something, it was creating a storm of anxiety and despair within me.

On Sunday morning, I read this in Jesus Calling:

Make friends with the problems in your life. Though many things feel random and wrong, remember that I am sovereign over everything. I can fit everything into a pattern for good, but only to the extent that you trust Me. Every problem can teach you something, transforming you little by little into the masterpiece I created you to be. The very same problem can become a stumbling block over which you fall, if you react with distrust and defiance. The choice is up to you, and you will have to choose many times each day whether to trust Me or defy Me. 

The best way to befriend your problems is to thank Me for them . . . I will not necessarily remove your problems, but My wisdom is sufficient to bring good out of every one of them. 

I almost laughed because it was so DEAD ON what I needed to hear. God continued to use His Word and His Holy Spirit the rest of Sunday to help me get to the bottom of my problem: I was fearing the girls' control and manipulation. The reason I fear it is because it makes me feel an absolute loss of control. (And in case you don't know, I'm a recovering control-freak!) I am barely learning how to parent these RAD/control and manipulation behaviors and I usually have no idea what to do. And these behaviors seem to increase by the day. This is going to sound weird, but the anxiety and fear I felt over the last week and weekend with the girls was the exact same anxiety and fear I used to feel when I would get on an airplane to fly. I was scared of flying because I felt such a loss of control (since I have no idea how an airplane works). It might seem ridiculous, but I can't tell you how real those feelings of fear were to me. Over time, especially in the last couple years, God has helped me deal with my fear of flying by growing my understanding of just how sovereign He is. He created me, He knows the number of hairs on my head and He has numbered my days. When it is His will for me to die, I will die. I no longer have to fear dying in a plane crash simply because I am not in control. 

Late Sunday afternoon, while Jason took the kids sledding, I was able to repent of my fear and trust God that He is totally sovereign over all the crazy behavior going on in my home. When one of my daughters has spiraled down and is hiding out in a closet, I don't have to panic anymore (like I did Saturday), trying to figure out what in the heck to do to get her back in relationship with us. And I don't have to believe the enemy's lies in that moment, "what if she never comes out of this?" and "what if she never attaches?"

Instead, I can choose to believe that God is in control when my daughter is hiding and withdrawn. Not only is He in control, but I can ask Him for wisdom in that moment and trust that He will show me what to do. Sometimes what I do to help her get back on track is successful. But, here is what I am so grateful for: even when my approach in helping my daughter in that moment is a complete failure (which is often!), I can pray and ask God to use it to bring healing in her life anyway. And He can do that! 

Until Sunday I was feeling so much pressure to get each situation right. After all, these are my children's souls, attachments and emotional health on the line! God provided much wisdom from my wonderful CA friend when she said: 

Give yourself GRACE - you won't get it "right" each time because there is a huge learning curve on this and you are very human and this is incredibly hard.  Focus more on maintaining a right thought life about it all (biblical worldview!) and less about getting each event right (very freeing) and DO NOT listen to the enemy who accuses and condemns - for there is NO condemnation for those who are in Christ.  

I can't tell you what a relief it is to me that I don't have to get every single situation "right." (I'm also a recovering perfectionist, you know!). This just might be some of the best advice I have gotten in my entire life!

So, I'm learning a new way to walk . . . humbly dependent on Jesus each minute of each day. Asking Him for wisdom for how to respond to every situation and praying for healing and attachment all day long . . . whether I'm rocking my daughter with her face close to mine, setting a firm boundary, responding to crazy behavior or even when my attempts to respond fail. "For he has not despised or disdained the suffering of the afflicted one

A good friend/mentor wrote me the other day and wisely said,  'While you are trying to get your kids to attach to you God is doing the very same thing with you and Him.' It is so true. The way my kids will attach to me is to trust me and not defy me . . . which is the exact same way I grow closer to God. God is using these painful circumstances with my girls to strip away the fear and control in my own heart. Hmmm . . . the same things my girls struggle with. 

I am not that far ahead of them. 

Its Friday

I am praising God for helping me make it to the end of this week. Friday means Jason will be home for two days, which translates to more help with crazy behavior, more rest and a little bit easier breathing on my part. It also means I get to go grocery shopping and to Target BY MYSELF tonight - woo hoo! The past two days have been a lot better than the first two days of the week, but each day is filled with its own great unknown. 

Abram was drumming on my dishwasher with two butter knives. He looks like a natural sitting on that step stool the way he is. He has quite the musical interests lately. Jason and I have ZERO musical talents, but Abram's birth family is filled with musicians. Makes me wonder if that is where it comes from!

 At the beginning of the week, when things were so hard with the girls, I would look at Abram and force back the tears. I felt such grief over not being able to enjoy him at his cute little stage because my stomach was all worked up in knots with the girls. God is helping me deal with the sin of fear and anxiety in my heart that puts my stomach in knots. But, I think it is fair to say that if you are parenting kids from hard places, it is OKAY to cry and grieve for the loss that is inherent with other kids you are parenting. It is part of the sacrifice. I'm thankful this is the first time I've felt this way since the very first days of the kids being home.  

A hilarious picture of the girls and their pasta one night this week.

Since Tuesday, God in His grace has helped me gain a better big picture perspective and most importantly, a  more Biblical perspective. For as hard of a time as I'm having with the girls lately, yesterday I just watched them and tried to think about what it must feel like to not know in the deepest part of their souls the love and attachment of a mother . . . the security of someone who will not leave them and who will love them unconditionally. Can you imagine the deep anguish? While this is what I am offering them as their mom, they don't know it yet. That is why they do the things they do. They are trying to figure out if they are going to be okay here. Life has taught them they will not be okay.

I was giving one of the girls a piggy back ride (my secret weapon I like to use to "give them a ride" knowing that it is a great bonding activity) on Wednesday. I had my face turned slightly toward her and and my 10-12 year old daughter laid her face right against mine the whole time I was carrying her. In that moment I knew that my sweet girl was desperate for the love of a mother. But she is deathly scared of it at the same time. It has only ever been ripped away from her. She is beginning to taste that love . . . but the risk of losing it is still so great. It is going to take time, time, time, along with the power of Jesus, to heal her wounds.

So, no matter how rough things get for me, I'm remembering that the anguish and distress in their souls is so far greater than that of my own. How I pray that their pain will lead them to the One who knows the pain of loneliness, rejection and death on a cross. 

On a lighter note, I took the kids to the park one day this week, even though it was raining a little bit. We didn't stay long, but I loved the sight of my two little hooded boys driving whatever that thing is.

 And lastly we had a fun field trip this morning, bright and early at 6:45am - which explains the blurry eyes below! I loaded the kids up to go watch Jason play basketball at the City Hall gym at 7:00a (you better believe I stopped for Burgies coffee on the way!). Jason plays twice a week  at 6:30a and the kids have been dying to watch him. Zoe was sure that she would get to eat popcorn while we watched. :)

The boys took their little basketballs and the kids all got to play after the guys were done playing. It made for a very fun family morning. I enjoyed doing something outside of our normal morning routine.