The Swampland of Trauma and Grief

Time for a quarterly report. :)

We are just emerging from a three-month-long (Feb-April) journey trudging through the swampland of trauma and grief with our most attachment-challenged child. Deep, deep, painful waters. But, very necessary for her healing. From my own journey through the grief of infertility, I remember learning that grief is God's gift to help us get from one place in our heart to another.

Shortly after my RADish wrote me her first ever love note, she told Jason and I her entire. life. history. for three hours one early February Sunday afternoon. Amazing evidence of her trusting us enough to entrust us with her life story, but oh, so vulnerable . . . which then led to three months of nearly daily rage, turned to grief (MAD covers SAD). Early on in these three months, God helped me to see that my sweet girl was profoundly sad (behind all that mad, controlling behavior), so I changed my approach to empathy and God used that empathy in the midst of her mad, mad, mad to begin really reaching her heart. God is so good to gently lead and guide us in the way we should go.

Sometime in March, I started a blog post (never posted) that describes part of the three-month swampland!

I don't ever want to forget the pain and agony it is for a child to have to learn to trust again. To learn to love again. I don't want to forget the torment of a child entangled by the evil and oppression of abandonment and rejection.

I don't want to ever forget what it is like to have my child entrust her entire life history to us. While I'd like to forget, I don't want to forget the utter horrendousness from which God has rescued her. I don't want to forget laying on the couch because I could not function after hearing it all, but hearing Jesus whisper to me, "I know. I know."  I don't want to forget the encouragement it was to realize she trusted us enough to tell us. I don't want to forget what it was like to really SEE her and KNOW her and how that has helped me love her better. I don't want to forget that I think she is the bravest girl I have ever known in my life. 

I don't want to forget what it is like to see her twirl around in my living room, realizing she is already a shining display of God's mercy and love, even though her road to full healing is still quite a long ways off. I don't want to ever forget knowing clearly - after hearing her full history - that our God carried my sweet girl every single day of her life. He rescued her from unbelievable oppression and evil.  I don't want to forget how this knowledge spurred me on to keep enduring the very difficult days.

I don't want to forget God's "incomparably great power" (Ephesians 1:19) that can transform a child from darkness to light - often on a daily basis. I don't want to forget what it is like to walk by faith, trusting God is working and healing, even though what my eyes see looks absolutely opposite: Desolate. Hopeless. I don't want to forget how thankful I am for the Holy Spirit who gently guides me to know what to do and when to do it as her mom when I ask Him for wisdom.

I believe that we are in the middle of some major progress towards healing and attachment with our child. But, it has been rough - to say the least. I don't ever want to take for granted all that she and we have been through when things are going smoothly again. Because I don't want to ever forget what an unbelievable miracle it is for this child to have survived such abandonment and rejection and be able - through God's mercy and power - to begin to trust again. 

I don't want to ever forget the sweetest blessing and relief to my own soul to spend hours rocking my baby girl, with her head buried deeply into my chest, learning to trust like a newborn baby.

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“Grief is not something to be fixed. It is something to be borne, together.” (Melton)

My sweet girl and I . . . we have been bearing up under her grief . . . together. What does a child need most when she is very, very sad? A mommy to comfort her, snuggle her close and hold her tight, carry her, rub her back and pray for her . . . often for hours in a day. All of the grief of the past three months has produced the fruit of a stronger-than-ever attachment growing between her and I because I have spent so much time comforting her. And more importantly, she has let me. So painful, but so beautiful.

I so badly want to do something to remove the painful, shattered pieces from my daughter's heart. Instead, God wants me to go to the depths with her in her grief, comfort her and speak Jesus's truth to her broken heart. He is near to the broken-hearted. He is her Healer. He is her Redeemer. He is her Savior. He is right now taking the broken, painful, yucky, owie (the way I pray it with her) pieces of her life and He is making something beautiful out of it.

This is my hope. My God is able and I believe He will continue healing her.

{Somewhere along the way, Abram turned four, Isaiah jumped on a bike and rode it without training wheels the first time and my oldest girl has become an awesome, mature helper to this mamma!}

Go Read This: Mine

It has been a very tough week for us. This blog post sums it up quite perfectly: Mine.

My Heart . . . In Other's Words

I have read two different blog posts in the past 24 hours that put into words nearly exactly what is going on in my world lately. I couldn't help but share them in case they could encourage others, too. The weight of the "tension" my daughter carries and all of the "not yets" are threatening to pull me under lately. I'm so thankful to be living as an adoptive mother in 2013 where other adoptive moms can mentor me from afar via the internet and be used of God to help me know how to keep on going. 

From Owlhaven:

Adopted children constantly live in the tension between the happiness of the adoptive-parent side of the story and the sadness that led them to be relinquished in the first place.  We as adoptive parents need to be aware of the tension that causes the child.  They’re carrying a lot.  The human body can’t hold it all.  It will be expressed somehow.


From Every Bitter Thing is Sweet (this post is word-for-word, in better words, what is going on in my heart at this moment):

And here she is again. Another of my days at risk of being absorbed into this vortex, I moan under my breath, feeling the weight of what’s not yet healed in her and all of its uncertainty.
-------
Their not yet isn’t a time to be tolerated, but one to be cherished. He is training your eyes to see Him and your heart to receive Him, right here in the utter weakness that threatens to reek of failure.

And if you can find Him here, His love just might pull a total-life takeover.

Praying for God to help me find Him in all of the "not yets" and "tension" that is carried around and frequently spills over. 

The Boys

I haven't taken many pictures since Christmas, but I just downloaded what I have and thought I'd share what the boys have been up to lately. Having two boys six months apart continues to be one of my favorite things in life! Sure, they have their share of fighting and not sharing, but their friendship and playing together definitely WAY outweigh their spatting.

 Two little boys in sweatshirts and vests and hats with shovels is an all-time favorite of mine.

They love to use my decorative jars as drums. The lampshade and glass jar on the shelf are also part of their drum set. Normally, I wouldn't let them bang on decorations like that, but look at him? It is one of the cutest/fun things they do, so I have let it go!

I guess another thing I have let go . . . the glider rocker that gets turned into a rocket ship, boat, house and in this case . . . a teeter-totter. The chair is a hand-me-down from my sister. It outlived her rocking her four babies and I currently use it to rock my three non-babies. It has had a good, long life so why not use it as a teeter-totter!

Not sure what this is.

They love to help in the kitchen, of course.

Not sure what was going on this day. I think they were playing "office" with Zoe because Abram has an ink pen attached to the collar of his shirt. They were also probably playing "hotel" since they have shorts on. They love to pack up their bags in their room and take it to the back room to their "hotel" (a tent they've made out of the table).

Riding horses 

(The bungee cords we gave them for Christmas get a lot of use!)

Baseball in the front room with dad. Why not?

 Lots of "Narnia" goes on with the shields and swords. And the goggles, of course!

Love them!

Go Read This: On Raising Gracious Kids

Not even an hour ago as I was rocking one of my boys before nap time (have I mentioned I am squeezing every last ounce of "baby" out of both of them!?), I was praying and telling Jesus that if anything remotely good ever comes out of my parenting these kids it will be ONLY because of Him...ONLY because of His grace and mercy. The task seems so impossible lately.

And then I just read this blog post from Life{in}Grace. Wow. It hits me smack-dab right where I am. Definitely one of the best things I've read on parenting as Christ-follower. I started thinking about the people I should send it to and the list kept getting longer so I decided I better just put the link on my blog!

Go read it!

A Mountain Range + A Second Chance

I'm not sure whether to laugh at myself or cry thinking about the fact that I thought we were on the other side of the steep mountain of parenting a child with RAD (reactive attachment disorder) three weeks ago! Perhaps we did reach the other side of the first mountain. We are now embarking on the second mountain in the mountain range of loving and parenting a child with attachment challenges.

Our RADish had another ginormous rage this week. There wasn't much reconciliation at the end and she woke up not doing well at all. I seriously felt like we were back at the beginning, her behavior very similar to a year ago. Part of me couldn't believe it.

But, I simultaneously remembered what my friend and mentor, Jen Summers, has told me many times: as children with RAD heal and attach, the difficult behavior is very cyclical and will circle around and around, the circles getting wider and wider as the child heals and attaches (which means the really difficult behavior will come around less and less). I thought we had seen this to some extent, but now I really get it. She came as emotionally close as she ever, ever has at the beginning of February (telling me on paper for the first time how much she loved me). And in less than two weeks she has circled all the way back. I don't know the exact attachment terms to use, but basically it was very scary for her to be that vulnerable with us and show us she loved us (one hallmark trait of attachment disorder is not being able to give or receive love and affection...her showing me love like that was a HUGE step for her). She needs more time to test if we are really going to be trustworthy and not leave her or hurt her or stop loving her. So, up the mountain we will keep climbing. At first I was pretty discouraged by this . . . or maybe just completely worn out from the battery of manipulation and opposition that we haven't seen so intensely for so long. But then God allowed me to see what a gift of grace this "going back to the beginning" is . . . its a second chance.

First of all, though earlier this week reminded me a lot of last year, it really is vastly different. She reconnects with us MUCH quicker after testing us. There is a good amount of attachment in place that she can come back to. HALLELUJAH! She lets me hug her, look her in the eyes and she practically asks to be rocked, carried and held in between all the crazy behavior. In fact, I have carried my sweet girl (who is getting to be about the same size as me!) on my hip like a toddler more times than I can count in the past two weeks. She asks for it, nearly jumping up on me, and she loves it.

Sidenote: God created our brains to develop sequentially. So if a child missed a development stage in her first three years because of the lack of a loving, primary caretaker meeting her need(s), she needs to go back and have that need met before her brain can move forward in development (otherwise the child will remain stuck). Do you know how much you hold and bounce a baby/toddler up and down in your arms and on your hip? A TON, right?! The closeness of being held tight and the up and down bouncing movement are two of many normal things you do as a mom that develop your baby/toddler's brain . . . and you don't even realize at the time - you are just being a mom. Isn't that SO interesting??!! I have LOVED learning about how God created the brain to develop and then how trauma affects the brain. The effects of trauma on the brain have devastating effects (ie RAD), but God, in His grace, created our brains to be able to heal from trauma. (This is a big part of why we haven't focused much on school since the kids have been home, but have given them tons and tons of time to relive their early preschool years of playing. Playing also develops the brain.) Okay, enough of my tangent!

Going back to the beginning in some senses with our RADish is a gift because as I have learned more and more about parenting a child with RAD, I thought many times how I wish I could have a do-over. A second chance to do a better job. The learning curve is SO INCREDIBLY STEEP. And boy, OH BOY, did we ever falter our way through this last year, trying to provide firm boundaries for crazy, crazy control and manipulation and trying to provide strong nurture, even though she acted like she didn't want it. As my confidence grew in providing firm boundaries and nurture, as I learned to not fear her fits and as we began to see her doing better, many times I thought, "now that we actually have a clue how to parent this stuff, she is doing much better and we don't need to use it."

Well, we need to use it now. Even though it is only one year's worth of experience and we still have a ton to learn, parenting difficult RAD behavior with one year of experience is a HUGE GIFT compared to parenting RAD behavior having no experience like the first time around. Equally as helpful is the gift God gave me in conquering fear in my heart. Since I no longer fear any of her antics in response to me saying no or providing a firm boundary, I/we are tightening up the boundaries even more, saying, "no," 100 times a day, as she badgers and schemes for one more thing.

My friend Jen has told me from the beginning that kids from hard places need very HIGH STRUCTURE (firm boundaries) and very HIGH NURTURE (physical affection, soft eye contact, rocking, calm joyful words, etc.). {Also, part of the structure and nurture is not getting ruffled by your RADish attempts to control and manipulate. Without Jesus, this would be impossible for me!} After more than a year of attempting to do all of this, I feel like I am just now finally understanding just how firm firm boundaries need to be. Alongside giving her as much physical affection as possible my job is to be the absolutely unshakable, unmovable authority in her life, along with Jason, of course (which is really what every child needs, it is just often harder with a RADish child). Even though she pushes so hard against it, our unwavering authority - along with God's truth, power and love - is what allows her to feel safe and know she can trust us, which ultimately leads to her healing. Without God's power and truth in my own life, I could not be the mom my RADish needs.

It is a gift to now have a second chance to be even MORE loving and MORE firm with our authority for our RADish this time around. After doing just that this past week, our RADish has been doing awesome the past two days. In fact, she has just finished writing a 10-page story! I have seen this time after time. After holding tight to our loving authority in her life during her times of testing, NEW LIFE literally comes pouring out of her. But it makes sense . . . God created us all to live under His authority. Living under God's loving authority is where true LIFE is found because Jesus is the WAY, the TRUTH and the LIFE (John 14:6)! This challenges me in my own walk with Christ even as I type this.

Learning to be an unmovable authority in my RADish's life has been the single most difficult thing God has asked me to do on this journey of adopting three kids from a hard place. RADishes are so out of control and push so hard against your authority that you feel like it is impossible to fully be in charge of them. It is hard not to give in on things. I just want to encourage any of you parenting RADishes to ask God to help you provide as tight of boundaries as you can for your child(ren), lots of love/affection and the ability through the Holy Spirit to not get flustered by their control and manipulation. If He can do this work in me, He can do it in you! It is hard to do when you don't see results from it right away. But, hold firm, pray and trust God. He will use your loving authority + physical affection + calmness/staying positive in response to manipulation to bring healing. I am SO THANKFUL that He uses our feeble attempts in parenting toward healing in our kids' lives.

My friend, Jen Summer's, favorite blog post was featured on We Are Grafted In this week. It came at the perfect time for me to read again this past week. If you are in the middle of the difficulty of parenting a child with attachment challenges, you will find her post incredibly encouraging! It is also great to read if you want to understand more about the journey of parenting a child with attachment challenges. 

And Then the Enemy Attacked . . .

Three weeks ago was one of the best weeks we have had as a family and it was preceded by several good weeks. God was doing some really cool things. I blogged about it for heaven's sake! Homeschooling was going great, our RADish was showing more signs of healing and attachment than ever before and life was, dare I say . . . normal?  Not to mention God had already begun using Jason's job - though officially a fundraising position - to advocate for some kids in the foster system who need families and want to be adopted.

And then last week the enemy attacked . . .

Last Tuesday night our sweet RADish had possibly the worst raging episode up to that time. It was by far the most evil. To be honest, I thought these terrible rages might be behind us. She had made so much progress in attachment that I was surprised by the need to test our love was still there. But, alas, I am still learning a lot about the complex world of attachment challenges. When the rage was over, she allowed me to give her tons of love and affection, so that was good. But, to have grown much more emotionally close to my girl and then have an episode like felt like whiplash and triggered some of my own trauma from last year.

The very next night we were in Ankeny having dinner with a couple who wanted to know more about adoption. My mom called me frantically to tell me that Abram was having a febrile (fever) seizure. He had had a fever that day and this was his 5th or 6th febrile seizure since he was about one so I told her to stay calm. Then mom said Abram's mouth and nose were blue. That has never happened before. I hung up, called 911 (as I cursed the enemy) and we raced back to Ames, praying and frantically texting and calling people to pray. Abram came out of the seizure normally, after about two minutes, but the paramedics still took him to the ER in the ambulance (with my mom) to have him checked out. We arrived at the hospital the same time as the ambulance. Besides looking terrible from being sick, he was fine and we were able to go home a couple hours later. (P.S. The last febrile seizure Abram had was the very first night our three African kids slept under our roof . . . Hello spiritual warfare!)

And just for fun. . . before I went to bed Wednesday night, I listened to a message I had on my phone. It was Sam's Club telling me that the two containers of spinach I bought (and we had eaten part of, of course) were being recalled for ecol i. Seriously?!? At this point, I almost laughed. Really, Satan, do you think Jesus is not bigger than ecol i?? 

Sometime during one of those days last week, I took Zoe's hair out and then did hair for the better part of two days. (While I really love doing the girls' hair, doing hair completely takes over life and I lose all control of everything else, which I don't like!) Suffice to say we were a little weary by the end of last week. Jesus and His Word sustained us and we were so thankful for the many friends and family praying for us.

The verse I happened to be memorizing last week was 2 Corinthians 9:8 . . . "And God is able to make EVERY grace overflow to you, so that in EVERY way always having EVERYthing you need, you may excel in EVERY good work."

God made many, many graces overflow to us last week in the midst of spiritual attack, but perhaps the biggest grace (if there is such a thing!) is how God's TRUTH has CONQUERED FEAR in my heart. As Jason and I drove from Ankeny to Ames (25 minutes), not knowing what was going on with Abram, having no idea if he was breathing or not . . .

I DID NOT HAVE FEAR IN MY HEART.

I think I need to say it again . . . I DID NOT HAVE FEAR IN MY HEART.

The ONLY explanation for this is God's grace and the power of His TRUTH that has overcome my fear. If Abram's incident would have happened in any of the previous 35 years of my life, I would have been an anxiety-wrecked woman, paralyzed by fear. But, as I went through the worst case scenarios in my head in the car (as I'm guessing every woman does!), God's powerful truth overcame them.

If the worst happened and Abram died . . . death has lost its sting because of Jesus' death on the cross. I would see my boy again in heaven and while immensely painful, God would use it for good here on earth. God has every one of my kids' days numbered. I can rest in God's sovereignty. (Little disclaimer: In no way do I mean to say if you have lost a child, just believe these truths and everything will be okay. I know it is much more complicated and difficult than that. I say what I did to show how God's truth helped me in my few minutes of fear, not how easy it would be to deal with the loss of a child.)

If Abram did not get enough oxygen to his brain and he was impaired in some way . .  we would still be okay. We are parenting kids with difficult issues now and God would see us through it again.

People, this is not the me that I have known most of my life! I recently listened to an excellent message series by Beth Moore where she encouraged women to let God live through you in a way that you no longer recognize who you are. I cried in awe of God when I heard her say that because I realized it was true of me. I don't recognize myself with this new freedom to NOT FEAR. Yes, I still struggle with fear and I have to FIGHT it with TRUTH, but fear no longer enslaves me.

The primary way God has overcome fear in my life is through my sweet RADish girl. Parenting her has exposed every weakness and frailty in me. All of her crazy, difficult, manipulating behavior in the past year left me feeling unimaginable losses of control (which led to fear). In learning to parent her from a Biblical perspective, God has given me hundreds of opportunities to BELIEVE HIS TRUTH in the midst of situations that looked and felt absolutely out of control and horrible. I can easily say this past year has been the most heart-transforming for me than any of my other 18 years of knowing Jesus. I am so grateful to God for what He has done.

To God be the glory as He continues to heal my daughter . . . and me.

An Update . . . Really!

I must say it felt a little bit weird to 1) actually open my blog and 2) click on "new post." I haven't been sure I would blog again. I'm not even sure why. Just a new stage of life, I guess. But, I've been thinking about doing an update since the beginning of the year. And a few days ago I received an unbelievable gift worthy of showing off God's power and glory. So, lo and behold, here I am writing a blog post with an update for the first time in three months!

Thanksgiving was very hard for the kids and for me. Turns out I have had expectations of what Thanksgiving would be like when I had a family. And we weren't the happy, close-knit family I envisioned (at least not yet). I had a huge breakdown Thanksgiving night. I remember telling Jason through my sobs, "... and my kids don't even tell me that they love me." This had been the case for the previous year and it never bothered me. But all of a sudden my kids not ever telling me they love me - along with many other adoption-related issues - did bother me. Ahhh! Part of the problem was that Thanksgiving coincided with the transition from "the crazy/hard first year" to "normal life." Although the first year of adding three new kids with traumatic histories to your family at one time is CRAZY and HARD (but absolutely worth it!), the nice part about it is that if your kids haven't brushed their teeth in two days, you can say "well, its the first year!" After we hit the one-year home mark (October 28th), I think I thought life was supposed to be more normal. But, ha! much of it still wasn't "normal."

Christmas was WONDERFUL! I lowered my expectations, focused on Jesus, we limited extended family time (for the sake of normalcy for our kids) and we didn't travel anywhere. Success! Praise the Lord!

New Years Eve was a disaster! Oh boy. We tried to go to an indoor water park/hotel for a couple nights with several good friends. Our RADish still struggles with a great deal of fear and staying in a hotel pushed all kinds of her triggers (I saw in hind sight). I had breakdown #2 of the holidays in the front seat of our van while driving away one night earlier than we planned, leaving all of our friends.

January has been GOOD! It has been filled with more homeschooling than last semester, increased structure in our days and little time away from home. The combination of those three things has been wonderful for all of us! I do school with the girls every Monday-Thursday morning (Fridays we clean - woohoo!). We are focusing on reading well. Zoe is reading very, very well and while Claire is  a ways behind Zoe, she continues to make great, steady progress. Attachment and healing are still our main priority with the three kids (two of them more than one).

Jason started a new job at the beginning of January. This is an amazing answer to an over two-year prayer of mine (and a good friend!), asking God to provide Jason a job in Ames. He had previously been commuting 40 minutes TWICE a day to Johnston. Not only did God give him a job in Ames, but God provided a job that allows Jason to fund raise (his profession) for an organization (LSI) that does a lot of work that we are passionate about - namely adoption and foster care, but LSI also helps refugees, disabled, elderly, etc. Jason travels a little, but most days he is now home shortly after 5:00p. Its GLORIOUS! Perhaps this is why January was so good. Just kidding. But not totally! His working in Ames has been an amazing blessing in many ways in the short month he has been there. God is so good!

This picture (we sent for Christmas) tells the story almost better than my words could:

GOD IS HEALING OUR CHILDREN! 

You can see it in their faces. 

They belong to us and we belong to them.

It is hard into put words to the slow, steady climb of attachment and healing as it continues after the first year. Without fail, every step forward still comes after pushing and testing to make sure we are not going to leave, not going to stop loving them. Although our RADish still has a lot of crazy, controlling and manipulating behavior, I have seen significant growth in attachment over the past few months. Having that attachment in place makes it much easier to endure the crazy (not-yet-fully-attached) behavior. She has recently started giving me hugs for the first time since she has been my daughter, 15 months ago. She asks for Jason and I to hug and kiss her goodnight every night. And just in the past couple days she has started sweetly and genuinely thanking me for normal things I do for her or give her. HELLO healing!! 

Perhaps the most telling evidence of God's power and healing is a note my little RADish wrote me last Friday. She got upset at me for something. Two hours of manipulation ensued. I asked for her forgiveness for my part of the mishap and then pulled her on my lap and rocked her, holding her tight (she now snuggles in and lets me hold her tightly, which never used to happen). We talked about what happened. I told her I can see Jesus healing her heart more and more, that I love her and that I am so happy she is my daughter. A little while later, I got a delivery from the mail man (Isaiah!) with a note that said:

I'm so happy that you so happy to

Thank you for talk to me a good thing

You my best mama

Love you mama

You make me so happy

Thank you for every thing

Oh, the wonders God has done (Psalm 40:5)! Of course tears fell out of my eyes reading her note. Jesus is truly the HEALER of the broken-hearted. He is turning my daughter's heart of stone into a heart of flesh (Ezekiel 11:9). His truth is triumphing the evil and lies that used to hold her captive. There will still be hard days ahead (in fact, she's in a big funk as I type this!). But, I feel like we have made it - BY THE GRACE OF GOD - to the other side of the steep, steep mountain that is loving a child with an attachment disorder. The arduous climb up that mountain has, without question, been WORTH IT! 

Praise be to the Lord God, the God of Israel,

    who alone does marvelous deeds.

¹⁹ 

Praise be to his glorious name forever;

    may the whole earth be filled with his glory.

Amen and Amen.

Psalm 72:18-19

Halloween

Last year our kids had been home a couple days so we shut the curtains and kept our outside lights off on Halloween. Even though it is not my favorite holiday, I have to say it was really fun this year. It was fun to start a new tradition of carving pumpkins (something none of the kids have done before) and get the kids ready for trick-or-treating as a family who feels like a FAMILY - everyone was speaking English and no one was hiding under the table or having a major meltdown! 

We carved pumpkins the night before Halloween. 

Claire wanted Africa on her pumpkin. I wasn't sure how we were going to pull that off, but thanks to tracing a map with a piece of paper laid on my computer screen, we got it done! I love that she wanted Africa on her pumpkin.

Zoe wanted a girl . . . with a "Z" on the side.

On Halloween night, Zoe was an Indian Princess, Abram an elephant and Isaiah a brown bear. Claire wanted to hand out candy - a perfect job for her, Miss Social/Lover of Kids.

Post-Halloween picture with her lit-up pumpkin.

ONE YEAR!

Last Sunday (October 28th) marked our ONE YEAR mark with our African kids! We were out of town over the weekend for a family wedding so that was part of our celebration. After thinking about the craziest  year of our lives and making it to the one year mark, I decided to celebrate all week long last week!

What an incredibly different family we are one year later!

TO GOD BE THE GLORY FOR ALL HE HAS DONE IN US, FOR US, WITH US, THROUGH US AND IN SPITE OF US.

I'm a little late blogging about the big one year, partly because we were out of town and partly because all last week I was processing all that it means to have made it to the one year mark. At first, I almost didn't want to think back on the year. It was by far the hardest year of my life and in many ways, I didn't want to relive some of it. But, it was also the most WORTH IT year of my life and God did SO MUCH. I'm really glad I blogged a lot when they came home so I can read what happened and remember the details. Otherwise, it would be impossible to remember much of what happened. It is like a decade worth of life happened in just one year. In fact, my friend Jill (who walked very closely with me through this last year) said, "in some ways it seems like they have been home for a year and in other ways, it seems like they have been here for TEN YEARS." She was right on.

Last Monday I decided I would work on a photo album for the kids all week (if I don't do it now, I can't see when it might ever get done!). It has been good to go back and look at all the pictures from when the kids came home and talk to them about it. The girls haven't had too much to say about it. Claire said she was surprised to see all the people at the airport because she thought the escort would bring them all the way to our house. :) Isaiah was such a baby when he came. I feel like he has grown up three years worth (which is probably true, emotionally).

Last week I also decided to read each corresponding day from last year on my blog as I go along in the next weeks (today I read what I blogged on November 5th last year, etc.). Reading things like, "I saw Claire first (at the airport) and her eyes lit up when she saw me. She came right toward me to give me a hug," is something I do not remember, but it so fun to think about now that I really know her. Of course her eyes lit up - that is Claire! I didn't remember that Claire and Abram were buddies so soon at the restaurant and he asked to sit by her. I could go on and on! I'm trying not to cringe too much at the many things I said were good to do that I would not do if I had new kids placed with us now. :) But, hindsight is 20/20, right? All the reading in the world could never prepare you for adding three kids (two being older) to your family when you have only had a two year old. 

I've realized half of the incredible difficulty of the past year was not having a routine of life for older kids that our girls could jump into. Trying to make up our daily routine, figure out expectations, decide how we wanted our kids to act at the table and every other thing that usually becomes part of your family DNA over time - all at once - was a huge challenging factor (having nothing to do with adoption issues). I'm very glad to be over that hump. 

Another thing I have thought about is that "Gotcha" Day is just not the word to use to describe and celebrate the day our kids came into our family. I have no problem with other people using this word (and don't worry if you said it to me!). If you have been reading my blog, you know my kids have each struggled in HUGE ways adjusting to our family. In many ways their coming into our family has not been a happy thing for them. While we are so thankful (beyond words) that Claire, Zoe and Isaiah are part of our family, their coming into our family TO THEM represents a TON of loss, grief and trauma. Some days even now, two of my kids are still trying to figure out if they are happy to have been "gotten" by us and be part of our family. Homecoming Day is a better way to describe it for our family. 

And, I am very much praising God for the family that we are today. Just the fact that we feel like a REAL, TRUE FAMILY is an incredible blessing and evidence of God's work in all of us. He has done so much. My two favorite things about God in this last year: 1) Watching Him move mountains (healing my children), right in front of my face many, many times and 2) Seeing God come through for me EVERY time I needed Him to. 

I'm so glad God has allowed me experience all of the ups and downs of this past year. The highs were HIGH and the lows were LOW. Hard as it was, I wouldn't trade any of it for the world. Watching three former orphans become your children, learn to love and be loved (or at least on their way), develop personalities and talents and abilities and begin to hunger for spiritual things has blessed my life in unbelievable ways. Not only are my kids completely different kids than they were a year ago, I am different person and a much different mom. God has used this last year to allow me to know Jesus more, depend on Him more and live on His Word more than ever before. I don't ever want that to stop!

Zoe

Zoe and Claire with their cousins (and best friends), Sydney and Mya.

You guys, Zoe is doing SO WELL. I have had a hard time getting this post started because I am afraid I will not be able to do justice to all the ways God is working in her life - all the ways He is healing her. There wasn't really one event. (Or maybe it was the "just go throw a fit over there" bit that helped us turn a corner. Ha! I'll never know.). But about two weeks ago, I noticed her heart and disposition take another turn . . .

A turn toward me.

There is no greater joy when you are doing the attachment dance.

I don't think I ever wrote about the time about a month ago when she was SAD (I think this was a huge healing/turning point). She was sad about something she wasn't able to do (that I didn't let her do because she was trying to use manipulation). It took me about 1.5 hours to realize she was SAD and not MAD. Remember how Dr. Karyn Purvis says that "mad is really covering sad"? She was SAD and not mad for the first time ever. This means she felt safe enough and she trusted me enough to show her real feelings. I was able to encourage her that God was making her heart stronger because she was sad instead of throwing a fit. I empathized with her and told her that God gave kids mommies to comfort them when they feel sad. We rocked with candy and I had THE BEST bonding time with her EVER. I was able to literally pour out my love to her in words (while tears ran down my face), telling her how much I love her and how she is one of the most amazing girls I have ever known in my life. Because I am telling you - SHE IS.

While there is still some crazy behavior, there is such an evident and strong attachment to Jason and I forming in her. I remember reading somewhere about an easy sign of attachment:  if you glance at your child and smile and they naturally smile back - that comes from having an attachment. She totally does this. I see so much LIFE and SPARKLE in her eyes now - not fear!. She lets me hug her many times a day. She'll even let me crawl up in bed with her and snuggle with her! We are starting to see such a fun-loving girl come out of her. She laughs A LOT (and so hard!) She snaps out of her fits and funks so easily (we are talking seconds here, people!).

Zoe is my super task-oriented girl (kind of like the old me - before I had four kids!). She is always doing something. Whether crafting up something with my glue gun, reading books, coloring, cooking, doing her doll's hair, playing with dolls, dancing, and on and on. From the moment she wakes up until her head hits the pillow, she is doing something. Her abilities and talents seem to be never-ending. She can sew a Barbie dress from her old jeans, she can dance like nobody's business, she can cook, she can sing, she can write (more on that below), she is very athletic (though we haven't ventured out into that world yet), she loves to help Jason in the yard (she mowed the yard the entire summer!), she taught herself to read over the summer and I could go on. I'm telling you . . . she is amazing!

But, what is even more exciting than all of this is how Zoe's spiritual life is forming. About a month ago she asked me (rather out of the blue): "Mom, when God's people ran away from him (in the Old Testament), did He punish them or forgive them?" WOAH! We hadn't just read a certain story nor did she hear that question somewhere. She was genuinely wanting to know. It was a really good question! It was such a great opportunity to share the example of when Abram (using her as an example would have been too much) disobeys, Daddy has to discipline him, but Daddy disciplines him AND loves him AND forgives him at the same time. Because this is exactly what God does for us. Sometimes God has to do something (that feels like punishment) to stop us from going the wrong way. I remember praying that God used that time to help her see how our boundaries and structure in her life are LOVE. Getting to share truth like this regularly with my girls is my favorite part of parenting these days!

About a month ago, Zoe started writing in a notebook. And she really hasn't stopped writing! Not only do I think writing is probably one of Zoe's God-given gifts, but I think God is really using it to help her express thoughts and feelings that she has inside that she is not yet ready to say out loud.  She writes stories and songs and prayers. The things she writes about BLOW MY MIND AND HEART AWAY. They usually are about God's truth and what He has done for her, thanking Him for giving her a good family, thanking Him for forgiving her and on and on. Can you believe this?! It fills my heart with incredible JOY.

Another way I can tell her attachment is growing and she is healing is how she interacts with her brothers. She didn't used to have much of a relationship with them (because if you don't have an attachment with one or more parent, you literally don't know how to have relationships with anyone else). But she has started to form relationships with both the boys. It is so fun to see. She helps them and she makes tents and forts for them and most recently she has been playing "school" with them (hilarious!). Abram loves to run up and give her a hugs, which is so sweet (especially if you knew how non-existant this was).

Hopefully you can see what an amazing work God has been doing in Zoe's life. So many other little things have happened that show God's healing in her life but I can't remember half of them! Getting to be part of God's redemptive work in her life has been the HARDEST but MOST WORTH IT thing I have ever experienced. I love her so incredibly much! Getting to be her mom is one of the greatest privileges I could ever have imagined. I can't wait for how God will continue to heal and restore her and use her life for His glory.

Claire

 I thought I would give a little update on the girls (first Claire, then Zoe in the next post). We have had two VERY GOOD weeks with the girls. Way more non-therapeutic parenting going on than therapeutic parenting. I am praising God for His goodness and grace to continue to heal my kids.

It has been fun to start helping the girls see some of the gifts that God has given them, help them be able to use them and encourage them as they use their gifts. This part of parenting is awesome! God has given Claire a gift to love and help younger kids. It is very evident in her life.

God provided a really great opportunity for Claire to use this gift a couple months ago. The girls go to a homeschool coop class (drawing) for one hour every Tuesday. There is a Kindergarten/1st grade coop class two hours a week at the same building on Thursdays and the teacher was looking for a helper. After hearing how much Claire loves helping out at church with younger kids, the teacher asked if Claire could be her helper. It is such a win, win, win situation. Claire loves helping younger kids, she is good at it (she is not shy, but confidant and takes initiative to help) and she is sure to learn a lot in that class. I love how God orchestrated this!

A couple months ago I asked Claire to give the boys a bath and put their p-pops on because I was finishing up Zoe's hair after dinner and Jason was working late. Not only did she do that, but when I went in the boys room to check on them, I found Claire reading to the boys on the bed, one boy on either side of her (she can't even really read yet, but she tells stories from the pictures - I love it!). Each boy had their own monkey all wrapped up in a blanket. Abram's monkey had a diaper on (just like he wears) and Isaiah's monkey had a pull-up on (just like he wears). Of course Claire had helped them do all of that. It was too stinkin' cute!

Claire is VERY relational. She likes being around other people and I am still amazed at her confidence in interacting with others. She is also quite perceptive when it comes to relationships. She is very aware of people's feelings and interactions. The other day we had some new friends over (three kids, their mom and their grandma). After they had been here for about ten minutes, I looked over and saw that the grandma had a glass of water. And that was because Claire (unbeknownst to me) had already asked if they wanted water. Sheesh! She put me to shame in the hospitality department! Combining her past experiences (being in need and being an older child helping others in Africa) with her budding maturity and gifts from God, this girl has an amazing heart to help other people. If you were to ask her what she wants to do when she gets older, she would tell you she wants to go back to Congo and help kids. If this is God's plan for her, we would LOVE to cooperate with God to help her achieve it. 

But for now we are working on helping her obey mom and dad. :) She struggles with this (of course - what child doesn't?!). She is so much like me . . . the oldest child of the family who is often times too responsible for others and tries to be in charge too much and she is very emotional. It is great to be able to impart God's truth to her daily as we parent her now. On more than one occasion I have told her that I think God has great plans to use her life for His kingdom (which she is excited about) but obeying mom and dad is the best thing she can do to prepare for that now. :) 

Claire is my laid-back, likes-to-lounge-around girl. I love how genuine she is. She has matured SO MUCH in the last months so she doesn't like to play nearly as much as she did before. She and I share lots of clothes these days. :) School is not Claire's strong suit, but little by little she is starting to make progress with reading and math. She loves to listen to stories so in addition to me reading to her, she listens to a lot of stories on CD and books on CD from the library. She loves hugs and reminds us if we have forgotten (or if she thinks we will forget!) to give her a hug and kiss before bed. 

I am so incredibly blessed to be Claire's mom. SO BLESSED. I can't imagine my life without her. She is doing so well that I feel like she has been my daughter forever. In fact, sometimes I am caught off-guard when a situation reminds me of what her life used to be like before she came into our family. It almost doesn't seem possible. I am blown away by God's ability to HEAL and RESTORE a child's life after he/she has been through and witnessed such tragedy. It has been an amazing joy to watch God work in her life and see her blossom into the girl (on her way to being a woman really fast!) He created her to be. Words could never express how THANKFUL I am that God chose me to be her mom. He is so GOOD!

Claire with her cousin, Mya.

Facing My Biggest Fear: The Fit

Fear is my biggest weakness. Satan knows it and has preyed on my fear in a number of ways throughout my life and now is no exception. God is also quite aware of the fear in my heart and is graciously using my RADish to really dig out the root of it. At the Nancy Thomas seminar we attended a few weeks ago (SO GOOD!), I realized that the biggest issue needing addressed in my parenting was my fear of my RADish's fits. It sounds so ridiculous, doesn't it? Fearing a fit? Sheesh, Jen, get it together. 

But, I fear her fits because they make me feel COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTROL. They are big, ugly and leave me having no idea what to do. OUT OF CONTROL = FEAR in my sinful heart. God is trying to change the equation to OUT OF CONTROL = TRUSTING THAT GOD IS ABSOLUTELY SOVEREIGN AND TOTALLY IN CONTROL (no matter how it looks or feels). I am such a slow learner because this continues to be one of the biggest things I struggle with!

God used my time with Nancy Thomas to help me gain more tools to deal with my RADish's control and manipulation - especially THE FIT. 

The Monday after the conference, I had a prime opportunity to use one of my new tools. Of course, my RADish most often throws fits when I say NO. In hindsight, I realize that (prior to seeing Nancy Thomas) I would dance around my "no" to my daughter out of fear of the fit. As the fit started going down, I would often say, "well, if you can ask me with respect..." and then I would often let her do or have what she was asking for. (Occasionally this is not bad to do. But I was doing it a lot.)

So, the Monday after the conference, the kids and I were at a gas station waiting for our van to get worked on. I got the kids popcorn for a snack. My RADish was badgering me (it is a very aggressive/manipulative kind of asking that's hard to describe) to get something else for a snack. This is where in the past I would have made her ask with respect and just got something else so I didn't have to deal with a fit. Instead, thanks to Nancy Thomas and GOD'S GRACE, I laid down a very firm, but positive, "No. We are having popcorn." A big fit began, as expected. So (here comes the new tool...), I pointed to a nearby chair and said, very positively and without sarcasm,"Hey Zo, see that chair right there? That would be a really good place to throw a fit. Just go over there and throw a fit." She squirmed in her chair, a little frustrated, and tried a new angle with the fit. I said, "its okay, you can stay right there and give me your best mad." After I said that, I saw her face change. Her countenance deflated as she realized her fit was not ruffling my feathers or affecting me one bit. (And that is the point of most therapeutic parenting techniques for kids with attachment issues - to do something to address the behavior without letting it ruffle your feathers. This helps explain why the learning curve is so darn high!) 

After a little more squirming she stopped her fit completely and went about a normal conversation. Strike up the hallelujah chorus...I wanted to do a cartwheel right then and there! As we walked back to where our van was, I was marching and walking goofy and she joyfully followed, right in step with me. We were back in connection, enjoying each other. Thank you God. 

I felt such victory that day because not only was the "go throw a fit" tool successful, but God helped me overcome my fear of her fits. Laying down firm NO's is crucial to providing the high structure that will lead my RADish to trust me and fully heal. If she can get me to cave a lot who is in control? She is. And she cannot trust me if I am not strong enough to be in control and stand firm against her control and manipulation (that she has had to use to survive). But attachment-challenged children PUSH and PUSH and PUSH your every button (and they know your exact button!) to make darn sure they are going to be able to trust you. 

God used that day to boost my confidence to keep giving firm no's when needed, which is A LOT considering how constantly she asks for things. Yes, we need to give as many YES's as we can to meet needs and provide high nurture. That is why we make our kids ask for everything - to get water, to go to the bathroom, to put salt on their food, to have a napkin, etc., We are making up for the 100,000 needs an infant has in the first year of life. When that infant gets 100,00 YESes that first year, they TRUST and ATTACH to their parents. But, we are also providing all the NO's a parent gives in the second year of life (and beyond) as a child explores his/her boundaries. The NO's help them feel SAFE (even though they don't like hearing it). The YES's in the first year (+) and the NO's in the second year of life (+) are what help children develop a conscience (from "Understanding and Treating the Severely Disturbed Child" by Foster Cline via Nancy Thomas). This was a very cool new thing I learned from Nancy Thomas a few weeks ago.

If you made it through all of this, thanks for reading and tracking with me as I process all of this! 

Life These Days

Remember me? Yes, it has been awhile.

I feel like life these days almost defies words. In a lot of ways we have found our new normal. My kids very much feel like my kids (probably not 100% yet, but we are getting close). I love them so much and can't imagine life without them. We don't have very many big crisis moments (hours of rages and days full of disrespect) anymore. And for that I am SO THANKFUL. And  just in the past few weeks there has been MAJOR evidence of God's healing and attachment in my RADish - more than ever before. HALLELUJAH! Seriously, it is one of the most amazing things to experience.

But, there is still constant crazy manipulative behavior (many different varieties) daily, even in the midst of a lot of healing. As life gets more "normal" the challenges become more constant throughout the day. There for awhile I wasn't sure if crisis mode was harder or constant mode is harder. The constant manipulation and control is exhausting and emotionally draining to endure and to try to figure out how to parent. And the transition to more constant, controlling behavior was difficult (as are any kind of transitions for me). In crisis mode, there is no choice but to cling to Jesus for my every breath and word. But, as the crazy behavior became more of a normal part of my day, I found myself in my default self-sufficiency mode. There were a few weeks in there that I felt I was totally in a spiritual fog, trying to learn how to trust in Jesus moment by moment in what seemed more like more normal life. God is faithful and His Ways are always the best. I didn't understand those foggy weeks, but I'm glad they are over.

Another sign that life is beginning to resemble a new "normal" is that I exercised all five days in a row last week . . . for the first time in a YEAR! And what's more is that I actually showered five days in a row for the first time in almost year, also. :) And I even am wearing makeup today 'just because' (in the past I needed to have a darn good reason to take the time to do that!).  These things all contribute to life feeling more "normal" even in the midst of lots of crazy behavior. I guess I am finally learning to function well with the CRAZY (not-yet-attached behaviors).

Part of the crazy is Isaiah. While his behavior doesn't look crazy, he is struggling a lot right now, and his behavior is a bit puzzling and very frustrating. Sometimes I feel like he is the least attached of all the kids. So, I am back to rocking him and singing with him and asking God for wisdom to know what else we should do to love and care for him.

Over the summer I felt able to start doing a few things for other people, a few more things outside our home, going more places, etc.  But, I've had to pull most of it all back in so that I have enough emotional energy to parent my kids well. Oh yeah, and to home school . . . a little! We are still very much on the low-intensity side of home schooling.  But, it is fun to see the girls start to learn to read.

I'm thankful to feel more and more equipped every day to handle the control and manipulation that goes on. In some ways I feel like I am just now "getting it." Practice doesn't make perfect, but I'm realizing PRACTICE (along with the Holy Spirit!) does help a great deal in learning this whole other world called therapeutic parenting. Dealing with a child day after day with attachment issues really is like stepping into  completely OTHER WORLD. That's the only way I know to describe it. The other day I felt like I've learned more in the last year than I if I would have went to college this last year!

But, I'm so THANKFUL. God continues to give me so much joy and peace in the midst of the crazy and the teenager attitudes (oh yes, lots of that, too!). There is no other explanation for it besides Jesus being alive and living in me through the Holy Spirit. I'm thankful for all the fun we have together as a family. We laugh our heads off together most nights at the dinner table. Even though there is still a lot of crazy, taxing behavior, we are more bonded as a family than ever before. Ah, what a difference that makes! It think that is what makes the biggest difference right now. Feeling more bonded as a family and seeing with my own eyes evidence of attachment in my RADish makes handling the hard, crazy behavior so much better. I'm thankful to the point of tears to see signs and to start to FEEL an attachment with my younger daughter. I'm thankful for all of the opportunities we have to speak the Truth to our kids and to see the girls really start to get spiritual things.

Most of all, I'm thankful that God continues to be faithful to us and come through for me EVERY TIME. Like last Wednesday . . . it was our first home school coop field trip (to the orchard/pumpkin patch). I hardly even remember the details of what happened before we left, but my RADish took off on a manipulation frenzy. I am usually able (by the grace of God) to stay calm, but the stress of needing to get out of the door by a specific time was pressing in on me and I was about to LOSE IT! (This is exactly why our life is such that we don't HAVE to be anywhere at a certain time most days.) After contemplating not going, I got everyone in the van but I was an emotional wreck. I was a wreck from the bewilderment of manipulation and I was nervous not knowing how it was going to go for my kids to be at a new big place with tons of people. And to be completely honest, I was feeling alone thinking about being with lots of other families who don't understand what it is like to live with RAD and to have just spent your morning detangling the webs of control and manipulation. I prayed as I drove and I specifically asked God to come through for me and provide what I needed. I didn't even know what I needed.

As I pulled in the parking lot, the woman getting out of the van next to me was a very dear friend of mine who mentored me as a new believer and has shaped my life a ton since then. I don't get to see her very often and I didn't expect her to be there. I think my heart rate went down just simply seeing her standing there. She came over and gave me a big hug, not knowing how much I really needed a hug in that moment. God blew me away having this friend be the very first person I saw. We then ended up in a tour group with this friend and two other friends of mine.  I spent the rest of the day with the second two women and their kids - one of which is my daughters' friend. God provided exactly what we needed. He is so faithful!

I would not trade this life for anything. It is not easy, but I love watching God come through day, after day, after day.

Love Don't Cost Nada

Our friend, Jason and Jess Crawford, are adopting two kids from the same country as us.  Jason Crawford's employer is generously hosting a fundraiser for their adoption this Friday night. It sounds very fun! We are going and we have tickets to sell also. Let me know if you would like tickets.

She Needed Me

The girls had their first hour-long home school co-op class (drawing) this past Tuesday (its a once a week class). They had been looking very forward to it and of course Zoe had been trying to convince me that she should stay there all day. :) When we got to their class, guess who was hanging onto me with both hands, scared out of her sweet little mind? Yes, my Zoe. As the class was starting, I if she wanted me to wait outside the class by the window so she could still see me. She did. I told her I could stay as long as she needed and she could wave me off when she was ready for me to go. Twice, as I stood at the window, she looked up at me for reassurance. After about 10 minutes, I saw the girls talk and then Claire waved at me that I could go.

As I drove off, I felt more like Zoe's mom than I ever have in the past 10.5 months. I was filled with incredible hope and joy because MY GIRL NEEDED ME. AND SHE DEPENDED ON ME for those 20 minutes before and after her class started. I was her lifeline in those moments. Oh, the joy for this mom!

As I drove off filled with more hope than I have had in awhile, I also felt like God gave me spiritual eyes to see all the love, trust, care, nurture and structure that I have poured into her for the last ten months. God helped me see that it is all still in her . . . it has not been in vain (contrary to how I feel a lot). He encouraged me to keep believing that SHE WILL TRUST ME  - it is just going to continue to take a lot of time.

Observing Zoe in that classroom (and at two different social events this past weekend - hiding) has reminded me of an important truth about attachment. A secure attachment with a parent is the basis for all other relationships. Kids are not able to have healthy relationships if they do not have a secure relationship with a parent. Even with my nieces and even with a couple friends she knows from church, Zoe struggles to have normal/real/healthy relationships with them right now.

God has used these observations to encourage me to keep on making attachment our number one focus right now. Even when I feel misunderstood by people who don't understand why our kids aren't in public school or why the girls don't read yet or why they don't have many friends yet. I feel like we are walking a road much less traveled, but I know it is the best path for our family right now.

Cornerstone's Adoptive Family Picnic

This past Sunday we had a first-ever, church-wide adoptive family picnic. Having these 18 FAMILIES all in one spot, with 29 ADOPTED KIDS (not to mention many bio kids) running around and playing joyfully, talking about 9 MORE KIDS COMING HOME SOON was an incredible blessing to say the least.

"Many, LORD my God, are the wonders you have done, the things you planned for us." 
Psalm 40:5 

Since not all the adoptive families could come, here are the church-wide adoptive numbers (as far as Jason and I have figured out):

27 adoptive families

43 adopted kids

13 kids on the way

Most of this adoptive activity has all happened in the past five years. 

God is on the MOVE!!

Overdue Update

I'm not sure why it has been so long since I've blogged. Perhaps because we started home school two weeks ago. Or perhaps because I'm actually (finally) exercising regularly early in the mornings so I've been going to bed around 9:00p every night. Or maybe because I have been taking lots of naps lately during rest time.

Here is the best way I know how to sum up life lately . . .

One day I feel like: What in the world am I doing parenting two near-teenagers (who are still working on attachment)?! This is IMPOSSIBLE. I have no idea what I am doing.

And then the next day: Getting to share God's truth with my girls (who can understand so much more now) is the BEST JOB IN THE WHOLE WORLD. I love this!

Back and forth. Back and forth.

And of course, there are the two boys. They have their fair amount of trouble, but they play so well together most of the time. Watching them play together or ride their red trikes together or dig in the dirt together is one of the biggest joys of my life right now.

Zoe had a really hard time accepting that she had to stay home for school. To quote the last blog post I did weeks ago, there was "screaming, kicking, hysterical hysterics" the week before we started school.  But it was more than just a "school" issue. It was very much a trusting mom and dad issue that she was struggling with. Trusting that we know what is best for. The fact that she is so mad about not getting to go to school shows where her heart is and it is not near us, it is not trusting us. She needs more time at home to heal and attach.God used that very difficult day three weeks ago to help her grieve and move forward and by the next day, she had her back pack on, eagerly asking me if we could go get the home school room ready. I was so thankful!

And by "home school," let me just tell you, it is very laid back "school" we are attempting here. Attachment and healing are still our number one priorities. The first few days of school both girls struggled with heart and attitude issues BIG TIME - which again is why they need to be home . . . so we can work on those heart issues that never got worked on when they were toddlers, then kindergartners, and all the other younger years we missed with them. Home schooling is providing some much needed structure in our mornings that is turning out to be SO GOOD for all of us. Overall, after two weeks, I would say home schooling is going well.

Some days life feels rather "normal." And then other days it seems as if my three African kids' past trauma is spilling out everywhere. By the end of this past Thursday, I felt worn to the bone by all the trauma responses . . . worn out by the constant attempts to control, worn out by the gigantic emotional episodes and worn out by the dead-pan, lifeless looks. By the grace of God, I am learning to come alongside them and patiently help them to learn how to use respectful words to express the big feelings they have inside of them, instead of using the unhealthy ways they used to survive. Lately, I feel like this is all I do. (Maybe this is why I have been taking more naps lately!) And I don't always do it with grace and patience. I fail a lot. But, God is working on my heart, just as He is working on theirs.

Some days I am so encouraged by how far all of my kids have come and other days it seems like my kids are not ever going to be fully healed and attached. Just this past week when I was discouraged about this, God gently reminded me that these are former orphans that we are caring for (I often forget because they are MY KIDS!). He is asking me simply to be faithful to care for them. And not worry about how their lives are going to turn out. That gives me much PEACE.

And then there are days like yesterday that I am filled with such joy at the little things. I stopped by the bread store close to my house and left the kids in the van while I ran in. When I came out of the store, the parking lot was filled with the loud sound of all four of my kids singing, 'Our God is Greater' at the top of their lungs through my van windows. It was an incredibly sweet sound that brought a huge smile to my face!

But, perhaps the sweetest moment YET in this whole adoption journey took place a few weeks ago. Claire and I were sitting on the deck, doing her nails. Through a series of conversations, we were talking about the details of her adoption. It was fun to talk about now that she can understand so much more. She asked me about the first picture we got of her so we looked at it on my computer. We were talking about how small she was and she said she was so small because she was sad and scared then. She was standing close to me and I had my arm around her shoulder as we looked at the picture of that very small, sad girl. She said, 'I was so sad inside, but nobody knew it.' Without hesitating (because the Holy Spirit pushed the words out of my mouth), I said, 'but Somebody DID KNOW that you were sad . . . didn't He?' She nodded her head in agreement and moved closer into me. I turned to her and put my hands on each of her shoulders. I looked her right in the eyes and said, 'God SAW you and He HEARD you (she told me earlier about something she prayed that God very clearly answered) and He RESCUED you. And He brought you into this family to heal your heart and help you know Him really well. He wants you to learn a lot in school and He wants to use your life to help others . . . . because you know what it is like to not have a mom and a dad.' Of course, by this point tears were filling my eyes. Getting to speak God's truth into my kids' lives is one of the greatest joys I have ever experienced.

So, let the roller coaster continue. The lows are low and the highs are high, but it is all WORTH IT . . . for the glory of God!