Some Rambling

I decided I should finally do a blog post just to let you all know we are still alive here at the Lee Household. I probably haven't been blogging because I have been getting ready for a garage sale (its this Friday & Sat) and that has provided me some good organizational therapy during rest time. :) (I am a freak of nature and LOVE getting ready for garage sales.)

The RAD in our family has been putting up a big fight (not physically fighting, just tons and tons of control, manipulation and raging fits). And as of this week, I have been putting down much needed, harder boundaries for her. It is not fun. At all. And while on one hand, I feel like I am starting to get the hang of this therapeutic parenting stuff (I read that it takes most parents and average of 6 months of doing therapeutic parenting to feel like they know what they are doing), I have simultaneously found myself in many 'desperate for Jesus moments' . . . knowing I need to do something to hold the line for the RAD but having not one clue what to do. As Jesus continues to be faithful to provide wisdom or a need (in her for me) or whatever it may be, I am learning - AGAIN - that the desperate place is the best place for me from God's perspective. It is where I cling to Him most and trust Him the most.

Last week I looked at Jason and said, "I'm feeling like I don't know if this child with RAD is ever going to be fully attached and healed." He had been thinking the same thing. Up to that point in our journey, I had tried to stay as full of faith and optimistic as I could. But, after so much difficult behavior with little "progress" (that my eyes could see), I was started to lose hope.

And then God spoke. I was driving in the car at the end of last week with my RAD child to go pick up some strawberries. She and I had a tense morning and as we drove some of the tension was still in the air.  We got our two cartons of strawberries and she asked if she could have one. I was able to give her a very positive, "sure." As we drove back home eating strawberries together, I don't remember what we talked about, but I remember we smiled and laughed together and I remember it was a gift from God. As the tension went away and connection filled our relationship again, I felt God speak to me and say, "Jen, I am working, but you have to think in terms of a couple years with this child." Though it sort of sounds discouraging, it was actually a very encouraging moment for me. My God was renewing my hope and gently and lovingly telling me I need to be patient. He reminded me that He is working. Her wounds are deep and her past trauma was severe. I know this, but I so easily forget it when I am feeling like the verbal punching bag for days on end.

Those two weeks of "normal" about a month ago were so great but actually did a number on my expectations and my perspective. During the "normal" I felt like we were cruising. Like we were finally getting somewhere. Like we were possibly ready for the next stage of this journey where we have more freedom to hang out with more friends and for me to get more things done (ha!). But, we are not. We are still very much in the middle of this healing and attaching journey with our three kids. And I am okay with that now (after some work God has done in my heart). While there is less freedom (in relation to before our kids came home), there is still great joy and peace in this every day life with kids with RAD . . .  because Jesus is IN us and WITH us. And He is so faithful. And His Words are true.

That's enough rambling for now. I'm off to continue setting up my garage sale!

P.S. My camera has been broken and in the shop for a few weeks now . . . Hence, no pictures!