War

This is the only way to describe the past 24 hours. The most intense spiritual WAR I have ever experienced. A war for my daughter's soul. I'm not sure if my thoughts are coherent enough for a blog post (I had a complete break-down after the kids went to bed), but I'm going to give it a shot . . . at least to update many of you who have been praying since last night when I asked for prayer on Facebook.

The enemy has wreaked havoc in my daughter's life through the events that led her to be an orphan. We have seen this havoc rise to the surface several times in the past, but last night was worse than ever. They enemy is bent on stealing, killing and destroying her (John 10:10). Even while she has a loving family and plenty of food to eat, the enemy breaths lies to her that we are not her parents and that we are terrible and that she should go back to her birth country.Worse yet, he causes her to believe (through the trauma and abandonment of her past) that she is not valuable and not lovable . . . which fills her with intense shame.

My daughter, like many orphans, had to use control and manipulation to survive in the eight years that led up to her joining our family. Our primary job, as her parents, is to help her to attach to us. But, the only way that can happen, along with giving her as much nurture as we possibly can, is to provide firm boundaries to counteract the control and manipulation (and any other sin . . . all kids need firm boundaries to address their sin). Incredibly firm boundaries are what bring her to the end of herself and put an end to her control and manipulation so that she can finally TRUST us and ATTACH to us. Only with trust and attachment come healing from the wounds in her soul.

Parenting in a way to confront the control and manipulation (which has been NON-STOP for weeks) with firm boundaries is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

Trying to figure out WHAT to do to parent in this way that will bring healing was the first enormous challenge, and often still is. God has provided us with great tools and a mentor (Jen, who has been through it and whose 9 former orphans are healed and fully attached) and the BIBLE. But the learning curve is so steep and I have failed a lot (thankfully I can still pray for healing even when I fail).

Second, getting over my FEAR of implementing the super firm boundaries is the next battle in my soul. I fear the conflict it brings. Satan tempts me to fear that what I am doing isn't working. My flesh fears not knowing the best way to respond to her control and manipulation. One of the hardest parts of the past 24 hours is that I have realized that I have not been holding as firm of boundaries as I need to. Jen reminded me today through a text that I need to be in charge/directing everything my daughter does (much like you do with a toddler). To be honest, I have slacked on this . . . many times allowing her to herself just a enough to keep the peace rather than rock the control and manipulation boat. I'm thankful for God's grace to help me get back on track. I'm taking one moment at a time and trusting God to help me be in charge of that moment.

And lastly, there is a battle in my soul to BELIEVE  THE TRUTH and trust God that He will heal my daughter. The last 24 hours feels like a big, gigantic, chaotic mess. But, I have to choose to believe that God is working and that He is going to bring healing through this.

Nothing can prepare you to watch your child rage against your firm boundary and then after two hours grieve tortuously from the effects of abandonment. And watch her hurt so deeply but push you away in her anger and sadness. (Jen reminded me that mad often masks sadness and fear.) Last night I had to trust what my eyes could not see. I have been praying a lot lately for God to heal her so I had to CHOOSE to BELIEVE that God was working and answering my prayers.

This morning I sat and waited for her to get out of bed. Not knowing how mad or sad or controlling she would be filled my stomach with knots. This kind of  "unknown" seeks to wrack me with anxiety. In my flesh I feel like I have to figure out how best to respond. In reality, I need to depend on Jesus to give me wisdom in each and every moment. But this morning I was very weary from the battle and my faith was faltering.

However, God was gracious to me and reminded me of a time two years ago when I sat in our old house praying for our kids after we started the adoption process. I had done some research and was beginning to realize what we might be getting into (which we are definitely INTO...namely, RAD!). I was struggling to trust God and not fear. The verse he brought to mind that day was Romans 8:35 . . .


Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?

I remember thinking two years ago that no matter how hard adopting three kids would be or no matter what "issues" our kids would have, those things would NOT separate me from the love of Christ. Jesus would still be FOR ME.

This is the truth I clung to today. Tonight I am clinging to the whole passage:

If God is for us, who can be against us? ³² He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?³³ Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. ³⁴ Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. ³⁵ Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? ³⁶ As it is written:

“For your sake we face death all day long;
    we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”

³⁷ No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. ³⁸ For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹ neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans, Chapter 8)

It looks and feels like the Grand Canyon is separating God's love and healing from my daughter. There are so many lies warring in her soul. But, I am choosing to believe that because God is FOR HER, none of the enemy's schemes will be against her. And the same for me!

Psalm 143:12 says:
And in your steadfast love you will cut off my enemies, and you will destroy all the adversaries of my soul... 


Jesus, please destroy the adversaries of my daughter's soul and bring her healing.

I cannot thank those of you who have been praying enough. Please continue to battle in prayer with us for TRUTH, TRUST and HEALING in our daughter's life.

RAD, Books & A Swimming Pool

The RAD in our house continues on full throttle. I feel like she must be feeling more safe and comfortable (which is good) and is therefore unleashing her control, manipulation and verbal assaults at rapid fire pace. Most nights last week I went to bed feeling verbally beaten up and abused. While I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry, my husband gently reminded me that Jesus probably felt that same way, often. (My husband is such a gift to me . . . God often uses him to speak truth right in the middle of my emotional messes, which is so what I need.) I'm so thankful for his words of wisdom that helped me gain a better, more Christ-centered, perspective.

For one, I do think that my daughter's behavior has shifted to be much more verbal, instead of so much stonewalling and fit-throwing/raging. It has taken me now about a week to adjust my game plan and be able to respond to her rightly . . . which means responding very positively, not taking it personally. Oh boy did I blow it tons of times last week. I had a hard time not taking everything personally. But, today when my daughter told me, "You no good woman," I looked at her and in a genuinely sweet, positive voice said, "oh, thank you." That is the grace of God in my heart.

And just when I needed it last week, I got an email from my friend/mentor, Jen Summers, that said this:

Also, the closer you get to 1 year home, the harder it gets (in my opinion) because the honeymoon is over and you FEEL like it should all be fine - and it's not - AND, you're really tired tired tired of it! LOL! It is OK. It IS hard and it is OK. God is good and sovereign and he will sustain you until things really are more normal.


OH MY WORD. God knew this is exactly what I needed to hear. And He knew exactly when I needed to hear it most. He showed up for me. AGAIN. He provided the encouragement I needed to keep going on.

And though hour-by-hour it feels like my daughter is out to get me, the reality is that she is probably growing closer to wanting to attach, but needing to test me even further to make sure I am trustworthy. This is why I blog. To remind myself of this reality. In the beginning of dealing with RAD I could keep this reality in view more. Now that this is just life, it is harder to remember and easier to get frustrated and angry.

Which is why I am so excited to be going to hear doctor/psychologist/author, Bruce Perry, speak tomorrow in Des Moines. (He is one of the speakers at the 2nd Annual Psychological Trauma and Juvenile Justice conference.) Bruce Perry wrote the book, "The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog." It is about how childhood trauma affects the brain and how the brain can be "rewired" and healed.  Lisa Qualls (one of my favorite adoptive, blogging moms) recommended it a couple years ago. I read it then and it is still one of my favorite books (I was a psychology and sociology major in college...what can I say?!). While it is a secular book, I was blown away learning how God wired the brain to be able to be healed from devastating trauma. God has done that! Months ago when Jason's co-worker passed on the info that Bruce Perry was going to be in Des Moines, I debated whether or not to go. I didn't really need to go since I'v done a lot of reading on this topic, but I decided to go as a hobby/fun thing to do (I know, I'm a nerd.) When I realized yesterday that I am going tomorrow, I was so excited. It is coming at a perfect time when I need to regain perspective with my kids and the trauma they have endured.

Speaking of books, I am finishing up a book called, "Last Child in the Woods...Saving our Children from Nature-Deficit Disorder"  (Louv). I saw it recommended on a blog I follow. It looked interesting and something a little different from what I have typically been reading since the kids have come home (although Jason laughed at this because it is still somewhat child-development-ish). While some of the book is common sense and some of it is over my head, I have enjoyed it and it has been good for me to read. I am not an "outdoorsy" girl. I would rather sit inside and organize something than sit outside and enjoy nature. Reading this book has helped me appreciate the value of nature for myself, but especially for my children and it will definitely affect how we school our kids and have them spend their time as they grow up - much more in nature than in front of technology.

In other random news, I finally have a camera again and can post a couple pictures . . .

Of the kids in our our new 12' wide and 3' tall swimming pool. It was given to my sister and brother-in-law but they didn't want it (for a number of reasons), so they GAVE IT TO US. I seriously feel like we won the lottery with this thing. The kids L.O.V.E. it!! And since I have zero ambitions of taking my four kids to the  water park in town (where they would be over-stimulated to the moon and back), the back yard is where we will be this summer.

Some Rambling

I decided I should finally do a blog post just to let you all know we are still alive here at the Lee Household. I probably haven't been blogging because I have been getting ready for a garage sale (its this Friday & Sat) and that has provided me some good organizational therapy during rest time. :) (I am a freak of nature and LOVE getting ready for garage sales.)

The RAD in our family has been putting up a big fight (not physically fighting, just tons and tons of control, manipulation and raging fits). And as of this week, I have been putting down much needed, harder boundaries for her. It is not fun. At all. And while on one hand, I feel like I am starting to get the hang of this therapeutic parenting stuff (I read that it takes most parents and average of 6 months of doing therapeutic parenting to feel like they know what they are doing), I have simultaneously found myself in many 'desperate for Jesus moments' . . . knowing I need to do something to hold the line for the RAD but having not one clue what to do. As Jesus continues to be faithful to provide wisdom or a need (in her for me) or whatever it may be, I am learning - AGAIN - that the desperate place is the best place for me from God's perspective. It is where I cling to Him most and trust Him the most.

Last week I looked at Jason and said, "I'm feeling like I don't know if this child with RAD is ever going to be fully attached and healed." He had been thinking the same thing. Up to that point in our journey, I had tried to stay as full of faith and optimistic as I could. But, after so much difficult behavior with little "progress" (that my eyes could see), I was started to lose hope.

And then God spoke. I was driving in the car at the end of last week with my RAD child to go pick up some strawberries. She and I had a tense morning and as we drove some of the tension was still in the air.  We got our two cartons of strawberries and she asked if she could have one. I was able to give her a very positive, "sure." As we drove back home eating strawberries together, I don't remember what we talked about, but I remember we smiled and laughed together and I remember it was a gift from God. As the tension went away and connection filled our relationship again, I felt God speak to me and say, "Jen, I am working, but you have to think in terms of a couple years with this child." Though it sort of sounds discouraging, it was actually a very encouraging moment for me. My God was renewing my hope and gently and lovingly telling me I need to be patient. He reminded me that He is working. Her wounds are deep and her past trauma was severe. I know this, but I so easily forget it when I am feeling like the verbal punching bag for days on end.

Those two weeks of "normal" about a month ago were so great but actually did a number on my expectations and my perspective. During the "normal" I felt like we were cruising. Like we were finally getting somewhere. Like we were possibly ready for the next stage of this journey where we have more freedom to hang out with more friends and for me to get more things done (ha!). But, we are not. We are still very much in the middle of this healing and attaching journey with our three kids. And I am okay with that now (after some work God has done in my heart). While there is less freedom (in relation to before our kids came home), there is still great joy and peace in this every day life with kids with RAD . . .  because Jesus is IN us and WITH us. And He is so faithful. And His Words are true.

That's enough rambling for now. I'm off to continue setting up my garage sale!

P.S. My camera has been broken and in the shop for a few weeks now . . . Hence, no pictures!