Here are some random topics I'm feeling the need to provide some follow-up on.
Follow-up Item No.1 Our African kids' birthdays. I posted them awhile go (primarily for some families members who asked) and Jason informed me I posted them incorrectly. Oops! Claire: July 25 (turning 11), Zoe: August 19 (turning 9), Isaiah: October 12 (turning 4)
Follow-up Item No. 2 Zoe's card to Jason for his birthday. I had said I couldn't wait to post what Zoe wrote on Jason's birthday card. However, after Jason read it, he preferred for me to not post it because it was so incredible - almost a sacred glimpse into her soul.
Follow-up Item No 3 A very good comment regarding a statement I made in my blog post yesterday.
My statement was, "while adopting older and/or special needs children is extremely difficult, it is also extremely DOABLE." Here is the comment my friend Sandra made (and I am very thankful she brought up these important thoughts!):
Thanks so much for this article and your individual thoughts. I see your point and respect where it is coming from, but I disagree that it is extremely doable for everyone - especially for families who need two incomes or families where the Mom's job provides the insurance, etc.
Mom's need to know upfront that they will need to be at home providing safe boundaries for a long time (years!)
In the China program, we've seen alot of older kid/SN adoptions disrupted because the parents were simply not able to... or willing to... or maybe did not have the skill to...
I think alot of parents thought, "OK! Our kid is in 3rd grade so we'll just put them in school." But you know it simply is not like that for kids from hard places.
If anyone is thinking of adopting an older child or a child with special needs, I highly recommend ALOT of reading and meeting other adoptive parents (like you!) who have walked that beautiful journey.
I am SO THANKFUL for Sandra's wise input. When I went back just now and read my own words "extremely DOABLE," I'm wondering what I was smoking yesterday?!? Sheesh! Yes, it is "doable" to adopt older kids and parent them to healing, but it does come at a high price (staying home all the time, not seeing friends much, no other commitments, I could probably go on and on). And it is definitely not for everyone.
I think my heart in saying what I said is that I don't want people to so easily say, "adopting older children isn't for me because it is too hard" or because "I'm scared of the issues the kids will have." I loved the article that I mentioned because it encouraged people to consider adopting older children. I think what I should have said (instead of "extremely DOABLE" - yikes!) is that adopting older kids will be more than you can handle. But, that "more than you can handle" is DOABLE through JESUS. There. That is what I meant to say!
The Lee Three
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Friday, May 25, 2012
Some Commentary on Older Child Adoption
My friend, Janel, passed onto me this EXCELLENT blog post called The New Faces of International Adoption.
I agree with so many of the things the author says. Her main point is that most people she talks to (she facilitates international adoptions) want to adopt a healthy infant. But, the majority of the 147 million orphans in the world are not healthy infants.
She says,
I don’t feel that it’s ever right to try and guilt-trip someone into adopting, but it is good to offer people different perspectives and to challenge preconceived ideas. Not every family can or should adopt a special needs or an older child, but I would ask those families who say they “really want to make a difference” to think about ways in which they can make the biggest impact on one of the thousands of desperate, adoptable children who are waiting, waiting, waiting, right now.
I am not aware of any adoption program, anywhere in the world where healthy, adoptable infants are sitting in orphanages waiting for families.
I agree with so many of the things the author says. Her main point is that most people she talks to (she facilitates international adoptions) want to adopt a healthy infant. But, the majority of the 147 million orphans in the world are not healthy infants.
She says,
I don’t feel that it’s ever right to try and guilt-trip someone into adopting, but it is good to offer people different perspectives and to challenge preconceived ideas. Not every family can or should adopt a special needs or an older child, but I would ask those families who say they “really want to make a difference” to think about ways in which they can make the biggest impact on one of the thousands of desperate, adoptable children who are waiting, waiting, waiting, right now.
I am not aware of any adoption program, anywhere in the world where healthy, adoptable infants are sitting in orphanages waiting for families.
I thought I would share the little knowledge I have on this last statement because I don't agree with it fully. While healthy, adoptable infants are not sitting in orphanages in Congo waiting for families, MLJ Adoptions IS facilitating adoptions of infants (even infant girls) from Congo. The reason (from my limited knowledge) why healthy, adoptable infants are not sitting in orphanages waiting to be adopted is because there are plenty of families willing to adopt these infants. As soon as an infant gets arrives at an orphanage and is deemed adoptable (parental rights terminated or abandonment proved), MLJ can move that child to a foster home because there is a family ready to adopt him or her.
While I don't agree fully with the author's second statement above, I DO whole-heartedly agree with the point of her post: the majority of children waiting to be adopted in our world are older children or children with special needs.
My overall reaction to reading her well-written post is that while adopting older and/or special needs children is extremely difficult, it is also extremely DOABLE. There are great resources available to "normal" families to address the issues you may face. And it is doable primarily because Jesus is ALIVE and He cares about the fatherless and He promises to never leave us or forsake us as we care for them. HE will do the work in these children's lives through us . . . if only we give Him the chance. (And He might just change our lives, too, while we are at it!)
One more thing while I am on the topic - okay, soapbox - of older children adoption. There is something I have been wanting to say for about a month: After having our children home almost seven months now, I can say with a good deal of confidence that our ten year old girl has LESS attachment/adoption issues than our boy who came home to us at age three.
(There is a lot of commentary I could give on this but nap time is almost over so I will just leave it at that!)
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Thankful for Monday
*I started this post this past Monday and then life happened. Finished it today!
Yes, I said I am thankful it is Monday. Very thankful. Like most of you, I typically do not care for Mondays much. But, today I am very thankful for a new start to a new week and a new start to our regular schedule and routine.
We had our two most normal/best weeks yet a couple weeks ago. And then last Sunday Jason went on a business trip for four full days. And I over did the "let's do special things out of our routine since dad is gone." Lesson LEARNED.
The days while Jason was gone actually went really well.
{A sidenote cute story: Jason left really early Sunday morning. Getting the kids ready for church by myself went super well. But, when I dropped Abram off at his class at church, he was the most sad I have EVER seen him, not letting go of me. Later at lunch when my sister asked Abram why he was so sad at church Abram said in a slow, sad voice, "because I lost my Daddy." That sweet boy is definitely a Daddy's boy.}
Last Wednesday (the last day Jason was gone) became difficult by the afternoon. But God provided a meal for dinner from a friend which saved dinner time. And that afternoon, just when I was about to lose. my. mind. doing Claire's hair (I was doing it the "new" way I learned from my friend, which meant it was like starting all over in learning how to do braids . . . UGH!) . . . in walked my friend Jill to my back door, right where I was standing. God knew that I was hanging onto the last strand of my rope and He said, "here you go . . . here is some encouragement for you JUST when you need it." He is so good, people! So good.
Thursday through Sunday were H.A.R.D. For a number of reasons, a great deal of them involving MYSELF and my issues! Every RAD symptom in both of my girls made their full appearances those four days. Control, manipulation, complaining and sassiness were on full throttle. And continued through yesterday. Okay, fine. It is not like I haven't experienced these frustrating things before. The bigger problem with all of these things was that MOM was totally not prepared for it. At all. After having two of our best weeks and then a few fun days while dad was gone, my expectations were on "normal-life" mode. Not therapeutic parenting/my kids are not yet healthy and fully attached mode. So instead of having my positive, I'm-not-going-to-let-your-control-affect-my-emotions-attitude, every complaint and grumble out of the girls' mouths got under my skin. Not good.
Even yesterday one of my daughter's was grumbling about every last thing (when she throws a fit and is mad because the lemonade I made is yellow . . . wow, that's a pretty clear sign that RAD is going on!). While I was praying and asking Jesus to help me stay calm and positive, I was also asking God why it is harder to love this child now than it was a few months ago.
I think it is a new ball game now that we have seen some healthy life in all of our kids, but then they regress back to the old, survival behaviors. I have known in my head this will happen. But, experiencing it is another thing. And it has everything to do with my expectations. It is hard to bounce my expectations around as their behaviors change. By the end of yesterday (Wednesday) I finally felt like I was back in therapeutic parenting mode - expecting the girls to have crazy behaviors.
It is a crazy ride as the kids make progress toward attachment and then regress and then move forward again. At one point early in this week I honestly felt like my daughters were strangers walking around in my house. I hate that it is true, but even after nearly seven months home - when the crazy behaviors are soaring high - my feeling of connectedness to them is quite low (as I am sure theirs is to me as well). Always a good opportunity to trust that God is working when I can't see it. And then today - just three days later- I had the most incredible conversation and bonding time with one of my daugthers. She told me she is often scared of dying. So, I shared the gospel with her and we prayed together for Jesus to forgive her sins. WHAT?? She then went on to tell me many details from life in the orphanage. During that conversation, while I was walking and she was riding her bike, I couldn't imagine her not being my daughter.
Both girls are doing quite well as of today. Being home a lot, back on our normal routine has helped a ton. That, and me depending more fully on Jesus. If anything, last week was a great lesson/reminder that even when it appears the kids are doing well, we still have a LONG way to go to permanent attachment and healing. From now on when the kids are doing well we are going to keep on keeping on with our stay-close-to-home routine instead of going and doing more things that I think they are ready for - or rather, that I usually want to do.
Yes, I said I am thankful it is Monday. Very thankful. Like most of you, I typically do not care for Mondays much. But, today I am very thankful for a new start to a new week and a new start to our regular schedule and routine.
We had our two most normal/best weeks yet a couple weeks ago. And then last Sunday Jason went on a business trip for four full days. And I over did the "let's do special things out of our routine since dad is gone." Lesson LEARNED.
The days while Jason was gone actually went really well.
{A sidenote cute story: Jason left really early Sunday morning. Getting the kids ready for church by myself went super well. But, when I dropped Abram off at his class at church, he was the most sad I have EVER seen him, not letting go of me. Later at lunch when my sister asked Abram why he was so sad at church Abram said in a slow, sad voice, "because I lost my Daddy." That sweet boy is definitely a Daddy's boy.}
Last Wednesday (the last day Jason was gone) became difficult by the afternoon. But God provided a meal for dinner from a friend which saved dinner time. And that afternoon, just when I was about to lose. my. mind. doing Claire's hair (I was doing it the "new" way I learned from my friend, which meant it was like starting all over in learning how to do braids . . . UGH!) . . . in walked my friend Jill to my back door, right where I was standing. God knew that I was hanging onto the last strand of my rope and He said, "here you go . . . here is some encouragement for you JUST when you need it." He is so good, people! So good.
Thursday through Sunday were H.A.R.D. For a number of reasons, a great deal of them involving MYSELF and my issues! Every RAD symptom in both of my girls made their full appearances those four days. Control, manipulation, complaining and sassiness were on full throttle. And continued through yesterday. Okay, fine. It is not like I haven't experienced these frustrating things before. The bigger problem with all of these things was that MOM was totally not prepared for it. At all. After having two of our best weeks and then a few fun days while dad was gone, my expectations were on "normal-life" mode. Not therapeutic parenting/my kids are not yet healthy and fully attached mode. So instead of having my positive, I'm-not-going-to-let-your-control-affect-my-emotions-attitude, every complaint and grumble out of the girls' mouths got under my skin. Not good.
Even yesterday one of my daughter's was grumbling about every last thing (when she throws a fit and is mad because the lemonade I made is yellow . . . wow, that's a pretty clear sign that RAD is going on!). While I was praying and asking Jesus to help me stay calm and positive, I was also asking God why it is harder to love this child now than it was a few months ago.
I think it is a new ball game now that we have seen some healthy life in all of our kids, but then they regress back to the old, survival behaviors. I have known in my head this will happen. But, experiencing it is another thing. And it has everything to do with my expectations. It is hard to bounce my expectations around as their behaviors change. By the end of yesterday (Wednesday) I finally felt like I was back in therapeutic parenting mode - expecting the girls to have crazy behaviors.
It is a crazy ride as the kids make progress toward attachment and then regress and then move forward again. At one point early in this week I honestly felt like my daughters were strangers walking around in my house. I hate that it is true, but even after nearly seven months home - when the crazy behaviors are soaring high - my feeling of connectedness to them is quite low (as I am sure theirs is to me as well). Always a good opportunity to trust that God is working when I can't see it. And then today - just three days later- I had the most incredible conversation and bonding time with one of my daugthers. She told me she is often scared of dying. So, I shared the gospel with her and we prayed together for Jesus to forgive her sins. WHAT?? She then went on to tell me many details from life in the orphanage. During that conversation, while I was walking and she was riding her bike, I couldn't imagine her not being my daughter.
Both girls are doing quite well as of today. Being home a lot, back on our normal routine has helped a ton. That, and me depending more fully on Jesus. If anything, last week was a great lesson/reminder that even when it appears the kids are doing well, we still have a LONG way to go to permanent attachment and healing. From now on when the kids are doing well we are going to keep on keeping on with our stay-close-to-home routine instead of going and doing more things that I think they are ready for - or rather, that I usually want to do.
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