I was beginning to feel like we were starting to sink downward before we left for Burlington. Once we got home, I quickly came up for air but soon felt like we were starting to sink again. This past Saturday night Jason and I agreed that our ship is definitely sunk.
It is not one big behavior or one child or even a few big things. Its just EVERYTHING. A big part of it for me was having an intense 8 days in Burlington caring for tons and tons of needs with little-to-no downtime. And then coming home to kids with bigger-than-usual needs. I don't think I ever mentioned that one of the kids told us they wanted to go back to C twice in the last week. I realized this was probably somewhat "normal" but it sure was hard to hear and it was hard see the reality of how badly this child was hurting. In desperation I wrote my go-to friend for some advice about all of this and as always it was good. Here is just one small part of her email to me:
I would also imagine that the timing of this (going to Burlington) just happens to fall at a time where the honeymoon is wearing off for both you and them. Language is probably improving and also they may be feeling some sense of security and maybe even a tinge of emotional feelings towards one or more of the others in your family - which, because love has hurt so much in the past, will totally freak them out.
She hit the nail on the head about the timing of all of this. I think the honeymoon was starting to wear off right before we left. Abram was having a hard time then. I was sensing that we needed much more structure. Another one of the kids was starting to have a hard time.
I feel like I keep coming up for air but can barely catch my breath before I go under again. I know Jason feels the same way. I now understand the need for respite care and why my CA friend told me we have to plan monthly overnight getaways for just Jason and I. We were just starting to make a plan for that before we left. We were going to have my mom come once a week for a few weeks to watch the kids and put them to bed while we have date night to ease in to going away overnight. But, we have scrapped that and we are now going to get away this weekend even though it will be hard for the kids and will mean more regression. We have reached desperation and have to get away in order to be of any use to our kids. We have so little time during a "normal" week to talk about things (because we typically don't compromise getting 8 hours of sleep - I guess that is one thing that is going well!). And lots of things have piled up that need talked about and figured out.
A lot of things in that pile are non-adoption related, practical, every day things that usually get figured out gradually as you add children one-by-one in chronological age to your family. Should the kids pick up the play room once a day, every other day or less? After the girls help clean up in the kitchen, do they need to ask my permission to be excused (sometimes they forget to do something, etc.) or not? How long should the kids sit at the table after they are done eating? What time do the girls need to stop talking and go to sleep at night? How can I make sure that all four kids are brushing their teeth twice a day!? I could go on and on. Seriously, there are probably 100 items on this list that spin around in my head all day long. (I know part of this is my personality. I am a perfectionist and I realize that contributes to the problem. But, I'm learning that with four kids, perfectionism or not, it is plain chaos without a plan -or at least guidelines - for all of these things).
And then there is the schedule that needs a big overhaul.
And then there is our marriage that needs some attention. While our marriage is not falling apart, the stress of all of the above has brought a couple large cracks to the surface that need attention.
And there are always some adoption-related issues with the kids in that pile of things that need evaluated and discussed.
Also, we realized Saturday night that we are both in need of better self-care plans. Ironically, I just read the "Parent's Self Care" section in Attaching in Adoption on Friday morning while I was exercising. However, I left the gym early because I was so overwhelmed with my life (now that's bad!).
I thought I would share a few of the tools mentioned for self-care because they are good. And I actually remember seeing these exact things on one of my favorite adoptive mom's blog awhile back (but I can't find the exact post) because the author of Attaching in Adoption was this family's therapist.
Fifty Pleasures "When parents have begun to be too worn out, it is often because they have spent so much time doing tasks that they have deleted the fun or enjoyable things in their life. I like to see parents make a list of fifty items that give them pleasure . . . going to a movie, bubbles in a bath, getting a latte, sleeping Saturday morning . . . Every week, the person must attain fifty check marks on the list."
Support group Jason and I were actually hoping to start a class/support group at Cornerstone this semester for parents parenting kids from hard places. But we just had to cancel it due to our ship being sunk at the time being. :) (At least I can smile while saying it, right?!)
Sleep
Pleasurable hobbies Something that does not involve the kids. This is why I continue to blog. It is a much needed hobby/outlet for me.
Quiet Time to Process Daily. This is what nap time is for in my world.
Respite Care
Jason and I went to bed Saturday night completely at the end of ourselves.
But that is not the end of the story. As He always does, God came through for us. Sunday's worship service at Cornerstone was awesome. God met us right where we were at through it. In addition to worshipping to songs filled with truths from God were exactly what we needed to hear, the message was about personal worship and how "all of life is an opportunity to worship." Because of the immeasurable holiness and goodness of God, and the fact that He spoke the world into motion, not to mention his incredible love for us, there is no reason during any given day to not worship God. Our hearts were set on things above (Colossians 3) and though I wept most of the way through singing in worship, Jason and I both drove away from church refreshed and renewed.
No matter how hard life gets, God is worthy of our worship and praise. Jesus is worth it all! That is what I felt by the end of church on Sunday. And I was thanking God for the privilege He has given us to care for these {former}orphans. I know that He is working in all of this for our good and His glory.
So, because of Jesus, and how He came through for us on Sunday, we are afloat again. Barely. But we are in the boat, trusting Him to carry us along.
It is not one big behavior or one child or even a few big things. Its just EVERYTHING. A big part of it for me was having an intense 8 days in Burlington caring for tons and tons of needs with little-to-no downtime. And then coming home to kids with bigger-than-usual needs. I don't think I ever mentioned that one of the kids told us they wanted to go back to C twice in the last week. I realized this was probably somewhat "normal" but it sure was hard to hear and it was hard see the reality of how badly this child was hurting. In desperation I wrote my go-to friend for some advice about all of this and as always it was good. Here is just one small part of her email to me:
I would also imagine that the timing of this (going to Burlington) just happens to fall at a time where the honeymoon is wearing off for both you and them. Language is probably improving and also they may be feeling some sense of security and maybe even a tinge of emotional feelings towards one or more of the others in your family - which, because love has hurt so much in the past, will totally freak them out.
She hit the nail on the head about the timing of all of this. I think the honeymoon was starting to wear off right before we left. Abram was having a hard time then. I was sensing that we needed much more structure. Another one of the kids was starting to have a hard time.
I feel like I keep coming up for air but can barely catch my breath before I go under again. I know Jason feels the same way. I now understand the need for respite care and why my CA friend told me we have to plan monthly overnight getaways for just Jason and I. We were just starting to make a plan for that before we left. We were going to have my mom come once a week for a few weeks to watch the kids and put them to bed while we have date night to ease in to going away overnight. But, we have scrapped that and we are now going to get away this weekend even though it will be hard for the kids and will mean more regression. We have reached desperation and have to get away in order to be of any use to our kids. We have so little time during a "normal" week to talk about things (because we typically don't compromise getting 8 hours of sleep - I guess that is one thing that is going well!). And lots of things have piled up that need talked about and figured out.
A lot of things in that pile are non-adoption related, practical, every day things that usually get figured out gradually as you add children one-by-one in chronological age to your family. Should the kids pick up the play room once a day, every other day or less? After the girls help clean up in the kitchen, do they need to ask my permission to be excused (sometimes they forget to do something, etc.) or not? How long should the kids sit at the table after they are done eating? What time do the girls need to stop talking and go to sleep at night? How can I make sure that all four kids are brushing their teeth twice a day!? I could go on and on. Seriously, there are probably 100 items on this list that spin around in my head all day long. (I know part of this is my personality. I am a perfectionist and I realize that contributes to the problem. But, I'm learning that with four kids, perfectionism or not, it is plain chaos without a plan -or at least guidelines - for all of these things).
And then there is the schedule that needs a big overhaul.
And then there is our marriage that needs some attention. While our marriage is not falling apart, the stress of all of the above has brought a couple large cracks to the surface that need attention.
And there are always some adoption-related issues with the kids in that pile of things that need evaluated and discussed.
Also, we realized Saturday night that we are both in need of better self-care plans. Ironically, I just read the "Parent's Self Care" section in Attaching in Adoption on Friday morning while I was exercising. However, I left the gym early because I was so overwhelmed with my life (now that's bad!).
I thought I would share a few of the tools mentioned for self-care because they are good. And I actually remember seeing these exact things on one of my favorite adoptive mom's blog awhile back (but I can't find the exact post) because the author of Attaching in Adoption was this family's therapist.
Fifty Pleasures "When parents have begun to be too worn out, it is often because they have spent so much time doing tasks that they have deleted the fun or enjoyable things in their life. I like to see parents make a list of fifty items that give them pleasure . . . going to a movie, bubbles in a bath, getting a latte, sleeping Saturday morning . . . Every week, the person must attain fifty check marks on the list."
Support group Jason and I were actually hoping to start a class/support group at Cornerstone this semester for parents parenting kids from hard places. But we just had to cancel it due to our ship being sunk at the time being. :) (At least I can smile while saying it, right?!)
Sleep
Pleasurable hobbies Something that does not involve the kids. This is why I continue to blog. It is a much needed hobby/outlet for me.
Quiet Time to Process Daily. This is what nap time is for in my world.
Respite Care
Jason and I went to bed Saturday night completely at the end of ourselves.
But that is not the end of the story. As He always does, God came through for us. Sunday's worship service at Cornerstone was awesome. God met us right where we were at through it. In addition to worshipping to songs filled with truths from God were exactly what we needed to hear, the message was about personal worship and how "all of life is an opportunity to worship." Because of the immeasurable holiness and goodness of God, and the fact that He spoke the world into motion, not to mention his incredible love for us, there is no reason during any given day to not worship God. Our hearts were set on things above (Colossians 3) and though I wept most of the way through singing in worship, Jason and I both drove away from church refreshed and renewed.
No matter how hard life gets, God is worthy of our worship and praise. Jesus is worth it all! That is what I felt by the end of church on Sunday. And I was thanking God for the privilege He has given us to care for these {former}orphans. I know that He is working in all of this for our good and His glory.
So, because of Jesus, and how He came through for us on Sunday, we are afloat again. Barely. But we are in the boat, trusting Him to carry us along.
6 comments:
Praying for you today. Thanks for your honesty.
Jen and Jason,
Just want to let you know we are praying for you! (I've been lurking, but never commented before.) I really appreciate your honesty and reliance on God for helping you thru this adjustment time! It is an encouragement to us, and we will be using your posts and advice for future reference. We are ready to submit our dossier to Ethiopia and wait for our referral for 2 siblings. We have 2 bio kids, and are all excited/nervous about God's plan, but we know there will be bumps along the way! Thanks so much for sharing with us!!
May God bless, strengthen, and encourage you this week! He is ABLE!!
Amy from PA
Your honesty is refreshing to my heart. When I read your blog, I feel like I'm reading the cliff notes of all the attachment books I need to read!
Would you be willing to list specific, practical ways that people could help support you through this time? We have watched your family grow and have prayed for you, but we live close enough to help with practical needs if we knew what they were. Maybe you can't formulate that right now and that's ok too.
Wendy
Many many prayers for you guys!!!! I know I'm not going through the same situation, but these past few days have been overwhelming for me as well. I was encouraged with the reminder that God knew about every detail of all the situations before they even happened. My responsibility is only to respond in a way that brings Him glory.
I hope and pray that things begin to become more peaceful in your home, and until then I'm praying for God yo less you with unbelieveable amounts of grace.
-Malaika
Jen,
How hard those words "Can I go back to C" are to hear. We have a six year old that is not attaching like she should, and after a challenging day, she told me, "You can not make me like it here". After swallowing my heart and hiding my tears, I had to walk out of the room and pray for strength and wisdom on how to handle this situation. I walked back in an had a conversation with her and expressed that I could not make her be happy and that God loves her and when she was ready to join us we were at the kitchen table waiting for her. It is not easy but I have no doubt that M and her brother G are suppose to be with us...but the honeymoon period is over and we need to search for the root of the outbust, which is usually not the actually the thing that caused the outburst rather just the final straw. Her therapist tells us most of the time these things are said out of fear or an unmet need.
Thank you for the blog...please keep writing them, You have no idea how many people you are encouraging.
God Bless!
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